AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

[GloomyWaters]

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare"
ANNOYED.......AIBU???

@Casiloco

I always find it less irritating if the people banging on about self-care actually offered some practical help to give you the space/time to arrange that!

Oh and I find it easier to take this kind of pseudo-counselling from people who actually have any understanding at all of where you're at and the number of plates you are juggling, rather than being people in much more privileged life situations which are a good deal less complex.

Totally disagree with this. Why are they going to take on things that are nothing to do with them to enable other people? What it boils down to is boundaries and many women are socalised to never say no while men swan around suiting themselves. My mother is like this, viciously angry at other people who have any kind of time for themselves and who do say no.

I also agree that its not spa days and scented candles , although nice enough.
Its valueing yourself enough to have firm boundaries to say no to doing too much.
There is also a thread on here about women who are wearing pants that are rags and too small and dont value themselves in any way.
Very sad.

@SofiaAmes, I think (from experience) that it’s ok to give it all to care for a child for exam0e for a short period.
There is a need, an urgency and that takes precedence over everything else.

When it is about something you need to carry long term, then it’s not sustainable. Everyone has to recharge their batteries somehow. When you don’t, you end up ill and unable to do the one thing that is so important for you. It’s not an indulgence. It’s something essential to be able to carry on looking after said child and keep them alive.

No carer is ever able to only care for a child that ill, with all the emotional stress and the physical strain, wo a break and wo time for themselves to replenish. Whether it’s a full night of sleep, a good book, meeting friends or a walk in the park on their own (in silence! Silence is so important when you re surrounded by chaos and stress. Pr at least it is for me lol).

YANBU op

I hate terms like self-care. It makes life sound like yet another chore.

Fair enough, be practical and see if getting organised better/delegation makes it manageable. But if you are stretched too thin you’re stretched too thin. Scheduling 20 minutes of meditation or something into the evening isn’t going to fix everything.

So you don't have time to look after yourself, but you do have time to start a thread about it on Mumsnet?

The language is a bit wanky but the concept is sound. You won't be able to look after others effectively and sustainably if you don't invest some time in looking after yourself. You don't get extra brownie points for being a martyr. Just make the time.

[quote ATieLikeRichardGere]Here is an article looking at the relationship between self care and capitalism amongst other things www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/416664/[/quote]
It’s a nice article nicely pointing out that self care is NOT about scented candles and consumerism.

That doesn’t mean that self care, practice to right way, shouldn’t happen or it’s a con etc...
But That’s also why I prefer the term ‘looking after yourself’. Very often if we were looking at a dear friend or our daughter doing the very thing we are doing, looking from the outside in, we would be horrified. Many times we would advise that friend or dd to take some rest, put their feet up, say NO, delegate etc etc... but we also don’t seem to be able to do it for ourselves.

I agree OP. The problem with self care when you have lots of responsibilities means that something else does not get done so you spend the time doing self care worrying about the other things anyway which kind of defeats the point. It is not always possible to delgate these things so time out just means a bigger list of things to do later.

Many people don't realise how difficult things can be when you don't have the resources to pay someone to help or the friends and family to help.

@GloomyWaters

Im juggling work, my own family, carer for elderly parent twice a week, running DS to elite sporting activity at night teice a week....I do not have to for selfcare!!!

Does the child not have a father who could bare some of the family load? Likewise the caring, though that doesn't sound too onerous as only twice a week.

Yes, you have a lot on, but ignoring your own needs only leads to negativity, issues and martyrdom.

Like you, many also work juggling family and caring. It's hard. But you cannot care for anyone if you've run yourself into the ground.

SofiaAmes just to add too, an important part of self care for me too was saying to the SW last year that I was ready to look at overnight respite. She'd been mentioning it for a few years but I hadn't wanted to explore the possibility, however I acknowledged that it was going to be something that I needed to do in order to look after my own wellbeing , and thus care for him most effectively. I'm not saying that this would be right for you, but it's an example of me realising that my own wellbeing is central to my role as a carer, which, IME, SS also recognise.

If the carer crumbles it's no good for the carees. Carve out one thing once a month as a starting point. And make the drives or waiting around more pleasant by listening to something YOU like or using the time to walk or draw or give yourself a hand massage, whatever is you.

Megletthesecond, some people would describe a run as nice and relaxing if its not, do something like yoga instead, how you spend your minimal free time is your choice

I get that it's irritating when people give patronising non-advice like that but on the other hand you obviously do have time for self care if you need it. The time you spent creating this thread could be regarded as self care. Just a bit of time reading a book, going on mumsent, having a longer bath with bubbles and candles etc. A nice coffee while you wait for your DC to finish his sport etc. It's all self care.

Since when did 'selfcare' become a word in the English language?

Looking after yourself generally requires the ability to say no to something or someone else. If you can't do that, you're stuffed.

Not looking after yourself tends to show up in resentment, bitterness, explosions of anger when people don't understand the tremendous pressure you're under.

I have started a very intense job that Has made me feel like I am constantly juggling everything - expected to do loads of overtime (I'm working today and tomorrow) and is very fast paced and stressful. Plus husband is deputy head so kids and home mainly fall to me. I just try and find a few minutes everyday - eg when I come home I'll take a cup of coffee in the garden while I water the plants, get up even earlier to go for a 15 minute jog, try and read every evening even if just five minutes before bed. A little something everyday .

I think it's interesting that 'self care' didn't exist as a commonly used phrase until quite recently. I'm not criticising the concept at all but I am quite wary of the idea that if you're burning out it's basically your fault because eg. you're 'trying to be perfect' or 'have it all' or be a martyr.

Women are so much busier than they ever have been and at the same time there are higher expectations and less help than ever. Our working lives seem to demand more and more and if we are also caring for people there are fewer and fewer services. It seems impossible for some people on this thread to believe, but it's true that some people are just far too busy. They are not martyrs, and it's not something they can organise or buy their way out of.

It makes me really fed up to read article after article about what women 'should' do to ease this burden. And self care just adds to the burden. It becomes an extra job to think and plan 'self care'

Instead of umpteen articles about gardening, or pampering baths or meditation I'd like to see many more from people who are justifiably angry that we lead lives like this. Employers, partners, social services are causing this, not our inability to plan and carry out self care correctly.

Swap the annoying language of "self care" for "looking after yourself" and work out what that means to you. Might be scented candles, might be saying no to a request from someone, might be eating better, might be joining your union, might be tolerating guilty feelings or worrying less about other people's problems.

I am a woman not a slave
A mother not a martyr
Society may tell me what I should and shouldn't be
But I get to choose to prioritise me
Nobody else will if I don't
So that's why I've got good at saying the word "No"

@medebourne

I think it's interesting that 'self care' didn't exist as a commonly used phrase until quite recently. I'm not criticising the concept at all but I am quite wary of the idea that if you're burning out it's basically your fault because eg. you're 'trying to be perfect' or 'have it all' or be a martyr.

Women are so much busier than they ever have been and at the same time there are higher expectations and less help than ever. Our working lives seem to demand more and more and if we are also caring for people there are fewer and fewer services. It seems impossible for some people on this thread to believe, but it's true that some people are just far too busy. They are not martyrs, and it's not something they can organise or buy their way out of.

It makes me really fed up to read article after article about what women 'should' do to ease this burden. And self care just adds to the burden. It becomes an extra job to think and plan 'self care'

Instead of umpteen articles about gardening, or pampering baths or meditation I'd like to see many more from people who are justifiably angry that we lead lives like this. Employers, partners, social services are causing this, not our inability to plan and carry out self care correctly.

Absolutely - there are structural and political issues involved in all this, but we've been taught that it's an individual problem, sold time management solutions and scented candles instead.

macncheese I don't enjoy running but my family are good at heart attacks despite being really healthy. I'm hoping to delay a heart attack until my 60's.

@medebourne

I think it's interesting that 'self care' didn't exist as a commonly used phrase until quite recently. I'm not criticising the concept at all but I am quite wary of the idea that if you're burning out it's basically your fault because eg. you're 'trying to be perfect' or 'have it all' or be a martyr.

Women are so much busier than they ever have been and at the same time there are higher expectations and less help than ever. Our working lives seem to demand more and more and if we are also caring for people there are fewer and fewer services. It seems impossible for some people on this thread to believe, but it's true that some people are just far too busy. They are not martyrs, and it's not something they can organise or buy their way out of.

It makes me really fed up to read article after article about what women 'should' do to ease this burden. And self care just adds to the burden. It becomes an extra job to think and plan 'self care'

Instead of umpteen articles about gardening, or pampering baths or meditation I'd like to see many more from people who are justifiably angry that we lead lives like this. Employers, partners, social services are causing this, not our inability to plan and carry out self care correctly.

Its not about blame but self awareness. If you are already run ragged why take on more? As I said upthread men dont do this, they say no.

Selfcare probably became a word in our language when our generation of women started ‘doing it all’ and as a consequence burning out.
Most of the women I know with children now are, like the OP, trying to (& in many cases) expected to do and be everything. Hold down a responsible job, bring up children, run a home, care for elderly parents.

Unfortunately, even in 2021, many women do the lions share of just about everything. And even if, like me, they have a generally supportive partner, much of the load (especially the mental load aka ‘wifework’) falls to her!

So I’m sorry if some people find the term ‘self-care’ cringy, but until the expectations on women change i for one am fine with the saying!! And I make no apologies for applying ‘self care’ in my own life. It’s essential for me to do everything else and be an effective carer for my family.

It's both. Taking the time, having the self worth, and also saying no. The reasons women don't do this are deep rooted and worrying.
Instead of being angry when someone at work suggests it, take the time to think and examine what is really going on here.
Make steps to address it, change it.

Saying no comes easy to many. Try and make a note to do it yourself.

It sounds as though the real issue might be that you resent being so overloaded when you can picture a whole population of yummy mummies doing Pilates and arranging flowers 😁

Just try to make 5 or 10 minutes for yourself each day. Always. And see if you can grow it from there. But if not, just 5 minutes of focusing on yourself (even if you have to lock the toilet door to do it) is better than nowt.

@medebourne

Well said. It’s becoming a scourge in our modern society. Nearly all my friends (in their 30s, 40s & 50s) are on the road to burnout somewhere. Somewhere along the way what is expected of women has become warped.