AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

[GloomyWaters]

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare"
ANNOYED.......AIBU???

Self care sounds like we all need to go to a spa. My self care is driving to the supermarket and singing loudly at the top of my voice! Just makes me happy and released the stresses of the week

@Everyday21

I think it's a funny one. I run 3 times a week which is self care but I dont really see it as such. I also read a book for 20mins most nights but I dont really have the mind set where I box something as self care or "for my mental health"

I have some friends that "need" to do similar things for their mental health and talk constantly about all the things they are doing like they are using mental health as an excuse to do something they enjoy because they dont feel like it's okay to do something you like or relax

Eg "I'm so busy I dont really have time to go running but I need to for my mental health"

I know what you mean and notice this too. You get it particularly with mothers, where people feel the need to defend any 'time off' they get by talking about not pouring from empty cups/putting your own airbag on first - which is all true, but it's also fine to do something you enjoy and that relaxes you because you're still a person and like it, rather than it being another way in which you're dutifully meeting the needs of your children!

I will say, though, perhaps hypocritically, that I do think of exercise like this, because I don't especially enjoy it and wouldn't choose it as a leisure activity if it weren't for the massive role it plays for me in managing depression, which I've suffered badly from in the past. So I guess I do think of that as self-care but in a very literal sense, like brushing my teeth, it's a chore I do to keep myself healthy.

And running is also just a way to get away from family!

Can your parents afford carers or another family member to help them instead of you ? Looking after elderly parents is a drain and y be one major thing to address and use that time for yourself

Self care isn't just a bubble bath or getting your nails done. It's putting your needs first sometimes, saying no etc. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, where do you fit in?

And YANBU my boss used to say the same to me and I used to think it's the bloody job that's burning me out!! Meditation isn't going to fix that.

I work 3 days a week in a school. On my days off I take my youngest too school have my run that I enjoy. I am also full time carer to my Nan, I see to her, do her shopping, my shopping, house work, any appointments kids have on those days, meal prep for the following day so when I get in from work it’s done, I also have 2 days where there is after school activities (not elite) these are on in days off so we do them. Now the salons are open I will go back to my nail appointments because I don’t drink or smoke and I enjoy having that time alone, I run 3 times a week because I like to put on my headphones and forget everything, rain, wind or shine I’m out, I have a bath, longer shower. When kids go to bed we watch tv together eat some fancy chocs with a face mask on etc. I also have to help out my parents who are ill one of which is disabled if they call etc because they can’t just do things for themselves, I’m sure you could fit something in. Everyone needs time alone

There is a world of difference between enjoying being busy and doing/caring for others compared with being wrung so ragged you are feeling like you can't cope with life.

I got so bad in the last year that a friend helped me find a counsellor. I then had 1 hour every week just for me. Slowly, slowly over the past 6 months or so I have found ways to claw back bits of my old self and to start having 'bandwidth' for myself.

So OP, if you are happy, that's fine. If you are struggling then you have to find time for you. There is a reason why on aeroplanes they say to sort your own oxygen mask out before helping others.

I just say "yes I'm taking care of myself" so they will shut up when people ask that inane question. It's such a judgmental thing to ask someone.
I don't need someone to shame me for not having more hours in my day or too many sick people in my life. It's not helpful to tell me I need to do more for myself. The choice I am making is between less for my sick child/parent or more for myself. The best thing I can do for myself is keep my child alive. If you think I should be doing less for my sick child or parent, then just f***g help instead of criticizing.

It's annoying if you see self-care as long candle lit bubble baths or other things like that. However self-care is more about taking care of your own needs and understanding the importance of it rather than feeling guilty. Self - care is not about being lazy or neglecting others either. It's about boundaries and being kind to yourself. Do you ever have time to do anything you actually enjoy doing just for the pleasure of it? Exercise? Pottering in the garden?

I agree that the patronising language and attitude grates. I hate being told what to do with myself by people who think they have life sussed. Call it something else if you like but having a break from your responsibilities from time to time is probably healthy.

I get you, OP. It used to really annoy me when during the lockdown teachers told me during the welfare calls "but you need to take some time for yourself and your hobbies, don't run yourself into the ground! Try mindfulness or learn new skills online! Take a day off and focus only on yourself!". Yeah, as a single parent with 100% custody, two little children and a full time job, why don't I just find a couple of hours every day to learn how to paint, or just lock everyone in a room and have a day to myself .
I understand it probably was a "wellbeing" recommendation given to them, but still grated on me completely the wrong way.

I remember a complete stranger coming up to me in a market place once with this mad look on her face. She stared at Dc and said: 'You have two under 2 years old? I have twins! How do you even find time to shower? And I had no answer because I didn't find time to shower. Or eat. Zero self care. Looking back - that was insane.And it led to complete burnout and long term PND.

Self-care doesn't need to take long. It takes as long to eat a healthy lunch as it does an unhealthy one. It's no harder to drink water or a fruit tea than it is to drink coke. On commutes you can listen to good music or an audiobook or read something you enjoy rather than just feel stressed. It takes 30 seconds to moisturise dry skin or 2 seconds to apply lip balm. Tiny little adjustments like that can have a good effect. Taking care of yourself is not psychobabble - it's common sense. It's also a bit of a feminist issue. Women run themselves ragged looking after everyone except themselves. There's no need.

I have fibromyalgia as a result of burning out looking after elderly parents and special needs kids. Now I can't look after anyone.

You must look after yourself or you can't look after anyone else.

I wasn’t a fan of the term but came through a really stressful period of house moves, bereavement and redundancies juggling a stressful full time job and two kids under 4, including a non-sleeping one.

I got the flu at Christmas and then in March got long covid the first day of lockdown. I was very ill for a long time and when I started recovering realised I actually had to start carving out some time for myself and properly tend to myself as well as everyone else. It didn’t feel natural as I come from a long line of do everything/borderline martyr women so didn’t really have a model of self care.

For me it looks like going for a walk by myself in the evening, watching 30 mins less telly and having a bath instead to wind down before bed and carving out an hour or 2 on weekends to do my crafting hobbies. Practically it’s worked out fine (not least as I have a supportive DH) but the biggest challenge was overcoming the guilt at putting myself first sometimes. I’m definitely feeling the benefit though.

@Reinventinganna

Self care could be ten minutes on mumsnet....

It's more like self abuse these days.

I always find it less irritating if the people banging on about self-care actually offered some practical help to give you the space/time to arrange that!

Oh and I find it easier to take this kind of pseudo-counselling from people who actually have any understanding at all of where you're at and the number of plates you are juggling, rather than being people in much more privileged life situations which are a good deal less complex.

@forinborin

I get you, OP. It used to really annoy me when during the lockdown teachers told me during the welfare calls "but you need to take some time for yourself and your hobbies, don't run yourself into the ground! Try mindfulness or learn new skills online! Take a day off and focus only on yourself!". Yeah, as a single parent with 100% custody, two little children and a full time job, why don't I just find a couple of hours every day to learn how to paint, or just lock everyone in a room and have a day to myself . I understand it probably was a "wellbeing" recommendation given to them, but still grated on me completely the wrong way.

Exactly forin

And then it’s followed up with that old chestnut, ‘Well, don’t you have someone who could take the kids for a bit?’ Like you’re wilfully ignoring this massive home and childcare support network that you must have (but, y’know, don’t) just to make yourself look like superwoman.

Infuriating.

Would you neglect your DH or your DC and let them eat crap, get no exercise or let them get really stressed out without intervening? I bet the answer is no.

Then why would you let that happen to the person who is probably the rock of the family, the person who holds it all together, and who makes sure everything is going right? If that person becomes ill the whole lot comes crashing down. By looking after YOU, you are looking after them.

20 mins a day = 2 hours 20 a week. That is enough time to do lots for YOU.

This kind of question drives me nuts too, but when I am not feeling totally frazzled I can see it is meant from a good place.
I get loads of emails at work about “make space for a well-being lunch” or “come to 6pm yoga” etc and my immediate response is to think - I’m too ducking busy for any of that! But I can see for some colleagues it’s really useful and it’s well meant. I once had an argument in a training session where the trainer said “I challenge you to find twenty minutes in your day” and I told him I couldn’t. When you are already feeling overwhelmed and stressed this approach can backfire and make you feel worse. What I’ve found much more useful is support that tells me it’s ok to not be perfect all the time. Once I feel calm, that’s when I can consciously “self-care”, but I need the calmness first. Otherwise it’s just words.

I agree that people misunderstand what self care is. It doesn’t have to be yoga, getting your nails done and bubble baths. It can be taking half an hour at the weekend to plan out your week ahead so you’re prepared, listening to something you enjoy on your commute/dog walk, etc.

Self care and being kind to yourself are proper buzzwords, but they don’t have to mean a pamper session or an excuse to lay around doing nothing - in fact it’s often the opposite: tackling the unpleasant jobs so they’re not hanging over you causing anxiety.

For those who do get annoyed about this and say 'offer me some practical help' - genuinely,
do you think you'd recognise help if it were offered?

I'm feeling the stress coming off your posts, and sometimes when you're that overwhelmed you can't see the help being offered, maybe because it's not taking the form you think it should take. Or you think, I might as well do it, I'll do it quicker/better/ with less questions.

I definitely found myself in that space a few times and see it in my team members too.

I just find the phrase self care ridiculous, I liked it better when it was called “me” time.

Its true though, and we all have time for it, if you have time to watch TV, time to go on the internet etc you have time to look after yourself. Some people just like being a martyr.

I’m the most important person in my life, that isn’t a cocky or big headed statement. I have to be the most important person in my life, I have to look after myself, that includes diet, mental health, physical health etc. If I don’t prioritise myself I can’t be a good parent to my son, I can’t be a good partner and I can’t be an effective employee. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

i think the question perhaps should be rephrased,
time for yourself?
having enjoyment, pleasure

Op YANBU