AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

[GloomyWaters]

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare"
ANNOYED.......AIBU???

Yanbu.
I was told this by a counsellor. I pointed out I was a working lone parent with a non sleeping child so it wasn't really practical 🙄.

I do eat well, proper wanky stuff like kale and I run, but don't do anything nice or relaxing.

I'm in a similar position to you, OP. I am a single parent juggling work, childcare (inc a child with severe learning disabilities) and caring for an elderly parent.

Whilst I don't particularly like the phrase "self care" the concept itself I feel is absolutely vital. If I don't look after myself, then there is no-one to look after everyone else, it really is as simple as that.

So my self care is little things like trying to remember to drink enough water, getting enough exercise each day - I walk several km a day and a treadmill has been a game changer as I don't need to be able to leave the house, and I just get up a bit earlier to get it done. Spending time in the garden is something I find very therapeutic, and I try and fit in even 5 or 10 minutes as day. Getting up early in the morning, going outside and standing barefoot on the grass is something I find a huge boost, it's a wonderful way to start the day and literally takes a minute. Also listening to podcasts when I am able, ones on health and fitness. Sometimes self care can be not doing something - not having a glass of wine at the end of the day as I know it will effect my sleep.

Look after yourself, OP. Unless you actually put your health and wellbeing first you are no good to anyone else.

in fact it’s often the opposite: tackling the unpleasant jobs so they’re not hanging over you causing anxiety.

This is so true. I recently made time to sort all the paperwork related to DS, it was an unorganised mess so I just kept adding to it then getting stressed when I couldn’t find what I needed, now after making that few hours I have 5 organised labelled leverarch files so when I need something I can find it.

That horrible but needed job was actually a form of self care as it has helped make life so much easier moving forward

Self care is important. Giving everything to everyone else and neglecting yourself, don’t you think that’s silly? Why would you do that?

when my dc were younger and i went out to work, i got enjoyment driving home, a short drive would not have been enough.

I get your anger OP. You are crazy busy, and rather than being offered practical solutions to reduce your workload, or offered support with your parents, you are being suggested to self-care , another thing to add to your list of things to do.

Self care is really important and I've made a point of teaching my DDs what it entails.

Everything from cleaning your teeth and looking after your body down to putting on clean pyjamas and having a night with your fave tv show.

I posted about self neglect just yesterday...I never would have thought I'd be guilty of it...but I was! I hadn't bought myself any new undies for about a year! No need. No need....I could afford as many as I wanted! Why hadn't I??

I realised it was because my Mum bless her had stopped buying me any clothes when I hit 14. She bought me a good coat and shoes every year though...probably so I'd look outwardly respectable.

But she worked...same as my Dad...why did she just stop buying me clothes???

@Bimblybomeyelash

I get your anger OP. You are crazy busy, and rather than being offered practical solutions to reduce your workload, or offered support with your parents, you are being suggested to self-care , another thing to add to your list of things to do.

Exactly this.

Self care is important. Giving everything to everyone else and neglecting yourself, don’t you think that’s silly? Why would you do that?

Because the person that I am caring for (medically complex child) would be dead if I didn't. I don't think that's silly at all. And frankly it's insulting that you tell me that by choosing my child's life I am being silly or not doing enough.

in fact it’s often the opposite: tackling the unpleasant jobs so they’re not hanging over you causing anxiety.

Completely agree, I have a day off on Monday and am looking forward to sorting out the big cupboard where all the hand-me-down clothes are kept for DS2. It will be great to find stuff without moving a mountain of boxes.

@Bimblybomeyelash

I get your anger OP. You are crazy busy, and rather than being offered practical solutions to reduce your workload, or offered support with your parents, you are being suggested to self-care , another thing to add to your list of things to do.

But my point is, maybe people are? And the OP is too busy and stressed to see it. It's easily done.

I think we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. And that applies to offering it and taking it.

Self care is about meeting your needs. If you refuse to meet your own needs you have a mental health crisis. If you’ve driven yourself to a mental health crisis then it’s 100 times harder to pull yourself out of it.

My interpretation of self care is:
Shower with nice products: 6/7 mins
Quick blow-dry: 6/7 mins
Light make up: 2/3 mins
Handcream: 30 secs
Perfume
Nice underwear and nice dress
Good coffee
Bunch of daffs with the weekly shop
Good food
20 minute walk each day
Too long on MNet each day
Quick read before bed
Tea in bed on weekend mornings
Browse round the shops at the weekend (yippee- this is back on the agenda . Probably 90 minutes tops.

The only thing I didn't do when DC were younger was tea in bed. Also work full-time, at least 10 hours per day.

Self care is about meeting your needs. If you refuse to meet your own needs you have a mental health crisis.

My primary need is to keep my child alive. Absolutely condescending to suggest that I or anyone in our position is "refusing" to meet my/our needs. The only person doing any refusing is the person making that statement who essentially "refusing" to offer to help.

@megletthesecond

Yanbu. I was told this by a counsellor. I pointed out I was a working lone parent with a non sleeping child so it wasn't really practical 🙄.

I do eat well, proper wanky stuff like kale and I run, but don't do anything nice or relaxing.

Me too. But the counsellor persisted, she quite rightly pointed out it was unsustainable and prompted me to coach my child to develop better sleep habits and pretty much just take more care of myself. At first I only did it bc she told me too but now I give as much attention to my well-being as to that of my children, took me quite a while to achieve this mindset. Crazy thing is that the better care I take of myself, the better the whole family is which is all I ever wanted anyway.

@SofiaAmes don’t believe for a second your child will die if you sit down for 5 minutes especially since you’ve been posting on MN for longer than that, keeping yourself in a state of extreme fear is what leads to hyperbolic actions and speech. You’re forgetting that a lot of us here are talking from experience, so perhaps stop biting everyone’s hand off and go tend to your needs

Self care can genuinely be something as little as having nicer coffee or relaxing face massage which takes 3 minutes. Having a nice cup of some herbal tea before sleep. Massage while in a shower. Special hair conditioner for once or twice a week.

Martyrdom is not good foe people physically and mentally.

The phrase self care is extremely annoying and I can’t be friends with anyone who would use it with a straight face. I think there’s several reasons why it’s so annoying as a phrase. One is because it’s a concept that is used to paper over the cracks of society’s failures, where people basically aren’t being well supported. It’s a bit like “have you tried mindfulness?” in response to someone saying they are stressed about having mountains of debt they can’t pay. Another for me is because at least for the generation younger than myself it seems to come with a strange combination of capitalist overconsumption and self delusion, where it seems to involve maybe buying a bunch of fashionable products to facilitate it, and then cocooning yourself from the real world. So, remembering to eat, yes. Self care, no.

I think the fact you think it’s not possible for you to take 30mins or 1 hour in the WEEK to do something for yourself is the issue.

I mean do you really spend your all day doing stuff for people and never ever for yourself?
If you do you are crazy sorry. For your own health. But also, when are you being yourself? Not mum, not an employee, the maid for the house. Not the wife. But just YOU.

@ATieLikeRichardGere that’s the biggest load of waffle I’ve read today yet. Self care has got nothing to do with capitalism and everything to do with making sure you actually take care of yourself, which is a skill long lost in today’s world.

@ConfusedAdultFemale possibly capitalism doesn’t enter into it for you, but at a society level the two things are deeply interconnected.

[quote ConfusedAdultFemale]@ATieLikeRichardGere that’s the biggest load of waffle I’ve read today yet. Self care has got nothing to do with capitalism and everything to do with making sure you actually take care of yourself, which is a skill long lost in today’s world.[/quote]
Agreed.
My mum's self care, which I still remember, after all day was to have a shower, sit down watch movie with us and moisturise, give herself a little massage (ahe didn't like to be massaged by people which was bit of an issue when she had doctor prescribed massages), have nice tea and chill.

It might be annoying for someone to point it out but if you’re not getting the basics sorted, then it’s likely you’ll burn out or get ill.
Basics are enough sleep, a fairly healthy diet and managing your stress.
The mindfulness, watching tv, going on mumsnet, baths and all the other things recommended are all ways to manage your stress. It is important that people spend some time reducing stress levels and you do it in whichever way you can.

@SofiaAmes

Self care is about meeting your needs. If you refuse to meet your own needs you have a mental health crisis.

My primary need is to keep my child alive. Absolutely condescending to suggest that I or anyone in our position is "refusing" to meet my/our needs. The only person doing any refusing is the person making that statement who essentially "refusing" to offer to help.

Speaking as a parent too, I have learned over the years that in order to meet my son's needs, I have to also meet my needs, because otherwise there is literally no-one to care for him. My wellbeing is vital to his wellbeing. All the things I mentioned in my previous post I can do whilst meeting my caring responsibilities to him (as well as my other responsibilities). Whilst the self care in situations like yours, and like mine, might look different to other people's, it can still happen, even if it simply interacting with people on here! (I would argue that that can be an absolute lifeline for some)

Here is an article looking at the relationship between self care and capitalism amongst other things www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/416664/