Page 11 | AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

GloomyWaters · 2021-04-16T23:53:27+00:00

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare" ANNOYED.......AIBU???

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/04/2021 07:43

It’s important though
I’m A LP , work FT , have a parent who needs attention

I’ve re started a wellness challenge
It’s things like stretch daily , eat well , daily exercise
I’ve also stopped giving headspace to people that drain me

But I have to , I’ve been sick twice recently and I can’t have the wheel
Coming off

Forget the wank terminology

But you must

PhatPhanny · 20/04/2021 07:49

If you don't take time for your wellness, you will be forced to take time for your illness.

This is so true!

I ignored myself for many years, trying to ignore crippling grief, thinking if I just kept going, it wouldn't catch up with me, I'm now suffering for it, with multiple hospital appointments and on tablets for life.

Please take time for yourself, you need your time too ❤️

namechangeaga1ne · 20/04/2021 08:45

@BonnieDundee

Sounds like OP is one of those people who likes to constantly tell everyone just how BUSY they are, endlessly. I always find they'd be less busy if they spent less time talking about how busy they are, and stopped doing Performance Busy-ness.

I didn't read it like that at all

Me neither. I read OP's post as someone that had a lot on their plate - too much really - and was struggling to do it all and would love to be given a bit of a break.

Holly60 · 20/04/2021 08:57

@FireflyRainbow

Just let yourself go to shit then op.

Moonface123 · 20/04/2021 08:59

It's actually selfish not to practice self care, because eventually you will break and then become a burden on others.
It's utter rubbish that no one has time, we are all busy but you make time. Why are women so useless at making time for themselves ? Because they have poor boundaries and can't say No.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 20/04/2021 09:32

you're doing what most of us do tbh..if you can be arsed get up early &gym/swim..go for late night walks..or just netflix it on laptop on bed..self-care is just modspeak for down time..or maybe you're feeling fine wondering wtf everyones bothered about😄

speakout · 20/04/2021 09:42

self-care is just modspeak for down time..

I disagree.
It can be, but it is much much more than that.

ForwardRanger · 20/04/2021 09:58

@speakout

self-care is just modspeak for down time..

I disagree.
It can be, but it is much much more than that.

I disagree too. Or should I say, I agree to disagree.

Self care is a lot more than down time, it can mean taking time to go to the GP, learning to be assertive, getting up earlier so mornings aren't so much of a rush.... all kinds of things. The point is to take responsibility for your own well-being instead of wearing yourself out (and becoming a bore and a burden)

Xenia · 20/04/2021 10:00

I don't like the words - self care and at different life stages people have more or less time to relax. However it can vary from person to person. If up all night breastfeeding a new baby my 30 minute tube ride with a book and no tube changes on the way to full time work was relaxation - you can get a seat if you live right out here. It is all relative.

speakout · 20/04/2021 10:04

ForwardRanger

Completely!

It isn't just about "down time", in fact lying about eating chocolate and watching netflix may be the opposite of self care if we have a bad diet or lacking in exercise.
Self care can be about tackling a debt problem, getting rid of a toxic relationship, strengthening boundaries, visiting the dentist, none of which are particularly enjoyable, but ultimately enhance our well being.

ForwardRanger · 20/04/2021 10:12

@speakout

ForwardRanger

Completely!

It isn't just about "down time", in fact lying about eating chocolate and watching netflix may be the opposite of self care if we have a bad diet or lacking in exercise.
Self care can be about tackling a debt problem, getting rid of a toxic relationship, strengthening boundaries, visiting the dentist, none of which are particularly enjoyable, but ultimately enhance our well being.

Yeah, it's a bit of a life's journey come to think of it. We spend the first half of our lives messing up and the next half trying to sort ourselves out 😂

Lucyllama · 20/04/2021 10:26

"Recognising when reserves are low, when your own mental or physical self is starting to suffer- and take stape to change, ask for help, offload."

This doesn't solve the problem of there being no one to offload to. If your child needs a high level of continuous care and there is no one else who can do it, you have to do it.

AuntyHope · 20/04/2021 11:20

Self care is putting your own oxygen mask on first. It might seem selfish, but it's not. Because you have to look after yourself well enough to care for anyone else.

My self care is sometimes as simple as eating regularly, brushing my teeth twice a day and getting washed and dressed. Sometimes it's about an early night. Other times it's about staying up and watching a scary movie. Sometimes it's about eating a massive salad. Other times it's about eating nachos, burgers or ice cream. It's about listening to what my body, my mind, my soul needs. It's about pushing myself sometimes, and letting myself off the hook other times. I think it's about doing whatever restores your inner balance.

It might not seem like it but everything in life is an option. Not always from a good set of choices! But even things like parenting or caring responsibilities, you can step away and we have a state social care system that will step in (often badly, but it still exists). It is a choice. You are choosing to do it because it is in line with your values and for the good of the other person. But it is still a choice. People say no and walk away from even these responsibilities all the time. I find seeing it as a choice helps you feel like you are giving to the person, not being taken from. The energy flow is different.

Lucyllama · 20/04/2021 11:45

"But even things like parenting or caring responsibilities, you can step away and we have a state social care system that will step in (often badly, but it still exists)."

'if you can't cope you can ask for residential care' is said a lot by professionals to parents of children with severe disabilities to stop them asking for help. It is not helpful.

speakout · 20/04/2021 11:49

But even things like parenting or caring responsibilities, you can step away and we have a state social care system that will step in

No it won't.

Xenia · 20/04/2021 11:54

The boundary between being selfish and "self care" can sometimes be hard to find to get it right. Some people always put themselves first and others never. Somewhere in the middle is better but not always possible (thinking of when we had 3 children under 4 and we both worked full time and I had 2 hours of commuting a day on top... not much time for ourselves then but I would rather put a baby first than putting me first for those years and then now I am older and they are it can reverse a bit.

Cowbells · 20/04/2021 12:24

There are definitely times in our lives when we are stretched so thin that it feels impossible to practise self care. When DC were both under 2 and DS2 was in and out of hospital, we existed on about 3 hours' sleep a night - and those were in snatches of 40 mins at a time. I don't remember eating anything except muesli bars and diet coke for a year. I remember longing to have a shower but every time I almost had one DS2 would be violently sick again or scream in agony or DS1 would do something dangerous because my attention was constantly on DS2 so it would be back to hospital to rescue DS1 from himself.

But looking back, I'd have been a way better mother if I had strapped them into car seats or put them in playpens and just taken 30 mins a day for myself to eat and bathe.

AuntyHope · 20/04/2021 14:18

@speakout

It will if you walk away. Men people do it all the time. Either the other people women step in or the state does. But it is still a choice to step up. My ex is absent from DC life, and I do everything. But I could have walked away and DC would have been looked after by the state. I didn't because that is not in line with my values and not good for the DC. But it is still a choice. It's the same with any caring responsibility.

speakout · 20/04/2021 14:23

AuntyHope

There are other outcomes.
Homelessness or death for instance.

AuntyHope · 20/04/2021 14:29

I'm not advocating walk away at all BTW what I am trying to say (badly) is that instead of feeling obligated to do things for other people, I have let go of obligation and instead do things because I want to. Do I want to be a good parent? A good person? A good citizen? Etc. It's all about how you perceive the transaction. Like, is my job a burden? Or is it a gift? Am I being forced to care for this sick relative? Or am I choosing to give care to this person who I love? All too often people walk around doing things for other people resentfully, out of shame. The giver feels drained, the receiver feels guilty. We should act on love not obligation as much as possible, and you cannot love some body else if you have no love to give. That love starts with love and caring for yourself. You take what you need, before giving to others. You put your own oxygen mask first. Acting out of obligation is not love, it's fear and it's by products like shame, resentment, and scarcity. Acting out of intent comes from love and it's by products like joy, empathy and abundance.

AuntyHope · 20/04/2021 14:30

@speakout

Yes as I said they aren't always good outcomes, but is still your choice to step up. You always have choices.

speakout · 20/04/2021 15:19

*But it is still a choice. It's the same with any caring responsibility.

Hardly.
I know I have to care for my son or he would be dead.

Not much of a "choice"