AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

[GloomyWaters]

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare"
ANNOYED.......AIBU???

Not sure I agree 'women are so much busier than they've ever been', I think my mums life was harder/busier than mine

When it was conceptualised in black feminism, I think self care was a radical and necessary step on the road to changing society. But the way it is conceptualised now, it seems to stop with the self. There often seems to be no mention that perhaps working and running a household and providing care for another household etc. might actually be too much for a person to reasonably do.

Why are these type of OP’s always running their children to “elite sporting academies”?

I take my 10yo to netball club once a week. She’s shit at it. But she enjoys it, with her friends.

Does no-one else on MN have kids who are shit at stuff they do 🤣

I find self-care a wanky term for good concept. And most people really do have time for it when they stop enjoying the martyr crap 🤷🏻‍♀️

That netball night?

• I spend an hour in my car whilst she plays, reading. Lovely.
• also, i class just the the time driving there and back as “self-care”. We give a lift to friends, so I listen to them all chatter, and I love that.

Taking your kids to clubs is a total choice, borne of the choice of having them in the first place. It’s one of the things I like about having children.

Sure, if a friend is having a frazzled week and says, “oh bloody hell, could do without netball after a long day at work and a hospitalised parent tonight.” I’m going to be sympathetic. But frequent generalised martyred, “oh I have no tiiiiiiiime” whingeing? Nah. Should have had the kids/signed them up in the first place. Get over yourself.

Self care is a wanky phrase but it just means doing things for yourself. That includes:

Washing regularly (use soap or shampoo you like the smell of) and cutting your nails regularly.

Sleeping enough and changing your sheets regularly.

Eating a diet that balances the nutrients you need to live vs the effort you are willing to put in (some people enjoy cooking or baking, some like takeaways, most of us like a bit of both at times but are also happy to have a tin of soup and enjoy the minimal tidy up).

Exercise. Necessary for physical and mental health. Can be as simple as walking the kids to school.

Spending fun time with your immediate family, e.g. watching Hey Duggee with your children.

Going outside. Walking to the shops, even hanging the washing out is something that I get a bit of pleasure from.

Spending time with the people you care about.

Doing a job you love and/or you feel has value. We all have to spend a lot of time working and you need to be getting something out of it, whether that is your friendships with colleagues, satisfaction that you are doing your job to the best of your abilities, or knowledge that your job is 'important' (I don't mean in a big boss way, I mean in a 'what I do has a positive impact on other people' way so jobs as diverse as being a carer or an engineer or working in the costume department in a theatre all impŕove the lives of other people).

Doing leisure activities that you enjoy. DH loves taking DD to her football games because he has a gossip with the other parents, they are out in the fresh air, and he's doing his thing with DD.

You can wank up 'self care' into a way to spend excessive amounts of time on expensive activities (e.g. MAMILs) but at its core it can be pretty simple things and if you can't see how to do it that in itself shows you are close to breaking point.

Wow!! Chill!!

If you don't care for yourself who else is going to do it?

Self care could be the odd bubble bath, rant with friends, favourite TV show, glass of wine at the weekend. It's just finding the odd bit of time to look after your mental health. You sound very busy and stressed and I don't think some of the condescending messages on here are very helpful.

Im juggling work, my own family, carer for elderly parent twice a week, running DS to elite sporting activity at night teice a week....I do not have to for selfcare!!!

can you delegate (i'm going to assume single parent?)
What do you do while your DS is being elite at sport? do you gaze adoringly on or can you go outside for a walk, for example?

The question is: what are you prioritising? Self-Care could be taking a thermos of coffee to the sporting activity and reading a book. It doesn't have to be getting a facial and massage.

The trouble with self care is that even if you find time to do something for yourself and manage to focus on it and put your problems on the back burner in that time. It's not actually improving anything.
It's a sticking plaster that soon goes soggy and falls off.

It’s so easy to say you haven’t got time. But when you become ill as a result of not listening to your body then your forced to make a lot more time.

@Buzzinwithbez

The trouble with self care is that even if you find time to do something for yourself and manage to focus on it and put your problems on the back burner in that time. It's not actually improving anything. It's a sticking plaster that soon goes soggy and falls off.

But self-care could also be tackling your problems. It doesn't necessarily mean just sitting on your bum and twiddling your thumbs.

It could be something like going to therapy, taking up an exercise class, dealing with the paperwork you've put off for months, sorting your wardrobe out so everything is easier to find etc.

Yes, it's another 'job' but if it makes you feel better afterwards, I would argue it still counts as self-care. I find cleaning very therapeutic, for example. Others like to go for a run or do some gardening, or cook, or bake.

Self-care tasks don't have to mean you're doing nothing and prolonging the inevitable problems.

@Buzzinwithbez

The trouble with self care is that even if you find time to do something for yourself and manage to focus on it and put your problems on the back burner in that time. It's not actually improving anything. It's a sticking plaster that soon goes soggy and falls off.

That depends how you do it though.

I have spent a chunk of “self care” time on things that make things much more organised to help reduce stress long term. I am now laughed at for my ability to find any letter or form or whatever to do with Ds in seconds but that really was a self care step to make life easier in the long term

I think it's interesting that 'self care' didn't exist as a commonly used phrase until quite recently. I'm not criticising the concept at all but I am quite wary of the idea that if you're burning out it's basically your fault because eg. you're 'trying to be perfect' or 'have it all' or be a martyr.

Meh. Women have realised that there are pros and cons to doing it all and up to now, as usual, the only people who care about what women want/need has overwhelmingly been women (unless it is something that will advantage other groups at the same time)

Now women are realising that "self care" (don't like the expression but it means so much more than those two words) is important and it is ok to put yourself first or even 5 minutes a day.

We see it all the time here, women dong everything or trying to and their partner is either useless or seen as useless, sometimes because they don't (want to) meet the (sometimes ridiculously) high standards of, say, bathroom cleaning that some women have.

So, this is the internet and YMMV, but taking care of number 1 is ok as long as it's not to the detriment of all else.

Self care is my absolute priority.

I am a carer for my adult son and mother, I work full time.

When things get busy and tough then self care becomes even more important.

@Sirzy

It’s so easy to say you haven’t got time. But when you become ill as a result of not listening to your body then your forced to make a lot more time.

Yep, been there.

If you don't prioritise yourself, it will eventually all fall down around you and you'll have no choice but to start practising "self care".

The trouble with self care is that even if you find time to do something for yourself and manage to focus on it and put your problems on the back burner in that time. It's not actually improving anything.
It's a sticking plaster that soon goes soggy and falls off.

I disagree.
When self care becomes a habit you are nourished at the core.
I have morning ritual, including daily yoga practice and meditation.
I am healthier physically and mentally as a result.

Buzz calls it a sticking plaster, that is not addressing the core issue. What is the core issue then? And how is the core issue addressed?

I'm intrigued.

Not that my core issue needs addressing. I am the oddity on this thread. I don't seem to have issues with self-care. I have always, even when pregnant, through both teenagers, always taken tonnes and tonnes of time for myself and also find it very easy to say no. I have no idea why this particular aspect has never been a problem for me (don't worry I have plenty of other issues ) but it certainly never has been.

But frequent generalised martyred, “oh I have no tiiiiiiiime” whingeing? Nah. Should have had the kids/signed them up in the first place. Get over yourself

Agree, and usually when you look at their life there is plenty of self care but they don't see it like that, for them self care means expense.

I think if this really annoys you then you DO need some.

I started going for a run (or walk if I’m too exhausted) in the woods while my dc were at football and it’s now a highlight of my week. My dc know I love them, I don’t need to watch them practice football for an hour. And an hour isn’t long enough to effectively do any chores without risking getting caught in traffic and being late back so it feels like the run/walk is making best use of the time.

Time for self care could mean delegating some of the responsibility for unwell parents. Maybe you could get a neighbour to look in on them once a week. This saves you a trip.

I found that I did cleaning skirt boards, shelves less often so I could exercise or read. I cut back on mindless tv and recorded a programme I enjoy. Often if you are busy with a young family and a job, and don't have childminding outside of your working hours, it is hard.

When dcs were middle primary I would go to another room with coffee and phone for half an hour on weekends, with strict instructions not to interrupt me. I always take lunch at work. If things are busy at work, I say it and look to get more help/deadlines amended. My mother said that if I continued with busyness, then I could get sick and have to give up work. I enjoy nice hols and daytrips from time to time so I want to be able to continue at work to earn money for a nice quality of life.

The biggest thing with self care is not to get sucked into doing everything for everyone, without questioning, could a could do it himself, could part of a job be delegatex, even one instance a week. That is how I found time for myself. It is a work in progress and a lot of it means having good boundaries.

When I was working, I was sent on assertiveness training, and one of the things we were asked to do was to write a list of things we would enjoy doing if we had the time/money. Then pick one, and try to do it at least once before returning the following week. there was a lot of negativity around this exercise, people asking just when they were supposed to fit in these activities when they had work, kids, etc.. One woman had three children, and spent every evening ferrying them about. She said she didn't even have time to read her book. The trainer said "What do you do while they are at their activity, and who looks after the others when you are out?" It turned out she had a husband at home but she would drive back, do a couple of jobs at home, then go out again to collect the child. The trainer suggested taking a book and a flask of coffee and waiting at the venue in the car. The following week she came back absolutely delighted! She'd had three hours alone, reading, and was planning already on what she could do in that time in the winter when it would be too cold to sit in the car. The jobs she would normally do at home were mostly picked up by her husband, but she said if they weren't, she'd felt relaxed and ready when she got home. If you think hard there may be times you could snatch a bit of time for yourself.

Sorry for typos, using my phone.

It doesn't have to take up all of your time, though. For me, it's getting up half an hour earlier than everyone else to have toast and a brew in peace. It's about my bath on a Saturday night. It's about finding half an hour to read in the garden on a sunny afternoon. It doesn't have to take up all of your time. In the time you spend on this website you could do something that would benefit you much more.

Elite sporting. I’m glad we know it’s elite as that changes everything! If it was just sporting then you would of course have time for self care but elite sporting!! No way!

Once asked by a much wealthier friend about what child benefit was for. Mine, I said, just gets swallowed up in everyday life. "What? why don't you do what I do. Every month it pays for my hairdresser. That's money you should spend on yourself for being a mother". how the other half live.