AIBU to be annoyed when being told everyone needs to self care?😡

[GloomyWaters]

Been asked today...'So, what do you do for selfcare?"........ha ha ha!!!!! I dont have the flipping time!!!! "Well you need to make the time, everyone needs to have some selfcare"
ANNOYED.......AIBU???

I think it's a funny one. I run 3 times a week which is self care but I dont really see it as such. I also read a book for 20mins most nights but I dont really have the mind set where I box something as self care or "for my mental health"

I have some friends that "need" to do similar things for their mental health and talk constantly about all the things they are doing like they are using mental health as an excuse to do something they enjoy because they dont feel like it's okay to do something you like or relax

Eg "I'm so busy I dont really have time to go running but I need to for my mental health"

I think it’s just the phrase that is a bit wanky. American corporate/ Instagram speak.

But the concept that you should relax and shut out the outside world is a good one.

I agree the phrasing was naff but the question is worthy of consideration.

It is a risky way to live, having no time for oneself, as it can overwhelm.

I agree, op. It's such a flimsy statement. But perhaps it could be as simple as asking yourself if you are okay. If the answer is no, then looking at ways to sort it.

Sounds trite and cringey

Caring for the parents would be extras but the rest is just normal life so I am unsure why you don't have 5 minutes at some point to watch tv/read/listen to the radio.

YABU, you just need to make the time.

It’s overwhelming being so busy all the time.

My ‘self care’ is listening to audiobooks/podcasts in the car commuting/whilst cooking etc, a bath instead of a shower once a week/fortnight and my husband had I ‘share’ weekend lie-ins (actually only an extra hour or so due to kids’ activities).

There’s no fancy yoga, mindfulness colouring etc. Just a concerted effort to have a little bit of time to switch my brain off from family/work.

Yes, asking about self care is a vitally important question

Do you know how many people I see sliding or have slid into depression and burnout???

Almost EVERYONE over the last year (therapist)

And there is ALWAYS something you can do - you get allocated the same 24 hours in the day as everyone else

If you think there is NOTHING you can do it might mean you're gripping on with your last fingernail as you're now not able to see a way out 🤷‍♀️

So.... cleaning less/buying ready meals/allocating chores/batch cooking/sharing lifts
And a gazillion other tiny things make a difference when there is very little time

Even taking 10 minutes to meditate/listen to a podcast is a good start as you are then saying to yourself out loud that you are doing this- acknowledging that this time is for you is a really important part of it

You have to value yourself, no other fucker is going to do it

It's really 'do self care' or end up crying at nothing, completely overwhelmed and unable to stop your thoughts racing during the night...

Do you watch TV? Maybe have a bath instead, or do some exercise whilst the kid's at the 'elite' sport

Sometimes 'self-care' can be lowering standards too to save time. Or choosing to buy healthier food.

It is basically anything you do to acknowledge you matter too - it doesn't have to mean lots of time taken out of an already packed schedule.

I dislike the fact that the people who say it to me say it from a place of implying:

• I need to spend more time on my appearance (eg find the time to put on makeup and "do" my hair)
• I ought to spend less time with my children in order to either a) spend time alone or b) spend time with DH without children

There's an element of judgement about preferences.

I like being busy looking after my family. I couldn't care less about makeup etc and DH and I like going on holiday with the children. Horses for courses.

there is ALWAYS something you can do - you get allocated the same 24 hours in the day as everyone else

Yes but your two year old cannot in fact carry out their own self care, and depending on your own family circumstances some people simply have to put other's needs over their own wants.

Some people like prioritising their family

I have a one minute meditation bookmark on my work computer for when I get a truly ridiculous email. Just that single minute makes a difference.

Assuming that the person(s) who said it really think you need it, just start with 5 minutes a day to yourself. I would suggest starting with having a good think about how you spend your time, and if there's anything you can change a little? It's hard to think rationally when you're tired and stressed, though

I like being busy looking after my family. I couldn't care less about makeup etc and DH and I like going on holiday with the children. Horses for courses.

some people like prioritising their family

careful with drawing a false dichotomy, I absolutely love spending time with my family and am rarely alone, also don't care about make up - but I am still caring for myself whilst doing that.

This is about 'are you feeling frazzled' isn't it? If you're not, you're not and that's good.
That

How many children do you have?
You don't seem particularly stretched in your OP
you don't mention extra long work hours or multiple children or special needs or ill health of anyone
Elite sports activity is a choice
Sounds like normal life - in fact I think you are lucky to be able to care for Elderly parent - I know lots of people who haven't seen parents in a year
Also your very lucky to have the Elite Sports club- my daughters clubs have mainly been shut for a year alongside a lot of the Uk

I think people assume self care is a face mask and a glass of wine in the bath or 'pampering'. It's not. It's things you do to stop yourself losing your shit.

Self care for me is:

• saying no to social things when I can feel myself getting burnt out

• clocking out of work at the right time to avoid burnout altogether

• growing veg, being in my tiny yard digging round in the soil is good for my brain, even if it takes 2-3 minutes a day while the kettle is boiling to check on it

• driving in my car to the beach and sitting there in silence for half an hour with a takeaway cup of tea

• forcing myself to try and get some kind of sleep routine (not v good at this one)

You don't have to make hours of time a week to chant mantras and do yoga and paint your nails. In the same way you need nutrition and sleep and exercise to keep your body healthy, what keeps your brain on an even keel?

It sounds like a euphemism for masturbation.

Which, incidentally, would fulfil the remit nicely.

I think your an attention seeker trying to stealth boast just by the fact you found
it imperative to mention its an "elite " sports club

It can be as simple as taking 5 minutes to browse mumsnet.

If your life is so busy that you genuinely can’t take 5 minutes out to do something for yourself then that’s not healthy.

We seem to be in a position where being constantly on the go has become the default. Unsurprisingly we are also in a position where mental health is also very poor for a lot of people.

Self care can be simple. For example I used to listen to radio 4 on my commute but the news is always so depressing. I now listen to music and sing my heart out in my car. It makes for a good start to the day. On my return I either phone people or listen to a podcast or audio book.

When cleaning at home I shove headphones on and listen to a podcast. That way it's less of a chore.

DD has a number of activities where I have an hour to kill. Sometimes if the other parents are people I enjoy chatting with I will talk to them. Otherwise I take a walk. It ticks the exercise box if nothing else.

I think self care can sound like a silly term but it does help. If you do feel too exhausted or overwhelmed then consider a GP appointment. I had similar feelings and turned out I needed an iron supplement.

It's things you do to stop yourself losing your shit.

Perfectly put imo.

If anything the banality of a bastard spa day would tip me over the edge! We all have different likes and needs but it is just acknowledging they are important that matters.

depending on your own family circumstances some people simply have to put other's needs over their own wants.

I would argue that self care is not a want - it's a need. So many people on here seem to think it's normal/natural to never have time for themselves and that's just not the case.

There's always something that can give.

@GloomyWaters

I think in your case you need to say no, enough is enough. I've been in your position and looking back it did me huge amounts of harm, wrecked what was left of my marriage because I was exhausted etc. For short periods we can cope with enhanced responsibility but longer term things like kids activities, elder care etc need to be reevaluated, delegated etc - men are very good at this we need to be!