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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone here neglect themselves in small ways?

432 replies

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 14:59

Not big ways like not eating for days or never washing...but weird little ways.

I do! And I was trying to work out why...for example. I realised today that I only have about 5 pairs of knickers and they're all full of holes. I have a few fancy lacy ones but they're uncomfortable and only for fun times... no everyday ones that aren't fit for the rag bag.

I mean...I can afford them! So why haven't I got them! I went out and sorted that out today....and I started thinking that when I was growing up, after about 14 or so, my Mum just stopped buying me any clothes.

She did get me a winter coat every year and shoes but nothing else.

Could that be why I habitually forget to get things like these basics?

What about you? Do you neglect anything weird like that?

OP posts:
needadvice54321 · 18/04/2021 00:23

@SheenMcQueen

Yes so many of these, especially pants/sock replacement and haircuts.

Also, minor health issues: I've had backache for ever, a weird itchy patch thing on my foot, a sprained thumb that has never really healed and a recurring fanjo issue. I'd take DD to the dr for any single one of these, but I've not felt it warrants an appointment, even though it's been a couple of years of most of them.

Food. Always give myself the wonky/broken bit of food.

Yep me too Blush

I'm shocking with my own health , but always taking care of my DS's health. I remember ending up with a chest infection at 38 weeks when pregnant with DS2 - I turned up at my midwife app and she went mad that I hadn't had myself looked at (also asthmatic) and she said if I don't look after myself I won't be fit to look after anyone else. It's stuck with me, just a shame I haven't taken her advice.. BlushGrin

Leontine · 18/04/2021 00:45

I have plenty of knickers but some of mine I’ve had for years and they’re falling apart. It’s weird but I feel sad about throwing them out so will wear them until they’re completely unwearable.
There’s some that I’ve had since I was in school, so about 15 years!

Sweettea1 · 18/04/2021 01:35

Yes same from about age 14 I became some what independent had todo everything myself even spending pocket money on tampons. now I pretty much do neglect everything I need and buy everything for my dc instead.

kittycorner · 18/04/2021 03:24

This is 100% me. I never spend on myself. Don't have a bra that fits, will wear a pair of shoes until they are threadbare, true about everything actually. Haven't been to the hairdressers in years. Probably have been twice in ten years and both times it was a birthday pressie.

I have bought myself new pants, maybe a year ago. Three pairs. Last of the big spenders.

Just don't spend money on myself. I'm frugal and very aware of making do, but wouldn't think anything of buying the dc new things as needed, yet would never dream of it for myself.

LadyDangerfield · 18/04/2021 04:09

We have to be careful about being too frugal as it might encourage our kids to be frivolous spenders. This is what's happened in my family, my uncle was really tight. His kids have grown up to be careless with money even though they're both professionals. They are making up for a very financially deprived childhood.

Thisistherhythmofthenight · 18/04/2021 05:33

Usually Im fairly good at this stuff. I do wear pjs and knickers till they're rags though lol. It's during pregnancy I totally neglect myself. No self care whatsoever. I suffer with HG and by the time it settles (to still moderate nausea) I'm.shattered and literally have no energy to.do.anything but the basics of having a shower. My diet is lacking because I can only eat what doesn't upset my stomach. Its just a miserable time for me till I give birth.

Roonerspismed · 18/04/2021 06:15

lady is that at “thing”? I have also noticed it in a few families including my husband.

I can be frivolous in other ways - I like nice food for example. I remember 35 years ago my mum saying she was was waiting for her existing plates to break before replacing them. She is still using them - mismatched and barely chipped.

I quite like it though. I think it’s the only way the planet can exist. I have definitely retained similar habits and feel guilt at generally being much more frivolous

Ddot · 18/04/2021 06:40

We need National pants day

EarringsandLipstick · 18/04/2021 06:42

@carawaybaby

When I cook the dinner I serve the others and I have what is left after they have had what they want because 'I'm not very hungry'. I don't buy myself new clothes, I have 3 identical pairs of trousers, 3 identical tops and 1 pair of shoes that match them all. When I am not at work I only wear pjs so I don't wear out my work clothes.
This is incredibly sad to read. 😢
Hm2020 · 18/04/2021 06:44

I’ve been threatening to buy new bras, knickers and socks since christmas They are still in my m&s basket I am not that broke I just keep finding reasons to say oh next week. Glad it’s not just me Grin

Schrutesbeets · 18/04/2021 06:48

Gosh I'm the same with underwear, socks, and PJs too?! Interesting so many others are the same.
I sometimes neglect brushing my teeth before bed or removing make up. I don't know why.

Dozer · 18/04/2021 07:05

My father does a LOT of things like this. We’ve always put it down to his difficult childhood where he experienced years of abuse.

Frequent phrases include: ‘I’m fine’, ‘I don’t need anything’, ‘don’t bother’.

So many things, some minor, some major. Some can be a big deal and even life threatening, eg not seeking attention for health stuff or chasing up appointments.

JustGiveMeGin · 18/04/2021 07:05

My parents never spent money on clothes for myself or my sister, I had to wear mens jeans and tops to non uniform days Sad
The poster above made a good point, I now spend a ridiculous amount on underwear and clothing for myself and my children.
If something the children have looks even slightly worn/stained I get rid of it and replace it with new.
I have very little money but I will make sure we all have the things we need, my childhood was miserable so I don't feel guilty at all.

coodawoodashooda · 18/04/2021 07:21

Yeah. Why? Does anyone know why? I have an anti depression type medication I was prescribed about 2 mo this ago. Why am I putting off taking it?

Dozer · 18/04/2021 07:41

Think contemplating taking anti depressants is a ‘special case’, coodawoodashooda. There’re some threads on MN on it, eg posters contemplating starting the medication, and mental health websites often have content about it.

carawaybaby · 18/04/2021 07:44

@coodawoodashooda

Yeah. Why? Does anyone know why? I have an anti depression type medication I was prescribed about 2 mo this ago. Why am I putting off taking it?
I don't know but I do that, I can't make myself do it.
BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 07:52

I do the same re putting it off. I think it is because I think I should be able to do it all and cope with it all, and should be just stronger than I am inside.

[looks atfull pack of citaloprom..... ]

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 07:57

@Cissyandflora

Now this may be a real leap but I feel I’m single because of another form of neglect. Not having a partner because I’m unworthy. Sort of similar to not having anything nice.

The person above who said they can’t open the nice electrical goods her husband buys her sent me thinking in that direction. A husband. Someone buying you gifts. Imagine that.

No offence meant whatsoever to that poster. I totally relate to the electrical things. And know exactly what you mean about seeing the Amazon parcels arriving to cater for every whim for someone else. My son does this and I’m so happy for him.

I binge eat and binge drink and this is definitely active self harm. My DH loves me and I never understand why. He buys me flowers all the time and it irritates me because I think i do not deserve it. He buys me lovely gifts and I always think 'what the fuck are you doing? '.

We have been married 20 years and I still ask him if it is alright if I use the phone to call my family abroad. He gets annoyed with me about that. 'Why are you asking me, you lunatic? ' he says.

Imagine if I trusted that it is actually okay to accept all that I have?

[mind blown]

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 07:58

Oh and @Cissyandflora just from the way you write I can tell you are an incredible loving woman who definitely deserves a partner who loves and values you.

chipsndippy · 18/04/2021 08:02

I don't buy enough clothes. I can afford them but growing up I was only ever bought new clothes or shoes when the others wore out. I tend to only have one pair of shoes for each thing (so everyday trainers, walking boots, gym trainers) one winter coat etc, other people I know have a choice of things!

SheldontheWonderSchlong · 18/04/2021 08:16

This thread is very sad.

My mum tells me stories about when she was a teen her mum would take her to London to buy the latest fashions, yet once I was about 12/13 she stopped buying me clothes. I paid for everything with my Saturday job wages. She never even bought me sanpro. I bought my own first bra etc.
When I tried to talk to her about it she immediately started getting angry and defensive saying I was so "secretive" as a teen.

It makes me really sad to think she had such a good relationship with her mum, but clearly didn't want the same with me Sad

Original poster
FortunesFave · 18/04/2021 08:20

I've been and bought new pyjamas and a fat new dressing gown today...and hair accessories just because I wanted them! Oh...and a new top!

OP posts:
fucksat50 · 18/04/2021 08:21

I never buy myself new bras or pants either. DH is the same, some of his have holes in.

Robin233 · 18/04/2021 08:24

Oh dear some very sad posts here.
I can relate.
When the kids were young and we had little money it all went on them.
New outfits for the kids while my clothes fell to bits on me.
Growing up there was some make do abs mend attitude (grandma had been through 2 world wars. ) and we had ‘best’ clothes and play clothes.
For years I only looked smart if I went out - as in a restaurant, pub , party, wedding etc.
Every day ware - scruffy.
Luckily work had a uniform.
I’d see people out and about looking smart all the time and just feel inferior.
Not sure what changed but I remember reading that best clothes weren’t just for best occasions, but for all occasions because ‘I’ was the Best.
Id been doing lots of work on rising my self esteem since my youngest had been born and ‘allowing’ myself to dress smartly to do the shopping was big for me. I felt so much better

Fast forward 25 years and throw in some CBT and I’ve now become one of those women I’ve always admired but never ever thought I’d be.
So ladies tell yourself you do deserve nice things. Be kind to yourself.
I’ve just had my hair cut and brought 2 pairs on new shoes since restrictions have lifted. I feel better. I look better and it helped the high street.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 08:25

My DHis the same. he wears shirts he got from his father (that his father was going to throw out..... In the 80s. )

He does only buy expensive shoes. Church's, one pair about every 5 years.

We are thankfully very financially comfortable and we buy things for the DCs that they need. (Although DS1 with senory issues does get many charity shop stuff as usually they have been worn and washed to complete softness. Otherwise I buy him softest cotton and cashmere to sew to the inside of his school uniform as a liner - otherwise he'd go to school and just take all his clothes off0.