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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone here neglect themselves in small ways?

432 replies

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 14:59

Not big ways like not eating for days or never washing...but weird little ways.

I do! And I was trying to work out why...for example. I realised today that I only have about 5 pairs of knickers and they're all full of holes. I have a few fancy lacy ones but they're uncomfortable and only for fun times... no everyday ones that aren't fit for the rag bag.

I mean...I can afford them! So why haven't I got them! I went out and sorted that out today....and I started thinking that when I was growing up, after about 14 or so, my Mum just stopped buying me any clothes.

She did get me a winter coat every year and shoes but nothing else.

Could that be why I habitually forget to get things like these basics?

What about you? Do you neglect anything weird like that?

OP posts:
ThePearSquare · 17/04/2021 19:50

I’m going shopping for the first time in 5 years tomorrow, I’m going to buy some bras, knickers and some jeans and tops for the summer as a well done for losing 2 stone in lockdown. Prior to this I’ve had the same stuff since before I became pregnant with my 4 1/2 year old!
I have to say my husband is even worse, he went to boarding school and still wears the boxers he had there - they’ve still got his name in them!!

carlywurly · 17/04/2021 19:52

I'm so sorry for these stories - they are heartbreaking.

I had always fancied a certain make of bag so I eventually got myself one. It was second hand, from eBay and has been repaired numerous times in the years I've had it. It's starting to look tatty.

I've got a decent job and some savings and knew I could afford a new version of the bag I want. It's virtually the cheapest they do. I just couldn't do it. It seemed too frivolous.

Today I have ordered one and pick it up tomorrow. Smile

CrankyFrankie · 17/04/2021 20:04

This has made me reflect. Just asked my mum in a totally non-confrontational way why she never bought me a bra or took me to get fitted for one and she flipped out Blush

Ddot · 17/04/2021 20:08

My knickers are shocking. I wear a lady magnet which tends to put holes in them, so I dont feel I can justify buying more when it will just happen again. My nails are grim, never had a manicure or a facial for that matter and i dye my own hair. Very low maintenance aren't i. Maybe I should treat myself more

PinkyDozza · 17/04/2021 20:30

I have a weird thing about using new electrical items which DH sometimes buys me for my birthday. For example he bought me a smoothie maker (which I asked for) and it sat in the box for 2 years before I opened it and now I use it everyday. The same goes for a nice radio (finally opened it after 3 years and it doesn’t work!) and a soda stream (to make sparkling water) again 2 years before I opened it to use it. think I am saving them for best and I’m really worried about them wearing out! I too have a drawer of holey knickers! DH in the other hand has a daily delivery of amazon parcels to meet his every want and need (whim)

coodawoodashooda · 17/04/2021 20:43

I relate to the postponing opening up helpful items. Don't understand why though.

JovialNickname · 17/04/2021 21:46

This is a really interesting thread, and there are some sad stories on here from women that deserve lovely things and yet somehow don't have them. You should have them Flowers

JovialNickname · 17/04/2021 21:48

And also, a theme of this thread seems to be that we should arrange a special day where we all go and buy new pants en masse.

tigerlilly22 · 17/04/2021 21:49

When I was little, we were really really poor, not helped by the fact my father was a drinker and kept my Mum short of money. She really struggled to clothe and feed us bless her and she did her best. Now I have a lovely family, an amazing husband and I want for nothing and can afford to buy whatever I like. Inside tho I am still that little child that went without and it seems so normal to not have nice things that I don't even notice or care.

Cissyandflora · 17/04/2021 21:51

@CrankyFrankie

This has made me reflect. Just asked my mum in a totally non-confrontational way why she never bought me a bra or took me to get fitted for one and she flipped out Blush
Same here. Mum never bought me a bra. Or anything new really clothing wise.
Cissyandflora · 17/04/2021 21:53

@coodawoodashooda

I relate to the postponing opening up helpful items. Don't understand why though.
Me too. I’m frightened of being let down. So if I’ve bought something nice and I use it and it’s not really good then I’ll be stressed. It’s something like that that goes through my head.
13579db · 17/04/2021 21:57

Same! Pyjamas, underwear, nice toiletries - I can afford them, I just look at them online then never get around to sorting it out. But if my kids need these things I'm straight onto it

Original poster
FortunesFave · 17/04/2021 21:57

@CrankyFrankie

This has made me reflect. Just asked my mum in a totally non-confrontational way why she never bought me a bra or took me to get fitted for one and she flipped out Blush
How did she flip out Frankie? What did she say?
OP posts:
PiccallilliCircus · 17/04/2021 21:58

I'm the same!
My last bras lasted about 5 years. 4 on rotate. I recently bought 4 more.
Pants can have big holes in them before I think to replace them.
I can rotate 2 pairs of trainer socks with finesse.
Skin care is a quick wipe of the face with 99p Superdrug face wipes.
I bite my nails. All of them.
I have trouble finding quality PJs that fit properly (nighties too short for example) so if I find a pair I wear them until they disintegrate.

I have to remind DD14 to tell ne if she needs new undies or PJs, she still has some pj bottoms aged 10 that are way too small for her. So its inherited.

Cissyandflora · 17/04/2021 21:58

Now this may be a real leap but I feel I’m single because of another form of neglect. Not having a partner because I’m unworthy. Sort of similar to not having anything nice.

The person above who said they can’t open the nice electrical goods her husband buys her sent me thinking in that direction. A husband. Someone buying you gifts. Imagine that.

No offence meant whatsoever to that poster. I totally relate to the electrical things. And know exactly what you mean about seeing the Amazon parcels arriving to cater for every whim for someone else. My son does this and I’m so happy for him.

pinkstripeycat · 17/04/2021 22:08

I feed everyone else and forget to eat myself as I’m busy clearing up instead of eating first. Forget (can’t be bothered) to defuzz my legs. Can’t be bothered to colour my greys because no one has noticed

PiccallilliCircus · 17/04/2021 22:13

Heavens! My hair! I only go to the salon at most 3 times a year! It gets tatty but I tell myself I cannot justify the cost! So it's tied up all the time probably aiding split ends but I DO buy "nice" shampoo as a concession!

Haudyourwheesht · 17/04/2021 22:14

I always need to pee but prioritise everything else (mostly my small DCs demands) over it. I was dropping off something in the bathroom earlier when it occurred to me that I needed to pee, so should maybe just go, while I was there.

Cissyandflora · 17/04/2021 22:16

@Haudyourwheesht

I always need to pee but prioritise everything else (mostly my small DCs demands) over it. I was dropping off something in the bathroom earlier when it occurred to me that I needed to pee, so should maybe just go, while I was there.
Me too! I hold on for ages. Never make myself comfortable but always look after others. And I’ve fed the children tonight but myself- I’m having a cup of tea.
Comtesse · 17/04/2021 23:26

This is a sad thread. If we don’t value ourselves (symptoms of scurvy ffs!) does that mean we put up with crap from people around us because “we don’t deserve any better” too? Old pjs who cares right, but skipping meals, not going to the loo, wearing shoes with holes when there is money in the bank - yes the children deserve a lot, but are we worth so much less? My god....

WagnersFourthSymphony · 17/04/2021 23:28

JovialNickname
Even though it doesn't sound like much, I feel happy that I don't wear holey socks or too-small pants anymore, or wear a ratty old dressing gown because it feels like a waste to spend £10 on a new one. I feel better about myself and like the fact that I take care of me.

£10 on a new dressing gown! There you go again! You could get a really nice one in TKMaxx for £20. Grin

V grateful for this thread. I thought it was just me, looking at a pair of holey knickers as I pulled them on this morning and thinking, good: it will probably be at least another dozen washes before they disintegrate.

It's guilt, isn't it. Inculcated by our self sacrificing mothers and theirs before them.

I'm old enough to remember the time when clothing wasn't so cheap, and people didn't have so many garments. I'm sure that parsimony worked its way in too, the same way I'm a dab hand with leftovers because I can't bear to waste food - which has its roots in my parents' wartime food scarcity rather than contemporary concern for the planet (though it fits in v well).

Despite being comfortably off these days, I still have a great resistance to buying outside the sales, and a pretty entrenched scepticism of the 'Because you're worth it' mantra.

secular39 · 17/04/2021 23:30

I steal ds's socks

I thought I was the only one! My middle DS keeps telling me to Stop!

secular39 · 17/04/2021 23:31

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

After going without as a child and then being financially abused in my first marriage, I make a conscious effort to allow myself the same standard of living as everyone else in the house. So if others have a decent coat and shoes then so do I. If I can afford good quality all round then I won't be left out.

My children's needs come before my needs, but their wants don't come before my needs. We are all as important as each other.

Yes 🙌
MaitreKarlsson · 18/04/2021 00:04

Good thread and reading all the posts I am realising how lucky I am that my mum took me shopping for clothes...even if she often did buy the things she preferred for me!
For me weirdly it's the big things; I have a hip problem that I was going to have a procedure on pre-Covid. Still not got round to rebooking it, although it's gradually more and more painful. I have insurance, I could just get it done. Same with a tooth op. As a PP said, its just that things for myself are another chore and one I can let slide. Or perhaps I am slightly worried about the pain and Covid is a convenient excuse...

Merryweather80 · 18/04/2021 00:13

Mobility equipment I need but is expensive- is my failing. I can’t justify the cost of it as it’s just me who’ll use it even though I can barely get upstairs. In reality I need these items to safely move around the house whilst looking after my children, one of them is only a year old.
I need that stair lift, an adaption to my manual wheelchair to make it an electric one for days I can’t self propel and new hand rails for the bathroom.
My children have everything they want and need, no mortgage, saving etc but will I? Nope- I can’t justify or rationalise the cost.