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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my friend neglecting her children?

160 replies

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 08:38

I'll try to avoid useless information.

I have a friend who is expecting her forth child but the children she already has are not properly taken care of. They are all about a year or so apart bar the first child.

She dumps at least one of her 3 children at a friend's house or her parents house at all times, she nearly never has all her children at once.
They are allowed to eat whatever they want, usually fast food every night, they have constant reoccurring lice, she will treat them once or twice every few months but they still always end up with lice - I suppose it could be their friends but at one point you could see them crawling all over, even on the BABIES head!

They are filthy by mid day as the house is pretty dirty and she never wipes them down.
They don't brush their teeth or hair usually and I can see black cavities in the children's teeth.

They are not taught manners or patience. My friend regularly screams and her children and calls them names.

The oldest misses school at least a few days every month because her mother just can't be bothered taking her to school.

Is this neglect worthy of calling some kind of child services about? The children are mostly healthy, clothed and fed so I feel as I might be over reacting but it just feels wrong, especially seeing as she is careless enough to be having another.
I wish there was a step in between child services Sad but what's your opinions?

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 16/04/2021 08:40

If you were those children, would you want someone to help you?

Of course you should report asap.

Stormwhale · 16/04/2021 08:41

Yes it absolutely is neglect, and you should definitely contact social services. Things will only get worse once the new baby is born. Please do not leave this children to suffer any more.

Walkerbean16 · 16/04/2021 08:41

yes thats neglect.

Lassy1945 · 16/04/2021 08:42

I can’t believe you have witnessed this for so long and now done something.

Email the school immediately. Express your concerns, clearly and factually.

Yaty · 16/04/2021 08:43

If you've got concerns the children are at risk of being harmed you should always report. If you don't feel comfortable going straight to children's services you could try and contact the school and ask to speak to the safeguarding officer. Have you spoken to your friend, does she think she is neglectful/needing support? I think this is what I would try to do first because it might be she realises but just isn't able to ask for help. You could then speak to school/social services together about getting some additional support in for her and the children. If she doesn't acknowledge I think you've got enough there to need to be reporting, just so someone can have a proper assessment of what is going on for the kids.

lemonsyellow · 16/04/2021 08:44

Yes, report.

UhtredRagnarson · 16/04/2021 08:44

How is this someone you call a friend???

Anyway call social services. Those poor children need serious help!

JungleIsMassive · 16/04/2021 08:44

I guess if you report them then social services can make a decision on whether they think its abuse or not. There's no legal side to layman's thinking the children are being abused. I know what you mean about a step in between nothing and social services. A children's centre service would be perfect for this. Sounds like the mum needs some guidence on how to keep everyone happy and healthy.

UCOinanOCG · 16/04/2021 08:46

I am a retired SW an I would advise you to report this. They are being neglected which is a form of abuse. It will affect their physical and emotional health in the longer term. Write down all the things which concern you so you know what you are going to say. State you want tor report concerns for the children in a family you know and be clear you have seen these things first hand. If you would prefer not to report directly to SW you can go through NSPCC to make a report.

Bumberlee · 16/04/2021 08:46

Report it and let the services or school assess. It sounds like you just want to bitch and gossip about her though.

Highlands23 · 16/04/2021 08:48

Yes, they will offer support at least. It sounds like mum is struggling and with the last year as well probably more so. I’m surprised the school hasn’t said anything. Sometimes the threshold isn’t high enough but they may be able to offer support

FuckyouCovid21 · 16/04/2021 08:48

I'm surprised nothing has been done before now, especially with the missing school regularly

forinborin · 16/04/2021 08:50

How do you know they have fast food every day or that she never has all of them together - unless you live together and observe them on the daily basis?
I usually order fast food / pizza when friends are visiting - from that perspective my children are also eating fast food "every day" - when they are observed, of course.
Do you think the children will be happier if they are removed from their mother and placed with a stranger who matches your expectations of food quality and cleanliness better?
What a bizarre thing to do to a "friend". If she is indeed a friend, and you think she might be struggling or feeling overwhelmed - go and help her. That's what friends in my universe do, at least.

TaraR2020 · 16/04/2021 08:51

Oh my goodness, yes please get social services involved! Definitely neglect.

IdblowJonSnow · 16/04/2021 08:51

Definitely neglect. Please take action OP. You can remain anonymous I believe?
Those poor kids. Sad

IdblowJonSnow · 16/04/2021 08:54

@forinborin
I don't imagine they'll be very happy without any teeth or having a mouthful of fillings. Having untreated lice for a long time can cause serious infections.
It's a reach to assume they'll be taken off the mum. More likely she'll get the required support to make a difference.

Chocobo11 · 16/04/2021 08:58

Yes report it's neglect.

UhtredRagnarson · 16/04/2021 08:59

Do you think the children will be happier if they are removed from their mother and placed with a stranger who matches your expectations of food quality and cleanliness better?

Who said anything about removing the children? Is that what you think calling SS means? It doesn’t. It means SS will get in touch with the parent and the school, probably the GP/health visitor too and have a conversation with them then decide if any further action should be taken. In this case they probably will want the parents to take some action to ensure full attendance at school, treat the headline, clean any unhygienic areas of the house and they might offer things like a parenting or cooking class, a few hours help from home start every week and regular check ups with SS to make sure that the actions are being taken.

BunnyRuddington · 16/04/2021 08:59

Agree with UCOinanOCG entirely.

UhtredRagnarson · 16/04/2021 09:00

Headline= headlice

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2021 09:03

Yes, it is neglect and I absolutely would report this family. What is her reason for the many pregnancies? Is she addicted to newborns? Some women are then neglect / discard them once they become autonomous people? What about the father(s)?

It’s unlikely the children will be removed but hopefully she will get support. And maybe you could advise her to get counselling?

forinborin · 16/04/2021 09:04

[quote IdblowJonSnow]@forinborin
I don't imagine they'll be very happy without any teeth or having a mouthful of fillings. Having untreated lice for a long time can cause serious infections.
It's a reach to assume they'll be taken off the mum. More likely she'll get the required support to make a difference.[/quote]
Well, the "support" between removing the children and doing nothing that the OP is looking for someone to provide, is... surprise surprise! It's friends, family and the community, and it has been so for thousands of years. Including OP herself, as she qualifies herself as a friend. It takes a village to raise a child, it hasn't changed only because there are institutionalised welfare services now.
I suspect the children don't really have a full mouth of fillings at a baby / toddler stage, I bet it is a slight exaggeration - it has never occurred to give my friends' children dental exams. Even if so, I am not sure how the OP can be sure the children NEVER brush their teeth (unless she spends every night and morning at their house) and that this is indeed the reason behind the poor dental health. My dentist's friend son had to have two fillings before starting school, he has an enamel defect that runs in the family.

georgarina · 16/04/2021 09:05

It does seem like neglect. Seems like it would be good for her to get an assessment and see if she can get some added support. I would maybe call the school and see what they advise? Social services could be the right way to go, or there could be something in between.

Notthissticky · 16/04/2021 09:07

@Bumberlee

Report it and let the services or school assess. It sounds like you just want to bitch and gossip about her though.
No it doesn'tHmm It sounds like someone who feels conflicted because she can see the children are being neglected but is unsure whether she should report someone she considers a friend.
Bitofanexpert · 16/04/2021 09:11

Poor babies :( I wouldn’t knock the fact they are not always there- unless they are going somewhere just as bad?

I presume she isn’t working so surely they’ll be in nursery fairly early? You don’t mention this unless you aren’t in England.

Please report though. None of us would choose to live like this- these children have to and have no choice about it. :(