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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my friend neglecting her children?

160 replies

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 08:38

I'll try to avoid useless information.

I have a friend who is expecting her forth child but the children she already has are not properly taken care of. They are all about a year or so apart bar the first child.

She dumps at least one of her 3 children at a friend's house or her parents house at all times, she nearly never has all her children at once.
They are allowed to eat whatever they want, usually fast food every night, they have constant reoccurring lice, she will treat them once or twice every few months but they still always end up with lice - I suppose it could be their friends but at one point you could see them crawling all over, even on the BABIES head!

They are filthy by mid day as the house is pretty dirty and she never wipes them down.
They don't brush their teeth or hair usually and I can see black cavities in the children's teeth.

They are not taught manners or patience. My friend regularly screams and her children and calls them names.

The oldest misses school at least a few days every month because her mother just can't be bothered taking her to school.

Is this neglect worthy of calling some kind of child services about? The children are mostly healthy, clothed and fed so I feel as I might be over reacting but it just feels wrong, especially seeing as she is careless enough to be having another.
I wish there was a step in between child services Sad but what's your opinions?

OP posts:
hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:45

Of course I'm judging her when I see the condition of her children sometimes.

OP posts:
forinborin · 16/04/2021 10:46

@hapilyanon

Please don't make rude assumptions, I haven't known her for more than a year, obviously I don't live with her so it has taken me time to realise the true extent. I have just come here for advice, I'm still young and don't want to be sticking my nose in places it doesn't belong, especially other people's family matters.
So you knew her only during the time of covid? When she was a working and (presumably) home-schooling pregnant mother of three? When the dentists were actually mainly closed, outside of emergencies?

God, if my own parenting was judged based on how it has been during the last year...

I think I am off now, I don't have anything better to offer.

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:48

He is not interested in getting involved as he faced a much worse childhood and doesn't see it as so bad. I just don't think he would call them on his sister nor will anyone around them hense why I'm damn well here.
I'm ALSO wondering why none has picked this up because frankly I'd obviously rather not be involved in any of this.

Seems to me like you're just judging me, do you actually have any helpful insight?

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 16/04/2021 10:48

I knew it was going to be a SIL!!

kirinm · 16/04/2021 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/04/2021 10:49

Are the DC on danger? Are they out all day without supervision?
I can see why you are concerned.

Could you call the nspcc? Or email the school pastor?
It's not judging to see another wreck less pregnancy in a family knowing the existing DC aren't getting the right foundation to grow.
Some people love the baby phase and need another once they're a toddler.
DC are a long term investment.

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:49

Thank you for the reply with the options, I will look into them

OP posts:
kirinm · 16/04/2021 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UhtredRagnarson · 16/04/2021 10:49

Fwiw I’d run from this family, boyfriend included OP.

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:50

Yes exactly my fears, she still loves her children I just think shes gotten lazy.

OP posts:
kirinm · 16/04/2021 10:51

@hapilyanon

He is not interested in getting involved as he faced a much worse childhood and doesn't see it as so bad. I just don't think he would call them on his sister nor will anyone around them hense why I'm damn well here. I'm ALSO wondering why none has picked this up because frankly I'd obviously rather not be involved in any of this.

Seems to me like you're just judging me, do you actually have any helpful insight?

Yes I said report it.
Spudbyanyothername · 16/04/2021 10:51

Yes there is neglect in there, even if she is trying her best, it’s based on the child’s needs, not what she can do.
Social services are the ones to access support. Of course there are examples where this hasn’t happened but plenty where some interventions (eg childcare, involving other families, school) have improved the situation and now all ok - people don’t talk about these as much.

Spudbyanyothername · 16/04/2021 10:52

*family

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:53

She is careless with the pill, she admits it herself. The father of 3 of the children is still around however not very helpful, he works a 9-5 and then is interested in doing not much else.
She has help from family though, I just feel she takes advantage of it.

OP posts:
kirinm · 16/04/2021 10:55

To be fair, if I had 3 kids I'd take advantage of family support. The family presumably aren't actually providing the right level of support if the kids are still in the state you've described.

Honestly, just report. Then perhaps don't stay with her brother if he sees no problem with it. Doesn't bode well for the future.

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:56

Yes I'm thinking the school is my best option at the moment, see if they see anything seeing as they have one of the kids for half the day. I am very nervous about going to SS and her finding out it was me who said something, but the kids..
Bad situation all around.

OP posts:
hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:58

No, the family are not, they have the same level of care.
He recognises that they get treated poorly in some areas but they are also loved and generally happy.

We don't want children so no problem there! Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 10:59

Thank you that puts it into good perspective.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 16/04/2021 10:59

Better to report than not with the information that you have. She needs support and hopefully that is what will be offered.

AwkwardArnottDentonFumble · 16/04/2021 11:01

Approaching the school is a good idea. It may be that they’re not getting the full picture.

It’s sad if your boyfriend had a worse childhood - so presumably this mum did too. So she needs support to learn how to do better perhaps. SS is a way of getting that help, they really don’t swoop in and take kids away. She might be able to access something like counselling for her own childhood too.

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 11:01

He is around, has about the same interest in the children as her though.

OP posts:
grapewine · 16/04/2021 11:03

@hapilyanon

She has some medical conditions so I feel like she uses that as an excuse, not sure though.
Your posts are so judgmental. If she has medical conditions, maybe she's just fucking overwhelmed. Where's the other parent?
ElsasFrozenVerucca · 16/04/2021 11:04

I assumed because of the way this was written she wAs a single parent and Therefore the one who needed to step up. If the dad is there then they both need to step up. Why is it always on the mum? Especially if mum is pregnant and health problems and working PT, Dad should be the one stepping up more right now.

AwkwardArnottDentonFumble · 16/04/2021 11:05

The health condition puts a different perspective on it too. Honestly a quiet word to the school might help all of them.

I have struggled at times due to my health but have asked for help. Some people with similar struggles don’t feel able to ask for help and admit they’re struggling - others might say it’s out of pride but it can be from fear of being judged etc

hapilyanon · 16/04/2021 11:06

She has medical issues that barely inhibit her, not to the extent of not being able to make your child a 5 min lunch and pop them off to school.

OP posts: