To let him wear dresses

[AllHallowsEve14]

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

You must be very naive to think your child won't be bullied. He will. I have yet to see a boy wearing a dress out of MN world. You just tell him no and leave it at that.

@AllHallowsEve14

This isn't about us breaking school rules.

even if that was true... you will still tell your child that they can't wear pink/ spiderman or non-uniform clothes.

Even if was a non-uniform school, they tend to ban fancy dress too, for obvious reasons.

So it's so disingenuous to pretend you can't or don't want to say no for some items, but you'll be perfectly fine saying no for others.

I agree, it depends a lot on the catchment. My then 4 year old had (by his choice) long blonde hair. At nursery, he was one of several boys with long hair. Between nursery and school we had to send him to holiday club in a different area (nursery had dropped it's hours and most places near us won't take them till they start school). He came home on day one and asked his dad to shave all his hair off. He was absolutely hysterical when we tried to get him to leave it a couple of days. Hes seven now and will not let his hair grow at all.

At school he's accepted for who he is, he has unicorn accessories and wears rainbows on non uniform day. He's the most confident boy ever when it comes to being himself but whatever happened that day really affected him.

There are enough parents who moan that their little boys with long hair are confused with girls.

Jason Momoa might be very obviously male whatever hairstyle he fancies that day, but on a 5 year old, the gender really is not that obvious and long hair scream girl. 🤷 Just correct them saying "no, he's a boy", no big deal.

interesting cross post!

but true, most kids will say that long hair are for girls. Some little girls are really upset that they are not allowed to have hair as long as they wish!
that's life.

Oh, it's hard, OP. All kids should be free to wear what they please. (Within reason). But he will get comments if not bullying.

School dresses can be useful for covering white shirts but trousers are more practical for boys and girls.

Does he know the other kids already from nursery?

I would ask why, is it the colours and patterns, they way they move, the freedom to move easily? I would want to understand why he would like to wear them. I would probably say fine for home but at school we have to stick to the uniform for boys.

My ds is 3 and loves cars and all things 'boyish but he still likes to dress up as a princess with his sister and wear a crown occasionally, it isn't made into a big deal.

To all the people saying 'would you let them go dress as Spider-Man' - you KNOW this isn't the same thing! Skirts and dresses are part of the uniform, just 'not for boys'. The thing that really gets me is that the 'boys' uniform is regularly worn by girls. So it's not just a case of 'this is the boys uniform and this is the girls', because the girls can wear both, so why the hell can't the boys?!

That being said, yes the playground can be bloody brutal, and I would also be very worried about my child's social experience 😞 but I also completely understand wanting your child to be free to express themselves and wear what they want (within the uniform guidelines). I would probably do what a pp said, and tell him he needs to start off the year wearing the trousers but that you'd check with the school and if he still wants to wear a skirt/dress e.g after Xmas, and the school were fine with it then 👍 and possibly have a conversation with him about how other child might be a bit difficult because boys don't usually wear dresses and people often are funny about stuff that's unusual/they don't understand. Op I hope you are able to manage the situation in a way that feels as comfortable as possible for you and your family x

It isn't just dress up with my ds. His everyday wardrobe contains girls clothes and shoes. Even down to his pjs. It's just what he likes.

I don't like having to say he can only wear this or this because he is a boy. His twin is the complete opposite so this isn't through any influence from me either way.

Thank you for all the replies, it has helped a lot.

The best photo we have of DS is of him dressed as a fairy. Aged 4. It provoked gales of laughter when the Best Man projected it at his wedding. 2 years ago.
Kids like dressing up for all kinds of reasons. It's fun. They may fancy looking like a girl. They may need to look like a girl.
Go with the flow Id say.

@hullaballoo19 thank you so much, that's how I feel.

Oh hang on he wants to wear them at school? Ok. I'd keep the dress wearing at home for now. See how things go
But don't restrict at home

Sorry but I agree with your ex - it would be a no from me.

I don't like having to say he can only wear this or this because he is a boy.

So tell him it's because it's uniform

My DS was like this too, at age 3-4, although had more-or-less grown out of it by the time he was reception age. I think it must be a feature of young boys with an older sister to look up to, among other reasons! My DH was keen to keep it in the house but I did let him wear eg an Elsa dress to the park, and was amused by adults using carefully gender-neutral pronouns with him - the only consequence I could see.

You’re right that his own age group (nursery/reception) doesn’t blink an eye, and I much prefer that to the tribal “boys vs girls” stage my DS is now in, at 6 years old!

I don’t know what the answer is. The learned tribal behaviour is such a shame, and I wish, as parents, we could all join forces with teachers and eliminate it from education.

There are lots of things that bullies will pick on, I don't think that means the solution is to never let anyone be themselves. I was bullied absolutely reletenlessly at school for having very curly hair, but no one suggested an appropriate solution was me to start straightening my hair. It was rightly identified as a problem with the bullies and the school did their best to resolve the problem at the end of the bully and not the victim. Same with a child who comes out as LGBT, they will almost certainly experience bullying. But the solution isn't for them to stay in the closet to avoid bullying, it's to take action against the bullies. I don't see why it should be different when it comes to children who don't fit within traditional gender boxes. My sister was bullied by the other girls in her class at primary for being very into football and wanting to play mainly with the boys at break time, but no one told her to start being more "girly" in response.

So your boy wants to wear dresses, I don't see the difference. Yes he'll get bullied at some point and that sucks, but the school should deal with it the same way they deal with other bullying - by making it the bullies problem and not the victims. And then maybe things will change a bit, and the next boy who wants to wear dresses won't get bullied, and then it'll become more and more normal and eventually there will be no more girls clothes or boys clothes. If we want things to change then we need to accept that someone's little boy is going to be on the sharp end of leading that change, just as many many girls and women were once at the sharp end of normalising wearing trousers and other "boy" clothes. If you don't want that boy to be your boy then that's understandable, but the preference of some boys for femininity has been around forever and it isn't going away. I bet you wish that the previous generation had normalised it so that your little boy could live unrestricted by stereotypes, and the next generation of parents with this exact same dilemma will wish the same thing about you. Of course you should put your child's welfare first, but if nobody leads the change then there isn't going to be a change. We can tell little boys that they aren't allowed to wear dresses all we want but it isn't going to make gender non conformity in children go away.

This isn't a hypothetical to me BTW as I also have a very feminine 4 year old boy who loves all things pink and my little pony and prefers playing quietly in the home corner at nursery. I really really worry about him starting school and being bullied but I absolutely am not going to try and change him. If he gets bullied then I will expect the school to come down on that like a tonne of bricks. But I absolutely do understand your fears.

At that age I would have loved to have had the opportunity to leave the house in a skirt or dress let alone go to school, but sadly I have to agree the bullying could be horrible.
Even if at this age the other children are accepting of the way he dresses this will not always be the case, it just needs one bully looking for a victim and this could haunt him for years.
Let him dress how he wants at home, at family events or even going to tesco but for now I would say no to school.
I speak as a man who has lived with this since I was around 4, the world can often be cruel and judgemental but the good thing is attitudes are changing.
I wish I was young today.
Good luck 👍

When my DS was in reception he was picked on (by girls) for having a pair of boxer shorts on with a neon pink waistband (when getting changed for PE) and having black socks with a neon pink embellishment of some sort. So on that basis, I’d definitely say he’ll be picked on for wearing a dress. I think that at that age, they’re even more gender stereotyping than older children as they’re just learning about being a girl or a boy.

No. My boy used to like dresses too at home when he was 3/4 but no way would I let him go to school in one.
Starting school is a whole bee world. A huge change for them. Your son would stick out like a sore thumb because of a decision you have made. Yes we all need to be accepting, absolutely. But why would you actively choose to make your son stand out when he is just starting somewhere new so young.
After he has been in school for a year review it then. He will probably have a very different view.
He is too young to know the full ramifications of this decision so you need to wait.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

There are lots of things that bullies will pick on, I don't think that means the solution is to never let anyone be themselves. I was bullied absolutely reletenlessly at school for having very curly hair, but no one suggested an appropriate solution was me to start straightening my hair. It was rightly identified as a problem with the bullies and the school did their best to resolve the problem at the end of the bully and not the victim. Same with a child who comes out as LGBT, they will almost certainly experience bullying. But the solution isn't for them to stay in the closet to avoid bullying, it's to take action against the bullies. I don't see why it should be different when it comes to children who don't fit within traditional gender boxes. My sister was bullied by the other girls in her class at primary for being very into football and wanting to play mainly with the boys at break time, but no one told her to start being more "girly" in response.

So your boy wants to wear dresses, I don't see the difference. Yes he'll get bullied at some point and that sucks, but the school should deal with it the same way they deal with other bullying - by making it the bullies problem and not the victims. And then maybe things will change a bit, and the next boy who wants to wear dresses won't get bullied, and then it'll become more and more normal and eventually there will be no more girls clothes or boys clothes. If we want things to change then we need to accept that someone's little boy is going to be on the sharp end of leading that change, just as many many girls and women were once at the sharp end of normalising wearing trousers and other "boy" clothes. If you don't want that boy to be your boy then that's understandable, but the preference of some boys for femininity has been around forever and it isn't going away. I bet you wish that the previous generation had normalised it so that your little boy could live unrestricted by stereotypes, and the next generation of parents with this exact same dilemma will wish the same thing about you. Of course you should put your child's welfare first, but if nobody leads the change then there isn't going to be a change. We can tell little boys that they aren't allowed to wear dresses all we want but it isn't going to make gender non conformity in children go away.

This isn't a hypothetical to me BTW as I also have a very feminine 4 year old boy who loves all things pink and my little pony and prefers playing quietly in the home corner at nursery. I really really worry about him starting school and being bullied but I absolutely am not going to try and change him. If he gets bullied then I will expect the school to come down on that like a tonne of bricks. But I absolutely do understand your fears.

All of this is exactly what has been going through my mind. Nothing will change if we don't start letting clothes be clothes. I'm just so worried that it will have an impact on the rest of his life after reading these comments. How ridiculous is that? His whole life could be ruined by wearing something others don't like. I can't put that above his safety and wellbeing though. Especially at his age :-(

All of this is exactly what has been going through my mind. Nothing will change if we don't start letting clothes be clothes.

But he doesn't want to wear them because they are clothes he likes. The issue seems to be he wants to wear a dress to school because his big sis does that and he wants to be like her. If she wore trousers surely it wouldn't even be a question and he would want to wear trousers.

It's fine to see clothes as clothes but surely the answer is to approach this from the practical point of view that trousers are actually the most practical choice of clothing not that they are what he wears because he is boy.

YABVU and very cruel to your child. You shouldn’t have put in this situation in the first place; you shouldn’t have bought him dressed.

This is a situation of your own making and you are setting him up for bullying just because “boys can wear dresses too”. Enter the real world and protect your son.

@PegPeople

All of this is exactly what has been going through my mind. Nothing will change if we don't start letting clothes be clothes.

But he doesn't want to wear them because they are clothes he likes. The issue seems to be he wants to wear a dress to school because his big sis does that and he wants to be like her. If she wore trousers surely it wouldn't even be a question and he would want to wear trousers.

It's fine to see clothes as clothes but surely the answer is to approach this from the practical point of view that trousers are actually the most practical choice of clothing not that they are what he wears because he is boy.

It is exactly because they are clothes he likes.

Just let him be who he wants to be at home, wear what he wants to wear.

But for school, no, tell him this is the required uniform and when he is in school it is what he has to wear. It's hard enough when they start school to forge friendships and find their way in, don't make it even harder for him. And of course it won't impact the rest of his life, its just a phase, next year he'll be into something totally different. When my son was little he liked to carry a hand bags and put dummies, or stones or something in it and he liked to wear beads and bracelets. I never had a problem with it but my then DH didn't like it (you should have seen his face when I bought him a toy kitchen and hoover) but at 19 I can assure you he doesn't wear beads now, although he does wear a bracelet and carry a man bag!

At 4 no, he wears trousers to school and whatever he likes at home As someone else said don't respond to every whim