To let him wear dresses

[AllHallowsEve14]

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

You're doing a great job btw proving consistency etc. But wanker ex’s can really have a detrimental impact.

I do wonder where all these boys wearing dresses that PPs keep talking about are.

I have a couple of teens who have been through different nurseries and 7 schools between them. I have never once encountered a boy in a dress in any setting, either school or club. Not a dressing up outfit, not a leisure dress either a school uniform skirt. We are in SE.

Regarding " he likes what he likes"....you do realise he will be one of 30 kids?

It is really sad to realise that all negative comments have come from adults, not children

Maybe because adults have witnessed first hand how cruel children can be to each other? Nobody wants your son to be bullied for wearing dresses to school. Four year olds are vulnerable and rely on adults to make decisions that could impact them drastically. Sounds like your ex is worried he’ll be laughed at or bullied, which could affect him long term?

Perhaps in the future there won’t be a separate male/female school uniform but we’re not there yet. Sure there’s been progression with hair styles and boys wearing pink and sequins. But dresses are far from mainstream on little boys.

As for people in the park, I doubt anyone would say anything, wouldn’t they just assume he’s a girl? Would that offend you too, if they assumed he’s a girl because of his dress and tights?

You claim all his child cousins don’t question his clothes. How do you know they don’t ask their parents why he dresses like a girl sometimes? How do you know they don’t laugh behind his/your back? Kids tend to laugh at things that are unusual or unexpected. Parents may be nice to your face but it doesn’t mean they support your choices, people are conditioned to be polite!

It’s possible all the adults and children in your family think it’s lovely you let him wear dresses. But equally possible they secretly feel you’re doing him a disservice by letting him ‘challenge’ gender norms at such a young age.

Who is it hurting?

Your son. he isn't old enough to understand the implications long term. We don't live in an ideal world where everyone accepts everything about people.

What the fuck is wrong with you all?
Absolutely nothing. I'd love to live in a world where boys can wear dresses as the norm. People saying don't let him wear that to school are just being realistic and many, like me, have seen first hand the devastation bullying and teasing can cause. In alot of children it doesn't build character and make them tough, it devastates them.

As for outside of school I will continue to let him dress however he pleases.

Perfect, and so you should. Just like alot of people do, although to be honest there are times you have to put your foot down.

So if you and your children see us out and about or in a park come to me and say the things you've been saying on here to my face.
Why on earth would poeple give a crap if they see your son in a dress at the park? Totally different to sending him to school in a school dress.

It is really sad to realise that all negative comments have come from adults, not children.
Well yes, you are on an adult forum. However, you can guarantee the comments will come directly from children when he wears a dress to school.

My nieces and nephews, my friends children, of all ages, haven't had anything bad to say. They've asked questions and then got on with their day because IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Of course it doesn't matter. And course they aren't going to say anything to your face, they are children. I bet at least one or too have laughed behind his back though. Unfortunately thats the world we live in.

At end of the day you do what you think is right as a parent. But don't hang your 4yo out as a target for school bullies just to prove your point about how the world should work.

It’s not about proving a point, OP was clear that it’s about being consistent in the messaging she gives to her DS, and the values by which she is raising him. Who’s to say what’s more damaging to a child? Certainly when my 3/4 yo DS was pointing at twirly dresses in H&M and wanting them for himself, I struggled with finding the words to tell him why I wouldn’t buy it. I believe OP wanted a discussion about how to have such exchanges sensitively, rather than a load of criticism and reinforcement of society’s messaging, which we all know is there anyway - it doesn’t need repeating on MN!

I probably wouldn’t either if I’m honest. My Ds used to like wearing dresses pre school, but stopped as he got a bit older.

His school doesn’t allow boys to wear skirts at the moment, although I imagine they’d have to if anyone challenged it.

He did ask me for one of dds old dresses recently but I’d given it away. Felt a bit guilty but I thought he’d developed a different style now (he’s 7 so obviously they change all the time!)

It depends how strongly the child feels I guess - only you and his dad can judge that.

I don't really know what the question/problem is here?

You said that your ex has said no to your son wear the school uniform dress and skirt to school. You then also said that you will not be buying him the school uniform skirt and dress for school. You have also said that it's a pity that clothes are so gendered, especially for boys, when they are much less so for girls.

People are largely agreeing with you here. It IS a pity that society is so rigid about this, but it's also not kind to expose a 4 year old boy to being teased for something that he lacks the capacity to think through. And you... agree.

It's an interesting conversation in general, and there are many views here, but they're all broadly similar, so why are you pissed off?

Have you discussed it with the school? My Daughter wants to wear trousers to school and it's been discussed with the governor's body for over a year now without a decision.

I agreed quite early on in this thread that the bullying side of things was enough for me to say no to dresses.

I think what had upset me was the comments along the lines of how stupid I am to even consider it, how ridiculous boys look in girls clothes, how I'm forcing him to wear dresses, it's child abuse, and I think someone even asked if I'd considered therapy for my children.

I suppose in asking about this I was hoping for a general view and I certainly got that! I just thought things were changing but we're clearly not there yet.

@Scrunchy95 I haven't discussed it with the school, I don't need to now but maybe in the future. I hope your daughter gets her answer ASAP.

Don’t know what the issue is, we see boys going to school in dresses and men wearing dresses in Asda and down the pub all the time. No one will even notice

@Ikeasucks

Don’t know what the issue is, we see boys going to school in dresses and men wearing dresses in Asda and down the pub all the time. No one will even notice

Do you? That's not really usual in most places though. I've never seen a boy wear dresses/skirts at school, and only seen men wearing dresses on a handful of ocassions.

It would be a definite no from me. He is far too young to decide for himself, and no matter how politically correct it might be nowadays, the plain fact is that the other children will stare at him, make comments and laugh at him. He will be bullied, and as others have said, he may well be mortified in his later years that you allowed him to 'be himself.' People have long memories and you surely don't want to set him up for all the teasing he will get.
You are the parent, you just say 'no '