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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 16/04/2021 08:57

I think we know we have full equality between the sexed when boys can wear dresses to school (or men to work) without it being talked about.

Spoi · 16/04/2021 08:57

Letting him go in a dress is setting him up for bullying and teasing. He doesn't realise this but you do

Sorry I agree with this. It's unfortunate but children are cruel. It's miserable being bullied, I wouldn't want to subject my child to that. He doesn't understand but you do.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 08:57

This is a shit situation to be in. My ds doesn't want to be a girl, he just wears whatever he wants to. Today he is dressed head to toe in spiderman gear, yesterday he wore a bright pink dress and tights! He gets the odd comment at parks etc from kids but it hasn't stopped him. I'm mostly worried about the older kids on the playground as children his age have no issues (he wears "girls" clothes to nursery sometimes)

Having said all that, I don't want him to be a target. I haven't made a big deal out of it, we spoke about them (DTs) starting school in September and my older DD wears dresses so he wanted the same. I will tell him that the uniform is trousers or shorts, but he can wear whatever he wants out of school.

It's a shame that clothes are so gendered and that people are so bothered by what others wear.

OP posts:
mamal29 · 16/04/2021 08:59

@AllHallowsEve14

This is a shit situation to be in. My ds doesn't want to be a girl, he just wears whatever he wants to. Today he is dressed head to toe in spiderman gear, yesterday he wore a bright pink dress and tights! He gets the odd comment at parks etc from kids but it hasn't stopped him. I'm mostly worried about the older kids on the playground as children his age have no issues (he wears "girls" clothes to nursery sometimes)

Having said all that, I don't want him to be a target. I haven't made a big deal out of it, we spoke about them (DTs) starting school in September and my older DD wears dresses so he wanted the same. I will tell him that the uniform is trousers or shorts, but he can wear whatever he wants out of school.

It's a shame that clothes are so gendered and that people are so bothered by what others wear.

Can you explain to him, dresses and skirts are usually for girls and therefore other children might not be very kind?

Sometimes I think we're too quick to wrap them in cotton wool.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/04/2021 08:59

i would insist that both my sons and daughters wear trousers to school, they are much more practical. They don't get a choice at that age.

BigusBumus · 16/04/2021 09:03

What's wrong with just saying no to children nowadays?!?

Embracingthechaos · 16/04/2021 09:04

@BigusBumus

What's wrong with just saying no to children nowadays?!?
Montessori outlawed it Grin
Abraxan · 16/04/2021 09:05

It depends on your school and it's catchment partly I'd say.

We've had a couple of girls and a boy go through our infant school who have worn clothes normally worn by the opposite sex, as well as their hair cuts, interests and toys, etc,

The other kids didn't really care and it was never an issue at our school. I've no idea if it was at the juniors or secondary, or even if they stopped doing it after a while.

A handful of more traditional parents comments on the boy initially but genuinely the kids weren't bothered and the children were accepted happily into the groups.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 09:06

@BigusBumus

What's wrong with just saying no to children nowadays?!?
Well, what's wrong with boys wearing dresses?
OP posts:
BluebellCockleshell123 · 16/04/2021 09:08

I had a similar issue with my son who’s favourite colour was pink and wanted a pink school bag for starting school.

Although I really don’t see a problem with it at all, I did realise that he would be bullied and suggested we got a different one to start school but would get him a pink one if he still wanted one after Christmas.

He didn’t.

In your position, I’d suggest something similar to your child.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 09:09

@BluebellCockleshell123

I had a similar issue with my son who’s favourite colour was pink and wanted a pink school bag for starting school.

Although I really don’t see a problem with it at all, I did realise that he would be bullied and suggested we got a different one to start school but would get him a pink one if he still wanted one after Christmas.

He didn’t.

In your position, I’d suggest something similar to your child.

Thank you, that's what I will be doing.
OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 16/04/2021 09:09

I'd send him in the boys uniform. Hes 4, would you let him have chocolate for breakfast if he wanted ? Would u let him wear your high heels to school if he wanted ? If not then why should you pander to everything he wants. I'm all for letting children Express themselves but honestly I think if you start out at this age with him wearing a girls uniform then what next ? He wants to be called a girls name? Not being rude but when I was 4 I wanted to be a sheep..my mum wouldnt let me eat grass and go to school wearing a woolly coat though! He is a boy and so should wear the boys uniform I think, although that view is probably not a popular one.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 09:10

he just wears whatever he wants to. Today he is dressed head to toe in spiderman gear, yesterday he wore a bright pink dress and tights!

neither are suitable for school Hmm

If the school system doesn't suit your sensibilities and you want your child to "express themselves" by wearing ridiculous and inappropriate outfits, you don't have to send him to school at all!

But if you do decide to benefit from the "free" education system, you accept whatever uniform has been decided for that school.

You can't campaign for uniform to be changed of course, but until it's done you go with what is agreed. How hard can it be.

Dontcallmewifey · 16/04/2021 09:10

I think you need to be careful about letting adult ideas of 'expressing yourself' be applied to four year olds. Lots of kids have clothes they like. They are just clothing preferences. My son loves his hulk shirt and wears it every day. Its not really an expression of his inner self. Just clothes he likes. So your son will not be 'inhibiting' his inner self if he wears trousers to school.

Your son is too young to understand the possible implications of his rocking up to school in a dress, in terms of the reactions from his class mates. So I would send him in trousers. When he is old enough to understand the possible reactions he will get and to decide
that he wants to wear a dress anyway, that would be the time to support him to do so.

Unless you know the culture of the school and parents and that it is a super accepting one where children are allowed to dress how they please and no-one cares (unlikely to be the case if it is a school with a uniform as uniforms are all about conforming).

PegPeople · 16/04/2021 09:10

Well, what's wrong with boys wearing dresses?

Nothing at all and he will still be able to wear them at home and when dressing up when he is playing at school.

However surely you can acknowledge that for 4 year old trousers are a more practical option. It would honestly make life so much easier if all children in reception wore trousers.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 09:10

Montessori outlawed it grin

I feel so sorry for teachers who are lumped with kids like that, I really am!

Soontobe60 · 16/04/2021 09:13

A child starting school in reception will be assumed by other children to be a sex dependent on what they wear. So if a 4 yr old wears a dress or skirt, others will see them as a girl. Very quickly that child will start to think they might really be a girl if others see them as that.
OP, if his sister is wearing dresses / skirts for school, this may be why he wants to wear them. Having taught in reception, I know that his classmates won’t really bat an eyelid. Reception children dress up in whatever’s there, no gender stereotyping there - although quite often girls who don’t have Frozen dresses at home always bagsie them in school 🤣. Reception classes tend to be isolated from other classes with a separate area. Once he goes into KS2, things would be very different. He would still have to use boys toilets as he is a boy, and will get teased a great deal. As others have said, schools can deal with the bullying but the feelings he will have if he is a victim of it doesn’t go away just because the bully has been punished.

Dontcallmewifey · 16/04/2021 09:14

What's wrong with just saying no to children nowadays?!?

Montessori outlawed it grin

I took my son briefly to a Montessori playgroup and a Montessori nursery and it was ALL about saying 'no' to children. No you cant' run, no you can't play with it that way, you have to use it this way. I took him out really quickly.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 09:15

@wesowereonabreak

he just wears whatever he wants to. Today he is dressed head to toe in spiderman gear, yesterday he wore a bright pink dress and tights!

neither are suitable for school Hmm

If the school system doesn't suit your sensibilities and you want your child to "express themselves" by wearing ridiculous and inappropriate outfits, you don't have to send him to school at all!

But if you do decide to benefit from the "free" education system, you accept whatever uniform has been decided for that school.

You can't campaign for uniform to be changed of course, but until it's done you go with what is agreed. How hard can it be.

The school uniform includes trousers, dresses, skirts and shorts. They aren't listed in boys and girls categories.
OP posts:
Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 09:15

This isn't about us breaking school rules.

OP posts:
Spoi · 16/04/2021 09:15

Well, what's wrong with boys wearing dresses?

There's nothing wrong with it. But it doesn't change the fact that children can be very unkind and this is something I imagine a lot of them would pick up on.

I'd love to live in a world where everyone, children included, were just completely accepting of everyone else, but we don't and therefore I wouldn't be happy leaving my child open to bullying like this personally.

I also agree with PP that if this is a phase and he finds in a year or whatever that he no longer wants to wear dresses to school, this has the potential to follow him round for years as 'the boy who wore a dress to school'.

It's not good, and it's sad that we have to think like this but it doesn't mean it's not true.

gelatodipistacchio · 16/04/2021 09:20

I agree with @tentimesaday

Tal45 · 16/04/2021 09:20

He's just copying his sister if you ask me which is perfectly natural, it's not some deep inner expression of his true self that is going to be stifled if he doesn't get to wear a dress because of the repressed masses. If he had an older brother he'd want to wear what they were wearing. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem telling him he can't wear a spiderman outfit so what's the difference? It's only you making it an issue IMO.

TheGumption · 16/04/2021 09:22

It's really not a shit situation to be in. That's very dramatic. It needn't be a "situation".
You either say no and he wears trousers or you allow him to wear what he wants but you make that decision fully aware of the effects it might have on your child.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 09:23

I understand the consequences, and I know my ds doesn't, therefore he will be wearing "boys" clothes to school. It hasn't been a huge issue or anything, just something that came up and I thought why not? The reality is he will stand out and not in a good way, it's a shame but I'm not going to use my son to make a point. That's what I wanted from this thread, the opinions of others to help decide. It helps to have other views and to be reminded of what school is actually like!

Also, want to point out that I don't force him to wear dresses as some have suggested.

OP posts:
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