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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 16/04/2021 08:07

How did he figure out that he likes wearing dresses btw?

SummerHouse · 16/04/2021 08:08

Rightly or wrongly, there is a boys uniform and a girls uniform. I would say no. I would happily send DC in whatever they wanted on dress up days including a dress.

Lindy2 · 16/04/2021 08:10

I would say no.

To him they are just clothes- which is absolutely fine. However, he doesn't understand that a dress will be seen as different and would be unexpected. He won't be prepared for the comments or the reactions he is likely to get.

At age 4 to suddenly find yourself an unexpected centre of attention (whether right or wrong) when you're also going through the major adjustment of starting school would be really unfair on him and potentially very stressful for him.

I guess he hasn't worn a uniform for anything yet so isn't aware that it means wearing the same as everyone else. How does he even know there is a boy and girl uniform? Surely you just give him the standard trousers and top and say these will be your school clothes. If you give any 4 year old a choice of clothes you are going to naturally go for a pretty varied, unconventional selection. Mine would have chosen pyjamas, welly boots and a cowboy hat as their school uniform of choice.

The decision to wear a dress in public or not can be taken when he is older and when he actually understands what that decision is.

Silverfly · 16/04/2021 08:11

You might find he changes his mind anyway before September OP. My DS loved wearing dresses aged 3/4, but not by the time he started school.

RolloTomassi · 16/04/2021 08:12

Absolutely not. He's 4, just put him in the boys uniform, I'm sure he'll thank you later.

EileenGC · 16/04/2021 08:12

Being bullied is horrendous and can have terrible long term affects.

I hate saying it, but as someone who was bullied at school for what I was wearing, I have to agree with this.

And that was with ‘completely normal’ clothes (other factors at play meant that was the main thing I was picked on). I hope by the time my kids are old enough for school I’ll feel braver but I’m not really sure.

Isaidnope · 16/04/2021 08:14

My DD was picked on in reception for having a Spider-Man water bottle. She absolutely loved superheroes at the time, Spider-Man being her favourite hence the bottle and someone asked her why she was trying to be a boy which upset her. Kids are honestly ruthless creatures, even from a very young age and I agree with your DH- you don’t want to give them any reason to be mean.

Playing dress up at home is ok, school not so much.

lemonsyellow · 16/04/2021 08:16

I’d say no.

CatalinaCasesolver · 16/04/2021 08:16

There's a little boy who wears dresses at my child's nursery. It's never been an issue at all with any of the children or parents. How ridiculous to say he should only wear 'male' gendered clothes!

HeeeeeyBogie · 16/04/2021 08:16

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion the alternative is to teach little boys and girls that they must adhere to sex based stereotypes or be forced down a medical pathway for the rest of their life. I know which I'd choose.

Marguerite2000 · 16/04/2021 08:16

One of my boys was gender nonconforming, our rule was only boys clothes outside the house.
Firstly he might get bullied, secondly he might get pressurised into identifying as being trans, instead of just a little boy who likes dresses.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/04/2021 08:16

There's a particularly vicious quality to the surface of school playgrounds which is able to shred knees with the lightest of falls that makes it ridiculous to send any 4yo to school in shorts, dresses or skirts.

RonSwansonsChair · 16/04/2021 08:16

No, I wouldn't.

CatalinaCasesolver · 16/04/2021 08:17

Just seen you're asking about school, that depends on the schools uniform rules tbh.

Deadringer · 16/04/2021 08:18

I wouldn't, not until he has settled in at least. As adults we understand social conventions but your little boy doesn't, perhaps it's silly that boys generally don't/ can't wear dresses, but that is how it is in the real world and personally i think it's unfair for you to allow him choose a dress for school knowing he might get bullied/laughed at. When my dc were small they had a very narrow choice of what to wear for school, it had to be something practical and comfortable, and as a pp said trousers are generally more practical than dresses.

Thatwentbadly · 16/04/2021 08:18

I wouldn’t tell my DD wear dresses and tights for the first couple of weeks as they tricky at toilet time especially if they leave it to the last night or aren’t used to waiting.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 16/04/2021 08:19

@Angrypregnantlady

Let him be himself and let the parents of the bullies sort out their nastiness.

We shouldn't hide who we are to avoid bullies.

Teach him to have a thick skin and be confident in himself.

God I hate when people say this.

It's true parents of the bullies should sort it out but we all know that rarely happens.

Chances are he will get bullied because of it. Its shit, but kids can be cruel and in a school its not just his class peers, who will likely not be too concerned with what he wears, he is with. At break times, assembly's, lunchtimes etc he will be in contact with up to 10-11 year olds.

notsorighteousthesedays · 16/04/2021 08:20

Most schools in my area (NE) have a no skirts/dresses policy for early years - the uniform for ALL children is joggers/sweat pants, polo shirt and sweatshirt - hopefully you're just overthinking it!

JackieWeaverFever · 16/04/2021 08:20

@Sstrongtn

He’s 4, you wouldn’t let him go to school in his home clothes or a Spider-Man suit? I’d just say no, this is the uniform.
I agree with this. I had to wear a tie in primary school as a girl. I did not like it at all but it was uniform.

You arent doing him a kindness by letting/facilitating him wearing a dress

FourTeaFallOut · 16/04/2021 08:21

And, fwiw, 10 years ago this would be a non issue. Boys who like dresses would wear a dress and people would think, look - there goes a kid who likes dresses and whose parents are keen to wave their super cool conspicuous parent flag - and everyone would carry on as normal, but now you'd have people asking about pronouns and how pink their brain is.

Cowbells · 16/04/2021 08:22

A friend's son did this for years. It was fine. DS1 wore uniform to school but fairy dresses at home. A few people from church had a word with me that it might make him gay Grin but that just helped me work out who I didn't want to hang out with.

PegPeople · 16/04/2021 08:22

@notsorighteousthesedays

Most schools in my area (NE) have a no skirts/dresses policy for early years - the uniform for ALL children is joggers/sweat pants, polo shirt and sweatshirt - hopefully you're just overthinking it!
As someone who has spent many years as an early years teacher this is such a sensible idea. I wish more schools would adopt a similar policy.
Lifeaintalwaysempty · 16/04/2021 08:24

The uniform is the uniform let him wear whatever he wants in his own time. At his age he definitely does not understand the significance of what he is asking as you as the parent need to put the boundaries in here. As PP have said at this age children think there is a chance they can wear fancy dress, pyjamas or like my child, all your clothes inside out and back to front, to school.

KoalaOok · 16/04/2021 08:25

@FourTeaFallOut

There's a particularly vicious quality to the surface of school playgrounds which is able to shred knees with the lightest of falls that makes it ridiculous to send any 4yo to school in shorts, dresses or skirts.
This is a very good point.
Silverfly · 16/04/2021 08:25

10 years ago this would be a non issue - not sure I agree with this. I have a 15yo DS and I'm pretty sure he would have been laughed at for going to school in a dress. The trans issue wasn't around yet, but that certainly didn't mean that there was no such thing as "boys stuff" and "girls stuff".