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Original poster

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MarcelinesMa · 16/04/2021 08:25

I can see it from both points of view, yours and your ex’s. You both want what’s best for your boy just in different ways. I would talk to the school first: is it ok for your son to wear dresses if he wants to? It should be in theory as long as the dresses conform to the uniform. I would get him both options, “boys” uniform and “girls” uniform if you do let him wear the dresses. If he does though prepare him for the fact other people, adults and children, can be mean and while you can tell them off for that they rarely change their ways and their words and actions still hurt.

Dogscanteatonions · 16/04/2021 08:27

I wouldn't let him no. Apart from anything trousers are so much more practical. At 4 he won't have any concept of the potential bullying as it's not something that's touched his life so far. As a pp mentioned - is entirely possible that he'll be 'the boy who wore a dress' for years after the fact.

Yes I know it's wrong, I know it shouldn't matter but I wouldn't expose my child to the risk of potential bullying

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 16/04/2021 08:28

Have you asked why he likes dresses?
My younger DD liked dresses as she hates waistbands. Unfortunately she had to start school in the 'boys' uniform of shorts and t-shirt as I couldn't get small enough dresses. On the plus side, it was definitely more practical.

Bagamoyo1 · 16/04/2021 08:29

No way, absolutely not! OP do you remember what school was like? Most of us spend the whole time hoping our kids aren’t bullied. You’d effectively be sending your son in with a big sign on his head saying “bully me”. Kids are brutal. My DS had to relinquish his beloved Thomas the Tank Engine swimming bag because it was uncool in reception!

Currysauceandchips · 16/04/2021 08:29

No!! I work in a school and there is no way I would let him wear a dress. He will be laughed at and probably have no friends as a result. Children are cruel. Do not subject him to that- there could be long term issues.

Unsure33 · 16/04/2021 08:30

Any comments back OP ?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2021 08:31

There is so much gender stereotyping in school these days, especially with stonewall champion schools. Some well meaning person may sew a seed in your ds’s head that he thinks he’s a girl. I would be very careful. And then there’s the bullying aspect. All in all, I would gently steer your ds to boy’s uniform.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2021 08:32

My own ds can wear what he likes at home/weekends, but our approach is that at school he needs to wear the outfit that is best suited to running around at playtime and that is legs covered with trousers. Helps avoid knee grazes.

My dd was told the same. Now she is older she wears skirts/skorts as she doesn't run round at break time anymore.

By the time ds gets to that age, we will revisit.

MeltsAway · 16/04/2021 08:33

I don't think you're unreasonable, and we should just let children be children, but ...

As well as bullying from other children, you and your son will be at risk of "woke" do-gooders telling your son that he is probably "really" a girl.

This is ideologically-inflected nonsense, but it can become quite serious. Parents can have schools and SS intervene and forcibly 'transition' a child. It's pretty insidious at the moment, unfortunately.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 08:34

you are being ridiculous and you know it.

It's telling that mums of girls forever moan that dresses are less suitable than shorts and trousers for kids and girls should be allowed to wear trousers (which most schools allow thankfully)

but some random try to be clever by forcing a boy in a dress Hmm

dottiedaisee · 16/04/2021 08:35

I would say no purely from a bullying point of view . Tell him that dressing up is for home time .

CatherineMorland · 16/04/2021 08:36

Do you pander to every whim of your DS?

C152 · 16/04/2021 08:42

There was a boy in my infants class who used to wear skirts sometimes. The kids thought nothing of it, and he never got teased for it, but my mother remembers some of the parents being bitchy and mean.

Despite the above, I'm afraid I agree with your ex. Let your son wear what he wants outside of school, but I wouldn't send him into school in a dress or skirt. He will be bullied, whether it's open or not.

Embracingthechaos · 16/04/2021 08:44

I would say no. If he were a lot older (e.g. secondary school) then I'd leave the decision entirely with him, but not at age 4.

Abetes · 16/04/2021 08:45

I would say no. Let him wear what he wants outside school but send him to school in shorts or trousers

pheasantsinlove · 16/04/2021 08:48

It amazes me that a few weeks ago a poster got flamed for being upset that colleagues bought boys clothes for her girl baby because 'there are no such things as boys clothes', and yet quite clearly from this thread that argument doesn't sit when the other way round.

Speak to the school OP, if they're ok with it (which they should be or they should change their dress code to no dresses/skirts) then let him . If the other kids are mean he'll either decide to wear trousers to school in future or he won't care and will continue to wear what he wants 🤷‍♀️

My friends 4 year old is always in his older sisters fancy dress princess dresses just because he likes them. In every other way he is a very stereotypical rough and tumble boy. No one bats an eyelid when he's wandering around dressed as Cinderella as it's clearly just a kid choosing to put something on

Shelby2010 · 16/04/2021 08:50

I’m not sure why you consulted with a 4yr old about what they would wear to school in 5 months time. Just buy shorts/trousers & don’t bring up the discussion again.

If, after a couple of terms at school, he asks to wear dresses you can re-visit it, but I bet he won’t.

Also, although dresses might be more comfortable to wear, tights are a major PIA with small children.

Pleasure · 16/04/2021 08:50

I wouldn't make a big thing of it op and just have him wear the boys uniform. My DS hated school uniform (he still does) but it's tough, he has to wear it.
As others have said, if your son wanted to wear a costume to school you wouldn't let him - it won't do any harm to say no to him when it comes to school uniform.

81Byerley · 16/04/2021 08:51

I have a 5 year old Grandson who wears dresses sometimes, but he's home educated. I don't know if home ed parents and children are more liberal and accepting, but he doesn't have any problems with other children when they meet up for their outdoor activities. In your son's case, I'd probably just say "Boys don't usually wear dresses to school, so you can wear your trousers for a few weeks, and then see how you feel. You can get changed after school"

DrBlackbird · 16/04/2021 08:52

Is this a real thread? It's so hard to tell these days...

Lulu1919 · 16/04/2021 08:53

Sorry no
The boys uniform is so this is what you need to wear darling
Let's try some different trousers / shorts and see which you feel most comfortable in .

At four he's too young to cope with the questions that will be asked ...also the school may not allow it .
It can be something you can re visit IF he really can't cope with the uniform

LemonRoses · 16/04/2021 08:53

Definitely not. He’s a little boy and should be supported to understand that he is a little boy. Play clothes at home fine, forcing a child to be different because they’re too young to understand social norms, not fine.

firstimemamma · 16/04/2021 08:54

I wouldn't let him wear a skirt to school but would let him wear them outside of school so a happy compromise.

It's not just the children you need to think of, it's the staff too. Your son really won't enjoy being mistaken for a girl constantly by teachers and TAs who don't know him e.g another teacher in assembly "Timmy, stop touching the shoulders of that little girl sat in front of you".

He's 4 and while he should obviously be given freedom to express himself, he sometimes doesn't always know what's best for him and he's too young to understand what could go wrong with his idea.

skirk64 · 16/04/2021 08:55

No way would I allow it. Four is to young to be confident about your gender and understand your sexuality. People will say you shouldn't let bullies stop you being who you want to be, but that's not living in the real world. In the real world, bullies will target every "weakness" or "difference" they can find. If he wears a skirt or dress to school now, it will haunt him for the rest of his schooldays, even if in a couple of years he realises it was a mistake. Literally the only way to get away from the bullying will be to move to a completely new area and start afresh - there will be no other option.

I'm not arguing this is right or wrong, I'm just saying it is the reality. At four, is he really old enough to decide to be a martyr?

The other point I'd make is that school is all about doing things you dislike. That's one of the main points, it teaches you that in life you can't do what you want, where you want (or wear what you want).

mamal29 · 16/04/2021 08:56

@Doggitydog

Personally I would say no, my DS used to try on his sisters fancy dress when he was little. I think he would actually be mortified now if I’d let him go out and about or into school dressed as a princess. It is fine to say no to your children, it won’t scar him for life.
Agreed. Exact same here.

Definitely say no. He is 4, he doesn't get to say what he wears to school at this age. It's a different story when he's a teenager.

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