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Original poster

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 21:39

@randomer

Do many kids wear dresses in September in the Uk?
Girls of course, but even the DM hasn't managed to boys down.

Rebellion on is limited to the tightness of trousers and questionable hair cuts.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 21:39

*to track boys down.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/04/2021 21:40

Honestly? I get the principle that its telling kids that "boys can't wear dresses" that can lead to issues.

However... children just don't always make good decisions. I got picked on for fashion choices at school. I got my hair cut short, more than once, insisted on it and my mum complied. I regretted every time but my mum failed to see that underlying it I was seeking attention from peers but just going about it the wrong way. Sometimes we need parents to help us interpret why we want to do some things, to help us consider the outcome of a choice and whether it's what we really want. I really wish my mum had forbidden me getting the awful short hair cuts. I never lived it down.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/04/2021 21:54

The thing about kids clothing is as an adult you don't have to say yes to everything - you are in charge and there's an extent to which you need to impose boundaries on his clothing choices, regardless of the gender issues or what have you.

Because actually, most of time, things like tutus or sparkly dresses or spiderman outfits are actually not practical clothing. They are dressing up clothes - those types of things are poorly made in thin fabric, they arent suitable for playing in the park or going to preschool or cold weather. Children do need to learn the difference between fancy dress/dressing up, when you can wear silly/fun things and where there's often a proto dramatic element involving role play or performance, and every day clothes.

I know 3 parents who claim their boys like to wear dresses. In all 3 cases the reality is the parents are letting the child wear what I would term dressing up clothes 90% of the time. Their sons aren't choosing a boden breton stripe tunic dress and plain tights over joggers and a teeshirt. It just happens that many of the fun outfits available for dressing up are stereotypically girly.

I guess my long winded view is that by school age children should be distinguishing between dress up for pretend play etc and normal practical clothing.... I think some boys who apparently want to wear dresses it starts as actually wanting to play wearing dressing up clothes more than is practical and things like girls party outfits are often more like dressing up clothes than boys, and sometimes we have to say no. Just as I wont let my daughter wear a princess dress every day.

Ijustreallywantacat · 16/04/2021 23:28

However... children just don't always make good decisions. I got picked on for fashion choices at school. I got my hair cut short, more than once, insisted on it and my mum complied. I regretted every time but my mum failed to see that underlying it I was seeking attention from peers but just going about it the wrong way. Sometimes we need parents to help us interpret why we want to do some things, to help us consider the outcome of a choice and whether it's what wereallywant. I really wish my mum had forbidden me getting the awful short hair cuts. I never lived it down.

Sorry I think this is ridiculous. A short hair cut isn't getting a tattoo on your face. Why on earth should your mum tell you no? You think parents should ban their children from making crap fashion choices??

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 17/04/2021 08:47

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland my son isn't wearing dressing up outfits. I know the difference between the two things. He likes joggers and jumpers as much as he likes dresses over tights, and I'm ok with that.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 17/04/2021 09:00

I wouldn't let 4 yo do it in this situation. It would have been different if he absolutely refused to wear boys clothes and felt comfortable only in dresses. Explain to him that is the school rule. He can wear whatever he wants outside of the school if you are happy with that

Wowwe · 17/04/2021 09:00

No I wouldn’t allow that. At 4 years old they hardly know what they want. My son is 3 and asks to dress as Spider-Man everyday but he has to wear a uniform for preschool and tell him that’s the rules. School probably wouldn’t allow it because straight away it’s going to cause problems with other children saying stuff, and it’s not about them being bullies it’s because they are 4 years old and quite simply don’t have a filter yet!

Notagain20 · 17/04/2021 09:03

I wouldn't let him wear a dress at that age, because of the reality of bullying etc. He's too young to be making any kind of informed decision about smashing gender stereotypes, poor lad. Of course ultimately it's just clothes and in an ideal world it wouldn't matter and kids wouldn't pick on him and laugh at him. If as he gets older and learns about the world he can make a choice to defy social norms and I'm sure you will support him beautifully, but he's too young to know what he's taking on yet.

I'd explain to him aabout uniforms, how even grown ups can't usually wear their favourite clothes for work. But we can all wear our favourite clothes at home or when we're with the people who love us the most. No shaming, no making dresses bad or to be embarrassed about, but clear.

Then as he gets older you can keep talking about it and he will have more autonomy to weigh up what he wants to do,if he still likes feminine styles.

HikeForward · 17/04/2021 09:05

Personally I’d say dresses/skirts at home only. He’s only 4 and may not realise the impact of this, or how vicious peers could be at school, if he decides to wear girls uniform.

School may not be as supportive as you think either, considering his age.

I’d tell him to stick with the boys uniform for now, and re-assess in a few years. You don’t want him to be known as the boy who once wore dresses in reception (even if he only wears them for a week) it could affect his reputation for the rest of his school life.

randomer · 17/04/2021 09:32

School clothes and home clothes.

As for him having 'thoughts around' the current clothing choices,how bloody stupid.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2021 09:36

It would be a no from me for the time being. I'd say to him once he has done a year at school, if he then wants to wear dresses to school then he can.

LemonRoses · 17/04/2021 09:39

Where are all these little children who are encouraged to make up their own rules and do as they want all the while?
I don’t think they live near us. Children I know are guided by parents and have rules and limits set. That includes dressing in school uniform for school, according to their sex. Dressing up is for home and playtime.

cupoftea2021 · 17/04/2021 09:43

No
Having seen what a bully can subject a child to I would stay within the norms of the uniform
You can wear whatever you like at home but trying to cater to every whim is setting up this generation to expect everything they want, life is not like that.

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2021 09:45

Shorts could be a good alternative for time being.

Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 17/04/2021 09:59

I'm so shocked by these posts. Who is it hurting? I've stated many time now in this thread that he WILL NOT be wearing a dress to school, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because other people don't like it. What the fuck is wrong with you all? As for outside of school I will continue to let him dress however he pleases. So if you and your children see us out and about or in a park come to me and say the things you've been saying on here to my face.

It is really sad to realise that all negative comments have come from adults, not children. My nieces and nephews, my friends children, of all ages, haven't had anything bad to say. They've asked questions and then got on with their day because IT DOESN'T MATTER.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 17/04/2021 10:07

I don't think this kind of parenting is good for children. Sinek's video on entitled millennials and how they've been poorly parented is a good point re this.

MeadowHay · 17/04/2021 10:17

@AllHallowsEve14

I'm so shocked by these posts. Who is it hurting? I've stated many time now in this thread that he WILL NOT be wearing a dress to school, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because other people don't like it. What the fuck is wrong with you all? As for outside of school I will continue to let him dress however he pleases. So if you and your children see us out and about or in a park come to me and say the things you've been saying on here to my face.

It is really sad to realise that all negative comments have come from adults, not children. My nieces and nephews, my friends children, of all ages, haven't had anything bad to say. They've asked questions and then got on with their day because IT DOESN'T MATTER.

The first cohort of responses said don't it because he will be bullied, the second cohort of responses showed WHY he would be at risk of bullying - because of people bringing their own kids up with these intolerant views. Very sad thread. Honestly OP I'd ignore and if you do want more thoughtful responses I'd start again in Feminist chat or Feminism support. Your little boy sounds great and I'm sure he will be pleased when he's older that you didn't limit his choices and impose gender stereotypes on him. Best of luck.
Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 17/04/2021 10:18

Ffs. Seriously. My daughter is absolutely fine to wear a combination of dresses and skirts, as well as riding a skateboard in vans and skater "boys" tops, but I have to tell my son he can't wear anything other than trousers?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllHallowsEve14 · 17/04/2021 10:23

@MeadowHay thank you. I think I need to stop reading the responses and replying, that this one tiny part of our otherwise ordinary family has people accusing me of child abuse is crazy.

Thanks again for all the measured replies that helped me make a decision that was best for my son.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/04/2021 10:29

"I don't think this kind of parenting is good for children. Sinek's video on entitled millennials and how they've been poorly parented is a good point re this."

It's an item of clothing that is appropriate for the situation and within the uniform policy. I don't think a boy wearing a dress is a parenting philosophy, and I don't think it will make him 'entitled'. Other than teaching him when he is older he is 'entitled' to wear clothes that are within the boundaries of his works uniform policy etc.

There is a man at my work who wears a dress / skirt suit. Would you tell him he was entitled and a product of poor parenting?

Notagain20 · 17/04/2021 11:06

[quote AllHallowsEve14]@MeadowHay thank you. I think I need to stop reading the responses and replying, that this one tiny part of our otherwise ordinary family has people accusing me of child abuse is crazy.

Thanks again for all the measured replies that helped me make a decision that was best for my son.[/quote]
I think you've made a good decision and I was glad to have an opportunity to think through the issues your question brought up. I think your son is a lucky lad to have a mum who is looking at it from a range of perspectives.

RickySpanishhh · 17/04/2021 23:00

Fgs he probably only wears dresses to keep you happy

OwlBeThere · 18/04/2021 00:35

@RickySpanishhh Hmm

RachelRavenRoth · 18/04/2021 08:23

Op, have you considered some sort of play therapy for your children, as their little lives sound so unsettled. Could you speak to your GP?

Have you had any help with dealing with your ex?