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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/04/2021 18:40

I can understand people not wanting their kid to become a target for bullies. Fair enough.

But saying no because its 'not appropriate'...a PP asked why it's not appropriate for a 5 year old boy but its appropriate for a 5 year old girl. And no one has given a sensible answer, just that its 'socially acceptable'. But why should it be? It was once not socially acceptable for girls and women to wear trousers. Do we look back at the women who said 'fuck it' and wore them anyway, paving the way for other women to wear them, as being 'inappropriate and socially unacceptable'? Again I am not saying that we should use our children to break the boundaries. But maybe we should think about why children have those fixed ideas, and this thread has shown that parents have really rigid thinking about what clothes are 'right' and 'wrong' purely based on gender. Clothes in my opinion especially for children should not be gendered.

And as for 'pandering to a child' and 'since when do children get to choose etc' most schools have an element of choice in their uniform eg socks vs tights, or jumper vs cardigan. Does everyone choose every aspect just because children shouldn't have a choice?

If the uniform policy states that girls and boys can wear any of the elements of the uniform and your daughter wanted to wear trousers even though most if not all of the other girls wear skirts or dresses, would you tell her no because girls wear skirts and you're the parent and you don't want people to call her a 'boy'.

Judging people for being 'that child' or 'that parent' over letting a child wear a legitimate item of uniform that they are happy in, is horrible in my opinion

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2021 18:40

The sheer amount of bollocks in this thread.
A dress is perfectly acceptable school attire, if it’s acceptable for a girl, then it’s acceptable for a boy. I can’t believe that in 2021 people are saying that clothing should be gendered so rigidly. The kids don’t care, until the parents make a comment. It’s that simple, children don’t give a shit.

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2021 18:41

@DrinkFeckArseBrick absolutely agree with every word!

TiredSloth · 16/04/2021 18:47

This is so true! I think this attitude that children should have free reign over so many aspects of their lives has a direct correlation to there being so many self entitled young adults.

How have you come up this conclusion?

randomer · 16/04/2021 18:47

What had sexuality a 4 year old got in common? Er,nothing.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 16/04/2021 18:49

It's child abuse to deny and try to change your child gender and the one s/he was born with.

What the fuck are you talking about?! Shes talking about letting her son wear a dress, not forcing him to undergo sex reassignment surgery. He isn't trans. This isn't a trans thread. Child abuse ffs. Go and have a lie down then re read your post and try to see how crazy you sound.

This thread. Dear God. My blood pressure.

OP if I were you I'd just hide the entire bloody thread and either use your best judgement or start over in feminist chat where you won't get such stupid replies. Fears about bullying are sensible. Claims that you're trying to force him to be a girl, that he's going to start using the girls loo, that you're abusive, that we should ban all children from wearing dresses to prevent boys wearing them, that him wanting to wear a dress is the same as him wanting to go to school in pyjamas, fancy dress, a swimming costume etc are just crazy. I expected you were going to get a negative response but I've been checking in on this thread all day and each time I look its reached a new level of insanity.

Just put the whole thread in the bin and pretend you never read it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/04/2021 18:50

"I can't stand these parents who push their kids towards all this gender nonsense to prove a point. It's child abuse to deny and try to change your child gender and the one s/he was born with."

Wtf it's a piece of clothing. Wearing an item of clothing does not mean you want to change gender. I am wearing jeans and jumper, doesnt mean I want to be Male.

cookiecreampie · 16/04/2021 18:54

@OwlBeThere

The sheer amount of bollocks in this thread. A dress is perfectly acceptable school attire, if it’s acceptable for a girl, then it’s acceptable for a boy. I can’t believe that in 2021 people are saying that clothing should be gendered so rigidly. The kids don’t care, until the parents make a comment. It’s that simple, children don’t give a shit.
Children do give a shit unfortunately. They aren't stupid and will notice something that's different or stands out. You really can't see that a boy wearing a dress will cause him to stand out amongst his peers? I think the danger is that he's likely to be labelled and once that happens it's hard to remove it.
Brieminewine · 16/04/2021 18:57

@TiredSloth

This is so true! I think this attitude that children should have free reign over so many aspects of their lives has a direct correlation to there being so many self entitled young adults.

How have you come up this conclusion?

Personal opinion, in my experience kids that have no boundaries and no discipline grow into adults that think they can act and do whatever they want because they never heard the word no as a child.
OwlBeThere · 16/04/2021 19:04

@cookiecreampie they ONLY start to care when the rest of society tells them they should care. If you bring kids up that clothing is just clothing, BECAUSE IT IS, then they won’t care. My child is nonbinary and has always worn a mix of trousers and skirts. The kids that care always come from the parents who sniff at anything vaguely outside of their narrow view of ‘normal’. My child lives their life as THEY feel happy. The views of small minded people are those people’s problem.

midnightstar66 · 16/04/2021 19:04

The sheer amount of bollocks in this thread.
A dress is perfectly acceptable school attire, if it’s acceptable for a girl, then it’s acceptable for a boy. I can’t believe that in 2021 people are saying that clothing should be gendered so rigidly. The kids don’t care, until the parents make a comment. It’s that simple, children don’t give a shit.

Did your DS go to school in a dress? Whilst the idea is a nice one it's not the reality. I work in school with 4 and 5 year olds and honestly they do give a shit and would absolutely notice a boy wearing a dress

tillytoodles1 · 16/04/2021 19:18

Sorry, but I think kids as young as 4/5 will laugh at "a boy dressed as a a girl", whatever you may think. If your son wants to wear a dress, then let him, but be prepared for him to be mocked. Blame whoever you like for this, but it will he noticed and commented on.

randomer · 16/04/2021 19:23

I dimly recall now a little playmate who identified as a Gorilla and another who thought she was a Very Rich Lady.However did they survive?

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 19:26

Give the kids credit, they are more than old enough to laugh at a boy in dress.

Why would you push your own kids to be bullied? A child is not naturally drawn to dress, he is only wearing them because he has them and his parents pretending it was an appropriate choice.

Poor kids.

MeadowHay · 16/04/2021 19:27

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

It's child abuse to deny and try to change your child gender and the one s/he was born with.

What the fuck are you talking about?! Shes talking about letting her son wear a dress, not forcing him to undergo sex reassignment surgery. He isn't trans. This isn't a trans thread. Child abuse ffs. Go and have a lie down then re read your post and try to see how crazy you sound.

This thread. Dear God. My blood pressure.

OP if I were you I'd just hide the entire bloody thread and either use your best judgement or start over in feminist chat where you won't get such stupid replies. Fears about bullying are sensible. Claims that you're trying to force him to be a girl, that he's going to start using the girls loo, that you're abusive, that we should ban all children from wearing dresses to prevent boys wearing them, that him wanting to wear a dress is the same as him wanting to go to school in pyjamas, fancy dress, a swimming costume etc are just crazy. I expected you were going to get a negative response but I've been checking in on this thread all day and each time I look its reached a new level of insanity.

Just put the whole thread in the bin and pretend you never read it.

I agree with this post 100 per cent. This thread has been eye opening.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/04/2021 19:34

@OwlBeThere

The sheer amount of bollocks in this thread. A dress is perfectly acceptable school attire, if it’s acceptable for a girl, then it’s acceptable for a boy. I can’t believe that in 2021 people are saying that clothing should be gendered so rigidly. The kids don’t care, until the parents make a comment. It’s that simple, children don’t give a shit.
Unfortunately that's bollocks.
Abraxan · 16/04/2021 19:35

@tillytoodles1

Sorry, but I think kids as young as 4/5 will laugh at "a boy dressed as a a girl", whatever you may think. If your son wants to wear a dress, then let him, but be prepared for him to be mocked. Blame whoever you like for this, but it will he noticed and commented on.
That's not actually my real life experience of working in an infant school with children who have dressed as the opposite sex, one of them every day.

It was the odd parent who was bothered by it. The children couldnt care less.

timeforanewnameagain · 16/04/2021 19:47

I have found the girls/boys things comes very quickly once they've started school. I've got two girls, they've always worn whatever colours, they have all sorts of toys (my youngest's favourite is her car garage) etc. I've not raised them gender neutral or any of that woke bollocks but I really don't care if they gravitate towards more feminine or masculine things. They're children they can play with what they like.

However. Eldest is now in reception. She has a mix of pinafores and trousers for school and she now flatly refuses the trousers over dresses. There is much more pink and sparkly in her life than ever before. Unicorn and rainbows and flowers. She was never into dolls before, now she can't get enough. She asked me for a pretend make up kit for her birthday. She is girly girly girly. Plus they now distinctly play more with their sex groups rather than all just mucking in together.

Peer influence is huge and however you raise them they will be affected by it. Whether that's a good or bad thing at this age, who knows!

I wouldn't let a little boy go to school in a skirt. He won't thank you for it later when he's been picked on. Kids are mean.

Twinkie01 · 16/04/2021 20:04

I don't see an issue with letting him wear what he wants at 4 but he may hate you for it when he's a six foot 14 year old who still gets the shit ripped out of him for being the boy in the dress.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/04/2021 20:23

OP, I think the only way you can know how things will work out is by letting your DS wear a dress. I would speak to the school first and see what they have to say, then if they are happy for him to W ear a dress then let him.

Children and maybe parents will think it odd and may treat your DS differently because of this but you won’t know until you do this.

I admit I would initially find it strange to see a little boy in a dress but then I would shrug my shoulders and not really think about it.

randomer · 16/04/2021 20:40

Do many kids wear dresses in September in the Uk?

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2021 21:08

@midnightstar66 did your ds go to school in a dress

Yes. Before they identified as nonbinary, and since. Did anyone care in primary? No. Not til they were about 8 or so and they started understanding their parents talking about it. And then there were a few issues, not many. High school has been more problematic, but most of the kids don’t care, they are more interested in their own issues, and my child has a thick skin and isn’t bothered about the opinions of the few who’s witty insults are as imaginative as ‘gay’ and ‘f**t’.

OwlBeThere · 16/04/2021 21:09

@Abraxan that is also my experience.

Feetupteashot · 16/04/2021 21:24

OP do you think you dress unconventionally?

YoBeaches · 16/04/2021 21:32

Personally I think children surprise us every day and there is often much we can learn from them. I'd be inclined to speak to the school and share his wishes - ask their view on bullying or identifying bullying. You might find they've e been here before, and you might find he wears a dress and no-one cares.

If we don't try and change it, it won't change. And it's less about teaching that clothing has a 'sex based label'and more about teaching that there are much bigger things in the world to occupy young minds than what you wear - so wear what you like - it's an expression of your taste and personality nothing else.

I know it's evangelistic, but we have to start normalising the simple non impacting things in order to focus on the impacting issues around sex and gender.

Wholly appreciate you don't want to use him to make a point. Does he understand that some people might find it strange and why? Does he have thoughts around how he feels about that?