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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep helping or walk away?

164 replies

Garlia · 15/04/2021 08:13

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 15/04/2021 08:15

Why can't your DH help her?

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2021 08:15

Is SIL going to step forward then? Personally I wouldn't abandon her especially as she has just inherited something and her daughter is suddenly interested i woukd be concerned she was only going to "protect" her inheritance

PotteringAlong · 15/04/2021 08:17

Yes, why can your DH only offer moral support?

NormanStangerson · 15/04/2021 08:17

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support)

Why is this?

bonfireheart · 15/04/2021 08:21

The sister doesn't sound like she cared before or is even a nice person.
Does the inherited property have tenants? Could MIL sell it, so less admin and she has money to keep for an emergency?

Sleepingdogs12 · 15/04/2021 08:21

Very tricky situation but you have a relationship with your MIL and it is up to her who she gets support from. I would push your husband to step up and share the responsibility with you .

Original poster
Garlia · 15/04/2021 08:22

DH also has the same difficulties (although socially is vastly better than his Mum) and is dyslexic, unable to use a computer and information can overwhelm him very easily.

I've always assumed/suspect autism with DH, likewise with MIL so I'm very understanding and patient with them both.

DH is incredibly practical and intelligent, very morally supportive and kind, but just not able to take on phone calls, emails or anything like that.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 15/04/2021 08:23

SIL can’t dictate to you, you carry on.

user1493413286 · 15/04/2021 08:24

Is your sil going to step in and help instead? She doesn’t have any rights to tell you what to do but if she’s going to help instead then fine.
If not then your DH needs to help if it’s getting too much for you; you can’t just leave her to drown in it all and if you do then at some point you’ll have to sort out whatever mess has been made anyway which will be far worse.

Original poster
Garlia · 15/04/2021 08:25

@Theunamedcat

Is SIL going to step forward then? Personally I wouldn't abandon her especially as she has just inherited something and her daughter is suddenly interested i woukd be concerned she was only going to "protect" her inheritance
No SIL says she is too busy to help and MIL should just sort herself out.
OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 15/04/2021 08:27

Why can't she afford the bills if she's inherited "a big sum of money".?

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/04/2021 08:27

I wouldn’t listen to the sil at all. Do whatever feels right to you.

PotteringAlong · 15/04/2021 08:27

You know she’s going to end up living with you, don’t you, and you’re essentially going to have to deal with MiL, your DH and any children you might have?

Angrypregnantlady · 15/04/2021 08:27

Carry on. It's an awful lot on your shoulders but SIL doesn't get to tell you what to do and it sounds like MIL does really need you. I do think you need to advise a little too. She's inherited a property she can't afford. She needs to sell it.

Diesse · 15/04/2021 08:28

I feel a bit for your MIL. I hope SIL isn’t motivated by MILs recent windfall...

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/04/2021 08:28

I think it sounds like you need to get some power of attorney, whatever the living version is, so that everything is absolutely 100% above board to prevent SIL kicking off (no guarantee she won't but at least if you have legal responsibility then you can keep doing what you're doing). You sound like you've been doing above and beyond for your MIL and it should be her wishes that are respected at this point.

PotteringAlong · 15/04/2021 08:28

But, what did MiL do before you came along? Was she completely looked after by her DH?

MarcelinesMa · 15/04/2021 08:30

If your SIL isn’t willing to take on the role you’re currently doing I would continue as you are (unless you don’t want to at all anymore which I can understand). If SIL doesn’t like it I’d have no trouble telling her where to go.

Original poster
Garlia · 15/04/2021 08:32

@Wingedharpy

Why can't she afford the bills if she's inherited "a big sum of money".?
You're absolutely right, I should have said, once this runs out (I've estimated 22ish months at current costs). MIL also loves buying jewellery, she's never been in debt but will spend anything 'spare' (her money, her choice) so this may be less time if she buys more.
OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2021 08:32

Unless your MiL is lacking mental capacity to the extent that she doesnt even realise what she is saying (in which case she shouldn't be living by herself) then why would you listen to SiL, over MiL who has actually asked you to help? She doesn't speak for your MiL in any kind of legal capacity does she? Do you think she has MiLs best interests at heart?
I would try and keep some records of how you're helping in case she accuses you of anything later but as long as you are not influencing anything in your favour and are instead helping MiL practically then that's fine

Thisbastardcomputer · 15/04/2021 08:33

Please keep helping her, it's outrageous her daughter is refusing

Hoppinggreen · 15/04/2021 08:33

SIL can do it herself or F off frankly.
You say DH can’t help and you know his limitations but are you sure there is nothing more he can do?
And get POA while mil is still well enough

JM10 · 15/04/2021 08:33

Your sil sounds very uncaring and I'd not listen to her. You are lovely to give your mil this support and I'd carry on. I would probably advise her to sell the property though.

stairgates · 15/04/2021 08:34

MIL has asked yo to keep helping so if you dont mind helping then keep doing it.

Shelby2010 · 15/04/2021 08:34

Ignore SIL. None of her business.
In fact I’d go further & see if MIL wants to sign a Power of Attorney to give you a more legal footing to help her.

It sounds like selling the property & investing the money might be easier to manage. Or if MIL doesn’t live nearby, you might want to think about long term plans as she gets older eg a bungalow nearer to you. Depends how old MIL is.