To keep helping or walk away?

[Garlia]

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

The hospital appointment thing is reason enough to never do anything like that for her again.

She knows full well she screwed up, and is lying to save face. And covering that with a sweet old lady act.

Carry on doing what you are doing, just cut off contact with SIL.

Again I really appreciate the replies, I've read and re-read and had a bit of time to think things through.

I do want my life back, I don't blame SIL for wanting to stay clear and if her daughter is comfortable with that, then I shouldn't feel any guilt stepping back. I mean, I still feel bloody awful but it would feel worse to carry on and regret it later.

I've spent a few hours with MILs paperwork (she gives her mail to me to organise) and I've written down all outgoings/accounts and log-ins so it's really clear.

I've asked DH to visit her, on his own, to explain I'm job hunting and have other responsibilities and can't do the running around anymore.

I've written down phone numbers for a local (to her) recommended solicitor firm, her LA Social Services, Age Concern and Citizens Advice and given them to DH and explained I don't feel comfortable helping anymore, that I'm worried about being the target of negative accusations and I need to protect myself too.

DH was very quiet, so I went for a walk, but when I came back he apologised and was worried I was going to leave him. I said as long as he really hears what I'm saying, that I'm not being a carer for his Mum with no support from anyone, then we are fine. But he has to field the phone calls and direct her to SIL or the help I've listed when there's something else to fix.

I'm exhausted but feeling like I'm not drowning for the first time in a long, long time.

OP, there's something else. If there isn't neurodiversity in this family then they're just selfish with no mitigating circumstances. If there is neurodiversity, it can be genetic.

This whole family is leaning on you. Even if you get them to stop that and start taking complete responsibility for themselves, I think it's unlikely to go further than that.

So what happens if, as an ordinary new mum of a healthy baby, you need someone to lean on? And what if your DC is disabled, possibly severely, with the same or worse difficulties the rest of the family seems to have? Who's going to support you, the DC's mum, then?

If your DH is distressed at being a dad to a disabled child and things not turning out how you'd planned, who does he lean on when he can't lean on you? Because you're needing support yourself in those circumstances. And as 'default parent' when the other withdraws, you'd be doing it all for DC and still trying to run the family, because mum's don't get to opt out. What then?

Good for you, OP. But I’m not delighted by your husband’s response. Since when does deciding to stop acting as his mother’s unpaid and unappreciated PA equate to leaving him??? It sounds as if he thinks that being married to him involves shouldering such huge responsibility as part of the package, therefore if you’ve stopped helping her, he thinks helping him is next for the chop.

And absolutely to what @AmberItsACertainty said.

Hi OP I think it's great you are pulling back and that you've told your partner. Tbh what has happened to you is what happens as parents get elderly; a bit of voluntary happy-to-help here and there, gradually becomes all-consuming and unmanageable. It's hard enough when it's your own parent.
However in your case; it's not your own parent, plus it's preventing you working in paid work (??? for how long?) and also it's affecting you starting a family of your own!

You husband needs to either step up or find a way that his mum can manage her fairly considerable assets and income. Or even you both step back. This is an option you know.

How old are you all? I get the feeling MIL isn't all that old.

@TheFourOhFour

Good for you, OP. But I’m not delighted by your husband’s response. Since when does deciding to stop acting as his mother’s unpaid and unappreciated PA equate to leaving him??? It sounds as if he thinks that being married to him involves shouldering such huge responsibility as part of the package, therefore if you’ve stopped helping her, he thinks helping him is next for the chop.

I've been wondering what the first real comment he made was, when OP said she was stepping back.

Was it this, OP, about whether you're leaving him? If it was I find it so telling. If he thinks you'd leave him over it then he surely knows he's been taking the piss. Also, if this was his first comment, it's a comment about him. His first comment should have been about you, if all this was accidental circumstances that crept up on you both. His first comment should have been about you, to ask are you ok, what can he do to ease your burden etc. And a genuine apology. Not a 'I've been caught out so I'd better apologize' kind of apology. We weren't there OP only you know what was said and where his focus was, but think on it.

@timeisnotaline - I think perhaps we had to apply to a court for the POA, thinking about it, so perhaps my great aunt was not considered to have capacity? She was very frail, although quite sharp really. The solicitor didn’t call anyone, iirc she was surprised and disappointed by the outcome.

[quote autumnboys]@timeisnotaline - I think perhaps we had to apply to a court for the POA, thinking about it, so perhaps my great aunt was not considered to have capacity? She was very frail, although quite sharp really. The solicitor didn’t call anyone, iirc she was surprised and disappointed by the outcome.[/quote]

When you apply for POA, the form asks for details of one or two people who can verify that the attorneys are 'kosher.'

These people receive a letter from government asking if they believe all to be OK with the POA appointment.

My mum is similar OP. My mum has not been diagnosed with anything but, she likes an easy life. She would have me working as her full time admin/PA given the chance. What did your mil do before you came along and offered to run around after her? I'm wondering if that's why her daughter is saying to just step back perhaps because she knows her mum better than you and knows what she's like.

If she was that mentally incapacitated, why hasn't anything else been put in place for her before you came along? How did she manage? Does your DH have a job? I'm wondering how he manages if he can't use computers or read or write properly or speak on the phone to people. You sound like you have your work cut out as a carer for your husband already OP without his mother as well.

My advice is to put some kind of care assistance in place perhaps contact Age UK for advice and then step back. She can rent out the property if she wants to keep hold of it and hand management over to Estate Agents if she wants to keep it, although with you saying she's not capable of paying a bill, I'm not sure how she'll deal with that. It's better to sell as others have said.

I think he's so used to me absorbing stress and just coping, that me saying I'm stepping back has been a shock for him and his mind leapt to this being a pre curser for leaving him. He is very insecure about his limitations and he recognises similarities with him and his mum.

I have, often, thought about 'what if' I did (miraculously) have DC and they inherited the same neurodiversity that I suspect in the family, and I fully realise I would be the one to shoulder the responsibility.

I don't know what the answer is there.

MIL called me 20 mins ago, I handed it to DH to answer; they only spoke for a few minutes, he said I was out and next time phone his mobile as I'm busy. That's new!

I agree with this.

OP, I am so delighted that after years of this you have finally chosen to think of yourself.

Upon hearing your husband mentioned you leaving it immediately struck me as the the words of a guilty man caught out.

A man who absolutely knows that he has been taken the piss for years and is grappling with how you cottoning on may affect HIM.

I just don't believe him and his sister or so obtuse.
They know well what you have been doing.

I feel really sorry for you because your lovely giving nature has been totally exploited.

However, you have told him what for now.
Stick to it.
You will have to be very ruthless because I don't trust your husband not to try and rope you in.

If he can't cope or MIL MIL can't cope, then Assisted Living is what her children should organise.

Get on with looking after yourself, resting up and finding a job.

Be alert to protecting yourself.
Keep posting.

the worst thing is she now remembers it incorrectly, she tells people I was late and that's why she missed it

She is not misremembering OP, she is either blaming you for her mistake or keeping you on the backfoot so You will "try harder" to do more for her. Given your DH response I think this family know exactly how much you do for them and are happy so long as they are not having to do anything. Step way back and leave them to it, take care of yourself and good luck with the job hunting.

Good.

You need to revert to a casual DIL/MIL relationship.
Not one of PA/carer.

You need to be very busy over the next few weeks.
Ruthlessly so.
So your husband really gets it.
Maybe he will tell his sister she needs to pitch in.
Either way, it is no longer YOUR problem.

You need to absolutely stick to the story that you are not doing anything more regarding her finances and private banking.

You are NOT her daughter.
You are NOT going to put yourself in harms way by helping. End of.

Your SIL started this, which is perfect as it is the exit you needed.

Tell him you will NOT be moved from this.
You can tell him that you have gotten advice and that SIL has indeed pointed out how vulnerable you were.

You could throw in that you are grateful that SIL pointed out that you should butt out, because that is exactly what you intend to do.

Her intervention has shown you just how vulnerable you were to accusations of wrong doing.

That will no longer be an issue as you wil NO longer be involved.

I honestly believe you will be so relieved.

Your MIL is not half as nice as you think she is.
The hospital lie was deeply unpleasant and unnecessary considering what you do for her.

Expect her to be ringing you constantly and NOT accepting the new status quo.

Expect dramatics and tears.
So brace yourself.

Keep repeating to her.
"You have two children to help you.
SIL said I should butt not interfere and that is EXACTLY what I am going to do.
Call SIL/husband...I am busy trying to return to work".

Write it down.
Have it near the phone and repeat it on a loop.

I think you have been played for the past few years.
You have a path to escape.

Do not allow tears and histrionics from ANYONE drag you back in.

Keep posting.

Thanks again @billy1966

I will keep my mind and eyes open with DH; saying about his behaviour and not his words has stuck with me. As long as he shows his support and backs me up then I won't hold anything against him; I do think it's been my fault 'happily' taking on more and more and not voicing my stress, I may have had good intentions not to stress him but it's definitely not a good place to be.

Also, just like you mentioned your CF neighbour would be happy to inconvenience your DH rather than any of her family, I think there's an element of that with MIL that I was blind to before. I need to channel your wisdom!

I would tell the SIL to do one!

If you're going to upset someone no matter what you do - make it the one that clearly couldn't give a monkeys.

Good on you and your DH for all you do, and don't let someone poison it.

I'm so pleased for you.
That is the value of MN.
I have learned so much about subjects that I never came across in my life.

Wisdom and experience are generally hard won!
I was in my late 40's when the neighbour thing happened.
10 years earlier, pre children I might have had a word with my husband.🙄

Funnily enough I can tell you my lovely husband would have no more entertained it even then, being busy enough himself.

Men do not get sucked in easily.
There is a lesson there.🤔

I hope you feel lighter in yourself in the coming weeks.
Wishing you the very best.

Totally agree with what billy1968 says especially
“ Expect her to be ringing you constantly and NOT accepting the new status quo.
Expect dramatics and tears.
So brace yourself.
Keep repeating to her.
"You have two children to help you.
SIL said I should butt not interfere and that is EXACTLY what I am going to do.
Call SIL/husband...I am busy trying to return to work".
Write it down.
Have it near the phone and repeat it on a loop.
I think you have been played for the past few years.
You have a path to escape.
Do not allow tears and histrionics from ANYONE drag you back in.”

When I first put in a boundary with someone close to me, they wouldn’t accept it and tried everything to get me to go back on it. There were a lot of tears and histrionics, so much “how can you do this to me?” So much emotion. It went on and on, the person made themselves ill with it for months.... eventually they realised I wasn’t going to back down and they did finally give up. I used a broken record technique like billy1968 suggests. Just state your chosen response and keep repeating it. Don’t be drawn into conversation as you will be manipulated.
I am so very very glad I stuck to my guns. This way I have a life of my own and don’t have to sacrifice myself for others. It’s not easy to change the habits of a lifetime but so worth the effort.

MIL has tried my mobile again this morning (it was on silent, I was asleep).

DH was very clear yesterday she should call his mobile, so either she has forgotten or deliberately ignored this.

She left a long voicemail, she's been shopping in charity shops and says she bought bargains and could I put them on the Internet to sell at a profit for her, this must have been why she called yesterday.

Will get DH to phone her back; I'm planning my first Sunday in years totally MIL-free.

Well done OP.

DH or SiL can sort all that out.

Enjoy your MiL free Sunday and future.

@Garlia

MIL has tried my mobile again this morning (it was on silent, I was asleep).

DH was very clear yesterday she should call his mobile, so either she has forgotten or deliberately ignored this.

She left a long voicemail, she's been shopping in charity shops and says she bought bargains and could I put them on the Internet to sell at a profit for her, this must have been why she called yesterday.

Will get DH to phone her back; I'm planning my first Sunday in years totally MIL-free.

So now it’s not even something crucial she needs help with, like medical appointments, she’s literally making up completely unnecessary work for you? She really lacks a theory of mind where you are concerned, OP, doesn’t she?

She called you before 8am on a Sunday morning? Asking you to put a load of stuff she’s just bought on eBay? She didn’t forget what your dh said, she’s just trying it on.

I wouldn’t even get dh to call her back about it, just ignore. If she brings it up with your dh later, he can say you hadn’t checked your voicemails. Make sure he clearly tells her you won’t be putting anything on eBay for her and to not line you up with any more tasks on her behalf. You are busy living your own life. He can tell her outright that it’s not healthy for her to be so reliant on anyone else, she also needs to get busy living her own life too, rather than focussing on you (or another victim).

if her daughter is comfortable with that, then I shouldn't feel any guilt stepping back.

You absolutely shouldn't. And really that could be all SIL was saying. That the answer to your problem was to stop doing all the stuff for your MIL. That is, of course, not the answer to your MIL's problem, but your SIL has already made it clear she's not up for solving that one and is just saying that you should do likewise if it's causing you problems. And it really is if you've put off IVF so you can run around for her - emergencies/medical care is one thing, but shit like selling her bargains on e-bay is hugely taking the piss and shows just how much she'll push if you don't put your foot down. Well done for doing so and keep it up.

I’m giving you permission to block her number, OP

I think you need to be very clear indeed - with yourself in the first instance - about what you are and aren’t prepared to help with. Write a list of reasonable tasks.

Personally, I would be going no contact and letting your DH deal with it (I recognise that he also has difficulties but it seems that you have found yourself as carer for both of them). You’ve been sucked into a completely toxic situation/family.