To keep helping or walk away?

[Garlia]

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

OP,

You sound like such a nice woman and I know you don't want to be taken for a mug, but I would say the following.

Talk to your husband and speel out EXACTLY how much effort you have put in with his mother on top of doing it at home.

Spell out to him you want absolute support from him or you will bail faster than he can imagine possible.

Tell him you will NOT tolerate being second guessed by his sister who is completely unwilling to assist in any way.

Get a quote for how much these management services will cost.

They were eye watering when my neighbours daughter did it a few years ago because she was an only child living abroad.

You have given up so much of your time and your MIL has no idea of the amount of time involved.

Average it out by week and give her the figure.
Tell her she has two choices, POA and sell the house, or do it herself and ask her children to help.

I mean this kindly, but you are NOT her child and I would be damned if I would do all that is involved if I could not make unilateral decisions to ease the burden on yourself.

Once you get sucked into this thankless job, you are a bit stuck.

Also insist any money that you deem to be spent to ease your load WILL be spent.

Have a quote for the equivalent services should be handed to SIL, with a instruction to butt out as she refused to help her own mother.

You could have years and years of tasks, so protect YOURSELF as much as you protect your MIL.

Not sure why your SIL has an opinion on this when she is not around. Sorry to say but I think you need to take charge and get that inherited property sold and have the money put in you MIL account for her to use and be comfortable with. Also get POA.

*your

@billy1966

OP,

You sound like such a nice woman and I know you don't want to be taken for a mug, but I would say the following.

Talk to your husband and speel out EXACTLY how much effort you have put in with his mother on top of doing it at home.

Spell out to him you want absolute support from him or you will bail faster than he can imagine possible.

Tell him you will NOT tolerate being second guessed by his sister who is completely unwilling to assist in any way.

Get a quote for how much these management services will cost.

They were eye watering when my neighbours daughter did it a few years ago because she was an only child living abroad.

You have given up so much of your time and your MIL has no idea of the amount of time involved.

Average it out by week and give her the figure.
Tell her she has two choices, POA and sell the house, or do it herself and ask her children to help.

I mean this kindly, but you are NOT her child and I would be damned if I would do all that is involved if I could not make unilateral decisions to ease the burden on yourself.

Once you get sucked into this thankless job, you are a bit stuck.

Also insist any money that you deem to be spent to ease your load WILL be spent.

Have a quote for the equivalent services should be handed to SIL, with a instruction to butt out as she refused to help her own mother.

You could have years and years of tasks, so protect YOURSELF as much as you protect your MIL.

Your advice has helped hugely, I realised I do have to toughen up and protect myself too.

I spoke with DH and explained how I feel, and he said he supports me 100%.

He called his sister to give her another chance asking if we could meet up/chat and she made excuses that she was far too busy and as long as 'someone' sorts MIL out, she doesn't care who now (but doesn't want it to be her, fair enough).

After that, MIL and I had a gentle chat and I explained I will need POA but MIL was uncomfortable and said SIL wouldn't like that. I said no problem at all we don't have to do it, but then that means everything she needs help with, she will have to ask a solicitor to do.

She immediately changed her mind and has agreed to POA, but is still adament the house is to be kept. I think DH could persuade her to sell, though.

I don't want to 'push' MIL into POA, I know I have her best interests at heart but also I know once I am POA I will be responsible for helping forevermore.

But the reality is I either struggle to help without it, or get POA and live with the feeling I've strong-armed her into it and wait for the fireworks when SIL finds out.

It really is all thankless and I've gone so far down the rabbit hole without realising I was even below ground!

You are very kind hearted, and your MIL is lucky to have you.

But there are alarm bells ringing for me - it's all very well SIL saying she's not interested now, but at the point where you are trying to persuade someone to sell a house, and to run their finances for them, you are opening yourself up to accusations of financial misconduct or coercement. Be very, very careful, and log everything. Especially once you get the POA.

@Kaptain

You are very kind hearted, and your MIL is lucky to have you.

But there are alarm bells ringing for me - it's all very well SIL saying she's not interested now, but at the point where you are trying to persuade someone to sell a house, and to run their finances for them, you are opening yourself up to accusations of financial misconduct or coercement. Be very, very careful, and log everything. Especially once you get the POA.

I'm definitely worried about potential repercussions/accusations; I've only ever carried out MILs wishes as I know she's entitled to her choices (even if unwise) and it's so tough when SIL doesn't want to work together to help :(

I think if we were all on the same page then we could steer MIL without stress and that would be the best thing for her.

I worry SIL would say I had coerced MIL into POA.

Financially every transaction I've done for her is logged, every penny accounted for; full transparency.

she sounds like she could have ADHD. In any case. If you are happy to help and that is what your MIL wants than why shouldn't you. Perhaps it makes your SIL feel guilty.

@user1490814754

she sounds like she could have ADHD. In any case. If you are happy to help and that is what your MIL wants than why shouldn't you. Perhaps it makes your SIL feel guilty.

Can I ask what makes you think ADHD? I admit I don't know much at all about ADHD, I've always assumed autism perhaps but of course this isn't based on expert advice/professional assessment!

Any knowledge that helps me communicate with her better is much appreciated.

You step back and let DH and SIL do everything for their mother.

There’s a long running thread on the Elderly Parents board about a poster who’s ended up being responsible for her MiL.

It’s a very different set circumstances: the OP’s wife died last year and they had her elderly MIL living with them and now the OP has finally found a care home for her to move to.
However, there are some similarities in the stress this has caused, the guilt, the fact the the MIL’s children won’t/can’t help.

If your DH can’t deal with admin stuff please tell me that he’s taking the slack in other areas of life that he CAN take over like parenting/housework etc?

When you get POA it should probably be both you and DH that have it, not just you.

Great that you have started the conversation...

But IMO your MIL not agreeing to sell the house is a deal breaker.

Tell her fine, you will hand it over to the solicitor.

I really think she is very conveniently, neither appreciating how much you have been doing for her, AND that her daughter has explicitly stated she is not prepared to help her in any way.

I think you need to spell both out to her.

Being well into my 50's I am of an age where exactly how thankless a job you have been doing is familiar to me through friends and family.

It is a huge task to take on for someone who is NOT your parent.

Is it your intention to also become her carer?
Again a really huge commitment.

I would tell your husband that you will not be getting involved if the house is not to be sold.
End of.

Remember, he has no idea how exhausting this type of work is.

It sounds as if she could blow the fees of a solicitor on jewellery, so she needs it spelt out to her, again, what HER choices are.

I appreciate I sound harsh, but she does not have the luxury of sentimentality when she is unable to do anything for herself except spend money.

The imposition on your time is just too large.

I think you need to step back for her choices to sink in.

If she does change her mind and agree to the POA first, then you sell the house etc....
I think a solicitor's letter informing her daughter what her mother has agreed to, after the POA is in places, based on the fact that she was too busy to help her mother, and her brother was unable to.

Explain to the solicitor that you are determined to protect yourself in this process.

This job you're doing is just more 'wife work' that does get foisted on women.

Men often somehow successfully avoid tasks as enormous as this, especially involving their inlaws.

I think through being a kind person you may have played down to everyone just how big an imposition this is on YOU, on top of everything you do for your own family.

If nothing else, I hope posting here gives you pause for thought for what you are doing, and committing to, particularly as there is so much strife attached to it.
Keep posting.

If the SIL doesn't like something you've helped your MIL with - who is, let's remember, her mother - you will be the person she turns on and/or accuses.

Often it's the more distanced children who do that.

Thank you @billy1966 - I was half expecting a roasting for being interfering.

It has made me see things a bit differently and I know my help isn't acknowledged or appreciated by MIL and as DH can't deal with 'life admin' he doesn't truly appreciate the stress. Once I've fixed one fire, she forgets about it.

MIL feels that SIL does lots to help whereas we can see that's not true. She has always been happier to ask me for help because we don't have children (trying for years) but SIL does (she has a 20 year old son). So she excuses SIL being too busy.

The truth is as a couple we have been through hell the past few years with unexpected house moves, job losses and I've undergone failed surgery and failed IVF. MIL is aware of all that but lacks understanding if she hasn't experienced something herself.

I have had to put job hunting and IVF on hold to support MIL, I keep thinking "I'll just help with X and then get back to my life" and of course over lockdown I couldn't just leave her without support.

Even if there's no practical support needed, she will phone me and want to talk and repeat old stories for a couple of hours which seems to help her stress levels. So it's a daily support really. Maybe I can start handing the phone to DH?

Her heart is so kind though and she can't help how she is, but I don't want to be her carer, or for my life to be on hold much longer.

I've had to make various sacrifices but I'd feel selfish if I didn't so I feel I'm stuck really. But you are right - she can't have everything her way and expect me to support unwise decisions. Your advice is very appreciated

You are doing far too much. She has two children, who are obviously happy for you to do all the running around and emotional work, because you let them!

@Kaptain

You are doing far too much. She has two children, who are obviously happy for you to do all the running around and emotional work, because you let them!

Absolutely, I've let it happen.

@Garlia you are a better person than me and she is very lucky to have you.

But please look after yourself too

@GrumpyHoonMain

I wouldn’t listen to the sil at all. Do whatever feels right to you.

Get power of attorney as well then at least it will be easier to deal with going forward.

Oh OP, ffs!!!

My answer would have been far more strident if I knew the above.

You sound like her carer.
Everyday on the phone.
Her daughter has one 20 year old son..

Give me a bloody break.

You ARE being used.

And your husband is no better.

You poor woman, what a horrendous ordeal you have been through.

It sounds like you have married into a right bunch where you are being used as a bloody skivvy.

You have delayed work to look after her needs.

Not on.

Have you family to visit?
You need to take yourself off for a visit and give that husband of yours some time to do more than say he supports you.

Forget what I've written.

Step back.
Let a solicitor take care of it.
They are ALL lining you up to be her carer.

If you were my daughter or sister I would be so furious to see you taken so advantage of.

Honestly, you are in a shit show, you need to say actually NO, I am going back to work and IVF is MY priority.

You are being used.
Your husband is part of the problem.
He should be listening to his mother for hours, but has conveniently for him, allowed you to take on that burden too, despite all you have been through.

NOT kind.

If you don't start looking after yourself, this is your life.

If you don't stick up for what you want for your future, you are going to sleep walk into a situation that is completely unfair.

You need to look after yourself, no one else is.

No one has your back.

It's disgraceful, and your MIL has strong opinions for someone so helpless.

Funny how people find it so easy to inconvenience those that aren't their blood family so easily.

.

Oh, Op.
What a number they've done on you.
I actually think your sil is in the right here prepares to get flamed
I imagine your sil growing up with these 2 people and it making her life quite difficult?
Sadly some people lean into a victim mentality because it suits their purpose.
I mean this very gently but if you were run over by a bus tomorrow your "d"h and mil would cope. Why? Because they'd have to.
How can you have any respect for your husband who let's you take on the burden of his mother?
I know many people with asd/adhd and they can use a bloody phone.
I forsee your life becoming one of total subservience to these 2 adults who seem to have totally abstained from any responsibilities in their own life.
Good luck.

OP, you are being used and are unappreciated.
You MIL sounds selfish and thoughtless no matter how ‘kind’ you insist she is. She doesn’t sound kind at all.
Politely inform her you’re not up to it and suggest she employ a solicitor.
Don’t be a mug.

Step right back and don't get that POA. You know what lies ahead of you? Resentment. And lots of it. YOU need to put YOURSELF first. This isn't even a blood relative. She is not your mother. You are not her daughter and never will be. You are not her real family. If you and DH split, you will never hear from her again. She is already putting your SIL ahead of you. She already values your SIL over you. She will never love you or appreciate your sacrifices the way a mother does. And what will you get at the end? Inheritance? No. Love? No. Appreciation? No. Accusations of financial mismanagement and undue influence? YES YES YES.

POA or not, I would step right back. You know why she doesn't want to sell that property? Because she wants to leave it to SIL. She wants YOU to do the work and neglect your own finances and job opportunities so she can leave an Inheritance to SIL.

Fuck that. I've seen this happen in my family twice now. Trust me, the mugs who did exactly what you did are now older, poorer and more resentful as a result.

And I agree with the previous poster who said you need to put yourself in SIL's shoes. Why should she neglect her own life for the sake of 2 other adults who seem to have done just fine so far? Imagine the pressure she must have grown up with. She has the right idea.

Funny how people find it so easy to inconvenience those that aren't their blood family so easily.

This really hit home (well, this and everything else you're saying). She never wants to inconvenience SIL or DH but she never seems to mind how long anything takes for me to do or how stressful it is. But I always assume she doesn't understand.

DH does say he wishes he could help but also says I'm so good at getting stuff done right that it's better I do it anyway.

I think if I told him I was stepping back he would understand but be very very stressed himself.

I really appreciate all the replies, thank you. Having some objective opinions and thoughts I think has been much needed, I don't want to continue being a mug if that's what I'm being.

DH does say he wishes he could help but also says I'm so good at getting stuff done right that it's better I do it anyway.

I think if I told him I was stepping back he would understand but be very very stressed himself.

Surely you can see you are being guilt tripped by your own DH? I'm not saying it's calculated but he is manipulating you do it because it is easier for HIM.

You say MIL doesn't understand. Firstly, that's bullshit because if she did, she would have no qualms about asking her precious kids to do it. Secondly, how has she made it this far? You haven't been there to help her her whole life, how has she done it? Maybe she's more capable than she first appears.

What's the worst that could happen? She spends all her money and dies penniless? Is that so bad?

I'm only saying this because I've seen it happen in my family. And it breaks people, it breaks families. I genuinely think you are being very very kind but have completely lost sense of yourself and you can't live this way. It's not fair on you at all.