To keep helping or walk away?

[Garlia]

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

I would keep helping sil can fuck off

I agree with pp’s. Sort out POA ASAP. I can see you may have a lot of work ahead of you but you will sleep a lot easier at night if you know things are done correctly.

And if you walk away now and there are messes to clear up later, it will be you, then, anyway. So you may as well set in place properly what you are already doing and have the authority.

@NormanStangerson

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support)

Why is this?

My first question too.....

To be honest, as both her children seem to not be willing/ able to help I would continue to help. Keep paper trails of everything to avoid any accusations.

Re not being able to afford the property she inherited, she has to sell it if she can't afford it.

If your MIL has mental capacity, she can make Lasting Powers of Attorney, however from your description, it sounds as though she has some learning difficulties.

If she doesn’t have capacity then someone would need to apply for a deputyship order.

Several things to unpack here.

Firstly, has mil always been like this, has it become worse over time or quite quickly? Does she possibly have an undiagnosed learning disabilities, autism or possibly a brain injury, or has she been assessed for a possible longterm illness?

Regardless, it sounds like she will get worse as she gets older, and in this sense your SiL may be right. If you choose to do everything for her, you (and you alone) will become her full time carer. Are you in a position to do this, or even move her in? If not, now is the time to get her needs on record, through the doctors or social services.

Why can't your husband do more? It sounds like he expects the women in his life to take care of his mum whilst he does nothing. Your SiL doesn't want to do it either, but she's painted as a villain here. She's under no obligation to add to your martyrdom and has probably been dreading being dragged into it for a while now. If she doesn't want to be a carer for her mum, then she absolutely shouldn't have to be. It doesn't mean she can dictate what you should be doing, but I can't help but agree that you need to step back. That's the only way to see how little or much your MiL can cope with and of she actually needs further intervention.

@Thisbastardcomputer

Please keep helping her, it's outrageous her daughter is refusing

No its not. Not anymore than her son not helping. It reads like the MiL has always needed some degree of help, I'm sure it must have been very difficult for the SiL over her life. We're not born to take care of our parents. Inadequate social care is another thread though.

Ignore your SIL, why would you not continue to help your vulnerable MIL, if, as you suspect your dh and mil have autism they won't suddenly be able to do things that they couldn't cope with before, guidance and help is what is needed not leaving her to sink or swim on her own.

My kids are autistic, they are adults but I wouldn't leave them to flounder in situations they struggle with.

What you have already done for your mil will have been a massive help please support her.

@bonfireheart

The sister doesn't sound like she cared before or is even a nice person. Does the inherited property have tenants? Could MIL sell it, so less admin and she has money to keep for an emergency?

MIL says she very much wants to keep the property, which is why we wanted a chat with SIL for her ideas/support/help.

MIL can be very sentimental with things (even things like old knackered frying pans she will keep!).

DH would absolutely do more if he could, he hates not being able to do certain things and it's affected his self esteem watching me shoulder it. :(

I genuinely love MIL. I just want her safe, secure and happy.

Your sil has no right to tell you or her mother what to do. If your mil has all her senses, it’s entirely up to her. You should probably look into you or your DH getting power of attorney sooner rather than later.

OP,

Your MIL can do little for herself yet is insisting a property be kept.

I think you need to remove emotions from this.

If you are not careful you will find you 20+ hours a week acting as PA to your MIL's life.

You also carry the load in your marriage.

Your MIL needs to take advice and get rid of the house, liquify her assets.

Unfortunately your MIL does not have the luxury of sentimentality when she can do nothing for herself.

Give you power of attorney, so you can prepare for her future before she blows it.

You could hand her entire estate to be managed by a solicitor and pay thousands for the service.

I think you need to toughen up big time.

Contact Age Action for advice.

I wouldn't be contacting your SIL again.
She has zero interest in helping her MIL.

I also would reiterate that you need POA. You could get it for both you and your DH. I would see a solicitor sooner rather than later. Also if MIL has agency then Sil can't tell you not to help if her mother sants you to continue. If she is refusing to step up to the plate why is she calling the shots.

It sounds like you've been a really lovely DIL, I wouldn't have any contact with SIL again as it doesn't sound like it's going to be in anyway positive. If you feel able then I think you should definitely continue to help, it definitely sounds like ASD particularly if DH is dyslexic as dyslexia, asd, dyspraxia etc are all linked and often overlap.
Is MIL willing to sell the property? This is obviously what needs to happen if she can't afford the bills and I think it would not be wrong to suggest it. She may be very against the idea though - I remember a thread on here not long ago about someone who had an autistic SIL living in a holiday home she couldn't afford but refused to leave. If she is willing though perhaps it's something you could help with, if not I would keep gently going over with her the fact that she can't afford to pay the bills forever and will end up in debt - the repetition of the message might help her come to terms with it and will prevent her from burying her head in the sand. If you haven't raised it already with her it might not even have occurred to her - by all means talk it over with your DH but I don't think you're over stepping any boundaries by going through her options with her and explaining the consequences. There might be backlash from the SIL if she thinks you're interfering but she can fuck off as far as I'm concerned. Your MIL needs help and if no one else can do it then there's nothing wrong in you helping.

You're acting as her carer.

Why would you just unilaterally ditch her without an alternative carer in place, whether paid or unpaid?

I don't understand why you'd even consider that.

I'd absolutely keep helping her, especially if SIL isn't offering to step in. Her needs are greater than SIL's and she hasn't shown any compassion (let alone love).
I'm not sure I understand why you'd put SIL ahead of MIL given the vulnerabilities you've identified.

@billy1966

OP,

Your MIL can do little for herself yet is insisting a property be kept.

I think you need to remove emotions from this.

If you are not careful you will find you 20+ hours a week acting as PA to your MIL's life.

You also carry the load in your marriage.

Your MIL needs to take advice and get rid of the house, liquify her assets.

Unfortunately your MIL does not have the luxury of sentimentality when she can do nothing for herself.

Give you power of attorney, so you can prepare for her future before she blows it.

You could hand her entire estate to be managed by a solicitor and pay thousands for the service.

I think you need to toughen up big time.

Contact Age Action for advice.

I wouldn't be contacting your SIL again.
She has zero interest in helping her MIL.

Thank you. This hit a lot of notes.

Sorry OP, but you can’t change how your vulnerable MIL does everything (eg direct debut not a cheque) then walk away after less than a year. She can’t possibly manage, no wonder she’s upset!

SIL clearly has issues with MiL so won’t help. Disregard her.

Go round with DH and show her how much the bills got inherited house come to, how much her own bills are, and this figure more than her pension. She sells her home or she sells inherited house. Maybe go to inherited house and get lots of good photos and frame them. Alternative would be some sort of equity release scheme, but to me it seems crazy to do that.

You really should get a lasting power of attorney sorted. It’s much better than a joint account in both your names which seems like a fraught way to do it.

Yes everything has been done with an edge of fraught!

It's just been year after year of putting out fires as best I can to help get whatever needs doing done at the time.

I need to have a good think about how to support her now and longer term, I'll ask if she's happy for Power of Attorney.

As per earlier posts having dealt with elderly relatives in a similar position the advice from age concern, and in my case the Alzheimer's society was very good I would google and maybe make calls to both to discuss. A POA is a good idea, and I fully endorse keeping good records. You can see a challenge coming later on down the line from your SIL. As a thought, what about equity release on the property? I am not a massive fan, but it would allow her to retain an interest in the property for her lifetime and to generate cash? Rental income as well either standard or holiday let?

Agree with PP - SIL doesn't get a say. She's not involved, and not willing to be so if your MIL wants to ask for help from you and you are wiling to provide it, then she needs to butt out.

You also need to accept that SIL has no opinions and won't help so don't ask her for them.

I'd also start to move away from just doing what MIL asks. It's clear she doesn't have the capacity to plan ahead or consider the bigger picture so you need to start offering her advice. I'd agree about possibly a POA but at the very least, you need to be clearly explaining the implications of keeping this property. Perhaps highlight all the things she could do if she sold it.

Does MIL not have capacity to attend to her own needs or has she slipped into a mindset of thinking "Garlia will sort this out for me"?
Has she always been like this or is it new'ish behaviour?
Hope did she manage until you came along?

Be very careful of making a mug of yourself here, and being taken for one.

Get the power of attorney asap so that you can plan and protect your MIL.

With a daughter completely disinterested in helping and so unpleasant to you, she sounds like she might be the type to have a negative accusatory view on what you are doing and try and involve herself afterwards, second guessing your decisions.

Get POA sorted and with the help of a good solicitor, simplify her affairs.

It isn’t really clear what you want - you just seemed to be being pulled around by what other people want.

@billy1966

Be very careful of making a mug of yourself here, and being taken for one.

Get the power of attorney asap so that you can plan and protect your MIL.

With a daughter completely disinterested in helping and so unpleasant to you, she sounds like she might be the type to have a negative accusatory view on what you are doing and try and involve herself afterwards, second guessing your decisions.

Get POA sorted and with the help of a good solicitor, simplify her affairs.

I really don't want to be treated like a mug, and I don't want to martyr myself; helping MIL has just increased over time and then stepping up during lockdown felt like the right thing to do, but you're right - first I'll see if she wants to appoint me POA and then specialist advice. Thank you.

@PersonaNonGarter I hate confrontation or stress so admittedly I have just been pulled this way and that. I don't want to be accused of controlling/manipulating anything.

As for what I want - I'd have loved support and some warmth from SIL in helping MIL so I didn't feel alone with the responsibility. But now, I just want MIL sorted and settled so I can get my life back a bit. I'm so behind with my life.

To hell with SIL. Help your MIL if you want to do it. She very clearly needs you.

I think you need to toughen up too. And is think MIL is rather selfish expecting you to take on so much, which will only get worse as she gets older and frailer. Be very careful here. If she's not short of money I'd pass what I could to a solicitor. Totally unreasonable of her to keep a property that can only be managed with yet more input from you. That's very little help that can't be bought.
Does she not consider your own life issues to sort? I'd be a bit resentful about that. I would start to step back.
SIL will make her choices and her life will pan out as a result. You are free to make your own choices too. Different ones that would make your life easier.
And how will your DH cope if he's the one left behind in the future?
I think you're storing up a whole heap of trouble.