To keep helping or walk away?

[Garlia]

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

OP, I think all these realisations are important but please, don't go from a few days ago saying you loved MIL, had a good relationship etc, to thinking she's a manipulative bitch and reconsidering whether any of your relationship was real. Don't get me wrong, putting in place boundaries sounds like an excellent idea - the charity shop/EBAY thing is just OUTRAGEOUS - and your DH stepping up more is an even better idea, but try to remember the good too after all these years.

On whatever problem she and your DH have, I couldn't say, but DS has been confirmed as having reduced executive function which is basically planning, routines etc. I'm fairly certain it runs in DH's family. But here's the really important part - while I worry constantly (eg will he cope in a regular high school?), I am also actively doing all kinds of things to help him manage and overcome this. As is the school. And DS himself, only 10, understands that he has to think through certain things a bit more carefully. DH, who I suspect has similar issues, has learnt to put processes in place to help him. It does not come naturally to him but he's a grown up and knows he has to make some effort.

So while it might be too late for your MIL, your DH can get better on a day to day basis and if you are lucky enough to have children, you can help them to figure out the best way to manage any issues if they have them.

@Triffid1 thanks very much for your post - I really wanted to say I don't think MIL is a 'manipulative bitch' at all, as we know, nothing is usually as black/white as that and I do care for her a great deal.

Rather, I think I have let myself down by being a people pleaser and taken responsibility of MIL's limitations of executive function at huge sacrifice to myself rather than look at other options of support for her, in a self-sabotaging effort to sheild DH. It's a situation I've allowed to happen.

But. Looking at things in the past, she has been happy to ask things of me that she wouldn't ask of SIL or DH, and there's definitely an element of 'I'm not proper family' and so she doesn't mind if my time/energy is spent so she can spare SIL/DH. She might not even be aware of this herself.

Asserting myself doesn't come naturally so this thread as been hugely helpful in opening my eyes and I'm being more open minded and sympathetic to SIL's reaction too.

Stepping back and away from responsibility for MIL will be a huge relief, while I'm also considering if DH could possibly step up in some areas in our marriage too so there's less dependency on me.

Nothing to report from yesterday, DH hasn't returned her call yet and no more calls to me.

[quote Garlia]@Triffid1 thanks very much for your post - I really wanted to say I don't think MIL is a 'manipulative bitch' at all, as we know, nothing is usually as black/white as that and I do care for her a great deal.

Rather, I think I have let myself down by being a people pleaser and taken responsibility of MIL's limitations of executive function at huge sacrifice to myself rather than look at other options of support for her, in a self-sabotaging effort to sheild DH. It's a situation I've allowed to happen.

But. Looking at things in the past, she has been happy to ask things of me that she wouldn't ask of SIL or DH, and there's definitely an element of 'I'm not proper family' and so she doesn't mind if my time/energy is spent so she can spare SIL/DH. She might not even be aware of this herself.

Asserting myself doesn't come naturally so this thread as been hugely helpful in opening my eyes and I'm being more open minded and sympathetic to SIL's reaction too.

Stepping back and away from responsibility for MIL will be a huge relief, while I'm also considering if DH could possibly step up in some areas in our marriage too so there's less dependency on me.

Nothing to report from yesterday, DH hasn't returned her call yet and no more calls to me.[/quote]
I was definitely exaggerating but glad you can separate the awareness that you are being used conveniently from genuine feelings of love.

I think it's absolutely true that i you're used to being a people pleaser, it's easy for people to dump things on you and MIL is probably fully aware that if she asks DH or SIL they won't do it or won't do it properly. So it MIGHT be because your'e not family, but I suspect its also because she's quite happy to accept that her children are not competent (and I'd argue, that is probably at least part of the reason your DH has never learnt these skills - his mum clearly just let him use the excuse that he "couldn't" or it was "hard" as a child and teenager.")

Another example from DH is that he was terrible at computers etc. But he realised this wasn't okay so he's taught himself loads. But never ceases to amaze him how his sister is still unable to google a problem with her computer or phone, but ALWAYS rings him to solve it for her. It's the weird default they've come to in their family. So originally they were all bad. Now DH is good at it but he's expected to fix everyone else's problems instead of anyone making any effort to learn how to do it themselves. And they all think this is totally and completely normal.

It sounds like she may have early onset dementia based on your relay of the missed hospital appointment discussion.

How are things going @Garlia?

@Garlia good on you for taking a step back. MIL needs to take some responsibility, as do her 2 children. It’s not fair leaving it all to you, you have a right to your own life. The charity shop voicemail was a complete joke!

Having gone through failed IVF then l know how hard it can be. A lot of people when it’s failed seem to think it’s over and you’ve moved on . Then seem surprised when you don’t think so. Good luck with it, l know it’s a tough journey

@billy1966

How are things going *@Garlia*?

Sorry I haven't updated sooner! It's been a bit of a week.

MIL has been in touch a lot still, though she phones DH more often as if she calls me I let it go to answerphone.

She has needed a bill paying, which actually she could do in person. I said to DH he can help guide her to do it. It took up a whole afternoon and 4 phone calls back and forth with her to get it done; he was drained afterwards and finally knows how it feels to help his Mum even with a simple thing.

She has noticed I'm suddenly "very busy" and was upset, DH explained to her that he has insisted I step back a bit as I need less stress, but that I still care, and he said it would be better to get a solicitor for LPA as they'll be fully independent and they can help her with the house and her finances etc.

She's now mentioned selling it!! I never thought that would happen.

It's been tough as I feel cruel stepping back so much but she still has DH and I really do need my life back.

I'm so appreciative of the advice here, I was heading down a very stressful path and I'm grateful my eyes were opened!

DH has been 100% in my corner which has helped hugely. Even one evening when I wobbled and was going to phone MIL he said not to, that rightly it's his responsibility.

He has started doing a one or two things for himself now too - it's had a knock on effect, really positively. An appointment I'd usually book he managed to do. So going forward I'll definitely be encouraging him to take more responsibility, as it seems some things are a confidence issue rather than a 'can't'.

Thanks again

Great update.

There is nothing wrong with your MIL's ability to grasp consequences.
Proof of that is her now talking about selling because you aren't prepared to indulge her whims.

Mention of a LPA and suddenly she changes her mind.
This is very telling.

It really is good for your husband to start flexing that muscle of sorting stuff out.

If MIL realises that she has to inconvenience her son, it may help her to do more for herself.

Either way you do not want her moving in with you.

Ye live so far away that her affairs have to be simplified or else this will continue.

Well done for staying strong.

Your stress levels have been far too high for too long.
Don't encourage your husband to endlessly discuss his mother with you, as this will be stressful for you and not help you.

You have protected him for years from your stress, let him get on with it himself.
It will do him no harm at all.

keep helping her! she needs you.
how awful her own daughter wont step up!

You're such a good person, OP! So much better than me, I am so angry on your behalf. It's amazing that you've started taking steps to get your life and time back!

@GettingItOutThere

keep helping her! she needs you. how awful her own daughter wont step up!

Her own daughter seems to have the measure of her mother and exactly what she is capable of. OP has to reduce her own stress, keep job hunting and get her life back on track.

Either way you do not want her moving in with you.

I didn't realise it before but this would have been inevitable - and the thought of it makes me feel very low horrified as I know I would be the one caring for her 24/7.

I'm reminding myself she has money, two properties she now owns, assets with jewellery, and a pension coming in and two DC. She also has an on/off partner (he lives 4 hours away) and has friends so she's not isolated or alone as such.

I'd just gotten sucked into thinking I was doing the right thing, like I was coming to the rescue helping when she asked; I think only when SIL responded with her (understandable) coldness, that it made me realise how lonely and thankless it has been shouldering MILs stress alone, shielding DH.

Great point @billy1966 DH has wanted to vent about MIL and how frustrating it is trying to help but I don't want/need to hear it, I keep referring to the list of resources I made such as her GP, Age Concern, solicitors etc, it's entirely his choice in how he decides to support her. I need to move forward.

Well today is blissful, I have the afternoon to focus on applications and I got in touch with the fertility clinic yesterday :)

DH is on a tablet I bought him learning how to use it! He says he'd like a Smartphone too, to learn a few Apps, I think he'll soon realise he can do more than he thinks (especially now I know I need to back off trying to help when he asks, as it actually hinders!).

So pleased to read this.

One other tip regarding handling your husband if he asks a question regarding his MIL that you don't want to discuss or get into.

Simply say "I don't have and opinion one way or the other".
Or " I really don't mind, whatever you think".
Or " That really is nothing to do with me".

You just need to reinforce your distance/disinterest/ disengagement from HER business.

It no longer involves you.

She is rotten with money, let her spend some of it paying for help.

This is not uncommon.
I know of several people who have fallen out with their well off parents because they wanted to massively impose on their children to do DIY, gardening, cleaning etc. even though their children had FT jobs, babies etc. and were drowning in their own lives.

Their parents didn't want to spend money and didn't feel why they should when a son in law could spend his Saturday painting, or gardening etc.

Sod that.
It's one thing if parents are living on very little but not when they have large incomes.

Some grandparents have zero idea how busy their children are and how hard they have to work, both parents working to provide a comfortable family life.

Hi OP - I havent read the whole thread but you sound awesome - Id love to have someone like you in my life helping me out with things I find a bit tricky.

Sorry I havent read the whole thread so this may have been discussed already - I wonder if SIL is on the spectrum herself, hence her "let her get on with it" approach.