To keep helping or walk away?

[Garlia]

My MIL is a lovely kind person, never had an issue in over 15 years knowing her.

She is a bit vulnerable however; struggles to read and write, struggles understanding information and is one-way with conversation/talks at long length without realising; she doesn't take incoming information in unless she really concentrates, but even then she can get things mixed up.

She's quite traditional in that payments/bills were made via cheque or cash, in person. She cannot use a computer. During lockdown she asked me to help so I set up direct debits for all her bills, prescription deliveries and organised a weekly food shop etc. We set up a joint account so I can pay for anything she needs. I keep a paper trail to prove everything is above board.

My DH is unable to help her at all (apart from moral support) so the 'doing' falls to me.

She has had issues with neighbours, property, her car, I've always stepped in to help at her request. From completing her census for her to getting a BT engineer when she had issues to speaking with solicitors on her behalf, she's increasingly relying on me. I feel honoured she trusts me and I care about her so much.

Basically, she's needing more and more support. She has now inherited a big sum of money and a property from a family member (not expected) and now is responsible for the bills which she can't afford on her pension. The situation is overwhelming for her and she doesn't know what to do, and I'm mindful not to tell her what do to, but only to support her.

She has another child, DHs younger sister. She is not close to MIL at all and is very very cold with me and DH, there's no contact really. SIL is not interested with MIL is struggling, and will tell her what to do (not always practical ideas) rather than help. I think she genuinely doesn't understand MILs limits.

DH contacted his sister, feeling it was the right thing to do, to tell her how much MIL is struggling and relying on me to do things for her and could we all meet as a family to chat about how to best support MIL and guide her through.

She responded by insisting I step back 100% as it's not my place to help and I'm interfering, I said of course I don't want to interfere I'm genuinely just supporting MIL.

I've gently explained to MIL I need to step back now and she's incredibly upset, and pleading with me to still help her, I feel so torn I really don't know what the right thing to do is?

Do I step back as SIL wants or continue to help but cause more family tension?

DH does say he wishes he could help but also says I'm so good at getting stuff done right that it's better I do it anyway.

I think if I told him I was stepping back he would understand but be very very stressed himself.
Yes I think he knows very well it’s stressful but it’s much easier not to think about that. Next time he says but you’re so good at it you respond ‘it’s stressful and exhausting and taking over my life, dont I matter too?’
If you don’t he carries on in his fantasy world where you love doing all this stuff. Two changes- He is 100% on fielding sil duty from here on, and not with nice requests to meet and talk but just tell her to fuck off. Sil wants... if sil wanted you to torch mils house as you left next time then go home and eat roast potatoes every night for the next week would you? It’s about as relevant, when mil is asking you.
And, tell dh your life has gone on hold for his mum. His hasnt. You can’t do it much longer, and he should actively be supporting this transition, stepping in to take over some of the load now such as the daily phone call. And to stop putting things on you (I do understand why you’ve done all this and you are very kind, but you need to get it to a step back position. I’d start your life again now and fit mil in.)

I know many people with asd/adhd and they can use a bloody phone.

And equally many can't, jenthefredo, but otherwise your post is spot on.

Even if there's no practical support needed, she will phone me and want to talk and repeat old stories for a couple of hours which seems to help her stress levels. So it's a daily support really. Maybe I can start handing the phone to DH?

Yes! Totally hand the phone to DH. Make it clear prior to it happening that he's to entertain her and not pass the phone to you even if she asks. And contact a charity offering a befriending service for the elderly whether that's a support worker to visit for a chat or a day centre for MIL to attend to talk to her peers. Something routine. The rest of the time have your excuses lined up when she phones, be kind but busy, you're not available, end of. Have caller ID on the phone and don't answer if it's not convenient.

It has made me see things a bit differently and I know my help isn't acknowledged or appreciated by MIL and as DH can't deal with 'life admin' he doesn't truly appreciate the stress. Once I've fixed one fire, she forgets about it.

He does know. You need to get him to face it. Sit down, have the conversation of how he can't cope with life stuff. List it all the things he'd have to do if single and living alone which he can't cope with, how stressful it is. He knows how stressful it is or he'd be doing it. Then point out you're doing it all for both of you, and for MIL too. Get him to think about all that stress you're carrying, 3 people's stress, so he can see it's unfair.

I think don't get POA because you don't know how to regulate yourself. You've put job hunting and IVF on hold to be a carer. Read that sentence again and recognise how unfair that is to you. The basics of life, not a hobby or friendship even, you've actually postponed long term (because there's no way MIL is going to get better) the basics of life for someone else. You know that thing about not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? That, OP, remember that.

I think if I told him I was stepping back he would understand but be very very stressed him

Am I reading the tone of this right? You think you should take on that stress to spare him? This is insane. Why do you think that?

If we accept one of you has to be stressed... So should it be the person whose mother it is and who might inherit if MIL doesn't spend it all? Or the person who isn't a blood relative and is trying to get pregnant? You do know stress can stop you conceiving?

If you do decide to get POA, which I don't recommend, I think take MIL to a solicitor first. This would be at her expense. Tell the solicitor in a private and frank discussion what you're prepared to take on and not prepared to take on and any deal breakers you have. Then have the solicitor, in private with you waiting outside, explain to your MIL what her choices are and help her make a decision of how to proceed with her life. So you can't be accused of coercing MIL to give POA to you and you can't be coerced into taking on more than you want to out of politeness for not wanting to say this or that in front of MIL.

Am I reading the tone of this right? You think you should take on that stress to spare him? This is insane. Why do you think that?

I suppose I think I should do it (help MIL), simply because I can and he struggles so much.

I don't want to paint DH in a bad light he's the most gentle, non-manipulative person and it's my fault for saying I'll do X, Y or Z and not voicing how much time/energy it's really taking out of me.

I try and put a spin of positivity on whatever is happening for his sake, but maybe I'm masking too much.

In terms of looking after herself practically like cooking/cleaning/shopping she can do 100%. It's just anything else that requires her to understand or give info correctly.

An example, she asked me to go with her to a hospital appointment (pre covid) which I did, I drove the 2 hours to her house, she was still getting ready and I said do you have your appointment letter, she said yes in the drawer (took me 5 mins to find it) only to see the appointment was 9.30am not 3.30pm as she told me so her slot had already gone.

I asked her if she had read it, she said yes. She was very confused when I pointed out the time. I had to then make a phone call to apologise and request another be sent, then drive up again when she had the new appointment through not knowing if she had told me the right time as the department couldn't confirm with me due to confidentiality.

This is just one typical example, the worst thing is she now remembers it incorrectly, she tells people I was late and that's why she missed it.

I have woken up feeling differently; the thought of relinquishing worry/support would make me feel incredibly relieved.

Perhaps DH could do the phone calls, and when MIL needs help for anything he can work with her somehow to find a solution, that doesn't include me.

That way she's being supported but I'm not providing the solutions? DH can't do it himself but he can give her the number of a solicitor to help her.

You know that thing about not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? That, OP, remember that

That really resonated. I often feel it would be selfish to put my priorities first but realistically I'm just exhausted and not moving forward in my life.

But this hasn't just happened, it's been my choice to take in onboard and to help, therefore my fault entirely; steadily it's tipped from the odd bit of help to daily support.

I do feel like an idiot now.

Can you get some advice from Age concern and the citizens advice bureau as your mil is a vulnerable person?

I'd suggest you get her to open a long term deposit account to lock the money in so she doesn't spend it all. Regarding the inherited house, can it be let out for a few years whilst a decision is made about it? Or your mil could sell it as a cash only, chain free sale to take advantage of the stamp duty costs.

Great advice above OP.

Your MIL is inconveniencing the person she cares for least.

She probably does want to pass the house on to SIL.

This does happen in family's ALL the time.
And it's ALWAYS one person who does it all.
The workload is never spread out, its always some poor, nice mug who is told how good they are and left to it.

Utterly thankless.
Everyone else turns their head and pretends they can't see how unfair it is.

I don't for a second believe your MIL is as helpless as she pretends but god she is selfish.

Look at the three of them.
Your MIL has you run raggedy looking after her, so she's getting what SHE wants.
Your husband does absolutely nothing, his mother gets looked aftet, he gets what HE wants.
Your SIL does nothing, her mother is looked after, so SIL gets what SHE wants.

Can you see it?
THEY get what THEY want at YOUR expense.

You are putting your life on hold to be carer to this woman.

Is this why you married him?
To be used by his whole family?

They all sound so selfish.

The key things is not his words, but his actions.
He says he knows it's hard and says he supports you, but his actions are he does nothing, and you are caught for long phone calls, because he won't even do that.

How is YOUR mental health? because MINE would be in shit if I had do be doing all you are doing, plus the phone calls, all the while not being able to return to work and move forward with IVF.

YOUR life is being sacrificed for this woman.

You really need to look at this with a very cold, calculating eye....just like they all have.

Perhaps your MIL needs to go into assisted living?

I think if you say yes to the POA, you will be caught for everything, no matter what is said.

You need to tell him No, that you are not being volunteered to be Carer for his mother by him and his sister.

You will have no one to blame except yourself if you take this load on.

I really feel this should be a deal breaker in your marriage too.

Stop answering her endless phone calls too.

Let her ring her daughter and son.
They WON'T even do that for her.

OP, there was a poster on here once, who was recently widowed.
Her late husband's two brothers never offered a single bit of help or support during his illness or afterwards.
They did however contact her out of the blue a year later, to tell her that she needed to step in and move closer to her MIL to act as her carer, as she was childless, and they were busy with their families.
They told her it was her duty.
Thank God she laughed at them.
But THAT is how selfish some family's can be.

Don’t feel like an idiot. You have been incredibly kind and caring. I imagine it’s crept up on you a bit.

Just to say, if you apply for POA, I think they will contact your SIL to ask if she has any objection. This happened to use around the care of an elderly relative and my stupid uncle who neither cared nor visited did object, so we had to carry on as you have done up until now and keep excellent records. So check about that before laying out any expense on a POA. However, SIL aside, it does sound as though you might benefit from taking a step back and letting your DH & SIL feel the weight of their mum’s issues.

You have been so kind OP, but you've made huge sacrifices both personally and professionally to do so.

You need to decide if you are happy to continue to do so -your MIL needs help forever - imo better that you bite the bullet and get some structures/services in place to help, than passively walk into a situation where you continue to putting sticking plasters over the problems at huge cost to yourself. You can still support her, but you don't need to do everything. And be careful of repercussions, I would have a solicitor rather than POA personally, but either way, document everything.

Good luck.

I don't think thus is your SiL's decision, this is your MiL' s decision to make. She has made it clear she wants your support. If you are still willing to perform that role, so be it.

I'm thinking about it now and there are things DH can possibly help with that don't involve a computer or paperwork. I'll suggest he take a few of those things off my shoulders and see what his reaction is.

I'll stop automatically saying I'll help with any additional support, will hand the phone to DH, he can also suggest she ask SIL if he can't help.

I wish I could turn back time and see things clearer before. Lots of things now I'm seeing in a different light, I think you're all right. And as regards to the house, I have no issue with whoever she wants to leave it to, it's her estate and her money. It would be easier if she transferred it straight to SIL then it would cease being an issue! Not sure how DH would feel though.

I'm going to start planning a few things of my own I think.

Don't feel like an idiot OP we are generally so conditioned to help it's easy to be sucked into taking on more than is good for us.

I understand though, DH and DD1 are dyslexic, and DB has ADHD.

(DB doesn't use a phone btw, and struggles with life admin hugely. He's trying get medication to improve his situation, but that is a whole thread in itself.)

If MIL mismanages her own money, she will run out, and honestly sometimes things are a lot less complicated with fewer assets involved!

Imo POA would not help you personally at all - it should jointly be your husband and his sister.

All POAs I know of (granted just my parents, grandparents and some friends) name more than one person, and usually its their children or a close friend - not an IL on their own.

It would leave you open to accusations of all sorts from your SIL, despite your kind intentions, especially if it happens behind her back.

If SIL and your DH are not willing to take it on, then that's that. If something happens to MIL that removes capacity, she will become a ward of court. That's not ideal, but it shouldn't be your worry. If she needs care, her assets would be sold off and used for care home fees.

Find a way to step back and protect yourself.

OP, I think @billy1966’s most recent post is spot on. I also think your people-pleasing has tipped over from voluntary kindness into a really toxic situation, where your life is being eaten up by supporting not one but two ‘incapable’ people who see your labour as fundamentally invisible, because you’ve set it up that way, so that there are no consequences for them to their lack of capacity.

You absorb all the work and stress and admin and driving and phone calls and bill-paying rather than see either your MIL or your DH ‘stressed’. You are behaving as though their stress trumps your stress, or as though your MIL’s sentimentality about a house and liking for jewellery trumps her ability to continue to pay her bills. It also sounds as if you consciously hide the extent to which you’ve become your MIL’s personal drudge from your DH because it makes him ‘feel bad’ he’s not doing any of it.

Could your DH not do all the driving to medical appointments, field all the long, repetitive phone calls?

Why doesn’t he pursue an autism diagnosis, which would help him (not you, him) put in place measures to assist where he struggles?

You need to start prioritising yourself, OP. Especially as, as others have said, if you’re struggling to conceive. And I would also — in the nicest possible way — seek out a good therapist to help, and to explore why you have chosen to surround yourself with two people who lack capacity in ways that make your life much harder!.

She lives two hours away, and you're responsible for getting her to her hospital appointments?

You are basically a carer for two people. One lives with you, one lives two hours away. You can't have a job and you can't have a baby because of the level of care and admin that you're having to provide.

This is awful. What life do you have outside this? Do you have friends?

On a practical level, if you're managing your MIL's finances and she's buying all this jewellery, I hope that's all very clearly shown to be purchased by her and that all of it still exists and can be found at her house. Because SIL could accuse you if anything when the money runs out.

I'm glad you have realised that the responsibility shouldn't be on you. That you are doing this to the detriment of IVF and also getting a job is crazy.

Your MIL can get hospital transport in future. How selfish of her to get the appointment time wrong when you had to drive two hours to hers!

Keep posting to get perspectives that are on your side, not that of your slack DH or his selfish mum.

I do feel like an idiot now

Don't feel like an idiot OP, you're not. But you can pat yourself on the back for being a thoroughly lovely, kind person

And now it's time to help your DH and SIL to be lovely too!

Pay someone to manage selling the property
Tell dh he is to explain it to mil and sil
Solicitor led family conference?
Use the funds to pay someone to do the life admin for mil
Now there is money from property to fund this you can step back and get your life back

There are council courses for basic computers skills has dh tried? Adult education college? One on one ? What is it he actually cannot do on computer? Like accessing forms or booking gp?

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation but its great that you’re getting some good advice to put your own needs first. This really is an opportunity now to put in boundaries that can protect you for the future and ensure you can live and enjoy your own life, not sacrifice everything for others.
Particular alarm bells rang when I read about your mil re-writing history that it was you that was late and made her miss her hospital appt when actually she got the time wrong. Imagine what could be re-written about how you have already helped her, not to mention if you were to get poa. You almost certainly will be painted as the greedy, manipulative dil who just wants to get her hands on mil’s money. Step out of this now before it’s too late.
You could try putting some of the energy you have been putting into meeting your mil and dh’s needs into meeting your own instead for a start. A warning- they will probably both try in different ways to make you feel bad for doing so. It could mean a lot of emotional stress they would create to force you back into your old role. Mil might even make herself ill to force you back. Don’t give in.

You have done an awful lot to make your mil and dh’s life easier (already setting up direct debits etc). You can suggest things like them getting a social services assessment for her, give her info from age uk about support, suggest she see gp and explain about her difficulties with life skills and appts etc. If she is genuinely incapable of getting herself to a hospital appt then that can be sorted by the health service. Then you clearly show that you are not going to just do everything for her.
Tell your dh that you definitely won’t do things that he can do for mil eg hospital appointments and chatting on phone for hours. He must step up to support her and you in ways that he can. Maybe for the future you can clearly state what you are prepared to do, if there are certain areas where dh genuinely can’t manage, but be careful that others don’t push it.

Don’t blame yourself for the situation. Read up about co-dependency. “Codependent relationships are high-cost caretaking and rescuing relationships where one partner sacrifices in an effort to fix the problems of the other under-functioning partner. It differs from other close relationships in that it is highly imbalanced with one person consistently taking the role of ‘giver’ and the other of ‘taker’.”

Please don't feel like you are and idiot.
You are a lovely young woman who was trying to be kind an supportive.
Like lots of young women....ripe for exploitation of your good nature.

I'm full of stories, and here's one that involves me 15 years ago.

We have large urban garden that take a lot of maintenance but we are both keen gardeners.
My neighbour had recently lost her husband.
She had 3 daughter's that were in and out and a son living with her.

We had at least 3 small children at the time, and life was so busy.

She tells in passing one day when I meet her and stop for a polite word, that she is worried about maintaining her garden and would my husband start cutting her grass etc.😳.
I was momentarily speechless🤔 but recovered and said surely one of her 3 son's in law, or HER SON, could do it?
She told me with a straight face that they were far too busy with their big jobs to do it?????
I obviously told her so was my husband and extracated myself promptly.
I only ever waved and smiled again, at a distance.
A perfect example of a CF happy to impose on someone that isn't her family.

I was naive too when young and used on occasion ...
However, through life experience and that of friends, I have seen how imposed upon women can be, and I am now a hardnosed old woman who won't take an ounce of being imposed upon🤣🤣.

I can't find the reference to '2 hours away'......is this true?
If it is, it's even worse.

Again, you are getting great advice above.

I think using your SIL as the reason that you are stepping away and STICKING to it.

Let your MIL spend every penny on making her life easier on jewellery, taxis to appointments. Not YOUR problem.

You are no longer available.

Your focus is IVF.
If your husband has a problem with THAT, then you have separate issues.

It appears that it is OK for YOU to be stressed to your eyeballs as you protect them all from the realities of what you have been doing, but yet they can't be imposed upon to be told all that is involved.

BULLSHIT.

Make a long list of EVERYTHING you have done. EVERYTHING.

Give it to your husband and tell him figure it out between the 3 of them.

Let him be stressed, he has allowed you to be and stood by.

Watch indeed carefully how he responds to you no longer being his family's skivvy.

You need to calm that mind of yours and focus on getting YOUR life back.

Stress and conceiving are not good partners.
You need minding.
You had surgery too.
I'm outraged on your behalf.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Your my mum with my dads mum ❤. Sibling did the same. Dad told him to jog on and my mum carried on. Get a family solicitor too, they can help you with legal side, keeping everything above board. They will be able to advise you about possible power of attorney etc.

I missed the hospital bit.

How convenient it was for her to blame YOU.

Any decision that you make that SIL doesn't like she will conveniently lie about and deny knowledge.

The stress you would have would be unbelievable and for what?

As stated above, you could find yourself hugely pressured and guilted by them all.

After all, they don't want to contribute in any way so it is in THEIR best interests to use you and make a mug out of you.

You may see a different side to your husband when you say NO.

We see the truth of the character of our partners when we lay down boundaries and say "No, that doesn't work for me".

Let him be stressed.
But if he is in ANY way unkind to you after you doing it ALL for years....

Then take a good hard look at him.

I would tell your husband you have thought about it and you are no longer prepared to be involved.

The two hours to the hospital appointment.
Ridiculous.

Your MIL instantly changed her mind when you said you would withdraw?
There is NOTHING wrong with her mind if she was able to register the implications immediately.

You have been played.
You are being played, by them all.

Protect YOUR future.

I think that's wise OP. I understand your husband may not be able to help her with some of the 'life admin' type things but if he drives then he should be capable of driving her somewhere, if he is pleasant to talk to he should be able to listen to her on the phone for an hour. You shouldn't be the default carer.

I actually don't think it's important whether you or DH help MIL as long as you're both on the same page. How you arrange the workload between DH and you in your marriage is no one else's business. If Sil is not willing to help, Mil needs help, and you're the one able and willing then you help.

Could dh phone her everyday for a check in call?

@autumnboys

Don’t feel like an idiot. You have been incredibly kind and caring. I imagine it’s crept up on you a bit.

Just to say, if you apply for POA, I think they will contact your SIL to ask if she has any objection. This happened to use around the care of an elderly relative and my stupid uncle who neither cared nor visited did object, so we had to carry on as you have done up until now and keep excellent records. So check about that before laying out any expense on a POA. However, SIL aside, it does sound as though you might benefit from taking a step back and letting your DH & SIL feel the weight of their mum’s issues.

Really?? A mentally capable adult asked to give another adult a poa and the solicitor called around the family to get consent from people with no legal say in the mentally capable adults affairs?? If so, wow.