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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be beautiful?

588 replies

Mindgoneblanko · 14/04/2021 18:37

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

OP posts:
PusheenLove · 16/04/2021 19:32

@5128gap

PusheenLove, my hair is currently long and wavy (it was always blonde but the colour is nicer as it grows) theres a lot of it and it frames my face, and distracts from my jawline and less than great bone structure. Shorter styles I have had in the past have had the opposite effect and made me look very plain. My weight is at a level right for my height and frame, BMI 20 and at this weight I am 37 24 37 which looks better on me than when I carried more weight, as the excess was on my stomach. In turn this makes it really easy to find clothes. Most things look ok on me now.
24 inch waist? Nice!
DrSbaitso · 16/04/2021 19:33

The point of MeToo was to demonstrate just how universal harassment and assault are, how they affect all women. If we went through that and people - women, even - are still saying "nah, only the stunners", then it failed miserably and I'm completely depressed.

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 19:35

I am on the same page as @NoatheQueen. And some others on here are completely missing the point.
A lot of attractive people DON’T assume the bad treatment is because of their looks. They figure it out after a true friend tells them what’s happening.

I had no idea for many many years that the bad treatment of me was because of my looks. I thought it was because I was: dull, nasty, up myself, rude, too confident, too quiet... you name it. Which is why some of us have suffered self-esteem problems as a result. You see people don’t ever want you to know they are treating you badly because of your looks (might give you a big head) so they don’t say this directly. They just try and take away your confidence by being awful to you in general.

Some examples of common and repeated events as a teenager:

Being told I have too much make up on and should take some off- (when I had less than everyone else)
That dress isn’t appropriate no one else is dressing up and I have bad taste in clothes (then same girls wear similar clothes)
Being excluded all of a sudden and more than anyone else.
Being told you’re flirting and coming on to people when you’re not
More comments about weight, skin than anyone else : look, look, she finally has a zit!!
Are you on a diet? You don’t eat enough, that’s why your skinny, you don’t eat anything. I ate normally. No one else’s dietary habits were scrutinised.

It was exhausting standing up to it all the time and many girl friends just had to be dropped as they wouldn’t stop. Sadly it happened so often I just ended up being friends with more boys than girls (boys didn’t do it) which obviously made me even more hated.
One girl in our group just suddenly started being mean, talked over me, rolling eyes every time I said something, always biting back with nasty comments. I was so confused and hurt and another friend pulled me aside and said “it’s because xx(her boyfriend) said you were really pretty and now she doesn’t like you”
If that friend hadn’t done that I would have thought it was because of me as a person. There were plenty of times similar things happened I wasn’t pulled aside so I genuinely thought it was just me.

More overt bullying from non- friends:
Being told “I’m going to ruin your night”and a drink thrown in my face completely randomly in a bar.
My friends overheard a group of girls at a party saying they were going to set light to my hair with a lighter because it was too nice and that would serve me right. I left the party.

In my 20s I got dropped by a friend and when I asked her what I’d done she openly told me it was because I got too much attention from men and it made her jealous and insecure and she didn’t want to deal with it anymore. At least she told me the truth so I didn’t doubt myself in other ways.

I was asked to stop talking to a male colleague by another female colleague as it was “really upsetting xxxx” who was their ex and I should “stop deliberately pissing women off by getting attention from men”

As I mentioned in a previous post women still exclude me now due to not wanting me around their husbands. Even though I’m married with kids.

I compensated by becoming a people pleaser -trying to be agreeable, make others feel good about themselves, not rock the boat, try and shrink as much as possible.

Luckily I have come through that and am much more confident in myself for who I am as a person.
I feel in a good space now, I feel very lucky to still be a little bit attractive and see that there are many advantages, but not so much that it’s a burden like it used to be when I was young. My personality is now able to shine and I am more confident and can cope with any bitchiness more easily as it just doesn’t happen as often.

5128gap · 16/04/2021 19:43

Pusheenlove, yeah but at 52 it's on borrowed time. Any day now I'll find its doubled in size while I've been distracted.Grin

Ddot · 16/04/2021 20:16

24 inch waist ahh I remember those days

RoseyMinerals · 16/04/2021 20:16

@MrsLion isn't it awful how we go through our lives with absolutely no real support on the unwarranted hate, bar the odd "thought I had better just let you know...". I have mirrored your experiences almost down to the detail - the school experiences (all of them! Geared at make up, weight, made up stories to suit their narrative of me as the fool or as the stuck up one)....

...the drinks thrown .. (and more than a couple of times)... The random attacks in clubs (when in 20's), completely oblivious to what I had apparently done (looking at a boyfriend, apparently touching an arm... etc - always an excuse for the violence).

....Also lots of it in the workplace. Where even to start.

I sympathise with a pp who said that she has to avoid eye contact and ice out the stares etc. I have often felt the same way and it's an awful way to live.. Especially when all you want is to connect authentically with people!

I've always tried to make other people feel happy, relaxed and confident in my company but I've found that apparently pretty women don't "deserve" empathy in return. Sad isn't it. I got on better with blokes too.

I really would love female friends but have come to the conclusion that it's just not worth it - from experience it's all going well and then bam, i'll receive a random and very enthusiastic/ specific compliment about me... Almost aggressive. And then within a few days i'll be dropped/ ignored/ made to feel bad and the "friendship" will fizzle out. The snide remarks. The negging! Awful behaviour that i'd never dream of doing to someone else.

And yes it's all because of jealousy. After a lifetime of it... It's a conclusion brought about by logic and personal experience.

Anyone who is insistent our experiences aren't being perceived correctly should live it for a while. (And note that the two main motives for homicides are money and jealousy.)

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 20:26

"(And note that the two main motives for homicides are money and jealousy.)"

Are you saying that you're now more likely to be MURDERED because of your irresistible beauty?

Lndnmummy · 16/04/2021 20:33

One of my very good friends is so so beautiful. I’ve known her for 20 years and she is still as beautiful. She has that natural look that people often ask how to copy. I’ve spoken to her about this many times and refreshingly she doesn’t try to deny her beauty. She says that for her it’s been a complex thing. She is heartbreakingly shy and would prefer to blend in rather than stand out. She often end up the centre of attention and she is painfully uncomfortable with it. I think also, because of her looks people don’t appreciate how shy and much of an introvert she is. It gets mistaken for arrogance. She is really really funny when she lets her guard down but she always downplays her personality as she finds her beauty domineering enough.

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 21:52

Yes the constant negging by females and then most boyfriends after you’d been with them a while. Except there wasn’t a name for it back then.

@HeadBeeGuy
Roseyminerals said ‘money and jealousy are the two main drivers of homicide’
Maybe this isn’t factually correct, or maybe it is.
But your reaction is a good example of exactly what we’re talking about. Instead of asking her to clarify where she got that information from. The focus of your statement is instead focused on making her out to be vain and self-centered “your irresistible beauty”

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 22:00

"@HeadBeeGuy
Roseyminerals said ‘money and jealousy are the two main drivers of homicide’
Maybe this isn’t factually correct, or maybe it is.
But your reaction is a good example of exactly what we’re talking about. Instead of asking her to clarify where she got that information from. The focus of your statement is instead focused on making her out to be vain and self-centered “your irresistible beauty”"

Considering this whole thread is 20+ pages of people talking about their experiences being "beautiful", and a lot of those experiences seem to involve other women mistreating them because of their beauty, it's not too much of a stretch to assume that the poster who made that thinks that beautiful women are more likely to be murdered out of jealousy, whether it's accurate or not.

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 22:09

Your use of the word ‘irresistible’ was designed to put her down, and you know it.

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 22:14

If you didn’t want to put her down, you would have said something like
“ really, that’s true? People are more likely to be murdered because others are jealous of their beauty”

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 22:18

Yeh ok 🙄

Drunkenmonkey · 16/04/2021 22:20

@HeadBeeGuy your post saying 'irresistable beauty' was designed to be belittling, to make her sound arrogant. Jealousy is a nasty emotion to be on the receiving end of. It eats people up inside, almost everyone has experienced feeling it or being on the receiving end in some form. So many crimes are committed to due jealous partners lashing out, so many controlling relationships are due to jealousy. Her post wasn't outrageous at all.

You can even see hints of it on this thread. If women post about their experiences others want to knock them down and belittle them, despite the question in the OP targeted at people who are 'beautiful'.

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 22:23

Making stupid comments hinting about how their lives are somehow endangered by their beauty, or how they don't bother trying to befriend other women because we're all just spiteful and jealous anyway IS arrogant. 🤷

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 22:57

How?
Why is explaining how being beautiful makes people feel unsafe and struggle with friendships being arrogant?

I don’t understand.

Is it just so unpalatable that a women might consider herself beautiful that she must be cut down as quickly as possible and made to feel ‘stupid’?

If a women felt unsafe or didn’t have many female friends for other reasons would that be acceptable to you?

It seems that being beautiful means not only the problem doesn’t exist, the women must be put in her place for being up herself by suggesting it.

Sort of proves our point nicely really.

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 23:09

Do you really not think that "ordinary" women can have difficulty making and maintaining friendships? Or are harassed by men? Or sexually assaulted? Even murdered?

As someone upthread pointed out, the "MeToo" movement was supposed to highlight how these terrible things can happen to anyone, but as soon as someone points that out, all the "beautiful" women on this thread fall over themselves to tell us that we possibly can't know what it's like and that they have it so much worse than the rest of us.(Although they still seem happy to accept all the preferential treatment their good looks bring them that the rest of us mere mortals don't get; we just have to deal with all the shitty parts.) It's not just your apparent lived experience that has been discounted on this thread.

Frankly it's fucking disgusting to suggest that the rest of us are somehow "safer" from violence and murder just because of our average looks as though these are things that normal women don't experience every hour of every day, but please continue to seethe over my use of the word irresistible.

ChristmasAlone · 16/04/2021 23:12

I wouldn't usually openly say it but I am definitely beautiful. I am regularly reminded of the fact. I can assure you that I doesn't come without it's issues, mainly from women - although men are very grating.

There is always a preconceived notion I am a bitch, I have lost count of the amount of times other women have told me "oh I thought I wouldn't like you because I thought you'd be a bitch", like it's the most normal thing in the world to say to another person. I am very good at my job and hold a senior position, people often joke about who I gave a blow job to get there. I'm not only stupid, but I'm also a slag. I have been asked in front of ex partners what I see in them or them being told they are punching. Men are regularly overly nice, which is annoying but hot too bad but other females are completely standoffish and have ideas about what I'm like. I know it's all very much 1st world problems, but it's not nice.

MrsLion · 16/04/2021 23:12

I didn’t say that only beautiful are more unsafe or worse off.

I was pointing out that you belittled a woman that said she was by called her arrogant and said her remarks were stupid.

HeadBeeGuy · 16/04/2021 23:19

"I was pointing out that you belittled a woman that said she was by called her arrogant and said her remarks were stupid."

And I've already said that yes, I think they were arrogant and stupid and explained why. What's your point? If you think that going on about it is going to make me take it back then you're wasting your time, unless the poster in question returns to the thread to clarify why she thought pointing out that most homicides are committed because of jealousy (allegedly) was relevant.

LieLikeALoungeroomLizard · 16/04/2021 23:36

When you're young it brings a lot of unwanted attention, when you start getting older you realise how many opportunities came your way because of it, basically people treating you better and being extra nice to you etc, then when you start to ate its more of a challenge as your kinda losing something

So it's shit, great and harder and easier all in one weird mix

LieLikeALoungeroomLizard · 16/04/2021 23:36

Age not ate

LieLikeALoungeroomLizard · 16/04/2021 23:40

The message In the twits book has alot to answer for

OhWhyNot · 16/04/2021 23:48

I found once I got over myself thinking other women didn’t like me because of my looks it didn’t seem to happen so much

I don’t think I was harassed more but certainly having huge boobs on a small frame didn’t help

I don’t want to be defined by losing my looks. I’m not stunning anymore and that’s fine but I know some who struggle to cope with it

Ddot · 17/04/2021 06:32

I WAS like I've said, classed as stunning, still felt slightly jealous of my much more beautiful friend but she was my friend and I loved her. Why would I be a bitch! To her. I've had lots of so called friends treat me badly over my younger days. treated by men like eye candy, my husband even complained that I wear my glasses and not enough makeup when with him, Ex now. I've had friends complain about too much attention on nights out, fall out with me because the man she wanted was interested in me. The fact that I couldnt keep a man was oh so funny, (well you'll get another) I wasn't even that beautiful, so if your one of those fabulously beautiful people I sympathise, I really do. I had about twenty years of beauty and its not bloody easy