To be beautiful?

[Mindgoneblanko]

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

Being considered beautiful is wonderful. But we don't appreciate such compliments when we're young. Even now in my middle age, I still have compliments but I still feel inadequate to the beauty I once was

I'm no model but I would categorise myself as a very pretty woman in a 'girl next door' way. So nothing special, but a good face.

Always favoured by teachers or adults and I could and can see this clearly (certainly used it to my advantage and manipulated as a child in a myriad of ways). Children vied for my attention (I've apologised to a number as an adult). As a teen it was harder, other girls really want to punish you and boys harass and are extremely aggressive.

As an adult, I think I'm in a good spot, not beautiful enough to intimidate or make people jealous, but just pretty enough that people really do like me. People trust me, listen to me, want me to like them. I can see it whenever in a group. I am also forgiven for transgressions very very easily, people don't stay mad at me, strangers smile at me and remember me. I've never not got a job I interviewed in person for. I used to make £40 a night in tips as a barmaid at a quiet pub. People seem to want me to be on their 'team'. People definitely confess far too much to me.

It's odd because I'm obviously not one of those people everyone looks at and thinks they're stunning, but I think I might have it easier than the Goddess-looking women.

Men are quite aggressive still though. But aren't they to all women?

Then again like another PP I also have OCD and am a recovered bulimic. So maybe it had a worse effect than I thought.

But I do get free stuff, mostly drinks, sometimes they even buy my boyfriend one too when I explain I'm with him which I don't quite understand

People trust me, listen to me, want me to like them. I can see it whenever in a group. I am also forgiven for transgressions very very easily, people don't stay mad at me, strangers smile at me and remember me. I've never not got a job I interviewed in person for. I used to make £40 a night in tips as a barmaid at a quiet pub. People seem to want me to be on their 'team'. People definitely confess far too much to me.

I find all of this and I'm not attractive let alone beautiful. I wonder if it makes more of a difference when younger, as even though I wasn't shy I was deffo invisible.

Yes I was, and had lots of the issues referred to in pp. I’m 50+ now and I get a lot of attention, especially if I make some bit of an effort (vanishingly rarely).
It’s like something I can switch on and off though now, and that suits me very well.

I’m really enjoying who I’ve become, inside & out. And I’m not done yet.

Oh I've also been told I'd be much better looking if I could do makeup or my hair but tbh I can't even do a plait and lipstick is always a mess so... I just never bother. Bare face, natural hair for me.

I do wonder if I'd go from pretty to stunning if I was capable, but tbh I have a skin condition and the chemicals scare me. Guess I'll never know if 'taking care' of myself would elevate me to such heights.

Who knows.

@Tallybo

People trust me, listen to me, want me to like them. I can see it whenever in a group. I am also forgiven for transgressions very very easily, people don't stay mad at me, strangers smile at me and remember me. I've never not got a job I interviewed in person for. I used to make £40 a night in tips as a barmaid at a quiet pub. People seem to want me to be on their 'team'. People definitely confess far too much to me.

I find all of this and I'm not attractive let alone beautiful. I wonder if it makes more of a difference when younger, as even though I wasn't shy I was deffo invisible.

It's entirely possible I'm dismissing the effects of my personality as being from my looks. Who knows. I'd like to think people would act the same if I was ugly (hate that word, but I don't mean average I mean ugly - would they behave the same?).

I've also never been shy nor wanted to be invisible though.

Yes I was always lauded as a beauty. Yes it was fabulous. You felt as though you had the world at your feet.

@OldieMama that resonates. Sometimes I have felt like a puppet master.

@NoatheQueen no flaming from me. Your experience is very similar to mine.

Got James Blunt stuck in my head now

I've seen several posters say they expect a flaming for discussing their experiences as beauties but as far as I can see, none of them has got one. And an accusation of the "usual bitchiness from women" or words to that effect, towards one person (so hardly a pile on) who didn't make a bitchy remark, just suggested an alternative reason for something.

I've had women be nasty to me sometimes in my life, and men too of course, but I'm not beautiful.

I didn't feel this way before but on this thread at least, there seems to be an expectation from SOME people that women are by default horrible to beautiful women and any disagreement is down to this. I wonder how much confirmation bias is going on.

I think the key is more confidence rather than just beauty. Younger me I would say never tried to "punch above" too much because I thought it a waste of time.... however looking back I realise

1. There were iat least 3 instances that were obvious opportunities to know a "beautiful" person "better" but I didn't see it.
2. I saw absolutely appalling behaviour against good looking people. At secondary school it was so blatent and awful I half expect some former male pupils to pop up in the news for assaults.

I think it's be careful what you wish for.
I have also noticed as an adult that body image problems do not exclude the prettier people if anything it maybe more prevalent.

Your absolutely right,👍

I think the key is more confidence rather than just beauty.

While I'm sure objective beauty makes a difference, to a great extent I think you're right.

I've noticed a lot of the posters whose experience of beauty has been mostly positive have spoken about how happy and confident their beauty made them feel. Those who report bullying and lack of male attention seem to have had confidence issues; some of them say they didn't even know they were beautiful.

I think - and I am of course generalising - that this kind of thing is less about whether the target is beautiful or not, and more about whether they are awkward and lacking confidence or not. Unacceptable either way, of course, but perhaps not quite so much about pure aesthetics and straightforward envy as we might think; it's not as though ugly kids don't get bullied. Many of us are a bit awkward in our youth while we find our identities and don't know how to make the most of ourselves.

And youth is its own beauty anyway. Someone once said that all young people are beautiful, even the ugly ones.

@DrSbaitso well put. Lots of confirmation bias. We can look at things from whichever angle fits the story we want to tell ourselves.

I had fab face but not the body, always looked like I hadn't hit puberty.
I had huge blue green sleepy eyes and massive hair all natural spiral curls. At 24 I was stunning (looking back at photos) not much confidence though. I'm not keeping my good looks as I age and I miss it. I look in the mirror and sigh as it doesn't look like me anymore. Neck is going, hair has never recovered after chemotherapy and my once sexy eyes are hooded. 😭🤣 still I can always get my face out of my makeup bag and I pass for ok. I think if your born beautiful its harder as you know nothing else. I was freaky looking till my late teens more of a ugly duckling. I have tried grim and pretty. Preferred pretty.

[quote LadyWithLapdog]@DrSbaitso well put. Lots of confirmation bias. We can look at things from whichever angle fits the story we want to tell ourselves.[/quote]
And I've just remembered another!

I used to work in an office which had a very young, pretty and flirtatious girl in it. She was hired by an older woman, if that matters. She was generally nice enough but I remember one time we were queuing up for some sort of treat (can't remember what; Christmas fuddle food or something) and she tried to cut the queue with a pretty smile and something like "oh I'm only little, you don't mind if I squeeze in, do you?" One of the more senior women said, "No, everyone else is waiting normally, go to the back please." She did, but there was a black look on her face and I'm sure that in her mind, it was an example of a jealous, bitchy older woman hating her for being beautiful. It really wasn't.

Funnily enough, I was glad this woman had said it because I wanted to but I was scared that I myself would have been seen as a bitter, jealous hag if I had. When all it was was asking someone to wait their turn fairly like everyone else.

I wonder...maybe, if you're beautiful and get preferential treatment from men over it, women treating you normally just SEEMS bitchy and nasty in comparison?

@DrSbaitso i agree with everything you have said. It's actually quite irritating how the beautiful/attractive/pretty are determined that every incidence is down to that despite use normal folks telling them it isnt.

[quote Ffsseriously]@DrSbaitso i agree with everything you have said. It's actually quite irritating how the beautiful/attractive/pretty are determined that every incidence is down to that despite use normal folks telling them it isnt.[/quote]
I'm sure that many incidents are! I've never been upgraded for free on a flight or had wealthy men rush up to me when I enter a posh hotel lobby for some function. But I do think, based on what people from all perspectives are saying, that confidence, presentation and the inherent appeal of youth may count for more than we think. And there does seem to be a degree of confirmation bias around the "women are so bitchy over it" thing. My own experience of improving my looks significantly was that women were friendlier...as was everyone, but again, I think the fact that I just felt much better in myself had a huge knock on effect. Because even in my prime, I was just nice looking, well presented normal.

DrSabaitso I find your comments a bit gaslighting towards posters talking about bitchiness from other women. I can think a previous job I was bullied out of, I went out of my way to be pleasant, friendly and professional and they were just absolute cowbags. I wasn't expecting any preferential treatment, just to not be constantly undermined and harassed whilst doing my job. I had a friend who would get annoyed at me when men she liked approached me instead, even though I wasn't interested in them and had done nothing to encourage it. I was heartbroken about a failed relationship at the time and needed her support, instead she was spiteful. Other nastiness and constant belittling has come from my own mother before I was even getting any 'preferential' treatment from men. No doubt there will be attractive women who are entitled, but I find that quality is found across women of varying levels of attractiveness and is usually more to do with how people have been brought up.

I think the very beautiful have a different experience as has been acknowledged the pretty and attractive im not so sure their experience is very different from the average looking.
And the bullying out of a job do you know its because of your beauty?
Was that stated the reason I ask is I have seen many people bullied, just this week someone has left my workplace due to bullying, it was not because she is beautiful.
So I dont think anyone is deny or gaslighting but is pointing out that what some people are putting down to one thing may be nothing to do with it.
However only you know your life and the truth we are just pointing out our life experiences.

That was to @Novelusername

I’m not beautiful and never have been. I
Was told I have a ' symmetrical face ' once. Good as it ever got.

😆 The best I’ve heard in my 20s was I got referred to as ‘the fairly attractive girl’ ok thanks. Also got from a family member ‘oh haven’t you got pretty’ also thanks. I guess I was hideous before.

Now in my late 30s if I get any compliments at all it’s from men in their 50s/60s 🤣 I guess I look older than I am 👀