To be beautiful?

[Mindgoneblanko]

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

@DrSbaitso

I've seen several posters say they expect a flaming for discussing their experiences as beauties but as far as I can see, none of them has got one. And an accusation of the "usual bitchiness from women" or words to that effect, towards one person (so hardly a pile on) who didn't make a bitchy remark, just suggested an alternative reason for something.

I've had women be nasty to me sometimes in my life, and men too of course, but I'm not beautiful.

I didn't feel this way before but on this thread at least, there seems to be an expectation from SOME people that women are by default horrible to beautiful women and any disagreement is down to this. I wonder how much confirmation bias is going on.

If you've ever encountered a random stranger on the interrnet accusing you of being spilt, never having worked and being handed everything on a plate, due to some innocuous remark by you where yiur photo is visible, you would ubderstand.

If you've never seen another woman's face literally twisted in a sneer and the dismissive remark when you're right next to them before you get served in a pub before them.

If you've never encountered the unwarranted over-coldness of a man determined to demonstrate how he isn't attracted to you by treating you worse than anyone else.

If you've never been accused by a man you barely know of flirting with other men fur attention (I don't) and using your looks to get ahead.

If you've never encountered that creepy guy who remembers yiur brief visit to a shop 2 years ago...

@CirclesWithinCircles and thats what we are saying I am average and I have had a lot of that happen. Strange men giving me cards/ approaching me declaring love, stange girls being nasty.
I have been accused of trying steal girls boyfriends (when we were young enough fot this sort of nonsense) when I literally didnt know who he was or was completely uninterested.

Well, I think ultimately it was because the ringleader was a narc and the bullying was down to a combination of factors. The bullying started pretty much as soon as I arrived, so not due to anything I did. Whenever I mentioned something like going to the gym or going on a date she seemed to be filled with rage. She was constantly commenting on the food I ate and what I was wearing, like I was being dissected, then gossiping about me. I absolutely don't think it was only to do with the way I look, narcs sniff out their victims for vulnerability, but looks definitely seemed to play a part. She seemed to be insanely jealous, which is strange really as my life was quite crap. Also, as I've previously said, I don't think I'm beautiful but attractive. There was a very pretty woman who worked there who was more secure in herself than me, so she got it a bit, but didn't get the same kind of nastiness I did because she didn't give off the same vulnerable signals as me. In any case, in my experience women can often put up a barrier like that if they feel jealous and act spiteful, they seem to want to punish you.

[quote Ffsseriously]@CirclesWithinCircles and thats what we are saying I am average and I have had a lot of that happen. Strange men giving me cards/ approaching me declaring love, stange girls being nasty.
I have been accused of trying steal girls boyfriends (when we were young enough fot this sort of nonsense) when I literally didnt know who he was or was completely uninterested.[/quote]
You've had your looks specifically given as a reason for many of these things?

Some women can be generally horrible to other women, I agree. Not many, but there's no mistaking it when you see it. That jealous, triumphant sneer on their face when they think they've got one over on you is rarely forgotten. It's really ugly. And I see attractiveness in many 9eople who are not conventionally beautiful - the wisdom of lines in an older ierson, or a really attractive, vibrant personality. But bitter jealousy, when demonstrated, is one of the most ugly things ever to behold.

But if you want to get down to it, I guess one of the key indicators is how very wealthy or important men treat you. I don't want to go into detail as it may be outing, but I've had things given to me for free, with nothing sought in return, worth thousands. Or if other women tell you you're beautiful when you're both drunk (but then spoil it by insisting you've had "assistance").

Lost a job asked to sit on bosses knee told him to piss off got sack. 🤬

@Novelusername that sounds awful and I am sorry that happened to you.
I think that sometimes us average folk just find it a tad annoying that above average folk put everything down to jealousy when it really isn't.
Sometimes it is but often it isnt, and average and below average people get bullied get awful treatment sadly get sexually assaulted.
So the idea that it down to peoples beauty is simply not true. Its an excuse that some mean and nasty people use if it wasn't that it would be something else.
But I apologise if I have made you feel bad or brought up bad memories.

Some random bloke said I must get alot of attention because my friend was so stunning and I could get all her hangerons, I felt very hurt by that but came back with one liner which iam good at. Twenty years later some random bloke said same thing to my other friend about me. She was hurt and said I can get my own men thankyou. She was down so I asked what was wrong. My friend had to hold me back, I wanted to chin him. How dare men just insult woman like that.

@Novelusername

DrSabaitso I find your comments a bit gaslighting towards posters talking about bitchiness from other women. I can think a previous job I was bullied out of, I went out of my way to be pleasant, friendly and professional and they were just absolute cowbags. I wasn't expecting any preferential treatment, just to not be constantly undermined and harassed whilst doing my job. I had a friend who would get annoyed at me when men she liked approached me instead, even though I wasn't interested in them and had done nothing to encourage it. I was heartbroken about a failed relationship at the time and needed her support, instead she was spiteful. Other nastiness and constant belittling has come from my own mother before I was even getting any 'preferential' treatment from men. No doubt there will be attractive women who are entitled, but I find that quality is found across women of varying levels of attractiveness and is usually more to do with how people have been brought up.

Ha. Gaslighting, now? Well, I guess people will have to read my comments and decide that for themselves. Suffice to say, I disagree and would go so far as to say that if you think my thoughts on the issue constitute gaslighting, I really really don't trust you to know other people's motives for what they do.

I am sorry to hear about your experience of workplace bullying. Perhaps it was because you're beautiful; my own experience of workplace bullying was definitely not. Worst case was by a man. It is a common occurrence, sadly. You going "out of your way" to be nice could be taken by some nasty people as a reason to be exploitative (wrongly, of course). I haven't said that all beautiful women expect preferential treatment (is it gaslighting of you to suggest that I did?), but that if you're used to men treating you better than normal, normal treatment by women may look worse in comparison. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it's offensive to posit the theory.

Regarding your "friend", if what pissed her off was men she liked approaching you, then your looks are kind of irrelevant; the issue was that they were interested in you and not her, for whatever reason. The further issue is that this obviously wasn't a friendship so I hope you didn't stay in it for long.

As for your mother, I am very sorry she was abusive but I'm not sure how it's relevant to anything I said. My father was abusive. I'm not beautiful.

I'm not going to get into a further argument about whether your personal experiences of bullying, toxic non-friendships and an abusive mother were down to being beautiful; they might have been, I don't know you, but they're all pretty common experiences. We see women posting about them every day. I'm talking in generalisations and I can assure you that these things certainly happen to ordinary or plain women too.

Ffsseriously I'm not sure where you're going with your comments. If you're experiencing these things too, then perhaps even though you say you're 'average', those who are getting jealous etc. think you're very attractive - it's in the eye of the beholder, after all. What you're saying doesn't negate what others are describing if it happens to you too. I do think a lot of women probably experience these things, just that the more attractive among us experiencing it far more. Jealousy may be partly to do with how someone looks, but there's always a combination of factors.

Ffsseriously just seen your reply - that's really nice of you, thank-you. I absolutely agree with you that the problem is nasty people.

Looks fade, and it must be very upsetting if you're beautiful, and used to the attention, and it suddenly stops coming your way!

@Novelusername fair enough I think there isnt more to say, I was merely offering a different perspective.

I'm not absolutely stunning but I've been told throughout my life I'm beautiful/attractive.
I'm happy with how I look.

At a Xmas party years ago, DH introduced me to his boss, who rather than acknowledge me just commented enthusiastically "Corr, didn't you do well mate?!"
Much of the rest of the night I was leered at by various different men, none of which wanted to actually speak to me.

I've been wolf whistled, sexually assaulted, told to smile, had lewd comments made to me
and now at 39, the being 'checked out' continues.
My son (15) the other day said 'That guy was looking at you a bit creepy like' and I told him I know and advised him never to do it himself. I said if you see a woman you think is attractive and you think for a second you're gawping, just smile at her then look away. FGS don't continue to stare and then pop a disgusting little smirk.

I'm reasonably confident as a result of how I look.

None of this is meant to sound "up myself". I'm not stunning. It's just how it's been/is for me.

DrSabaitso as you don't trust my judgement (the ultimate in gaslighting, surely) I won't waste my time replying.

@Novelusername

DrSabaitso as you don't trust my judgement (the ultimate in gaslighting, surely) I won't waste my time replying.

If you think reasoned disagreement is gaslighting, then yes, I think it would be a waste of time.

Also, my own mother has tried to bring me down my whole life, telling me certain features I have resemble those of my aunt, whom she hates because she is pretty.

There’s never going to be a definitive answer as everyone’s experiences will vary as personalities do. And everyone here is probably either overestimating or underestimating their looks. 😂

Reading this thread I realise you can’t equate men’s treatment of you with beauty. A lot of men are just creepy and their egos very very fragile.

I remember once walking down a street in Budapest and there just loads of 6ft plus tall stunners. We must of been near a model agency or something, because it was like wandering into Rivendell in lord of the rings. That was a totally alien level of beauty. Never seen it in real life since.

I used to be beautiful. Then I got married and had kids and I put on loads of weight. Most people still look beautiful even if they gain weight but I am not one of those people. My face changed. Everything changed. People used to want to be my friend, mums at school would invite me for coffee or drinks regularly. When I gained the weight I suddenly became invisible. I then started a strict diet, lost a huge amount of weight, started looking after myself a lot more. Suddenly I was inundated with invitations to go out again. I couldn’t do the school run without being bombarded by chatty mums. It made me hate the world. I’m now back to being overweight and depressed and I am now invisible once again. People suck.

Beautiful people have to constantly negotiate unwanted sexual attention, which why most of them wish they could be invisible.

The grass is always greener on the other side OP, so just be happy and enjoy yourself; after all, it really is later than you think!

Being beautiful is a blessing and a curse. Unwanted attention from men, and the failure of several friendships with women because their lecherous partners made a move on me. On the plus side, doors do open for you and I've had some amazing opportunities because of my looks. But I have had to work hard at being appreciated for my mind. I went so far as to obtain a PhD to prove to myself that I had more to offer than just a beautiful face. But even in the world of academia women have accused me of using my looks to climb the career ladder...I haven't, but it has left me feeling insecure about my academic ability, i.e. did I get that promotion because of my looks? So, yes it's wonderful being beautiful, but it does have its downsides.

As this is an anonymous forum, I will be candid and honest (while inwardly cringing at the words I am about to type). I have always been told I'm beautiful, and it has made me feel good, of course. I'm 46 now and my looks haven't faded (yet!) I'd love to say that being thought of as very good looking didn't matter anymore, but if I am honest with myself, it still does matter to me. I wish it didn't as it will be hard for me when I'm not seen in the same way as I have for all my life. I will deal with it though, as long as my DH still loves me, that's all that matters really. I will still be the best that I can be but I don't think I'll go down the facelift route! I hope to have the strength of character to see I'm more than my looks when they fade.

Being v attractive has, without any doubt, been a huge advantage. But I have seen the way I have been treated compared to others, sometimes v blatant favouritism that has made me feel quite uncomfortable. I'm an empathetic type and hate to see people hurt. I guess I will be on the other side of that in a few years which will be quite humbling I'm sure although, contrary to how I may come across here, I have always been fairly self deprecating.

Despite my looks, I have had some v challenging relationships with men, and I can only say I am truly happy now with my lovely DH, whom I met in my early 40s. Before that it was all drama, stress and heartache, so life has certainly not been easier for me when it comes to relationships!

@Iamaperiwinkle

The most woman I know is truly stunning. She often posts a picture with no makeup and out running -no filter etc and she looks like a young gorgeous Jennifer Aniston -just like a gazelle with beautiful limbs etc. She wears literally no make up and just looks unbelievable. She is a top professional in the cosmetic industry but easily passes for a top model.

However, she was raped at 14 on a cruise ship, raped again twice at university and raped a 4th time whilst on a placement overseas for year odd placement at university. At this point she started going off the rails with drink and drugs. She has been treated in the most awful way by mainly rich and abusive men.

Shortly after the last rape she started her job and was drinking and parting hard and in pieces as her parents had been married for years and she wanted that. Her Mum was a top model. Shortly after she met her husband. A good looking, upper class professional man.

Her husband once commented that he had seen her picture on their mutual company website and 'decided to marry her' there and then-he changed office and moved into her spare room as a lodger and became her shoulder to cry on and then married her 12 months later. I found it very odd that he admitted this is what he had done 5-10 years after their marriage and having children with her. Almost like he waited until she was dumped by a real twat and then swooped in -he says he chose her purely based on looks, she calls him her 'knight' for rescuing her from abusive men. I'm wary of him. He clearly adores her and believes he has met his true dream woman. But the whole situation is odd.

That’s awful poor poor women. It’s shocking.

As an aside, just because you mentioned her, I think Jenifer Aniston is very attractive and has aged very well, better than Jolie, however.... I wouldn’t ever describe her as beautiful.

She’s quite the exception to the norm and looks incredible and looks great at every which angle, but in theory it shouldn’t work but somehow it does. She has stunning eyes, gorgeous hair and a great figure but the rest of her features aren’t amazing, yet she still looks incredible.

I just wanted to add my experience of other women picking me apart for my looks, this isn't maybe/maybe not this is directly because of my looks.

• at uni I found out from a friend that a few girls were bitching about my looks (I didn't know these girls) but they referred to me as the 'box of chocolates' because of how I looked and everyone wanted a piece
• later doing my post grad, very small course the 'cool' girls didn't want anything to do with me, I found it so hurtful (luckily I had other friends) but it turns out the 'hot' guy fancied me and not them so they turned on me (btw I am so oblivious to this kinda thing I didn't realise until I got told)
• a housemate drunkenly got annoyed at me and said well you can have anyone you want because you're blonde and beautiful and got in a huff. I was shocked because we're good friends and I was never aware my looks to her had been noticed.

And another one .... In a takeaway end of a night out (classy) and the bloke next to me is looking me up and down, he was drunk but he starts a tirade of abuse telling me I am disgusted and selfish and he hates me due to wait for it....all the plastic surgery I've had! Yes he was drunk but he kept referring to my face and why would I get plastic surgery especially on my cheekbones I don't think I look like I've had any plastic surgery, he was drunk but it made me so paranoid about my face. Also when you're not really nice to men and don't welcome their advances they get really nasty and say you're a stuck up bitch etc but that's just men probably

I do think a lot of it is to do with confidence. I remember reading an article as a teenager about how someone lacked confidence when talking to boys so she decided to pretend she was Susan George (women of a certain age will remember her!) and suddenly she was so much more attractive. I was an attractive woman-especially when I decided to let my nerdy but jokey side dominate and never had problem attracting men. But I shared a flat with a true beauty who when you first saw her, you had to gasp. I got used to being ignored by men when we were out as they wanted to talk to her-in a group one man just stopped what he was saying to say he couldn’t stop looking at her eyes. She used to get numbers passed to her on the tube. She’s still beautiful on her fifties. However, she although she accepted she was beautiful, she never let it define her and it wasn’t the most interesting thing about her. And she is charming and interested in people and is truly beautiful inside too.