To be beautiful?

[Mindgoneblanko]

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

CateJW, when you have time for yourself again, and a little more slack in your budget and more time, it will be straightforward to switch back to the well groomed version of you. You understand what is entailed in looking that way.

This thread is a sad reminder of how looks can advance and/or haunt a person really. I think it has negative and positive impacts, to be beautiful.

I have never really had this conversation with anyone but many people have told me I am beautiful. I am not sure if this happens to other people because there’s no way I can ask anyone ‘do you think i am beautiful?’ Or even ‘do a lot of people tell you you’re beautiful?’ without sounding like a twat. I went through a period where I felt I lost my looks because I put on some weight due to an illness and it took a good few years to get it under control. I like myself when I am in one of my slimmer periods. People still told me i wss beautiful when I was larger but it was often along with ‘voluptuous’. Sometimes I catch sigur of myself in a mirror and I look awful but if I look at myself face-on and I have make up on I think I can look alright. I also seem to be quite lucky in photos. I am 46 now though so it’s all going slowly south. But I am still told I am beautiful. Not all the time, no one is fawning over me (is that the right spelling of fawning) but I guess now people think I ‘look good for my age’. I can see myself more objectively, sometimes looking nice and at other times really not looking nice at all.

My dp always comments on women's looks. "She's pretty". So presumably he's happy with my looks - not that I consider myself beautiful at all! I think most men respond to a nice looking female. It's just a man thing. I prefer a man with a gsoh, which luckily my man has got!

I'm not beautiful but from others' reactions to me I seem to be pretty. My mother and sister, who I don't ressemble, were complete bitches to me. They constantly told me I was fat and ugly, which contributed to me developing an eating disorder. I was bullied by boys at school who later tried to hit on me. The sexual harassment has been horrendous, and still is something that makes me wary every time I leave the house now in my 40s. I'm well-educated and am constantly treated like I'm an idiot. I've had male friends I valued who turned out not to be friends at all. I've been bullied out of jobs by bitchy women. I've had few real friends, they often get jealous and competitive when men approach me first - something I couldn't give a shit about. I think, unfortunately, because my home life led me to have low self-esteem, I haven't been able to use whatever good looks I have to my advantage. I've relied too much on other people's opinions of me throughout my life, and they were just attracted to how I looked rather than who I am, so my relationships have all been quite empty. How you feel in your own skin is so much more important than how you look. I'm starting to get more comfortable in my own skin as I get older, but it's a battle.

@XingMing
Thanks! Here is hoping.
For now I try and focus on the blessings I have, beautiful kiddies and lovely home, fab friends.
It's hard to change a mindset of a lifetime though!!
Logically I know appearances aren't more important than what I have.
Doesn't make the mirror my friend though!!

@CurlyhairedAssassin male dominated as in what is sold the workforce in general has a mixture of men and women but more men. What we sell is 90% to men and it’s a marketing role selling all the products etc your blatantly told to be very friendly to the clients.
I don’t know why your questioning me like I’m lying about it 🙄

Haven't read the whole thread. But similar experiences to those posting above who don't consider themselves above average attractiveness.

I find the happier I become the more irresistible I become to other people men/women/children

In my early 40s now and I can honestly say I get as much attention from men (all ages) -and a few women - as I did in my 20s. But without the negatives reported by the really beautiful amongst you. Almost all my interactions with men have been positive, and those that haven't have merely been annoying, not dangerous.

'You can be gorgeous at 30, charming at 40 and irresistible for the rest of your life' - Coco Chanel

And can I just add this, Estee Lauder said 'there are no ugly women, just lazy ones' being an ex cosmetic professional I second this. Unhappy? Buy a lipstick. Preferably British, we need the business. Less calories than wine!

[quote CurlyhairedAssassin]@maria860

I don't know whether you realise it but your values sound all twisted:

I’ve got a decent job on average intelligence because I knew the Boss liked me and I got a front facing roll in a male dominated environment which I don’t even like because I’m naturally shy when it comes to men and can’t flirt to save my life lol

Interested to know what kind of job this was, and why you say you don't like it because you're shy and can't flirt. In most male-dominated environments it's assumed you have to be "one of the lads" not flirt, as you suggest.[/quote]
My
Values defo aren’t twisted I got a decent job because the boss was sleazy it happens. So no my values aren’t twisted because of that .
Always a bitchy comment on posts on here from people who don’t know you from Adam ! Hence the bitchness from women similar to you my whole life. Won’t be commenting back so wouldn’t waste my time on a reply .

Novelusername, perhaps most of your problems stem from your mother and sister. While I can't understand why any woman would do that to another women, it clearly does happen. Can you find an avenue, any avenue, in which you could develop personal respect for yourself, rather than having it bestowed for the way you look? Self-respect is the first and most important part of earning respect. Understanding, and trusting in your own competence to get the job done (regardless of beauty/otherwise), and then getting it done, and not quitting when it gets tough also matters. Forget pretty for a while, perhaps, and just focus on being good at what you do. Women are not only valued as decoration, although some of the posts on this thread suggest just that.

I've got to agree with you whole heartedly. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, myself &my eldest sister are not pretty in any way but my middle sister & brother look like model's. Honestly I have often felt cheated out of look's and definitely get treated differently. In school I was just the funny one & had a small group of friends. In adult life I have just two friends from school 30 odd year's ago but no friends apart from that. Where as my friends & sister who are beautiful looking have many friends. They get lots of attention & I have often felt jealous of their lives compared to my own. I am married & a mum where as my sister remained childless. She has had many relationship's but they've all failed but mainly because she is just too much of a free spirit. I find people who aren't pretty in any way just give up and concentrate on different thing's like family & often put themselves last where as pretty people put themselves first and maybe that's the answer. Maybe pretty people keep striving towards their own goals to be the best and always be a winner.

I was an ugly child and became very beautiful. It lasted about twenty years and has mostly left me now. It was great in many respects, it meant I had an easier time in some ways. Female jealousy was horrendous though. I also didn’t always behave well, I saw it as my right to have attention from ALL the men. Awful. The worst part for me was that I didn’t know how to validate myself - I was so used to being praised I didn’t know how to value myself without it. It’s taken a few years to sort that side of things. Beauty doesn’t last and the adoration is just meaningless.

@Ffsseriously

I believe some of you are beautiful but some of the experiences put down to beauty are all things that have happened to me and i am no beauty. People like to be kind so I have had men helping me and going out of their way for me. Never gone for a job and not got it, never liked a man who hasnt liked me back. Had loads of friends partners try it on (some men are arseholes). Men have stopped in their tracks to tell me they fancy me, had ex boyfriends still tell me they love me after i dump them one hung out of a car shouting they loved me. And seriously I am average at best. And I would say I know /work with a lot of beautiful young girls there is an undoubted beauty to youth. undoubtedly some of you are beautiful which is different, and brings more advantages and disadvantages than average. My average at best looks have brought the same as the im very attractive /pretty brigade.

I can tell you that all this doesn't happen if you're less attractive than average or if you're ugly. Maybe it happens to everyone from average up or maybe you're more attractive than you realise?

I'm one of those people who got better looking as I got older and have been called 'beautiful' on numerous occasions - by men and women. I'd say I probably peaked between the ages of 35 and 45 (when I also had many single years). It benefited me to the point that I had no trouble getting a date. It had absolutely zero effect on my work life. The downside? As a single parent it was very hard to make friends with other parents. Women didn't want you near their husbands and men were too scared to talk to you in case their wives thought you were flirting with them. Looking back, I can tell (from the friendships that I did make) who had the secure marriages.

V attractive friend found people in awe, and would not approach her tho she was friendly

Always a bitchy comment on posts on here from people who don’t know you from Adam ! Hence the bitchness from women similar to you my whole life.

I followed the exchange between you and the other poster and I didn't think she was bitchy. The comment about your values was a bit personal but that's it. And it can't be to do with your looks because she can't see you. She just said that in her experience, male dominated fields hire women who they think can fit in with the lads. I think you said yourself that you couldn't understand why they put you in a position where you were expected to flirt? Maybe you weren't expected to flirt?

Thinking again about the woman who very wrongly thought her looks were the reason she didn't fit in to my art group, I'm now wondering how many of these "women are bitchy to me because I'm beautiful" experiences really did happen as the poster believes they did, for the reasons they think. Would go along with this phenomenon of beautiful women putting certain experiences down to their beauty, when a normal looking person like me has had much of the same sort of stuff, good and bad.

I've no doubt being beautiful makes a difference but now I'm wondering how much exactly. A lot of it could be down just to being young, which is its own beauty.

XingMing thanks for your lovely answer. I've been working on myself a lot these last few years, trying to unpick all the damage. Reading feminist literature and in fact Mumsnet has been good for that. I am definitely not the same people pleaser I once was and am focussed on pursuing my own goals for myself nowadays. I remember if I hadn't been out on the town in a while and got some attention from men I'd feel empty, all quite pathetic. After I was sexually assaulted I intentionally let myself go a bit to try to become more invisible. I don't think that's the right attitude either - I think it's a good thing to take a pride in one's appearance, but for one's own sake, and it shouldn't be top of the list of priorities. I don't even think I'm all that, but quite Scandinavian looking and it tends to attract the worst kind of attention.

I've not read the thread but being attractive when younger and being shy was massively helpful.. People would make convo with me, seem more interested.. It would be easier to generate interest, always asking where x dresss from or jewelry etc.
Definitely helpful!!

I'm really notice the difference now I'm about 5 stone heavier...

Not "beautiful" as in willowy and effortless, but have been described as "stunning" since I was about 13.

It's always been very weird because people associate the way I look with a certain set of behaviours or attitudes (precious and aloof) whereas I'm the exact opposite. You couldn't crowbar me into typically "girly" clothing without a fight and I like power tools and mud.

I've definitely noticed that i have an easier time generally, but a lot of men have wanted to 'take me down a peg or two.' That's quite upsetting, I'm just living my life and there they are making sure I 'don't get above myself. Never had that problem with women as far as I'm aware.

My best friend is beautiful and was when we were young too. Other women (an aunt) in particular were very jealous and nasty. I witnessed this from 14 years onwards. One day, simply offering birthday cake to everyone but not her. Just awful! She a d I have never forgotten it a d that was one simple example

Try reading “The beauty myth” by Naomi Wolfe. It was many many years ago that I read it. It explains that no one ( no woman) can ever be happy following the beauty ideal. Changed my life.

I was a bit of a looker in my teens. It benefitted me by helping me make friends, I didn’t even have to try - which as a quiet girl was very helpful! I didn’t get all that much unwanted male attention though as I had a very cute/sweet look and boys around my age saw me as more of a little sister figure.

A friend of mine is best friends with a 'heads turn when she walks in' kind of girl. Over the years where we would have been out most Friday nights the amount of guys and girls that have said she's probably a cow without having talked to her is shocking. And she'd randomly get looks from girls she didn't know all the time.

I'll get absolutely flamed for this but the OP hit a nerve with me.
My whole life has been about my looks. As a child dinner ladies, teachers, strangers would comment to my mum how beautiful I was. as a kid yes I was beautiful.
Growing up I thought it was normal that my looks were mentioned on a daily basis by anyone and everyone.
I was extremely shy and anxious as a kid and young adult and this nearly destroyed me, it made me extremely critical of how I looked and I hated myself and always felt like I could/should look better.
I never ever thought I was any better than anyone else, in fact I thought I was pretty lousy.
Inside I was dealing with OCD, depression and developed an eating disorder but yet I still got told how life was so easy for me because of how I looked
I never had a nice, meaningful relationship. Nice Boys didn't ask me out. The shallow arseholes asked me out.
As a kid I looked a lot older men would leer and cat call and it seemed I was up for grabs.
I was very innocent as a kid ffs.
I feel my mental health was directly effected by my looks and assumptions made.

Now I am older I take it in my stride and I don't know, maybe I should be grateful. The other day I was walking my mum's dog and bumped in to her neighbour. My mum told me he'd said oh I met your daughter and she is very beautiful....now I do take it as a compliment and I own it rather than feel shame or embarrassment.

It also took me much longer to meet my husband and settle down, dating was horrendous but....
I'm also aware I've been treated well or differently because of my looks, I've been given free things and I know if I ask for money off I'll get it (if it's a bloke!).
Throughout my life I've been approached by men out and about, walking down the street, when I've been (crying) in a cafe and asked out pretty much a few times a week, or men want to come and talk to you and get an ego boost from having me respond. And yes I suppose this does help with my ego too. I've never been on a date where I haven't been asked out again (regardless of no spark/no similarities) I do also think it's helped in interviews and meeting people for the first time...they assume you've got your shit together (even though I don't) and want to get to know you.

I am still critical of my looks and would say because of my experiences I place a lot of value on how I look, it's mentally draining.

God knows if it's a blessing or a curse.