To be beautiful?

[Mindgoneblanko]

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

I felt really beautiful the year I met my husband.

I honestly think it’s the confidence you can exude at times that draws others towards you. Maybe?

The night I met him (26 years ago) I’d just come back from holiday, felt refreshed and healthy from being in the sun for two weeks. Went out with friends and had lots of attention, husband being one of them. It really sounds shallow but I felt on top of the world that night. Silly really, as people can be shallow judging on looks alone.

I’m in my 50’s now, often get told I look younger, often don’t believe people, but I’m happy in my own skin, even though I’m nothing like I was when I was younger. I’m more confident though which again, is beautiful in itself.

For a while, I had a profession based on looks when I was younger. I'm not a vain, narcissistic type of person but knew pragmatically I could earn money from my looks. If I was super clever I would have been a doctor or scientist. As I've aged I have pretty much taken it as it is, considered some treatments then decided nah! Seriously I came to hate the attention, intrusion, jealously and had to go off the radar for my sanity. I had fake friends & good friends, stupid declarations of love, stalkers & criminal damage by an obsessed twat. Luckily my DH & DC's kept me grounded & sane.

I believe some of you are beautiful but some of the experiences put down to beauty are all things that have happened to me and i am no beauty.
People like to be kind so I have had men helping me and going out of their way for me.
Never gone for a job and not got it, never liked a man who hasnt liked me back.
Had loads of friends partners try it on (some men are arseholes). Men have stopped in their tracks to tell me they fancy me, had ex boyfriends still tell me they love me after i dump them one hung out of a car shouting they loved me.
And seriously I am average at best.
And I would say I know /work with a lot of beautiful young girls there is an undoubted beauty to youth.
undoubtedly some of you are beautiful which is different, and brings more advantages and disadvantages than average. My average at best looks have brought the same as the im very attractive /pretty brigade.

@Ffsseriously I agree. In my youth, I was beeped at by cars, followed by men, approached by three men at once to ask me out whilst sunbathing on a beach, had guys fancy me and ask me out etc etc..I’d say I was attractive when younger, but not beautiful. I’m talking about beautiful, something that won’t likely fade by 32/35...my friend is still v beautiful at 43, she obviously has a few likes around her eyes and so on, but is a classic beauty and still turns many heads and I’m guessing always will. Youthfulness is generally very attractive, when I look back at the pics of me in a bikini with my great figure, tan and perfect skin, I could cry! So wish I’d made the most of it, but again, I wasn’t beautiful, not even pretty.

*Lines around her eyes

I was an average looking, chatty, funny child who lost all her puppy weight at 15, and although I didn't realise it at the time, surprisingly had a beautiful face. Things changed. Girls at school became bitchy and I was gradually ousted and pretty much a loner. Guys I hardly knew would ring up to ask me out. At Uni I was asked to every function,and random guys would turn up at my digs to ask me out, but had few female friends. Interestingly, the ones I did make, I still have. We have the same sense or humour. Not realising I was beautiful, I continued to diet and was generally a size 10, but slightly miserable for it! Wandered around with just a bit of mascara and a lipsalve, hardly brushing by naturally wavy hair, but dressing quite well. Like other people, I have also had men turn nasty when I have declined their attentions, and this lead to a couple of serious physical assaults. On the plus side I have got every job I have ever applied for. (thought everyone did) But at work I would get women pointing out if I had gained a couple of pounds, so lived on slim soups. I have had hairdressers giving me free cuts if they can take my picture, asked to be carnival Queen, a photographer stop me in the street to take some pics, airline and hotel upgrades, men sending drinks over whilst out with my DH, all sorts of weird stuff, some a bit too wacky to mention here. (Not mentioning the well known journalist who asked me for one night of pleasure to look into my eyes....creepy!) Lucky for me I met a guy who also did not realise he was good looking, and we have a long happy marriage. He looks like a male model, but is a wacky, nerdy, funny scientist. The extreme beauty thing lasted until I was 40. Funnily the penny only really dropped when I ran into an old male friend from Uni, who said I was so beautiful some guys were scared to approach me, and that I could have had my pick of anyone.Looking back at the old photos, I could sort of see what they saw, I had a sort of fifties starlet vibe, but that was just my face and figure. For me, my mind was what mattered surely? Then I basically stopped my extreme dieting in middle age. I noticed that women were nicer to me in general and still are, and I am happier in myself, I think. My DH loves me just as much. My DD tells me I am beautiful, but that is not just for my face any more. I tell both my children they are beautiful every day. I wish the bad stuff had not happened, just caused by random genetics giving me a "perfect" nose and high cheek bones! I didn't earn my good looks, it was just a roll of the dice. Hopefully I have earned my loving and wonderful family. Sorry if this sounds a little bit preachy but I want to add that we should not be bitchy to anyone for their looks whatever they may be. Get to know the person - you might like them! :) Hope this helps, OP.

The most woman I know is truly stunning. She often posts a picture with no makeup and out running -no filter etc and she looks like a young gorgeous Jennifer Aniston -just like a gazelle with beautiful limbs etc. She wears literally no make up and just looks unbelievable. She is a top professional in the cosmetic industry but easily passes for a top model.

However, she was raped at 14 on a cruise ship, raped again twice at university and raped a 4th time whilst on a placement overseas for year odd placement at university. At this point she started going off the rails with drink and drugs. She has been treated in the most awful way by mainly rich and abusive men.

Shortly after the last rape she started her job and was drinking and parting hard and in pieces as her parents had been married for years and she wanted that. Her Mum was a top model. Shortly after she met her husband. A good looking, upper class professional man.

Her husband once commented that he had seen her picture on their mutual company website and 'decided to marry her' there and then-he changed office and moved into her spare room as a lodger and became her shoulder to cry on and then married her 12 months later. I found it very odd that he admitted this is what he had done 5-10 years after their marriage and having children with her. Almost like he waited until she was dumped by a real twat and then swooped in -he says he chose her purely based on looks, she calls him her 'knight' for rescuing her from abusive men. I'm wary of him. He clearly adores her and believes he has met his true dream woman. But the whole situation is odd.

I used to be beautiful (still reasonably am, though less so in my mid 40s), but I am also painfully shy, so tried to avoid all the attention as much as I could, which in turn made people think that I was cold and standoffish - I really am not. I was lucky to have good friends, who got to know the real me and didn’t care.

Often people assumed that I was either stupid or a bitch.
I remember once overhearing my boss saying to his friend about me ‘look at that ass. With an ass like that you don’t need to have any brains.’ I was 20 and a very brainy Uni student. I didn’t wear that skirt ever again.
I also was determined to achieve everything by myself, but now wish that I took the advantage of my looks more as people assumed that I was doing it anyway. Afterall, looks are the commodity and men use it, when they can. I feel like I made my life unnecessarily harder on myself.

I was considered beautiful for many years when younger. People would stop me in the street and tell me but I was never entirely comfortable with it. People were usually nice to me, though some women would take an instant dislike and I had to fend off lots of unwanted attention from men. I wasn't a confident person and often wished I was invisible. I also felt there was a disconnect between how I looked and who I really was. I seldom dressed up because I felt embarrassed to be drawing attention to myself.

I'm in my fifties now and look fine but I still don't dress up. I can't imagine looking like someone other than me but I would say that a strong personality and sense of direction is more desirable than beauty. Those are the qualities I would wish for young women.

Thinking about this thread does make me wonder how it would have been to have lived my life looking a different way but I realise it's very hard to imagine someone else's experience.

@Iamaperiwinkle ew. That’s incredibly creepy. I suppose if you’d had the terrible past she’d had you could confuse it for romantic, but... no.

I don't have experience myself haha, but one of my friends is absolutely stunning. She only sees the negatives- she was bullied relentlessly at school, at work people comment she must have got where she is because of her looks, a lot of her exes didn't really bother to get to know her they seemed more interested in having her on their arm for appearance sake, we have a few men in our wider friendship circle and when they have got into relationships over the years the women have always been wary of her and the friendships have waned (us ugly fuckers are fine too). However she does and always has been treated in lots of positive ways too, but doesn't acknowledge it as I guess she doesn't know any different.

My niece 23, is absolutely stunning, clever, funny and generally a lovely person. She still gets messed around by men all the time. The most recent ahem “gentleman” of hers was really keen for around 4 months and then ghosted her! So I don’t think it’s as advantageous as people think.
I am average looking and me and DH have been together over 19 years! I think I felt my most confident and I guess “pretty” at around 30-33 but this was mainly down to confidence and exercise improving my body shape. I was invisible in my 20’s with young DC and had zero confidence.

Yes it's great.
I go into interactions and expect favourable and warm treatment.
This in turn has influenced me to go into interactions with a warmth and generosity that I think gets reflected back to me - and so it goes in an upward spiral.

@Sarahtrue11

Also men seem to think that they are entitled to you because they are attracted to you.

I remember in my good looking years, if a man tried it on with me and I said no, so many of them accused me of "leading them on". Eh, no I just said hello to you.

This actually happened the other way around to me recently. And I was able to see it from the other side! J

ust before Covid, I was at a meetup group. There was a really stunning, tall, blonde, muscled man there, oh he was gorgeous, like a viking. He came over and started talking to me, and I thought he liked me. But I realised later, that he was just being polite, and that it was because I was attracted to HIM, that I thought he liked me. We see what we want to see.

That is how many men were with me when I was younger. They liked me so they thought I liked them.

This is so true. The psychology of it is really interesting. Following on from that I wonder what the impact of modern-day "adornment" has on healthy relationships. i.e. expertly self-applied HD makeup and fake lashes, tan, extensions etc. If, on a night out, men approach women who really make the most of average looks, because they have looked on youtube and practised their makeup techniques and spent hours on their appearance on a night out and look stunning, is it just superficial men who approach those women? It really narrows the field for women if normal, nice men are too intimidated to approach them and only the superficial men do.

And what happens if such men start a relationship with them and they see the woman looking average or even quite plain without all their makeup etc. Do they start to lose interest if the attraction was based solely on looks and their personalities didn't match up? That would destroy a woman's confidence, surely, if that happened too often and eventually they'd lose faith that there are decent men out that who DON'T value women purely for their looks. They could just settle...

I really wish the likes of Love Island and Naked Attraction would just do one. They are perpetuating the false notion that finding a mate is based purely on looks.

@Ffsseriously

I believe some of you are beautiful but some of the experiences put down to beauty are all things that have happened to me and i am no beauty. People like to be kind so I have had men helping me and going out of their way for me. Never gone for a job and not got it, never liked a man who hasnt liked me back. Had loads of friends partners try it on (some men are arseholes). Men have stopped in their tracks to tell me they fancy me, had ex boyfriends still tell me they love me after i dump them one hung out of a car shouting they loved me. And seriously I am average at best. And I would say I know /work with a lot of beautiful young girls there is an undoubted beauty to youth. undoubtedly some of you are beautiful which is different, and brings more advantages and disadvantages than average. My average at best looks have brought the same as the im very attractive /pretty brigade.

I'm glad you said it. My experience is similar.

@Gobbeldegook

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

This. My DP says I'm beautiful 😍.... I'm pretty ordinary, overweight and never turn a head anymore but it's irrelevant what the majority think.

Beauty is as beauty does, as my mum used to say x

Yes, Givemetulips, I think that proper animal-type attraction (if we're talking about a good match genetically) encompasses so many different things apart from looks. I think real attraction of the biological type, ensuring great genes are passed on, is so so complicated and multi-faceted.

There's definitely a different between objective "beauty" and attraction. The latter is healthy, the first not so much.

Former model here. I used to be considered beautiful in my 20’s; now I’m a bit older (late 30’s) & I look after myself as much as I can. Still get told I’m pretty, I’ve “got the looks, etc. I’m happier now that I’m not out there being photographed, having people, strangers, looking at me. Unfortunately like @Sarahtrue11 I had some very nasty experiences involving women when I was in my 20’s, one of whom was so bitchy to me that she drove me out of a job I loved. I was beaten up at school a number of times by another girl. On one occasion she attacked me so badly I had panic attacks & stopped going in for a while. The girl was expelled. But I’ve suffered with severe anxiety ever since.

I was sexually abused on a bus by a man. I was raped at 17. I had a woman at work lock herself in a toilet cubicle with me when I was drunk & kiss me/push herself on me.

I carry a lot of fear of other people. They are dangerous, & for the most part in my life at least, have played menacing roles with the threat of real physical aggression.

@WorraLiberty

Threads like this tend to bring all the Samantha Bricks to the yard and you can guarantee they won't have a shred of posting history between them 😁

What’s a Samantha brick?

As well as the positives, I've also had the negatives; I had a female bully at work, a group of nasty girls at school. But I'm not beautiful. Some of the women who have treated me badly were unquestionably prettier than I am; indeed, I always thought that was the reason.

I'm sure that being beautiful brings a different life experience to being plain but I'm starting to wonder how many of these things, both good and bad, are attributable to it. Some of these posts by beautiful women describe my own experience.

I think looking good is generally advantageous in life, although there are drawbacks.

I can make myself reasonably attractive with a lot- bit of work; unruly hair lightened and straightened into a sleek bob, make up to hide flaws, a lot of effort to stay slim and fit. I think people react more favourably to me than on days where I scrape my hair up and skip make up.

I find men let me out at road junctions very often and that doesn't happen when dh is driving. I've decided that's simply because I look alright and have blonde hair. Ridiculous really

I have wondered how great it must be to roll out of bed looking all tousled and gorgeous with no effort. One of those women that can wake up and throw on their husband's shirt and just look amazing. Sigh.

@AndromedaGal all of that is absolutely awful but sadly its part of my past and lots of women's and girls. I think sadly being bullied by girls and boys being assaulted by men is frighteningly common, and NOTHING to do with looks.

I was quite striking looking when I was younger, but I was super down to earth with it. I didn't have the confidence in my looks to match, but I was a confident person in general. I can now kind of see it for what it was, since I've been overweight for years. 😅

There are pros and cons.

I had a lot of male friends, whom I later worked out may have been interested in more than friendship. That was okay too, they weren't pushy or creepy about it.

I can't deny it was flattering having so many men interested in you. I enjoyed the attention, looking back. I also had a lot of good looking boyfriends, it was like being a kid in a sweet shop. Literally almost every guy I expressed an interest in was interested. I spent five years from 16 to 21 just wowed by how many gorgeous guys I snagged. That was exhilarating, if also a massive emotional roller-coaster. Looks don't sustain a relationship nor do they change a philanderer into a faithful boyfriend.

Also I suspect I got away with more stuff because people genuinely have a "halo" effect of being good looking. They assume some kind of saintliness "can do no wrong".

Women were a mixed bag. There was a lot of jealousy, not necessarily of looks but of confidence and success with men.

Massive downside: lots of my friends boyfriends, sometimes the love of their lives, tried it on with me behind their backs. That was horrible. I was never interested in a single one of them, but a good number of them used the defence of "she tried it on with me" (to which I would think - yuk). In a couple of cases, it led to the end of friendships because they sadly believed the guy. It left me with a lasting mistrust, I ended up genuinely thinking that all men were total bastards.

This them in turn happened to me with a boyfriend trying it on with my (more beautiful) friend. I believed her, having experienced it so many times. I just haven't ever really noticed women trying it on with their friends boyfriends.

Also it never helped me make female friends, which would have been more useful. Maybe coincidence?

I was ‘schoolgate & play-date’ friends with a stunning woman, tall, thin, superb high cheekbones,
great smile etc.
I bumped into her last year, we’re both in our early 50’s. OMG What a big plastic mess she’s made of her face, the surgery did not preserve her beauty, she looked exactly what she is - like an older woman who had desperately tried to remain young and beautiful.
I think when you’re constantly told how beautiful you are - and she was, when it’s fading it must feel like such a loss, such a huge part of ones identity - gone.
Personally I love being 50, invisible and not having those expectations of beauty that are pressed on us when young. And with my mummy tummy and wrinkled brow I look a damn site better that my ex-beauty friend. It was sad to see.