To be beautiful?

[Mindgoneblanko]

Aibu to want to be beautiful and to wonder what it must be like to be beautiful and know you’re beautiful? How does it feel, if you are?
Have you been aware of having more opportunities in life, people being nicer to you etc, based on your looks, or has it been detrimental in any way?
For the record, I’m not hideous, ok I’d say or was when younger, but definitely not highly attractive/very pretty/beautiful

Radiohead I'm laughing at the comments made by your MIL and SIL. It reminds me of my sister, I was always referred to as "the pretty one" which is unfair on other siblings. But as adults when a friend said to her that I was really attractive, she snapped back:

"No she's not, it's just heavy make up!"

@dayswithaY

Radiohead I'm laughing at the comments made by your MIL and SIL. It reminds me of my sister, I was always referred to as "the pretty one" which is unfair on other siblings. But as adults when a friend said to her that I was really attractive, she snapped back:

"No she's not, it's just heavy make up!"

Yes, I've been accused of wearing too much makeup, when all I wear is tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip balm. And also of spending too much time on my hair when I just wash and leave it. I've been called a "slut" since my teens too, even by my own mother

And my first husband's mother who told him that I may look good but I'd age fast and get fat. I didn't...

And gay men and lesbians make better friends, I find. At least it's been that way for me

I went to London with my then 19 Yr old goddaughter a couple of years ago and I couldn't believe how many men openly flirted and one even wanted to give her his number. She is a beautiful young woman, looks like a model. Absolutely perfect teeth, freckles and long blond hair etc. In my 40 something years no one has ever done anything similar to me. I'm quite plain so I don't know who's the winner as being propositioned by strangers isn't necessarily welcome but there is a difference for sure.

When I got to about 15 I suppose I became beautiful. I genuinely couldn’t see it but from then until around my mid thirties would have men and women constantly tell me so. Constantly stared at in the street, men stopping me in the street, the supermarket, on public transport to ask me out, one man stopped his car and got out and ran across a road to tell me I was beautiful. It was literally a daily occurrence.

Going to bars was always a problem. I’ve had men ask to have their photo taken with me and others approach me and ask to talk to me as their mates bet him I wouldn’t.

I had notes given to me on the tube, flowers given to me by strangers who’d seen me at the bus stop a couple of times, gifts from married men and have had to report 3 men including one boss for sexual harassment at work.
I used to think every women had the same treatment but my friends, who I think are far more beautiful than me have told me it’s not normal and it really doesn’t happen to everyone.

I think it has given me opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise had in terms of employment (I have never been turned down from a job interview), and it elevated me to ‘cool’ status as a teenager and in my 20s.

But it was also very difficult. The sexual harassment at work was extreme. Even now in my 40s I still get inappropriate remarks, advances and behaviour. And a good friend went very cold around 2 years ago after her husband told her when he was drunk that he was very attracted to me.

The nice men are intimidated and the men I went out with when I was younger treated me very badly. They wanted to put me down, control me and take away my confidence for some reason.
I found it very hard to main friendships with women because they always feel the need to run me down too or got jealous.
I was always being accused of being up myself, aloof, unfriendly, a flirt.. it felt like I could do nothing right. I got used to talking myself down as anything else was seen as arrogance.

Now I’m aging and my looks are fading it’s a bit of a relief to not be the subject of so much attention but also a lot of my identity was tied up in the way I look so finding a new strength and confidence beyond that has been a bit of a journey.

I have a friend who is really beautiful and it's a nightmare whenever we go out together because she's always being approached by men. We can't even have a meal together without some random creep coming up to our table and telling her how beautiful she is. That said, I think part of it is that she looks friendly/approachable too, she's an extrovert and walks into the room and makes eye contact with almost everyone whereas I think I'm better at making myself invisible/ignoring people ;-)

@MrsLion As much as they sound like romantic scenes in a movie, I bet that IS actually really difficult to deal with.

[quote ConfusedAdultFemale]@pictish you’re obviously lazy if you don’t carve your face and body up with surgery in order to achieve stunning levels

On a more realistic note, brains over looks any day.[/quote]
You can have both.

I am not beautiful, but I’m on the cusp. I’ve got amazing eyes (not a brag! I just do). My husband though is stunningly beautiful and his life is definitely easier. People are drawn to him. He hasn’t worn it with grace, though! He’s aware and has used to his advantage. Also my lovely closest friend was a model in the 90s (definitely recognisable) but she did wear with grace and although she made her living from her looks she’s always easy to be with and hasn’t crumbled as she’s aged, she was always more than her looks. I know (not terribly well) a few ageing beauties who struggle terribly. It’s not easy to become invisible. I was at a lunch with a girlfriend and her daughter. The waiter was drooling over the said 20 year old daughter and I could feel my friends heart twisting.

@rosiedeus

And gay men and lesbians make better friends, I find. At least it's been that way for me

And me!

I'm noticing a lot of posts about men acting like shits but women getting the blame. I'd like to think things are changing but they're not, are they.

Yes @UndercoverIntrovert I am naturally quite introverted, I really found it quite awkward and uncomfortable 99% of the time

DD is beautiful, she hates the attention she receives from men; and it has made her very self conscious. Also, several girls, who have never even met her, hate her and are not averse to putting that on SM. Luckily she has a really good group of friends (male and female) otherwise I think it could really screw with her mind.

Yes I’d love to live as a beautiful one for a month, for the beautiful women I’ve known the difference in how they are treated at work and socially is astounding. Oh to walk through life as easily and have that much confidence!

I’m like the back end of a bus but have had my fair share of harassment from creepy men (as I’m sure most of us have), so it’d be nice to enjoy some of the benefits too.

@rarari

I am by no means full of myself- I have terrible self esteem, but I have blonde hair, very light blue eyes and an hourglass figure

This is not directed at the person who posted the above but I kind of find hair colour & eyes & often shape irrelevant to whether your face is beautiful or not as I see it as a composition of features.

Ashley Graham is plus sized but I think her face is amazing.

I agree with this. I have these things too and know I am not beautiful, and only average facially. I just have an overall look that a lot of men, particularly the type of men who are inclined to be forward in approaching and commenting on women, are attracted to. I just think there is something about the blue eyed, curvy, blonde stereotype that men have almost been conditioned to notice. I think its viewed as a very feminine, passive look that is also seen as more accessible. Not to say other women with these looks aren't also beautiful, I'm speaking purely for myself here, as I know I'm definitely not.

Maybe invisible isn’t quite the right word, but I suppose it boils down to the fact that (for me personally) I’m not doing the same things I was in my 20’s or going to the same places and generally when I’m out and about now I’m trying to appease a toddler which doesn’t have quite the same allure to men. Thank god. I know I don’t look as good as I did in my 20’s looking back at photos, but I didn’t really know it know it then, so maybe I’ll look back on photos of myself now and think the same.

One of the young teachers in DS's school is absolutely beautiful, the first time I saw her I was almost open mouthed with shock. She is a rare level of beauty that you don't often see and I can't help but wonder why she is teaching year 4 in our boring town. I think I would have tried to become an actress, model or married someone extremely wealthy if I looked like her

I agree though OP it is fascinating to imagine what it would be like to look like that, the doors it would open, the opportunities it would give you. How fleeting it is though and how hard it would be to watch that beauty fade. Not that older women can't be beautiful, but let's face it it's that youthful beauty that our society is obsessed with.

Well, pretty privilege is a thing. It’s biological and subconscious; people don’t even realize they are treating you differently based on your appearance. As a parent, however, I would not wish for uncommonly striking beauty in a child of mine. Stand-out beautiful women have to deal with the following:

• you are the target of more male violence
• people (both men and women) automatically assume you are up yourself and need to be put in your place, which means they feel entitled to voice some pretty mean things
• it is hard to make female friends because they are intimidated. See above.
• people assume you are probably less intelligent or have a rubbish personality
• people mention your appearance so much that it can be very easy to start to think that’s all you’re worth to the world, which becomes a millstone around your neck if you start to ‘slip up’ as you get older, perhaps gain weight, get stretch marks from pregnancies, etc.
• men feel justified in treating you badly (see above about people assuming you need to be taken down a peg) and often the nice ones never ask you out
• you are never allowed to express insecurity without people rolling their eyes

Personally, I think the sweet spot to fall into is the ‘English rose’ category—pretty face, good skin and hair, trim figure, neither particularly tall nor particularly short. Not so attractive that it’s the primary thing people remember about you, but attractive enough for men to be interested and for people to assume the best of you (as per pretty privilege).

I never had an idea that I was any other than ‘ugly’ until I was late teens and a complete stranger, on a train, asked where I was getting off and if I would mind if drew me as I had such a beautiful face. I thought he was crazy and my older sister who was with me was furious with me .

I had never been told by my family that I was pretty, in fact, the opposite. I wore massive owl like NHS glasses until I was 16 and could buy my own contact lenses. My friends used to tell me I was really pretty but I thought they were just being nice. When I started wearing contact lenses I used to get stared at a lot but I thought it must be because I looked weird and had quite a complex about it. I was also painfully shy due to very low self esteem and used to bat off guys that approached me thinking they were doing it for a bet. Looking at photos now I was extremely attractive, big green eyes, blonde hair, tall and a size 6 until I had DC. My DD is absolutely beautiful, I used to be stopped in the street and told so as she is herself now, and I used to be perplexed when people said she looked like me, albeit a dark version as she has DH’s colouring because I really couldn’t see it!

I always used to get offered every job I interviewed for too. Women used to not like me either and think I was stuck up until they actually talked to me and would then profess surprise and say they didn’t think I’d be like that.

Now I’m older and fatter, DC’s friends tell them that their Mum’s really pretty and when we go to DH’s country people still tell him that he has a very beautiful wife but she’s too fat (very direct culture) which is a nice backhanded compliment!

I wish I’d known how good I looked when I was younger and taken full advantage of it.

There's a depressing theme coming out of this thread in relation to how insecure women often are - no matter how they rate their physical appearance - because of others' reaction to this (mostly men). Those secure in their looks report hostility, or harassment from men who want a piece of them (and too often think they have a right to take it). Those insecure in their looks also report hostility but for different reasons: if their looks don't match with preconceived social ideals of 'beauty' some men think it's perfectly okay to abuse them and publicly show them up for daring not to meet with their required standards.

So if you're physically attractive you're harassed and others will attempt to humiliate you; if you're not, you're harassed and others will attempt to humiliate you. Whatever you look like, the pattern is the same. And the force driving it is good old-fashioned misogyny.

I look forward to the onset of 'invisibility' with pleasure. Remember this good women of Mumsnet: we are not on this planet to decorate it for shallow, insecure, spiteful, superficial fuckwits.

@FuckingFabulous. My DD (16) is experiencing the same thing as you with her hourglass figure-except having curves is fashionable atm so she’s not accused of being fat. Add a pretty face and long blonde hair....you can imagine how she’s treated. Men openly gawp at her chest, catcall, she’s been curb-crawled many times She often wears her Dad’s T-shirts and baggy tracky bottoms to cover up

Luckily she has strong self esteem and expects to be treated well by boys-any bad behavior and they get dumped! Unlike her beautiful friend (whom I mentioned upthread) whose bf is controlling. She doesn’t have great self esteem and it’s heartbreaking to see what she’ll put up with.

My DD was bullied horribly at secondary school by jealous girls who used to spread rumours about her and call her an airhead because the boys fancied her. We had to get the police involved about stuff on SM. It really affected her self esteem.

I knew AJ will be mentioned, but didn't want to do it so early on. When I said beauty is subjective, I usually use her as an example.
I simply don't think she is as beautiful as other people say. She is cool, but there is lots of women who imho are more beautiful.

Subjective.

@SchrodingersImmigrant do you see her as pretty though or just average?