To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

[Goatinthegarden]

I think originally the gift giving is from a tradition that older, settled relatives help out young people starting their adult lives which, traditionally, started with marriage and then a baby. The young people would have just left home so would be in need of a lot of items.

Now that people often get married and have children later on in life, it seems a bit of an archaic tradition.

I’m married, but we chose to do it quietly to avoid the fuss (and the gift-lists!) and we have chosen not to have children. We definitely give out a lot more gifts than we receive, to friends and family who have married and then had multiple children, but hey-ho, not having children means I can afford to treat myself quite often.

[Yesitsbess]

With hindsight, I would probably swap having my ripped vagina sewed up just after pushing a human being out of it, for every single mothers day card/present I have ever gotten.

[MeepleMe]

In my family we buy each other presents for non-wedding or baby events. Also just other random things, flowers if someone's unwell, a souvenir from a holiday, definitely something for passing an exam or good luck for an exam, for a new job, an anniversary. Start a thing amongst your own family and friends if you like!

[Thedogscollar]

OP please accept some and from me.
It's nice isn't it?

[LubaLuca]

It's just an excuse to be kind, and I can live with that.

I didn't get presents for me when I had babies anyway, just stuff for the little ingrates I created. No wedding presents either - we eloped

[Yesitsbess]

I also begrudge my children getting birthday presents. I DID ALL THE WORK, WHERE IS MY PRESENT?

[MMMarmite]

I'm not gonna read the comments as I'm sure they will be full of offended married people with no empathy

But as a fellow (bitter) singleton without kids, solidarity OP! It's shit to have to constantly give presents and congratulations to people who are lucky enough to get the happy things that we desperately want.

[Lady1576]

I’m with you on this one. They are traditionally celebrated because it’s what society traditionally celebrates. We should totally be ready to celebrate other big events with gifts. I do see the point that weddings and babies are expensive and in the past people would have received stuff they really needed, but I never understood spending loads of money on a fancy wedding only to receive it back in crockery, gift cards and fancy candles.

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

The sort of presents you get when you have a baby aren’t really the sort of presents you’d want if you didn’t have a baby.

[ArnoldJudasRimmer]

I've voted YANBU, although I'm half and half. Completely agree re. wedding presents.
For babies, I certainly didn't expect anything for me, but I did think it was nice that people wanted to give the baby a gift. Any money we/they have been given for them has gone in their respective savings accounts as well, which will help them in the future.

[DilemmaADay]

@emilyfrost Getting a pet or a new job isn’t worthy of a gift or celebration. Especially a pet - what exactly did you achieve there?
Pets and jobs come and go. Children are for life

I'll just go and tell my heartbroken, infertile dear best friend that her amazing (PhD based) job isn't an achievement because obviously having kids is the only achievement a woman is worthy of.... off you trot to the 1950s, I'm sure you'll find may people to pat you on the back for having unprotected sex like most the world

[Lady1576]

@MMMarmite

I'm not gonna read the comments as I'm sure they will be full of offended married people with no empathy

But as a fellow (bitter) singleton without kids, solidarity OP! It's shit to have to constantly give presents and congratulations to people who are lucky enough to get the happy things that we desperately want.

And also this! I totally feel bad getting gifts from people who I know would love to get married/have a baby but for whom it hasn’t happened yet. And for people saying how hard it is to have kids; well no-one forced you. It’s not a secret that kids are a responsibility!

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

@Lady1576

I’m with you on this one. They are traditionally celebrated because it’s what society traditionally celebrates. We should totally be ready to celebrate other big events with gifts. I do see the point that weddings and babies are expensive and in the past people would have received stuff they really needed, but I never understood spending loads of money on a fancy wedding only to receive it back in crockery, gift cards and fancy candles.

I spent loads of money on a fancy wedding because I wanted a massive party! There aren’t many chances in life to have all your family and friends together in one place and that meant the world to me. Told people not to buy gifts, although lots did anyway. Didn’t get any crockery or fancy candles though, thankfully.

[Mmn654123]

@emilyfrost

Getting a pet or a new job isn’t worthy of a gift or celebration. Especially a pet - what exactly did you achieve there?

Pets and jobs come and go. Children are for life, and marriage should be too if it’s done right.

Growing an entire human and giving birth to them is a major event, as is finding the love of your life and sharing that with family and friends.

They mean something.

Ah so live has no meaning for the childless singleton. Glad you cleared that up.

And in addition to the bliss of acquiring such meaning in your life, your single childless friends should spend their hard earned cash on you while you get them absolutely nothing in return? Well aren’t you charming!

And this is why it’s best to cut the selfish folk off from the gifts.....such entitlement!!!

[Lady1576]

@emilyfrost

Getting a pet or a new job isn’t worthy of a gift or celebration. Especially a pet - what exactly did you achieve there?

Pets and jobs come and go. Children are for life, and marriage should be too if it’s done right.

Growing an entire human and giving birth to them is a major event, as is finding the love of your life and sharing that with family and friends.

They mean something.

Ah you absolute gem of a person. Give yourself a pat in the back for this one

[mumsiedarlingrevolta]

@SchmooobyDoo

Careful what you wish for... While I’ve been gifted some useful things for my baby, I’ve amassed a serious amount of stuff that I wouldn’t have bought myself or needed for my son.
But, it’s thoughtful of folk to give a gift.

exactly what I was coming on to say!

[Mmn654123]

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

The sort of presents you get when you have a baby aren’t really the sort of presents you’d want if you didn’t have a baby.

No - perhaps the married parents could pause momentarily to put a bit of thought and effort into gift giving?

[Pviolet]

I go armed with a gift to a doggy birthday party every year, the friend in question buys gifts for my children and her dog is her child, we support each other’s life choices!
So yes I would buy a gift for a good friend to congratulate then on promotion or new pet.

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

Surely no one expects gifts for any occasion though? I am married and have kids, but I wouldn’t say I’m ‘entitled’ as I never felt ‘entitled’ to receive anything. If people bought gifts for the baby then that was lovely. But I didn’t expect them. And we explicitly said no wedding gifts.

[Mmn654123]

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

Surely no one expects gifts for any occasion though? I am married and have kids, but I wouldn’t say I’m ‘entitled’ as I never felt ‘entitled’ to receive anything. If people bought gifts for the baby then that was lovely. But I didn’t expect them. And we explicitly said no wedding gifts.

Goodness you are a rare person! Yes it’s expected. The entitlement is astonishing!

[TheOneWithTheBigNose]

My point being I guess that if you’re married and have kids, you can’t be called entitled because other people choose to buy gifts those occasions? I can see that you could be called selfish or entitled if you were actively expecting gifts. I got married because I wanted to get married and had kids because I wanted kids. Didn’t expect presents for it.

[SpaceBatAngelDragon]

Nice bit of sexism in your thread title. Wedding gifts are given to both people getting married. Baby shower gifts are for the baby generally, not the mother (or father).

That said, both wedding lists and baby showers are naff. Wedding lists were designed for young teenagers starting out alone for the first time in an empty house. Not for 30 somethings who have everything they need, but not everything they want, and fancy getting friends and family to pay for the latest flat screen TV. Baby showers are a horrible US import and make me cringe.

[babbaloushka]

@Mmn654123 What do you mean?

[Alsohuman]

Marriage and the birth of a child are more than lifestyle choices. They’re major milestones in life and represent beginnings. Welcoming a new person to the world is particularly special.

[Xmasbaby11]

I agree op. There should be more celebration pf wider achievements such as doing a Masters in your 40s, finally getting a much wanted job, getting a book published, losing 6 stone, etc such as my friends have done. I am married with 2dc which is due mostly to luck. There are other things I wish I'd
achieved that I haven't. I don't know what the answer is but I always try to remember and ask about my friends' interests and passions, and send cards and gifts for exciting events. I hope your friends do this for you.