To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

[Gobbeldegook]

Just have a baby shower. You don't need to be having a baby. While your on, have a bridal shower and a hen party.
Someone had a BBQ the other day and they didn't own a BBQ.
I mean it's exactly the same.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You can then be the ultimate cheeky fucker and sell all the shite that's been sent.
Win win.

[Rno3gfr]

Having been pregnant myself, I can understand what you mean about the grotesque parties and gender themed announcements that deposit confetti everywhere for the robins to swallow.
However, my baby shower was formed of family in my house with baby shower cupcakes, blue balloons and simple gifts like baby grows. It was lovely. It wasn’t posted all over Facebook as an attention seeking event. It helped me adjust to the idea of being a mother, which I was struggling with a little (I was a 21 year old recent uni graduate so it was completely unexpected). Having said that, I hate the massive events that people have and post all over social media. Maybe I’m bitter and jealous too because none of my friends were in the same ‘life position’ to be that interested in a baby shower? 😂 it’s ok to be a grinch sometimes

[Undertheoldlindentree]

I've heard of money as a wedding gift , but never as a new baby gift unless a Boots voucher etc. Usually an outfit, few babygros or a toy/book etc...not cash as a reward for having the baby

[Nanny0gg]

Birthday, Christmas. Easter. Leaving a job. Housewarming.

No wedding, engagement or baby required.

[LouNatics]

I love presents. I often buy thinks for people when I see things they would like and for no reason other than I can and I want to. Then I forget their birthdays .... but they forgive me.

If it makes you feel any better, OP

I have never received a christening, engagement, baby shower, wedding, anniversary or valentines gift.

I have never received a baby gift that was actually for me, the baby’s mother. Cute babygros are nice but I wouldn’t say they were for me.perhaps I did get cute babygros when I was a baby, I don’t remember.

I have had birthday gifts, new house gifts, cheer up gifts, flowers for bereavements, and gifts just because.

[DoingItMyself]

This is a deep thing. The events you mention, OP, are important changes in life. Liminal phases. Moving from being a single person to being a married person, from (traditionally) a chaste unmarried woman to being a wife. Moving from being a wife to being a mother. Taking on all the commitment and risk involved in that. Bringing a new life into the world, with all its potential for sorrow and joy. We gather together, we show our support by offering gifts, because this is a time of great change and potentially great danger. Different cultures address these issues differently, but we do it with parties and gifts. It's primal.

But yes, we could celebrate other events and achievements, too.

[HumunaHey]

How can you compare buying a pet to having a child?

I think having a child or even getting married is much more of a life changing event than buying a pet.

Also, people sometimes do get gifts, a celebratory meal or something for getting a promotion. I have initiated this for friends and family. But I would never think getting a pet warrants a gift.

[YellowandGreenToBeSeen]

@emilyfrost

Getting a pet or a new job isn’t worthy of a gift or celebration. Especially a pet - what exactly did you achieve there?

Pets and jobs come and go. Children are for life, and marriage should be too if it’s done right.

Growing an entire human and giving birth to them is a major event, as is finding the love of your life and sharing that with family and friends.

They mean something.

So, if someone doesn’t give birth or find the love of their life, does that mean their life is worth less? Has less meaning? What if they didn’t want those things? What does that mean about their life?

Very much interested in hearing your POV @emilyfrost

[lazylinguist]

@lazylinguist. Well bully for you, just because you've had a DC doesn't mean it trumps others life events such as getting a pet or a new job.... bit rubbish for those who are infertile, should they have nothing to celebrate as it's 'not comparable' to reproducing

I've had new pets and new jobs, so I think I'm in a reasonably good position to compare. Also, as I pointed out, I got one present (from my dh) on the birth of one of my children. Other people bought presents for my babies. On their birth. You know, like people do for birthdays. Not to celebrate something I'd done.

I have every sympathy for those who are infertile. There is a lovely couple in my extended family who can't have children. It's very sad. They would make wonderful parents. I'm pretty sure they would also have found it very bizarre if anyone suggested they should be given presents on getting their jobs or any of their 3 cats.

[pregnantncnc]

I've always bought my friends gifts/sent cards/taken them out for dinner/sent letterbox cocktails oh covid when they got a new job/promotion/moved/got back from travelling/finished their studies etc. It is what I saw my parents' friends do for them, so I thought it was normal. My step mum in particular (no children, very high powered job) used to receive lots of gifts and cards whenever she got a promotion or new job.

Most of my friends are in a totally different stage of life to me and what they've done is more of an "achievement" than me getting married and then accidentally getting pregnant in my 20s. I'm really happy to celebrate them and their lives and what is important to them, and in return they've been amazingly supportive of me having a baby and having such a different life now and still make an effort to include me and be involved with DS. That's just what good friends do, isn't it?

[beingsunny]

These aren't 'rewards' they are celebrations.

If you have things you want to celebrate, throw a party and invite people to celebrate with you.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

With wedding presents I think YANBU. The old reason - to help people set up a home - doesn't really apply any more and hasn't for a few decades. Token presents would be reasonable but there isn't a general justification for big gifts really. It's a hold over from when that was, in many ways, the point at which people set up a household for themselves.

Presents when you're pregnant are, with the odd exception, for the child, not the mother or parents. So I think YABVU about that kvetch. Parenthood is generally a significant transfer of wealth from the parents (and mainly the mother) to the rest of society, so perhaps rethink your 'annoyance' on that one, at least around gifts.

Lots of other achievements are celebrated that single, non-parents are at least as likely to do. Including sporting achievements and promotions. I give significant gifts to nieces and nephews for house warmings and graduations now as well as 'sponsorships' to fund gap years and sporting/musical/charitable tours. All significant events for young people that need a bit of investment much in the way marriage used to. I've told them not to expect much in the way of wedding presents though - for reason stated above.

[HumunaHey]

I'd also like to add that halving a baby rocks your world. Even when planned, your emotions can run high, hormones can come into play and you can be full of self doubt. At some point it is an irreversible life changer. It definitely deserves well wishes, encouragement and celebration.

Getting married is a celebration of love (in my circles anyway). I adore going to weddings and seeing happy couples.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I know what you mean. In the time I’ve known one lovely friend we got married (she bought a gift even though we only had family at the wedding), bought a house (gift), had several miscarriages (flowers) and then a baby (hugely generous gifts for the baby). She’s moved house once and had two break ups. I make extra effort with Christmas and birthday gifts, sent a big housewarming gift, and often feel awkward at the imbalance. She’s very well off and extremely generous so I try to make an effort where I can but I’m aware of the difference in additional “occasions”.

[HEYBritneyAreYouReadyy]

Haha. This reminds me, I'm still waiting on that eternity ring from when I gave birth several years ago.

My husband got me a gorgeous Tiffany&Co bracelet and gave it to me on our wedding day with my new initials. Which was sweet. I never got anything for giving birthday though. Ha

[PuzzledObserver]

I think it started in earlier generations when a couple getting married would both have been coming from their parental homes to set up their own, and needed the basics of household goods to be able to function.

Ditto gifts after a baby was born - new parents needed clothes, crib, equipment, and may not have been able to afford to buy them.

Times change, but old traditions die hard.

[VodselForDinner]

Didn’t Sex And The City cover this?

Marry yourself, OP. That’s what Carrie did.

[Joinedjustforthispost]

I’m married and a mother , we are hard up and I don’t get gifts and money nor do I expect it just some kindness or appreciation showed , my reward is my family and the happiness that comes with it .

[slashlover]

Marriage and the birth of a child are more than lifestyle choices. They’re major milestones in life and represent beginnings. Welcoming a new person to the world is particularly special.

Having a baby is a lifestyle choice.

[nokidshere]

But as a fellow (bitter) singleton without kids, solidarity OP! It's shit to have to constantly give presents and congratulations to people who are lucky enough to get the happy things that we desperately want.

Then stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ no one makes you give gifts. You don't have to.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I mean I pretty much just got pregnant for the gifts right. I mean no one was gonna buy me a multipack of sleepsuits for any other reason 🙄

[DilemmaADay]

@lazylinguist Also, as I pointed out, I gotonepresent (from my dh) on the birth of one of my children.

It sounds like you had a traumatic birth, so I'm really sorry you went through that. I imagine the present from DH means a lot as well.
I'm sorry to hear about your extended family members also.

[EmeraldShamrock]

SITC sprang to my mind too. That was a brilliant well thought out episode.
Yanbu.

[Yesitsbess]

@SleepingStandingUp don't forget the 8,400 muslin squares. I'll never forget being told how they'll be "handy for dusting and shoe polishing" once the baby stopped vomiting on me and shitting in strange and creative ways.

#blessed

[DontBeRidiculous]

Ideally, it would be reciprocal. You give a gift when a friend marries/has a baby, and when your turn comes along, you are the one on the receiving end. I can see how it might sting if you're constantly giving gifts and never receiving, especially if you have a large group of friends who marry and have children, but eventually it will end.

If it's really bothering you, make an excuse, don't give a gift, give a token, or contribute to a group gift with someone else.