To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Tbf it backfired, I got a buy one get one free offer and now I'm over run 😂👶👶

[Crowsaregreat]

If I was single with no children, if be buying myself a lot of presents!

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I absolutely agree. We don't seem to value things that people have really worked for nearly as much as those things which happen by dint of good fortune (and which, arguably, should be a reward in and of themselves).

But we seem to be in the minority, unfortunately, OP.

[drspouse]

I got married years after setting up home, there should be "new home lists" as most people do the same, they don't wait to need crockery until they are married.
But I did get a nice lot of hand me down stuff that was only because I was the first grandchild to buy a house after a grandparent died. As it was my step grandparent I ended up handing some of it on to the grandchild who was the blood relative because it meant more to them.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Or you could look on the gifts as compensation, OP?

Just signed on for life with Dave (39) who will now drop all pretence of pulling his weight around the house, choosing to focus on His Hobby instead? Have a butter dish!

Just thrown away your freedom and your pelvic floor in favour of years of sleepless servitude to a mini-Dave who will grow up and go NC with you at his wife's insistence? Have a Tuppence & Crumble star wrap!

[Creamcustards]

To the pp who noticed my title was sexist... fair point! I should have said spouses and parents.

To those who say jobs / pets etc aren’t “worthy” of gifts... Just proving my point really that some people’s achievements / milestones are valued more than others. You, in my view I’m sorry to say, are the problem!

To those who agree or are in the same position as me - thank you, and solidarity And I definitely need to make oet gifts and thing in my circle of friends.

[Creamcustards]

@TheYearOfSmallThings That made me laugh out loud 😂

[Creamcustards]

*I need to make PET gifts a thing with my friends!

[PickAChew]

Presents for being a wife and mother? How did. I miss this?

[Mmn654123]

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

My point being I guess that if you’re married and have kids, you can’t be called entitled because other people choose to buy gifts those occasions? I can see that you could be called selfish or entitled if you were actively expecting gifts. I got married because I wanted to get married and had kids because I wanted kids. Didn’t expect presents for it.

But most do. From their colleagues. From their friends. From their families. It’s absolutely the norm that it’s expected. And if the singletons don’t play ball they’re accused of being ‘bitter’ when actually they’ve worked out it’s a one way street and the married parents just become more and more self absorbed until, quite frankly, it’s best to ignore them until the children go to university!!

[Mmn654123]

[quote babbaloushka]@Mmn654123 What do you mean?[/quote]
About what?

[Dunderblue]

It's traditional. People bought presents for weddings because it was helping a new couple out when they were about to move in together, that's why you bought practical gifts. The baby similar but usually it was giving things your baby didn't need anymore so they saved money and kept memories going.

But now its more a nice thing. People pay a fortune for their weddings and pay for their guests to sit down and eat with them, they cost a fortune compared to what they used to. My friend paid £15,000 for her wedding and I get she didn't have to and no one forced her, but with £70 a head I think it was only fair I got her a present that would thank her for the invite and help her out or make her smile.
And I see baby gifts as good mental health gifts! Pregnancy is hard and for some people it's painful and a miserable time. Giving someone a gift and making them smile is lovely.

I don't know if you're aware but most gifts you get when you have a baby... Is for the baby. In fact I can't think of a single thing I got that wasn't for my baby. It's not like people get married or have babies for presents. It's a drop in the ocean for marriage and children. If you're disappointed then I don't think you can grasp that 9 months of pregnancy (along with sickness, exhaustion, backache) labour and then months of sleepless nights and no money isn't all to get a knitted cardigan from your neighbours.

[Mmn654123]

@Alsohuman

Marriage and the birth of a child are more than lifestyle choices. They’re major milestones in life and represent beginnings. Welcoming a new person to the world is particularly special.

I agree. The parents should be overjoyed. They have the gift of a child and need no more! Their cups runneth over.......

[BiBabbles]

I can see why it could be annoying if you're spending a lot of energy, time, and expense on others and not having that reciprocated in any meaningful way. I agree that there are many other things to celebrate like new jobs (or for me, there are currently plans for someone I know to celebrate him moving to a better work site after years of crappy commutes, though not sure if gifts will be involved).

In many traditions, bridal gifts were things either used in the household and/or could be sold off in an emergency. With how things have changed, it would make sense if we could shift some of that emergency and life provisions buying for other occasions.

Some traditions around giving birth do still focus on helping the mother recover and recognition of the risks involved and helping to relieve the burden of some of the early expenses, though I agree with pp that a lot of in more recent years can be the oddest baby things.

Having eloped and never having had a baby shower (possibly in part from the nightmare that was US evangelical bridal and baby showers I grew up with), I had a few surprise gifts that I was grateful for. I look fondly back on my spouse's grandmother calling to congratulate us on our marriage -- and to ask what my favourite colour for towels were, which, oddly at 18, was a question I'd never really considered.

[Mmn654123]

@nokidshere

But as a fellow (bitter) singleton without kids, solidarity OP! It's shit to have to constantly give presents and congratulations to people who are lucky enough to get the happy things that we desperately want.

Then stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ no one makes you give gifts. You don't have to.

Completely agree. Just don’t do it.

[amusedbush]

@Sparklfairy

There was an episode of Sex and the City which covered exactly this.

Came here to say this.

Although when I got my Masters, my granny sent me £20 in a card, which was lovely. I worked much harder to get my degrees than I did to get married!

[babbaloushka]

@Mmn654123 the married parents giving gifts response to someone unthread.

[MooseBreath]

I had a baby shower, which was not organised by me (and is typically thrown by friends, so I don't understand why people on MN view them as grabby). The gifts I received were all for the baby to help give the best start possible, not for the mother. I hugely appreciated the amazing help and support from my friends, but certainly didn't expect a shower or gifts at all.

I have found that my single friends typically have bigger, more elaborate birthday parties than my married friends. Maybe that's just my group though.

[Luckyelephant1]

@Creamcustards

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

But by your logic why do we 'reward' people for getting a year older? Send flowers on wedding anniversaries etc? Why on earth is anyone rewarded for Jesus being born thousands of years ago whether one believes in that or not?

At the end of the day all these events and milestones are celebrations and if people want to give gifts to celebrate then let them. And btw I think quite a lot of people get gifts for new jobs (or goodbye gifts from their old jobs).

[Rosewood017]

I do understand it must be frustrating for happy singles to keep forking out for other people's life events.

I didn't request gifts at my wedding but got lots anyway. I really didn't want a baby shower and managed to avoid but when baby arrived, we were spoiled by family & friends. I must say I was so grateful as was totally unprepared for how many clothes babies plough through!

I do cringe when my best friend who couldn't have children, never misses a birthday or life event. However she has made peace with her situation and uses her spare cash for extra luxurious travels!

[CeeceeBloomingdale]

Maybe you just have shit friends if they don't celebrate with you. I might buy for my friends to say congratulations, sorry you're feeling down, get well soon, saw this and thought of you or simply for no reason - Happy Tuesday! They do the same in return.

I don't think a new pet is the same as a new baby though. Growing a human is a bit different from visiting the cat and dog shelter and a new job isn't the same as a wedding. I might buy token gifts or cards for the former but would feel more inclined to spend a lot more on babies and weddings.

A new job is a personal achievement, nice to mark it but it's not going to change my life.

[dottiedaisee]

I can honestly say that my friends and myself always exchange presents for our pets ....you need new friends!! 😊

[Ohnomoreno]

Not all of us fecund goddesses think it's right either. I think baby showers are way grabby. Of course people will buy a new baby gifts, but that's for a while separate human once born, not for me. And wedding stuff, well I did have a list I guess, because my mother pretty much told me to. Plenty of people set up charity donations though. As for mother's Day enough said, load of crap. This year I did ask for some chocolates though as it was all a bit shit. Also, maybe we get all this crap just to detract from the total loss of anything actually resembling fun and hobbies, lol.

[Notnownotneverever]

Haha true but does anyone actually want the gift of a breast pump?
And if you went the wedding and took a gift then you probably got a decent meal and party out of their pocket at least to the equivalent of the cost of the gift.

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

@iMatter

You need new friends

I buy my friends (small) gifts for new jobs, new pets, passing exams, binning an arsehole husband, finishing chemo, pretty much everything that ought (imho) to be celebrated.

I'll be your friend!