To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

[Justyouwaitandseeagain]

I regularly buy new job / new home / exam results / graduation / going travelling / retirement presents...and don’t get me started on the number of leaving presents and wide variety of ambitious, adventurous fundraising initiatives (usually from young, single friends and relatives) I’ve contributed to...

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

This thread has actually made me quite tearful. It can be extremely tough watching your friends get coupled up while you stay single and seeing them have kids while you remain childless (and infertile). And then all these things are celebrated multiple times.

It's shit being on the outside, and for someone else (another woman, no less) to come along and say, "Well you sound bitter!" is pretty fucking callous imo.

[Clevererthanyou]

You need more open minded family and friends op. I give random gifts to the people I love for no real reason other than “I saw this and thought of you”. Life would be a bit dull for me if I only stuck to special occasions to treat the people in my life.

[BungleandGeorge]

It’s traditional to take a gift when you’re invited to a function or party, whether that be a wedding, baby shower, birthday, christening or just dinner. So if you want to throw a party to welcome your new puppy then yes I would bring a present, I’d also bring one of you had a dinner party. Generally the party costs way more than the presents received so not sure it’s a good strategy just to get gifts!

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

@babbaloushka

I also give little gifts for other events, like promotions, passing exams etc, but not of the same calibre as a birth or wedding, as it's not as life changing or difficult.

Maybe not as life-changing, but I'd certainly say researching and writing my thesis was more difficult than organising a wedding.

[CeeceeBloomingdale]

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour A thesis is a personal achievement though, not the same as welcoming a new person to the family through marriage or birth. I'd be pleased for you, might buy you a little something and have a night out with you but beyond that my life wouldn't be changed. If a family members gets married or a friend has a baby that's a more permanent change to my world as they are now part of it.

[BungleandGeorge]

Generally friends and family only buy wedding gifts if they’re actually invited to the event.

[Yesitsbess]

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour I'm not sure it's comparable, or that one is more 'deserving' of gifts than another. I went to a wedding where we had to travel 8 billion miles, stay over, buy something from the gift list (84 million quid minimum) and then the bastards got annulled after a couple of months! I very nearly demanded a refund.

I've also organised a wedding, and with hindsight would have preferred to spend the money, time and stress on something useful. Like a thesis. I didn't ask for presents though, I asked for books, and I love them all to this day.

[Itsmeagainandagain]

It used to be gifts for the baby after baby was born, now it's baby showers with a party before baby is born which is fine, as it probably be last time everyone gets together for a while. But gender reveal parties though, nah, what a waste of unnecessary money before a baby is born. Nobody wants to wait to be surprised they all want to know there and then. As for mothers days, I would never expect anything off my children, I'm there mother it's me to buy them things not other way round, i don't like money being spent on me, that's just my thing. At valentines day though I always buy my children something it used to be little teddies now it's a box of choccies each. I don't mind spending cash on others, I feel embarrassed when others spend cash on me though

[babbaloushka]

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour

Congratulations, were you my friend, I would have bought you a nice bottle of bubbly and probably some chocolate. It's not comparable to a birth as you don't need anything for completing your thesis, as PP said, it's a personal achievement, and not something others can really share in, unlike a child or a wedding.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I think up to a point people assume they'll reciprocate in one way or another. So we all but the wedding gifts and baby presents and assume at some point someone will buy them for us. If you can't have kids / get married or choose not to, I can see why it feels a bit like you're buying all the rounds at the bar.

Do you make friends aware when you have your own achievements that you want them to help you celebrate? .

You can actually stop going to weddings, baby showers etc if it's causing you upset, it's ok to name your own needs important

[DYWMB]

You get gifts when you get married to fill up your house with stuff you need, at least I'm surebthats what it used to be for. Now people live together first or are on their 2nd/3rd weddings I do find it amusing to see a huge wedding list of Jamie Oliver plates, 100quid pepper mills and serving platters. That's hilarious. You'll get a gift voucher off me as my wedding food/party entry fee but I'm filling your kitchen with crazy crockery.

Women should get gifts after birth, they should get lots of things, including their partner to step up and pull their weight as well, but since that barely happens you may as well get something shiny for the crapstorm that's about to occur in your life.
Personally I'd quite like some pension contributions while I'm a sahm.

[MiddleParking]

I see the point, but I’m not sure how as a married mother one would go about evening the score gifts-wise while completely avoiding the air of ‘here’s your consolation prize for not having my life’.

[InsanelyPregnantAndSore]

For me having it was pretty obvious that my getting married and having kids meant as much (if not more at times) to my parents/pils and grandparents than me.

I’d have married at a registry office but had a big white wedding instead. My 91 year old gran sobbed as they left at the end and proclaimed it ‘the best day of her life’ as she never gets out and the whole family were together.

MIL/DM both adore kids and have little else going on. I think they were both very nervous DH and I would choose not to have kids. Now we have DS both adore and take great pleasure in him. They spend a lot of money on us and him despite me always saying not to...etc but they seem to really enjoy it. Same with my grandparents.

I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but it is mine. My DM described my having kids as a ‘gift to the entire family which has brought so much joy’ x

[emilyfrost]

@Creamcustards

To the pp who noticed my title was sexist... fair point! I should have said spouses and parents.

To those who say jobs / pets etc aren’t “worthy” of gifts... Just proving my point really that some people’s achievements / milestones are valued more than others. You, in my view I’m sorry to say, are the problem!

To those who agree or are in the same position as me - thank you, and solidarity And I definitely need to make oet gifts and thing in my circle of friends.

There is no problem here. You’ve just invented one because you feel bitter about your choice to be single and childfree. If that’s what you truly want, own it.

There is no achievement in getting a pet, and jobs are changeable.

Bringing up children gives ones life a meaning and a purpose. If you don’t want to do that, fine, but don’t try to compare it to getting a pet or changing your job.

If you want gifts for worthy and meaningful things in life, OP, you have to actually do those worthy and meaningful things.

[ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel]

Hello Carrie! Got any new shoes lately?

[Crayfishforyou]

My friends and I have the rule of ‘wine is the only acceptable gift’
New job? Wine
New house? Wine
Birthday? Wine
Christmas? Social wine
Wedding? Wine
New baby? Wine for some day, and something cute for the baby that I crocheted.

I always go a bit mad on zooplus for anyone’s new pets. I love animals.

[TheFuckingDogs]

I’m so sorry to any women on here who have been hurt by the “you’re bitter” comments - once again it’s horrendous how nasty women can be to each other.
I always think of the amazing women who aren’t mothers on Mother’s Day as they can still bring so much power and love to our worlds as aunties/friends etc
This thread plus one the other day tearing myself and others like me to shreds for our inability to have more than one child has made me realise MN aibu really can be awful.
Chin up anyone who this thread has upset.
And to the person just upthread - yes having children can give your life meaning and purpose but other things can do that too - don’t lose yourself in all that child rearing 😏

[SpeakingFranglais]

There’s always been baby showers but these have just changed over the years, not just in name.

When I had mine 27 and 24 years ago and worked in a large office, on your last day of work all the women in the office did a spread and bought gifts and good luck cards some for baby some for mum. When my mum had hers 50+ years ago, neighbours knitted cardies.

[Lockeddownagain]

Watch the sex and the city episode a womens right to shoes. This is exactly the topic covered

[MyFairKitten]

I'd definitely send card/flowers for a new job or promotion. And I would buy a gift for the new pet.

[Bancha]

I have read most of this but not all of it so apologies if this has already been said.

I do agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I make an effort to buy presents/send cards to my friends when they have things to celebrate that are not babies/weddings, especially if they are single and child free. I really do think it’s a bit of a cheek that some of my friends have spent so much on my life choices and they don’t get the same opportunities for their life choices to be celebrated.

Having said all that, my experience of baby showers is that you buy gifts for the baby. The way I see it is you are all welcoming a new person into the world. It’s not so much about congratulating someone for reproducing (though, that’s pretty impressive if you ask me). It’s about offering support and love to the newest tiny member of your group/tribe/village. I think that’s meaningful and lovely.

[bishbashbosh99]

I think you should post this on the feminism board, they love getting all pissed off about irrelevant shit like this

[Tallybo]

Me and my closest friends celebrate all sorts of things, and they're all important to us. I agree that society as a whole places more emphasis on certain things, and some attitudes on this thread are vile.

If you want gifts for worthy and meaningful things in life,OP, you have to actually do those worthy and meaningful things.

Thats sad if you feel that having children and getting married are the only 'worthy and meaningful' things someone can do, really sad.

[slashlover]

There is no problem here. You’ve just invented one because you feel bitter about your choice to be single and childfree. If that’s what you truly want, own it.

There is no achievement in getting a pet, and jobs are changeable.

Bringing up children gives ones life a meaning and a purpose. If you don’t want to do that, fine, but don’t try to compare it to getting a pet or changing your job.

If you want gifts for worthy and meaningful things in life, OP, you have to actually do those worthy and meaningful things.

How incredibly patronising. There's no achievement in getting married either, millions of people do it, some multiple times. HOW DARE you say whether someone else's choice is worth and meaningful because their choices are different to yours.