Page 20 | To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

Creamcustards · 2021-04-13T20:55:56+00:00

Inspired by the baby shower thread. What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!? Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money! Grr.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2021 22:31

"Technically you just need a bedroom, kitchen and bathroom whether in a couple or single, you might need a slightly bigger property but not much. It's a lot easier to get onto the property ladder with 2 people, it's just not the case that your needs double the price. Not all bills double either, places where council tax is property (you only get 25% if single, so technically still 25% more as a single person than 50/50 for example). I have found it a lot more affordable as a couple paying 50% of everything than when I was a single homeowner."

Of course. It's much cheaper to live as a couple and being able to buy a house is a huge thing as well.
Obviously, a couple doesn't need double the space of a single person.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2021 22:33

"Nowadays most people are bought stuff by their families when they go to university or buy their first home, aren’t they? "

Really? Lucky them. I had to buy all my own stuff.
Housewarming presents are usually things like pot plants. Really not "same difference".

HereComesATractor · 14/04/2021 22:38

@Gwenhwyfar

"In my friend’s family her child free siblings decided that as she has children she doesn’t get presents for birthdays and children any more, they only get them for the children. But she is expected to get them presents still for the same occasions. I can understand this from a cost point, and actually she doesn’t mind herself and I can also understand that because I also understand the feeling of not needing presents myself and being happy for people to focus on the children, but I’m not sure how “fair” it is either."

Why isn't it fair? Sounds fair to me. The gifts to her children are actually also gifts for her as she is financially responsible for them.

Actually I think that “fairness” as a goal is pretty pointless, as this thread demonstrates - it’s pretty much impossible to balance things out so that everyone feels satisfied and not patronised/obliged/hard done by/guilty. And you will see from my post that I don’t actually think it’s an unreasonable agreement to come to particularly in terms of costs. But I’m not sure that your reasoning demonstrates the fairness you think it does either. A gift for a woman’s children is a gift for her? Not really!

HereComesATractor · 14/04/2021 22:42

For housewarming presents I buy things like a vase or a jug or serving dish - if I know their taste and I’m going to see them soon - or send vouchers if I’m not

Macncheeseballs · 14/04/2021 23:12

I've never had a gift for getting married or having a baby apart from the gift of marriage and children of course

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2021 00:04

"A gift for a woman’s children is a gift for her? Not really!"

Of course it is. It's one less thing she has to buy herself. Also, when the child is very small they receive presents not because of their independent relationship with the present giver, but because of the relationship with the parent, in this case the mother. The gift is for the mother really.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/04/2021 00:05

@HereComesATractor

For housewarming presents I buy things like a vase or a jug or serving dish - if I know their taste and I’m going to see them soon - or send vouchers if I’m not

Wow. If I have a housewarming, a couple of people might bring something small, but most will just bring a drink. Nothing comparable to a wedding present (but of course I don't lay on a three course meal and disco either).

HereComesATractor · 15/04/2021 00:14

Oh ok, we’re talking about different things then. If my sibling or close friend, for example, buys a new house I will get them something like I described whether they have a housewarming party or not. Otherwise I would do as you describe.

HereComesATractor · 15/04/2021 00:17

@Gwenhwyfar

"A gift for a woman’s children is a gift for her? Not really!"

Of course it is. It's one less thing she has to buy herself. Also, when the child is very small they receive presents not because of their independent relationship with the present giver, but because of the relationship with the parent, in this case the mother. The gift is for the mother really.

You’re assuming that people buy presents for my children that I would otherwise have to buy myself

Haha no, many people have given very sweet and generous presents that I absolutely would not spend my money on for them, and that they definitely do not need, so it’s not like they are saving me any money that I can now spend on myself whoopee! That is a rather hilarious notion. Note, I’m not expecting any kind of fairness about this situation, but the idea that it means it frees up money for me is just daft

HereComesATractor · 15/04/2021 00:21

I absolutely agree that people buy things for small children as a gesture to show that they care about the things that are important to their parents, but it’s not like my child free siblings are going to buy my children’s school shoes as birthday presents

MiddleParking · 15/04/2021 06:45

Also entertained by the idea that the presents people buy young children mean one less thing we have to buy ourselves it’s lovely when people buy them gifts but I don’t think any party involved sees it as a cost saving exercise for us!

Mmn654123 · 15/04/2021 09:57

@Gwenhwyfar

"In my friend’s family her child free siblings decided that as she has children she doesn’t get presents for birthdays and children any more, they only get them for the children. But she is expected to get them presents still for the same occasions. I can understand this from a cost point, and actually she doesn’t mind herself and I can also understand that because I also understand the feeling of not needing presents myself and being happy for people to focus on the children, but I’m not sure how “fair” it is either."

Why isn't it fair? Sounds fair to me. The gifts to her children are actually also gifts for her as she is financially responsible for them.

I've never known child free people to drive the 'lets just buy for the children' malarky. Am betting a sibling with children decided we should 'just buy for the children' with the aim of buying nothing for their child free siblings in return and in response the child free siblings set the rule that it's ok if they want to scale back - they will just buy for the children (eg £xx each for two kids) rather than kids and parents (eg £yy for each parent and £xx for each child) as the parents can then just but them a gift in return to the value of £xx (x2) rather than (£xx (x2) + £yy (x2))+/- divided by two, depending if the childless sibling has a partner they buy for.

But it should balance by family unit. So the parent of the children is saving money they would have spent on their childless sibling because they will be spending less than half the usual amount on a gift. They can spend the difference on themselves or they can propose going back to the old arrangement where they get a gift but they spend more on the childless sibling.

Whats CF'ery is deciding it's 'children only' and expecting the childless to spend and then getting them nothing in return. Grabby is what that is!!

TorringtonDean · 15/04/2021 10:41

It really would be best to have no presents for anything! The level of resentment in this thread is incredible.

Surely just because you haven’t married and had a child right now it doesn’t mean you will never do so? These gifts are for those things. There are plenty of gifts for other things - Christmas, birthdays etc! Marriage is a possibility for all ages and sexualities and there are many ways to have a child these days.

Life is not necessarily cheaper or easier if married. You have made a commitment to another person who might actually turn out to want you to subsidise them - they might be an alcoholic or gambler or violent or just lose their job and not look for another. They don’t advertise it at the start! Plenty of partners do not pay an equal share towards bills!

You might have a baby but they could need all sorts of extra care which makes it impossible to earn a living and even if everything is completely straightforward you will need to pay a fortune in childcare. Plus of course you will need a bigger home to house them.

In comparison a singleton only has to support them self and only needs a small home, although of course you might like a bigger place and that choice is yours!

I get the impression a lot of commenters think marriage and kids are the ticket to some sort of gilded life. We don’t live in fairytale land.

Hardbackwriter · 15/04/2021 10:47

they will just buy for the children (eg £xx each for two kids) rather than kids and parents (eg £yy for each parent and £xx for each child) as the parents can then just but them a gift in return to the value of £xx (x2) rather than (£xx (x2) + £yy (x2))+/- divided by two, depending if the childless sibling has a partner they buy for.

Ah, the true spirit of giving - when you're using equations to work it out. God forbid you spend a quid more on someone than they spent on you.

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 12:27

The gift is for the mother really.

😂😂

What grown-up woman wouldn't be delighted by a fisher price toy or some duplo.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2021 12:32

Ah, the true spirit of giving - when you're using equations to work it out. God forbid you spend a quid more on someone than they spent on you

Except it isn't. If there are two siblings with two children each that's upwards of £160 each year at the minimum of £20/present for Christmas and birthday. If postage needs to be included the amount rises - and not everyone can afford that. AND when it isn't reciprocated in any way then it does, frankly, seem both greedy and grabby.

TorringtonDean · 15/04/2021 12:39

Just don’t give presents if you can’t afford them. End of. Nobody has a right to receive anything. Normally it’s just seen as a nice gesture.

Hardbackwriter · 15/04/2021 12:56

I would say don't give presents if you can't afford it or if you just resent it. I would much, much rather not get a present at all than get one from someone who is angry they 'had' to buy it. A gift grudgingly given is inherently not a good gift.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2021 13:01

I'd say don't expect presents, and, clearly state that you do not expect them if you think that the giver might be unfairly put-upon to provide gifts and/or you have no intention of reciprocating (or cannot reciprocate).

Remember that the 'maiden aunt' (for example) is a real person with feelings and would likely love even a small token of love and appreciation. If you cannot be bothered with this then please be honest with her.

trixies · 15/04/2021 13:44

@OolieMacdoolie

I don’t disagree in an intellectual sense, but equally it took cutting through 7 layers of my abdomen for my baby to enter this world, so I do feel that I deserve warm wishes and presents

(Your point is fair though. I once teamed up with some friends to buy a pal a kitchen aid when she got a big promotion because she had previously complained that people only got them as gifts when they got married. It should be a more common tradition!)

Same for me when I had to have a lifesaving total hysterectomy. I didn't get warm wishes, presents, OR a child.

I'm single and childfree and unsurprisingly with the OP.

emeraldcity2000 · 15/04/2021 13:45

Fwiw I actually think as a mum I get less.... if childless friends or relatives but for my kids, I buy for them... I get a house full of clutter 😂. I am not in any way bothered by this!

HereComesATractor · 15/04/2021 14:01

“I've never known child free people to drive the 'lets just buy for the children' malarky. Am betting a sibling with children decided we should 'just buy for the children' with the aim of buying nothing for their child free siblings in return and in response the child free siblings set the rule that it's ok if they want to scale back”

It’s not what happened, but given you’ve firmly planted yourself in the “mothers and wives are selfish and grasping” camp I’m not going to bother to try to convince you otherwise.

FWIW I realise only now that my own child free siblings don’t buy me or my children birthday presents, have never bought me a housewarming gift or card, didn’t get anything for babies’ births etc , and I do and will for them. It has only just occurred to me, as it’s not something I keep tabs on especially and I’m not a tit-for-tat type when it comes to present buying, I’ll just buy something I think they will like.

ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel · 15/04/2021 17:53

I’ve never gotten the stop buying Xmas/birthday gifts for relatives once they have kids thing.

If it’s a person you love, it’s a person you love surely, regardless of procreative status.

PerveenMistry · 16/04/2021 02:23

@TorringtonDean

Just don’t give presents if you can’t afford them. End of. Nobody has a right to receive anything. Normally it’s just seen as a nice gesture.

It's not the presents, it's the thought behind them that the op yearns for.

Some acknowledgment that uncoupled and childfree people also have exciting events in their lives, worthy of congratulations.

SmokedDuck · 16/04/2021 02:31

I've said you are being unreasonable.

The traditional reasons for gifts for these things is that they are major life events that require some real investment, particularly setting up a new household. Which used to be the norm for people getting married.

So their family and community came together to help them out.

Many people set up a household earlier than they marry now, but I think we still recognise the old pattern.

We've gone over the top with gifts generally as a society and it's made even events that make a certain amount of sense seem over the top and greedy. But I think the underlying sense is not unreasonable.