To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

@LittleMissnotLittleMrs

I’m with you op. I’ve had no gifts despite house moves, major life threatening surgery, radiotherapy more than once, new jobs, return after long term illness, and even some birthdays. At the most, I’ve got cards, which is lovely but also highlights who the friends really are (3 of them). I’ve given up even hoping someone will acknowledge a life event for me. Not only single, childless and apparently friendless, I am also sibling and cousin less so once my parents die, that’s it. I still buy and send cards for others but when you don’t even get a thank you, I wonder what’s the point. I’m not bitter any more, just accepting there is something unlikeable about me. My life is, going forward, focussed on me, job, pets and being as nice as I can be.

I'm sure there is nothing unlikeable about you. People just get absorbed in themselves.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it and I'm sorry you have felt so alone at times in your life.

x

You never get presents or a card for a new job or pet? That’s sad. In the past month I’ve sent a card to a friend for a new job and bought a neighbour a little gift for their new puppy. Maybe try giving gifts and cards to friends to celebrate their life changes and people may keep you in mind a little when you have yours.

@winifredwells

I’ve had no gifts despite house moves, major life threatening surgery, radiotherapy more than once, new jobs, return after long term illness, and even some birthdays.

it's very sad, but are you really saying that you would have had gifts for all the occasions above if you had been a mother?

I think the point is that you give gifts to the mothers when they marry and have children and they often give nothing back if you have no children - not even for major events like the above. Many become thoughtless and self absorbed. It's not at all hard to be thoughtful. But so many just can't be arsed because they are so focused on their own tiny world they stop thinking of anyone else, including those who have been kind to them during their 'major' milestones in life.

When any of my child free friends gets a promotion, new job, birthday, I often make a bigger deal of it than my friends with children.

Why are other single people not getting pounded for not giving their single friends gifts for “major life events like the above”? Being married/having kids doesn’t make you inherently less generous, it’s just not the same kind of established custom to give gifts for someone e.g. returning to work after sickness. Neither single nor married people are doing that frequently.

I have seen the exact opposite happening.

Young, more carefree, child free, friends being a bit more, maybe not selfish but less caring and less aware of others.

When people settle and have families, and are thrown into boring "real life", they get a lot more attentive and caring for others.

A bit like someone very young not realising what work goes behind organising a big event, while someone who has done it is more mindful and RSVPing on time.

I am reading this and wondering whether men are expending so much energy and thought on this stuff

Because it seems to be all about wives and mothers, not husbands and fathers

Gift - something you give willingly, without payment.

Not something you file away in a little black book so you can keep note of who 'paid you back'.

I have seen the exact opposite happening.

Young, more carefree, child free, friends being a bit more, maybe not selfish but less caring and less aware of others.

When people settle and have families, and are thrown into boring "real life", they get a lot more attentive and caring for others.

Oh yes the old "having kids makes you a better person" thing......

I just think your way is bizarrely transactional - I don't tot up how many gifts I've previously got someone when I'm thinking of buying one . The last few presents I've bought for friends were a birthday present, a present for a friend going through chemo and a bunch of flowers for my friend on the anniversary of her mum's death. The women in question have been married, respectively, never, twice and once, and none of them have children - but I just don't see any relationship between those presents and their marital or parent status, or indeed mine.

@MiddleParking

Why are other single people not getting pounded for not giving their single friends gifts for “major life events like the above”? Being married/having kids doesn’t make you inherently less generous, it’s just not the same kind of established custom to give gifts for someone e.g. returning to work after sickness. Neither single nor married people are doing that frequently.

Because in a relationship of two single people they will both follow the same convention. Give gifts. Or not. Equally.

But married mothers expect gifts for getting married, every time they procreate, possibly even christenings, children’s birthdays and Christmas etc etc too and not reciprocate with other gifts that balance the imbalance back up.

Single friends don’t do that to each other, do they?

@BlusteryLake

When any of my child free friends gets a promotion, new job, birthday, I often make a bigger deal of it than my friends with children.

Good! You sound like a nice friend!

@winifredwells

I have seen the exact opposite happening.

Young, more carefree, child free, friends being a bit more, maybe not selfish but less caring and less aware of others.

When people settle and have families, and are thrown into boring "real life", they get a lot more attentive and caring for others.

A bit like someone very young not realising what work goes behind organising a big event, while someone who has done it is more mindful and RSVPing on time.

That coupled with the fact that conventional family life tends to bring a lot more occasions for gift giving. Coupledom generally tends to bring more invitations to e.g. weddings, dinner parties etc. Then you have kids and get involved with kids party gift-giving and might get a bit more of a formal social circle with other parents at school or whatever where going to someone’s house would occasion bringing a gift. And then there’s all the gift giving to teachers. And, for women, just being married often means you get a new family to have to think of, buy, wrap and deliver presents for. (Not in my house, I hasten to add, although I’d like to see him try and suggest it.)

@HereComesATractor

Because it seems to be all about wives and mothers, not husbands and fathers

Men don’t tend to give each other gifts. Very wise.

@CounsellorTroi

I have seen the exact opposite happening.

Young, more carefree, child free, friends being a bit more, maybe not selfish but less caring and less aware of others.

When people settle and have families, and are thrown into boring "real life", they get a lot more attentive and caring for others.

Oh yes the old "having kids makes you a better person" thing......

interesting way to twist my words...

but you are illustrating very well my surprise at the few posters who seem terribly bitter about being child-free.

*Because in a relationship of two single people they will both follow the same convention. Give gifts. Or not. Equally.

But married mothers expect gifts for getting married, every time they procreate, possibly even christenings, children’s birthdays and Christmas etc etc too and not reciprocate with other gifts that balance the imbalance back up.

Single friends don’t do that to each other, do they?*

Do you not know any children with fathers? Nor any married men? Weird.

If the poster upset that she never got gifts had set up her relationships such that there was no reciprocal gift giving (which, to be fair to her, is conjecture on your part) then it’s hardly surprising that she wasn’t receiving any gifts. Also, you say it as if all married people are inherently selfish and all single people inherently generous. There are people in both camps with every kind of gift giving/receiving behaviour.

I think it’s the expectation that might be grinding OP’s gears. Baby showers are not traditional in the UK (although buying a babygro, some bib sets or a soft toy for the newborn of friends was quite common when I was having DC’s)
These “events” creep into the everyday simply because we see them on SM and think they sound like a nice idea.
However, there have been several threads on here already about unreasonable expectations placed on Baby shower guests by entitled Mums-to-be, and I guess that’s where the thought of them being a bit OTT comes from.

But married mothers expect gifts for getting married, every time they procreate, possibly even christenings, children’s birthdays and Christmas etc etc too and not reciprocate with other gifts that balance the imbalance back up.

😂

you do need better friends, it's just you I am afraid!

Men don’t tend to give each other gifts. Very wise.

Poppycock. They go to each other’s weddings, for a start, which is where you’re complaining all this unfairly beneficial gift giving happens.

I enjoy buying and giving gifts. If something is important to a friend (happy or sad) I want to acknowledge it. I don't see it as obligation and I would never expect anything in return - it's my choice to buy and I get pleasure from it.
I also don't think people always expect gifts for these events... many of my friends (and myself) specifically stated they didn't expect gifts on marriage as we'd been together so long we already had our house set up. If people wanted to do something, we set up a just giving page for a homeless shelter.
My children got a lot of gifts on birth and do still on special occasions... we always send thank you cards but I don't audit who sends them gifts! If someone didn't want to, I'd hate to think they did it anyway. Honestly, if you really don't want to celebrate your friends life events just don't buy them a gift 🤷‍♀️. They almost certainly aren't going to be that bothered

I just don’t bother about anyone then nobody can say I’m being unfair.

@Mmn654123
My childless friends do this. But most with children become so absorbed with their own family they just stop paying attention to anything but themselves. Sadly.

I couldn't agree more. When I was in my early 20s, only 1 person I knew had a child. I think in the space of a few years I'd forked out on this 1 person for an abroad hen do, wedding present, baby shower present, 1st baby birthday present, congratulations on your second pregnancy present (flowers for friend and dear husband) and birthday present (for friend and dear husband). I didn't as much receive a card in the post when my birthday rolled around. Just a text and a tinkely laugh saying 'oops completely slipped my mind, sorry!'. I never did get a card in the post as she hadn't forgotten, she just couldn't be arsed.
She gets nothing now we are in our 30s and she went on to have 2 more kids . Nope. Not playing that game.

[quote DilemmaADay]@Mmn654123
My childless friends do this. But most with children become so absorbed with their own family they just stop paying attention to anything but themselves. Sadly.

I couldn't agree more. When I was in my early 20s, only 1 person I knew had a child. I think in the space of a few years I'd forked out on this 1 person for an abroad hen do, wedding present, baby shower present, 1st baby birthday present, congratulations on your second pregnancy present (flowers for friend and dear husband) and birthday present (for friend and dear husband). I didn't as much receive a card in the post when my birthday rolled around. Just a text and a tinkely laugh saying 'oops completely slipped my mind, sorry!'. I never did get a card in the post as she hadn't forgotten, she just couldn't be arsed.
She gets nothing now we are in our 30s and she went on to have 2 more kids . Nope. Not playing that game.[/quote]
I feel like the only actually relevant thing here though is that you got her a birthday present and she didn't get one back. I wouldn't buy someone a birthday present if they didn't get me one because I'd assume that that meant we weren't doing them anymore. What I had or hadn't bought them for any other occasion, or what they had or hadn't bought me, doesn't seem relevant - birthday presents are usually reciprocal.

Wedding presents were to set up your new home, because it is expensive to buy a load of furniture all at once. And you’ve just spent all your savings on a buffet in a marquee. Nowadays most people are bought stuff by their families when they go to university or buy their first home, aren’t they? And I’ve bought loads of people housewarming presents. So same difference.

Baby shower presents are baby stuff. Again, because there is a lot to buy upfront and it is nice to share the cost. There is the thing of push rings or whatever they are called, but I have literally never met anyone in real life whose DH was creepy enough to buy one.