To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

I wonder if the Academy could provide a chaperone on some occasions. I’m sure they would try and accommodate if they were aware of the situation.

I bet OP has family or friends who will be horrified to hear of her partner's abandonment during this time of need & will hopefully step up to support her during this difficult time.

I prefer to be on my own it panics me with other people there.

Oh OP, I do feel for you and am sending you love and strength. Pondering the future of your relationship is the very last thing you need right now.

How is your DP usually? Kind, sensitive, supportive? How does he support you day to day outside of chemo situation? How does he treat your DD? Has this reaction to your cancer surprised you, or does it follow a pattern?

There's no doubt, what he's doing is dreadful. How has he been affected by your diagnosis? I only ask as I know you had plans in place, but then this new glittery shiny thing (your SC being scouted) has appeared and he's just grasped onto it without considering the consequences, because it's something bright, positive and full of hope, rather than the reality of a partner who is ill with all the associated worry and fear.

It also could be that he has horrendous guilt about not living with his kids all the time, and so this chance to do something special with his son has eclipsed everything else. I'm absolutely not defending him - it's beyond the pale that this situation has occurred, but I do wonder if he's struggling with it and doesn't want to let on?

While you absolutely shouldn't have to - you do need to raise it AGAIN. And yes, it's shocking that you have to, but you need to very clearly lay it on the line. Every other weekend should be fine for normal activities, but you need his support during your treatment. This means being there for the treatment, taking you there and back, staying with you to make sure you have everything you need, stroking your brow and bringing you food and drink and being on hand should you feel rotten. How he responds to this will tell you everything you need to know.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but do know you have the MN team of cheerleaders in your pocket.

You are the top priority in these circumstances, OP. I really hope he’s just got his head in the sand because he’s frightened, not an uncaring bastard who doesn’t deserve a wife or children.

He should (at least) swap his weekends so he’s always there for you after your chemo days. Best of luck with your treatment xx

Hmm. Been there, and was struck by how life has to go on despite chemotherapy. I would have liked to have had people's presence and to have been prioritised occasionally above my own children, but in the end I realised that changing my expectations was the only way of managing the horrendous plate-spinning that my treatment was causing my husband to have to execute. For your own peace of mind, I would shift your expectations now. Treatment is a marathon, not a sprint, and those people calling your husband names perhaps need to understand the toll that cancer treatment takes on the partners who are suddenly faced with having to get absolutely everything right, or to be damned forever by their social and family circle. Hope your treatment goes well!

By having treatment on the Friday when both children are with there respective other parent it means neither see me poorly and gives me 3 days to pull myself together.

Please do check with your medical team about the timing of your body's response to the chemo. It would be very unusual for the worst effects to be evident on the day/day after. It's generally the opposite of what you're expecting. Your children are most likely to see you ill between day 3 and 5.

To those suggesting the OP stays with a friend/uncle/cousin after treatment, just NO. The last thing you need is to be in someone else’s house. Would you even want to be in a relative’s house when you are feeling unwell? Sick? Unable to leave your room? I was able to get up and dressed ( had to get to hospital every weekday anyway), but needed to rest, and cry and administer medicines and food supplements through a peg, and keep rinsing my poor ulcerated mouth. Sorry, it’s not about me, but hell, do you need your own home and privacy at this time.

I must be living on another planet because in what bloody universe does a child’s hobby (who has another parent who can take him) trump someone going through cancer treatment and who needs their partner for support.Sorry like but it doesn’t. Ugh. Just because others did it alone or whatever doesn’t mean the OP should have to. You’re not being unreasonable OP.

I can't believe anyone with any compassion thinks it's ok for DP to take his child to the hobby.

If it's that vital his mother can do it. If she won't then it will have to be missed.

DP needs to be there for you. If he can't see that then he isn't worth keeping.

Well she'll be facing it alone if she takes all your advice and dumps him now when she'll need him the most

Even if anyone had advised OP to dump her DH - which they did not - there is plenty of evidence to suggest outcomes in life generally and health specifically are better with no partner than an unsupportive one.

OP I wish you well. I would have one last conversation where you very simply say “I need you to pick me up from hospital and be with me all day Saturday”.

You might follow up after what I imagine will be a long and playful pause followed by an inadequate “what do I do with Fred?” With “what do you suggest I do”.

Push some of this back on to him.

I can't understand why your DP is prioritising a completely optional and repeatable hobby time above caring for his partner in her time of need.

At the moment you are the priority- if his mother can facilitate the hobby then he should absolutely be with you to support you. Sending love and good wishes for your treatment xx

This isn’t even about your dss, this is about your partner. His wants over your needs. And your dss ‘s mum’s wants / nervousness over your needs. I’m shocked at comments by posters such as Therewereroses suggesting you should look at alternatives. Absolutely not. Your health, safety and security is paramount. You have been told that you need to have people with you. If he isn’t going to step up, you are going to need a cast iron alternative. Staying alone overnight is not an option. If he still isn’t going to listen, especially for treatment 1, I don’t see how there is a way forward for you because he cannot be trusted. And this needs to be spelled out to him in this way. His desire to be at his son’s hobby is not more important that potentially preventing your death.

YADNBU. I am so sorry for the position you are in. He is being spectacularly cruel and revealing where you lie in his heart and priorities. I wish you so much luck with your treatment. You will doubtless be giving your future a lot of thought. It may well be a happier one without him in it.

@SeaShoreGalore

I would be so upset to know that I wasn't my partner's priority, even when having fucking cancer treatment - I mean, if not then, when? Never. That's when.

Exactly

My youngest has been through chemo, and whilst I know some drugs are worse than others, you just don't know how it's going to affect you. When he was having the harsher drug (EOW), he was very poorly .

TBH your DP's attitude would have me questioning the relationship. I'd be expecting him to at least start the chemo with you being the absolute priority, then depending on how you are he may be available to attend the hobby with his DS

I didn't get on with DS1's step mum, never saw eye to eye, but if she'd been in this position then I would have done whatever I could to help. Does she even know?

It's not even 'DSC mum can take him or he will have to miss it'. OP said there are other family members able to take him.
I may be wrong but it feels to me like the dad is revelling in the glory of his son being chosen for an academy and is actually being quite selfish insisting he does all the weekends. How about the boys grandad? An uncle/auntie? I'm sure many people would be able to do a favour and occasionally take the boy, some may even really enjoy the chance to get to see him play.
I know it's something to celebrate (getting picked for an academy) but also dad needs to realise the chances of this turning into anything professional are so so slim (is it football??) there are always so many disappointed kids and dads when they inevitably don't get kept on because they don't reach the height target/simply aren't good enough.

@justwaydamin

I don't think it's nice to bit off another posters head for advising that you may actually feel ok

I don't think op bit anyone's head off but even I, as a complete outsider, was getting frustrated over what lemonroses was posting. I'm sure she was aiming for 'positive mental attitude' but it came across as dismissive and know-it-all.

Agreed.

She should have hushed up after she made her point once. Instead she has laboured it and it’s good to see Op bite back.

Not she needs to do the same with her OH. Dig deep and channel the anger!

Chemotherapy treatments vary as do the combinations. I was like the walking death and I’d rather someone had prepared me. Because I was led to believe it wasn’t a huge deal these days. It can be goddam brutal. Neutropenia sepsis is terrifying. Plus complications, fainting, blood transfusions.

I think people are feeling a personal criticism. None is intended and I fully understand people cope in different ways. It’s assumed mine was some sort of easy chemo and uncomplicated pathway. That isn’t the case. I had a very toxic regime, so had all the echocardiograms etc beforehand and afterwards. I had an anaphylactic reaction to one drug and had to miss the last dose. I had sepsis twice and an armful of DVTs that resulted in lifelong changes. That didn’t mean I needed someone to make me drinks or that I couldn’t drive myself to chemo.
Side effects were not on chemo days. They often aren’t. They occur when white cell count drops a few days later.
Expecting the worse often exacerbates problems. Going into something only hearing bad news stories increases anxiety. Sometimes it’s perfectly possible to do things for yourself.

I remember one woman who started at same time as me. She arrived for her first round with five family members. They held her can of cola and put the straw to her lips before she’d even started the drug infusion. She might well have been frightened, but treating her like an invalid before she’d even started was not helpful to her. It certainly wasn’t necessary.

There is some interesting research about the nocebo effect and psychological impact of preconceptions about side effects. Everyone assumes it’s going to be awful. Oncologist have to talk through all the potential side effects to get information consent. People then think they almost definitely will get those side effects and start behaving as if they have them already. That’s not weakness or dismissive, it’s just what happens.

Sometimes it’s not that awful in reality. Sometimes you don’t get cardiac failure (mostly) and sometimes your hair grows back (mainly). Lots of people (most in fact) see cancer as about the worst possible illness. They assume it’s a death sentence. That’s not helpful to anyone. Most cancers are not. The vast majority of people are cured of prostate, breast, thyroid, skin and testicular cancers. That’s good news but we rarely hear good news.

If people feel they need support, of course they should be supported. My point is that not everyone does and thinking it’s going to be awful is more likely to result in it being awful. Sometimes you have to wait and see rather than assuming you’ll not be able to make a cup of coffee.

She should have hushed up after she made her point once. Instead she has laboured it and it’s good to see Op bite back.

I was just reading this then refreshed and what a surprise, she's back making the same point again!

@BungleandGeorge

Have you spoken to your team about timing of any possible side effects. Things like neutropenia are usually delayed. From what I understand he will be doing every Friday night at this hobby? That means he will be leaving you alone to care for your daughter every other weekend? I’m worried you might feel worse those weekends. Basically he enjoys this hobby whatever it is and doesn’t want to give it up, rather than nobody else can take the child. What a selfish prick. Chemo does vary a lot and so do individual responses to it, he may be able to go back to the hobby if you cope well but he shouldn’t plan that before you’ve started. You sound understandably very worried and stressed. can you speak to the counsellor at the clinic or a support group, they are usually really well funded and available.

This is a good point. DS usually became neutropenic about 7-10 days after chemo. He'd then be high risk of needing to be admitted to hospital and wouldn't have been able to go to a shop or anything. So you could be left with your daughter when you're at your most vulnerable

@LemonRoses

Chemotherapy treatments vary as do the combinations. I was like the walking death and I’d rather someone had prepared me. Because I was led to believe it wasn’t a huge deal these days. It can be goddam brutal. Neutropenia sepsis is terrifying. Plus complications, fainting, blood transfusions.

I think people are feeling a personal criticism. None is intended and I fully understand people cope in different ways. It’s assumed mine was some sort of easy chemo and uncomplicated pathway. That isn’t the case. I had a very toxic regime, so had all the echocardiograms etc beforehand and afterwards. I had an anaphylactic reaction to one drug and had to miss the last dose. I had sepsis twice and an armful of DVTs that resulted in lifelong changes. That didn’t mean I needed someone to make me drinks or that I couldn’t drive myself to chemo.
Side effects were not on chemo days. They often aren’t. They occur when white cell count drops a few days later.
Expecting the worse often exacerbates problems. Going into something only hearing bad news stories increases anxiety. Sometimes it’s perfectly possible to do things for yourself.

I remember one woman who started at same time as me. She arrived for her first round with five family members. They held her can of cola and put the straw to her lips before she’d even started the drug infusion. She might well have been frightened, but treating her like an invalid before she’d even started was not helpful to her. It certainly wasn’t necessary.

There is some interesting research about the nocebo effect and psychological impact of preconceptions about side effects. Everyone assumes it’s going to be awful. Oncologist have to talk through all the potential side effects to get information consent. People then think they almost definitely will get those side effects and start behaving as if they have them already. That’s not weakness or dismissive, it’s just what happens.

Sometimes it’s not that awful in reality. Sometimes you don’t get cardiac failure (mostly) and sometimes your hair grows back (mainly). Lots of people (most in fact) see cancer as about the worst possible illness. They assume it’s a death sentence. That’s not helpful to anyone. Most cancers are not. The vast majority of people are cured of prostate, breast, thyroid, skin and testicular cancers. That’s good news but we rarely hear good news.

If people feel they need support, of course they should be supported. My point is that not everyone does and thinking it’s going to be awful is more likely to result in it being awful. Sometimes you have to wait and see rather than assuming you’ll not be able to make a cup of coffee.

And until you know which category you call into, the person you love most in the world should be by your side. If they aren’t needed every visit, decide that when you know the facts. Not when you are still speculating.

Why can he not take son to the academy, drop him to his parents house, drive back to you and drive back next day. His child who would be too tired to do this doesn't have to. Your 'D'H could though ?

@notapizzaeater

Why can he not take son to the academy, drop him to his parents house, drive back to you and drive back next day. His child who would be too tired to do this doesn't have to. Your 'D'H could though ?

Because that would make way too much sense!

I think the issue us making plans for yo to 6 months on the basis of what might happen when this would have a significant impact on his child.

The reality is that at this point, you don't know how you will react, which days will be worse, if you'll actually might want to be left alone etc...

What you need to do is agree to reconsider the situation in a week by week basis based in how you react and what your needs are for that week.

He needs to consider different options. Fjr instance, taking his child to stay with his parents and they take him to the academy whilst he comes back on the Friday if indeed, the worse for you is the night afterwards.

It is unfair to expect him to punish his child and stop him doing something that could be a life changing opportunity on the basis of what might happen.

However, if he lives you, he should agree to consider your needs as and when they arise and show some flexibility accordingly.