To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

The names the partner is being called here are unfair. He is in an incredibly difficult position where no matter what he does he will be letting down someone that he loves and who deserves to be a priority.

He is not in a difficult position. There are other options available to get his son to the academy, etc. He just wants to do it himself, even when it's the mother's weekend to have her son.

And actually, it would do son and mother good to have time together at this hobby, because otherwise dad is encroaching on all the weekend quality time available.

I strongly suspect dad/OP's DP simply wants to hang around to bask in his son's glory.

But OP needs him to be there for the first couple of sessions and overnight, as a bare minimum. And if he were a decent person, he'd have sorted arrangements for this already.

Right now, OP has no idea how she will be affected. It is definitely a time when you prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Arrangements can be adjusted later on, when OP has some experience of how she feels.

Sending much love. Ignore Wonderwoman. There are so many different types of chemo, some yes people can work through but others you really can’t. DH had a chemo regime mentioned upthread which was tough going. I didn’t drive him there as I was working - we ended up with a rota of people but I would never have dreamed of staying away overnight. During round 1 and 2, we ended up calling the out of hours service for extra antisickness meds - I had to do that. He couldn’t have done it by himself. Once that was sorted by cycle 3 then and we knew what to expect things were much better but I didn’t like committing to things even then around treatments.

I hope that when you speak to him again he gets it. YANBU at all in needing support and if he cannot understand that then he really is a twat.

And at the very least I need my DP to be here for me for the first few weeks until we know exactly how I will react and we can gauge a proper sense of when I will need the support the most
That's very reasonable.

And so is not to do overnights. He can leave early and his kid will cope. At least until/unless you find you are fine at night and not needing emergency care.

Yanbu in any shape or form and anyone who thinks you are needs to seriously take a look at themselves. A hobby even one that dsc has potential to compete in at national level is not at the same importance as a person having a life threatening condition. You absolutely should be the priority and it shouldn't need pointing out. Your oh should have already asked his ex or a family member to facilitate as you would potentially not only need physical but emotional support too. I would speak to him plainly again and see what he comes up with, if he isn't supportive of you then op you have a very difficult decision to make. I would ask those family and friends that have offered help to see if they can come up with a rota system of help for you, so someone drops you off on Friday, someone picks you up and stays a few hours, someone drops off food, someone pops over on Saturday to give you some company, make or eat breakfast with you, etc. You may need more emotional support than physical,the point is though until your treatment starts you just won't know and that is scary. If the person you call your partner is not there for you when you are at your most vulnerable then they are not someone worthy of sharing your life in my opinion.

I wish you all the luck in the world and will keep everything crossed that your treatment outcome is positive x

I too wish you luck, op.

I certainly don't wish to worry you but in my friends experience the chem side effects increased with each session so you can't predict from one to the next.

You need to be looked after and supported.

Making a list of who and when can support you or even a WhatsAp group so you can get a response quickly when you need it.

Thats what we did with my friend.
We had a group and she let us know what she needed at times.
It made the response time very quick with no back and forth.

You will get through this, but it's very important that your stress isn't added to by not being supported.

You’d need to ask? :( I hope all goes well for you 💐

I'd have hoped that he would have offered all of this off his own back and you wouldn't have to have the conversation with him. I'd be extremely upset at him at this point.

I'm glad you're having a further conversion him about this, he needs to step up big time

I'm just out the other side, bless you on your journey and I hope it goes well.

You are going to need a lot of love and care. I think this will become evident

What a sad post. YANBU OP. I really hope that your treatment goes well and that you get the support you need.

OP, I am so sorry you are facing this illness with such an unsupportive partner.

As PP have suggested please ensure you have friends there to support you as it is clear you cannot count on your ‘D’P to support you. The group What’s App is a good idea.

At this point, focus on yourself and your recovery. All you can do it make sure you have as much in place to look after you as possible. As for your partner, my goodness I would love to have a word or two directly with him!

Hmmmm. They don't get it unless it is spelt out to them in foot high capital letters. Because he hasn't been to any of the appointwith you, he hasn't experienced an external person doing that serious voice, head tilt, leaflet in hand, in another small room (so many small room experiences when one has cancer) telling you serious stuff. Well done you on doing that alone. When you get home and have to impart bad news, we tend to minimise or they see their partner who always copes. I found cancer to be the time which gave me permission not to 'cope'. I did, of course and trooped my way through four operations but really now is the time to make a fuss and come first. Your chemo sounds brutal and if you are ill in the night you will need rushing in. He needs this spelling out. For the first sessions, until a routine is established and how you feel and manage then the hobby (which the reality is is not going to really turn into a professional sports level) is going to have to be on hold or his mum has to step up.

Big girl pants on and you insist. Make him read the eleventy million MacMillan leaflets you get. Does he want to be known as the guy who left his partner coping with cancer because he will be judged. Time for the child to learn that some things are more importan5 too.

Good luck, best wishes. You can do this.

@Slumcat

Yep definitely the same cancer! YANBU you’re going to need him x

Same here, it's a tough journey. I was in hospital best part of 3.5 months with time at home too being looked after- I did and still do needed it.

Blood cancer drugs are the strongest of the chemotherapy administered

All I wanted was to do whatever I could to make things easier for her. That meant taking refresher driving lessons so I could do all the driving to all her appointment's. It meant coordinating care and support for our dog and her elderly mum, dealing with all of house/life admin, frequent trips to collect meds from hospital over an hour away or local pharmacies, frequent calls to the out of hours team which she wasn't able to make. Learning lots about chemo and nutrition and shopping and cooking to her evolving tastes. Nothing was an effort. It was a new side to married life. It was what she needed and I wanted to do. He is a prat if he chooses to dodge away from experiencing this at your side.

The child's hobby isn't the most important thing in this situation. You and your health are.

He needs to be available to jump into action when needed. It's satisfying doing so. Tiring but satisfying. It's what you do when you love someone.

If my partner did not put me first in this situation I’m not sure I’d forgive it. His child has another parent to facilitate the sport, or he has friends and family that can go on a rota. He may be sticking his head in the sand, but if not then he needs to told he’s being an idiot.

I don't think YABU..

I do think however that your partner is clinging to his childs hobby as a way to bury his head in the sand and not think about horrible scary things.

I suspect you've asked and hinted and put it like 'will you still be doing xyz'... when you should have said:

:I will NEED you to be here for me for at least the first few treatments, they are on X day, if necessary you can work out some other arrangements to see your DS on other days. Once I know how the treatment affects me this may change, but I don't know until I've been through it a few times'

IF he then says no then yeah I think you need to really think about this relationship.

You aren't trying to stop him seeing his DS, he's not losing time with his child, he's just not able to go to EVERY single one of these sports academy things. That is hardly unreasonable!

You are 100% the priority and other arrangements need to be found, you need to be supported through treatment. I'm not sure what treatment you're having and absolutely understand that all treatment is different with different effects but having recently supported my mum through 18 months of treatment I can say that she absolutely needed someone to take her, bring her home, make her dinner and generally do anything she needed after treatment. My Dad was bloody hopeless and my mum tried to carry on as if nothing was happening which didn't help with my Dad pulling his weight or recognising that she needed support. But also understand that he was in denial and wanting to carry on as normal was the way he coped with everything. I really wish you all the best with treatment, its a scary time but there is lots of support out there xx

[quote Wontgoquietly]@GreenHairThingy

Thank you. Providing context has helped me shelve the wonderwomams comments and feel a little less shit for being worried about my treatment and its effects. [/quote]
Best of luck tonight.

I Dont think you should have to justify WHY you would like your partner to be there when you return from chemo. It’s a tough treatment, you don’t know how your body will handle it yet and it’s understandably scary. He should at least shelve the first few hobby sessions, and see how you go , you are ill and need his support.
Hope treatment goes well for you abd you get better x

Just to update we have spoke again this evening and he has agreed he needs to be home on my treatment day and that I shouldn't be left alone overnight.

The Saturday session will still go ahead as normal but I can arrange for someone to be here if need them to be.

I just don't think he fully understood the severity of things, so after me explaining about how quickly things can go wrong with sepsis and allergic reactions for example it hit home that I obviously wouldn't be best placed to deal with that alone.

I just want to thank everyone for their words of support.

Obviously this is a very stressful time for me and most of you have been wonderful.

Thank you

Great update OP, well done for dealing with it so calmly.

Please let us know how your treatment goes, if you feel up to it.