To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

@LemonRoses Nobody’s assuming anything but ‘prepare for the worst, hope for the best’ springs to kind surely?
This thread is about whether OP is being U in wanting support. The answer is yes all around whether she sails through chemo or not. Even if she did come through with zero symptoms it’s not unreasonable to expect a loving spouse to PRIORITISE her.
Does it suck that his son has the opportunity of a lifetime and partner got cancer at the same time? Yes
Does this mean he can completely ignore her needs? NO
Your posts really aren’t contributing much beyond making OP feel guilty

@dontdisturbmenow if you’ve RTFT you’d see that he could go every other week but insists on going every week, the son has other people to take him (but some like the mother of the boy is ‘just nervous’ driving), and he possibly .::could choose to drop the boy and drive back instead of all staying over at his parents house.... other options not even considered....

WHY isn't he tying himself in knots trying to support you? For me, this would be a huge red flag. I'd be showing him the door and making sure any financial entanglements were tidied pronto.

Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him as mum is unavailable and doesn't like driving out of town after a RTA has left her particularly nervous.

Why can't she take taxis?

The reality of course is not that it's essential that your OP takes his son, but that he wants to be there. Which is understandable, but no-one is saying he can't be there at least some of the time. What it comes down to is that, over the 6 months of your treatment, he will be there for 13 sessions and miss 13 sessions - possibly less as I suspect the academy won't happen over half terms and school holidays. It seems to me a no-brainer that, given that there are plenty of other candidates for the academy run, your treatment and wellbeing comes first on those 13 occasions.

It is unfair to expect him to punish his child and stop him doing something that could be a life changing opportunity on the basis of what might happen.

This is irrelevant - there is no reason why the child should be stopped going to the academy. It's fully established that there are other people who can take him.

I'm sorry OP this sounds awful.

I don't want to sound harsh, but in some ways I think you've been sending him mixed messages.

I think you probably do need to spell out to him that you are expected to be very poorly after each session and that you simply cannot imagine how you will be able to cope on your own. Maybe he needs to hear this from your team - as you say, he hasn't been able to attend your appointments with you so has been shielded from the severity of it all (you also seem to be trying to protect everyone).

If, once it has all been spelled out to him, he still cannot see the problem them I would be reconsidering the relationship.

But, as long as you keep tell him it's OK, you'll cope, you'll find a solution, then that is what he will take on board. You need to tell him it's not OK, you need his presence, you can't cope alone...

Good luck OP, I wish you all the best.

@Pleatherandlace

If your partner isn’t there to support you when you’re having chemo doe cancer then really, what is the point of the relationship? I think whether you have side effects or not is almost irrelevant, you need emotional support. If he can’t offer this now then when will he? Probably never.

This. Step son could be taken to the hobby by his mother or paternal grandmother ( who lives nearby ) .

Or even be sent in a taxi for a day or two ( I’m assuming he’s a mid teenager if the activity is semi pro ).

How is your relationship with the rest of your partner’s family OP? Could you email them and lay this all out and ask them for help at least for the first few sessions so that your partner can be with you?

You absolutely shouldn’t have to do this, of course. Is your partner usually a disgustingly selfish prick? I do get that his son being scouted as a footballer (I am assuming) is terribly terribly exciting......but you are not asking and have never asked your step son to forgo this opportunity - just that someone else could take him eow. You have cancer - someone needs to bloody well step up!

When you are through this and out the other side, I would kick this waste of space into touch. As a wise pp said, if you are not his priority now, when you have cancer, when? When??

@Ignoremeiaminvisible I'm so sorry, that's such shitty behaviour.

@Wontgoquietly, sending all good wishes for your treatment. I think you need to clearly state to your OP that you need him around at least for the first couple of treatments until you have a better idea of how you are going to cope, both physically and emotionally. You will then be better placed going forward. My DH missed my Mum's funeral for a boys' weekend away (which had already been booked) because when he asked if I minded, I said I would be 'fine'. I wanted him to want to support me, not be asked. We have talked about it since and he is so sorry he did not make the decision to be with me, but equally I should have been honest with him. I suspect if the situation were reversed you would automatically want to be with him and therefore you feel a little less loved because his reaction is different? I think some people have to have things spelt out to them. Be honest with him.

You shouldn't even have to ask this of your partner. And the fact you've asked and he still doesn't want to change the situation for you is just awful.

He definitely should support you 100%, without you even asking.
I expect if it was him having to go through chemo he would expect you by his side throughout.
He needs to stop being selfish and putting his and his child's needs first.
Surely any decent human being especially a partner would not think twice about supporting and being there for their other half.
It's not like you are asking him to stop him seeing his child and the hobby he loves. All you are asking for is him being by your side whilst you navigate this frightening journey. You shouldn't even have to ask. He should just step up and do what is right.
Good Luck OP.

The names the partner is being called here are unfair. He is in an incredibly difficult position where no matter what he does he will be letting down someone that he loves and who deserves to be a priority. It’s just a combination of timing and circumstances and bad luck, it doesn’t make him a selfish, horrible human being.

It may be that there isn’t one perfect solution, and on some weeks the family will need help to ensure that the son doesn’t miss out on an amazing opportunity, which he no doubt deserves after the year we’ve all had, and to ensure that OP is properly supported during her treatment. There is no reason why ALL this support has to come from the step sons mother, who has given a valid reason as to why she can’t take him. It’s debatable, but if someone says they can’t drive long distances to somewhere unknown late at night then they should be believed, because the rest of us don’t need that person on the roads. We have no idea if the mother has other children or the grandparents have reasons why they can’t take the son. It may be that they can facilitate it some times, but not all the time. It may be that OPs friends and family would be more than willing and capable of helping out on treatment days. There are solutions that can be explored without the partner completely letting down one of the two most important people in his life.

other options not even considered....
He might be considering other options, just not finalising them until he level of OP's needs become evident.

When my MIL started treatment, we'd made plans on how the whole day would support her as she lived alone. It was all detailed, who would go which day etc...

The reality was completely different. As someone pointed out, it was the day if treatment of afterwards she needed the most help. As it is, she slept most of the following day and just wanted to be alone. It was 3 days later that she needed most support, psychologically and physically. We had to review our plans because in these days, it was her daughter she wanted most.

I don't think he is being unreasonable now not to commit to a plan that will significantly impact on others. I would find him totally Unreasonable if OP was poorly, upset, unable to care for herself on these days and he said that he still had to take his son not even asking for his parents or ex to help.

@Itgetsthehoseagain

Hmm. Been there, and was struck by how life has to go on despite chemotherapy. I would have liked to have had people's presence and to have been prioritised occasionally above my own children, but in the end I realised that changing my expectations was the only way of managing the horrendous plate-spinning that my treatment was causing my husband to have to execute. For your own peace of mind, I would shift your expectations now. Treatment is a marathon, not a sprint, and those people calling your husband names perhaps need to understand the toll that cancer treatment takes on the partners who are suddenly faced with having to get absolutely everything right, or to be damned forever by their social and family circle. Hope your treatment goes well!

He isn’t juggling anything though is he? That’s the point. He’s proceeding as normal, as if his wife doesn’t have cancer and is leaving it to her to figure everything out.

This is NOT a difficult position for the partner. This is simply about prioritising his time, and someone having aggressive chemo for cancer trumps jollying along with dss to his hobby when there are numerous other people who could take him there. The dss will miss out on nothing, the op will miss out on support at her most vulnerable point, when she could potentially be very badly affected by her treatment. It’s perfectly reasonable for them to reassess if the chemo is reasonably tolerated, but really, if you can’t say I will be there for you when this major life event is happening, then why are you there at all?

I really hope your treatment goes well op, and that you get the support you need.

The names the partner is being called here are unfair. He is in an incredibly difficult position where no matter what he does he will be letting down someone that he loves and who deserves to be a priority.

But why would he be letting down his son? His son can and will get to the academy, the only difference is that every other weekend his dad won't be hanging around all day. I suspect that, as time goes on, that will be preferable - he'll want to talk to friends he makes there during the breaks, rather than his dad.

There is no reason why ALL this support has to come from the step sons mother, who has given a valid reason as to why she can’t take him. It’s debatable, but if someone says they can’t drive long distances to somewhere unknown late at night then they should be believed, because the rest of us don’t need that person on the roads.

No, it doesn't have to come from his mother, and she doesn't have to drive. There are such things as taxis.

I don't think he is being unreasonable now not to commit to a plan that will significantly impact on others.

I don't think OP is asking him to commit indefinitely, is she? She just wants him to commit in the early stages when, on the basis of the advice she's been given, she has to assume the worst. I've seen no indication that she plans to make her DH commit to a rigid routine if it should turn out that in fact she can manage perfectly well without him.

But why would he be letting down his son? His son can and will get to the academy, the only difference is that every other weekend his dad won't be hanging around all day. I suspect that, as time goes on, that will be preferable - he'll want to talk to friends he makes there during the breaks, rather than his dad.

It’s a huge assumption to make that he will want to talk to people other than his Dad, we don’t know that. For all we know, he’s really looking forward to spending that time with his dad considering he only sees him once a week at best.

Yes, taxis exist. Who is going to pay for them? Is he old enough to get a taxi by himself? Does the club need children to be supervised by a parent?

All I’m saying is that it’s not fair to criticise the father in this situation for not automatically dumping a responsibility he took on for his own son and leaving it to his ex and family to sort. He has responsibility to both his child and his partner, and there is more than one way for the OP to be supported through her treatment as well. It shouldn’t have to be that the only person who can possibly look after her on that first night and morning after treatment is her dp. If my friend were in this situation, I’d gladly help out once a fortnight.

I think people have missed that part
Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him
OP emphasized the really, but to be, it says that he is prepared to make other arrangements, but only after he knows for a fact that OP will need him. I don't see what's reasonable with this.

I don’t care if his kid is the next Tiger Woods. A hobby- anyone’s hobby- does not take priority over supporting your partner through chemotherapy. For fuck’s sake.

It could easily be said that a new partner doesn’t take priority over supporting your own child, but that wouldn’t be fair either.

Some people can handle this better than others, you maybe one of these people. Equally you may not. Time will tell.
This is akin to the "you can fight it/ he lost the battle" type of comments. As though it's somehow the patient's fault for not trying hard enough.

You may find that the Friday of your treatment is by no means the worst day. As I said in my earlier post I was certainly unfit to drive myself home after treatment but that was because I was drugged not because I felt ill. My worst day was usually day 3.
If this proves tobe the case for you, you may want to try and switch days. It's not always possible though. Plus there is often a delay in treatment if your blood counts are too low from the previous treatment they will send you home and defer for a few days so you may end up being treated on a different day anyway.

@LemonRoses
This isn’t about the cancer bomb, that as you say a lot of people wrongly think is the worst thing to happen to anyone in illness terms. This is about supporting a partner and to take them to medical appointments and be near them until it is established whether or not it is safe for them to be / go alone. The responses would be the same if it was op not being collected from major surgery or not being supported for a first dialysis appointment etc.

I’m so sorry to hear all you have said OP. This is so sad. Many many sincere best wishes, love and prayers for you, and your daughter, through this immensely difficult time. I really do hope you pull through the other side. Please try, if you can, however hard it may be, to dig down deep, and draw some positivity within you. You sound quite an amazing person. Very best of luck to you.

This is probably not the best time, but in due course, I would be seriously considering my relationship with DP if he acted the way yours is. I don’t care how much he’s struggling with this, you are struggling far more. You need support, love and taking care of. He’s not doing that. You are definitely the priority here, and it sounds like there are alternative solutions to DSC activity, that are just being poo-pooed. I wouldn’t see my partner in the same light after this behaviour.

Is there any chance you can stay in hospital for the Friday into Saturday. My local hospital arranges ambulance transport for those who cannot be dropped off and picked up, in severe circumstances and for certain conditions. It may be worth asking.

All the very best of luck xx