To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

A hobby- anyone’s hobby- does not take priority over supporting your partner through chemotherapy. For fuck’s sake
But that's not the situation. At least not yet. OP has not even started treatment yet.

OP wants him to say that for the next 6 months, she wants him to stop taking his son to be with her assuming she will absolutely definitely need him.

That's an unfair demand of commitment in advance of knowing for sure what her needs will be.

If after 4 treatments of feeling absolutely rubbish on these days, not able to care for herself, OP posts that he refused to even try to look at alternatives because he doesn't want to kiss out on playing golf with his son (or whatever it is), then yes, the response from me will definitely be to dump him.

Yanbu I hope all your treatment is very successful.🌷

I generally take the stance that a child’s routine should not be disrupted, but I think in this case your dp is bvu. Honestly, this would make me rethink the entire relationship. Yes you have coped on your own previously, but you shouldn’t have to in a relationship. I would also think that his ex is extremely selfish to not step up eow in these circumstances.

I hope your treatment goes well.

I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear you have to undergo chemotherapy. I had 16 rounds last year (ACT) and there is no way I could have driven the 10ks for treatment. I guess I could have survived at home if I lived alone - but it was so much better with DH around to support me. To be fair to your DH, i guess it is hard for him too but he needs to be there.

I mean be there for you (DH didn’t stay during the treatment as I didn’t want him too! Very boring 7+ hours).

I replied earlier but it doesn't seem to have posted.

In summary, I'm so sorry op and I've been through very similar (the treatment and the partner's attitude). I let it go on for a few months; dp was prioritising daughter's hobby and expecting me to figure it out while he did agree to come if I was stuck. So I'd be getting the train and calling in favours from friends. Friends assumed it was an emergency, often cancelling work commitments to help.

I totally lost it at one stage. His daughter wanting to go horseriding was not more important than everyone else. His attitude was all wrong saying "if I can I will". I had to spell it out in black and white. At the moment my needs trump yours and hers. I'm very ill. You need to explain this to her and let her know if you can you will, once I am sorted. He did but frankly it impacted our relationship that it got to that stage before he saw my pov.

I really really urge you to do this now. He should be marking your treatment Fridays as unavailable unless you happen to be managing fine. Put another few friends in the emergency team - you might need childcare in the middle of the night or whatever.

Oh and the poster minimising your treatment is just disgusting. That attitude of 'some people manage better' makes me so angry. If you find yourself on a drip delirious with a fever enduring very painful pneumonia watchign your parent's funeral on a screen as you're too sick to stand up nevermind attend... Let me know how well you cope.

I really think you need to spell it out to him.

It suits him for you to imply you will somehow cope.

Him not wanting to miss the experience with his child in the face of how tough things will be for you, is very disturbing.

Kindly I think you need to spell it out that your relationship will NEVER recover from his perceived lack of kindness and support.

Do NOT allow him to use the argument that he didn't realise and you should have told him!

@Wontgoquietly

I've made arrangements for my child to be with her dad on treatment weeks. I'm having the treatment on a Friday and it's his weekend anyway as the treatment is administered EOW.

I know some people breeze through chemo however the drugs used to treat my particular type of cancer are very very strong and have some pretty nasty side effects. unfortunately my cancer is of the immune system so every cell has to be targeted.

I've been told what to expect and I'll be honest it's very daunting. I'm terrified I wont be the same person at the end of my treatment but that's a whole other thread.

Everyone who I have spoken to who have had this treatment (via a local support group) have experienced complications of varying degrees. Infection risk is accelerated because of my type of cancer. Sepsis is common for example multiple times throughout treatment. As is shingles.

I will be home alone the night after infusion and most of the following day.

My worry is if I become ill during that time, my temp spikes etc that I will have to call on family and friends to get me to the emergency ward promptly .

Also because of the risk of infection I cant have takeaway food throught the treatment and my diet is also limited (similar to that of a pregnant woman) so I feel generally crappy and cba to cook I'll just have to fend for myself.

Sounds like I'm dramatising but this is what I have been told to expect.

I've even had to cancel my summer holiday as it's too far away from the hospital in case of infection.

Friends all have kids of their own and work ft. My parents are disabled.

I don't think he sees it the way I do. He obviously doesn't want to jeopardise time with his child and really does enjoy the activity they do together. They both see it as bonding time.

I guess I'm just going to have to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

I'm sorry you have to endure all this.

How old is the child? How long have you been married.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

@NailsNeedDoing

But why would he be letting down his son? His son can and will get to the academy, the only difference is that every other weekend his dad won't be hanging around all day. I suspect that, as time goes on, that will be preferable - he'll want to talk to friends he makes there during the breaks, rather than his dad.

It’s a huge assumption to make that he will want to talk to people other than his Dad, we don’t know that. For all we know, he’s really looking forward to spending that time with his dad considering he only sees him once a week at best.

Yes, taxis exist. Who is going to pay for them? Is he old enough to get a taxi by himself? Does the club need children to be supervised by a parent?

All I’m saying is that it’s not fair to criticise the father in this situation for not automatically dumping a responsibility he took on for his own son and leaving it to his ex and family to sort. He has responsibility to both his child and his partner, and there is more than one way for the OP to be supported through her treatment as well. It shouldn’t have to be that the only person who can possibly look after her on that first night and morning after treatment is her dp. If my friend were in this situation, I’d gladly help out once a fortnight.

This is the weekend the son is supposed to be spending with his mum. But dad is so thrilled that his son might fulfil his own long held dream of being a professional footballer/rugby player/cricketer (delete as appropriate) that he's not only insisting he take his son to the academy after school on Friday but stays all day Saturday to watch him play.

The OP's partner is making it abundantly clear where his priorities lie. And they are not taking care of her.

This would be the end of the relationship for me. If he isn't going to support you going through this, then you're better off without him.

Good luck with the treatment. It sounds utterly gruelling

Op, it’s worth one last conversation about this with your DP. Tell him ‘I really do need you to be here with me to help me through the chemo. Will you be around or not?’ If he says not, I think I would ask him to leave because he has shown you that you are not his main priority. YANBU in the slightest.

I suspect some of the vipers who have voted YABU are the type of ex wives/partners who hate all step mothers.

I’m sorry that you are so ill and hope that your treatment works.

He’s either selfish, scared, totally oblivious or thinks he’s doing you a favour by giving you resting time. Speak to him. Most likely a misunderstanding. If not , then I’m sorry to say you have to be prepared to go through this most invasive and gruelling time without him or his support. Please reach out to tour family or close friends for help. Good luck

@Sillysandy I did see your response in the small hours of this morning. I'm sorry you have been through this nightmate too.

I plan to speak to my DP Tomorrow after work to spell out what I need and explain if he cant provide support during this time I will need to find someone who can. I would discuss it with him this evening but every Wednesday is also spent pursuing the hobby with Dsc and he wont be back till late

For PP that have said I have demanded support for the next 6 months and that I be prioritised over my DSC, this couldn't be further from the truth.

Every loose plan I have put into place has been with my family and their needs at the forefront of my mind. Such as refusing to start treatment a week earlier so as to ensure both DD and DSC are not around when I'm going through it and I cam sheild them for visually seeing me at my worst.

Of course I want life to go on as normal, but the fact is, it isn't normal right now. And at the very least I need my DP to be here for me for the first few weeks until we know exactly how I will react and we can gauge a proper sense of when I will need the support the most.

I'm not happy about being left alone overnight at any point in my treatment as things can turn ugly very quickly and if I were to need emergency care in the middle of the night who would help me? Be there for my DD.

I've not once asked DP to give up the hobby/activity during treatment. What I am asking is that he steps back on the weekend our DSC is supposed to be with their mother sand allow her to facilitate the activity. She is capable however my DP likes to do it.

My DP is also heavily involved with the organisation of the activity and would be needed every Saturday and wednesday/another week night even if DSC wasnt attending.

Again I haven't and will not expect him to cut back his involvement in this aspect but the overnight stay due to the academy is a step to far imo at this time.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. And having to constantly justify yourself on here. You really don't need that. Ignore the goady posts if you can. Your DP is failing big time here.

@LemonRoses

You might surprise yourself. Often any symptoms of chemo don’t occur until a couple of days later. Why are you assuming it will be gruelling? It’s boring but it’s not unduly awful on the day. If you don’t use a cold cap, it’s not even all day. There is very good symptom control that holds most side effects in a manageable place.

I drove myself home and worked the next day. It’s also usually not every week, but in three week cycles, so only a couple of days feeling a bit grim each month.

Maybe see how it goes. If you’re feeling a bit off colour you won’t feel like partying but can curl up watching television or dozing and he can cook when he gets back. You won’t usually need looking after in terms of physical help.

Just because you were fine the next day doesn't mean OP will be. My brother had chemo for Hodgkin's lymphoma a few years ago. He felt like shite and it messed up his lungs.

OP, good luck with your chemo.

Sorry OP to derail your thread, I just saw how upset you are and with no practical advice to offer I thought it best to give you one little break: to ignore said poster.

@GreenHairThingy

Thank you. Providing context has helped me shelve the wonderwomams comments and feel a little less shit for being worried about my treatment and its effects.

Absolutely, GreenHair!

OP, wishing you the best with your treatment. I hope your partner comes around soon and realises he needs to support you.

"My DP is also heavily involved with the organisation of the activity and would be needed every Saturday and wednesday/another week night even if DSC wasnt attending."

Oh, he's 'One Of Them'. Someone who is so caught up in how essential he is to an activity, who gets their jollies from how important it makes them feel. Does he think if he got hit by a bus the activity would all fall apart? Of course it wouldn't, others would take it over, and most likely few participants would notice any difference (might even prefer it). Likewise, if he were the one undergoing treatment and not you, the activity would trundle on without him.

TBH, as well are making arrangements for other family members to take his son to the activity on your treatment days, he should also be giving a heads-up to the others in the organisation that he may have to take a step back for a few months and give them time to rearrange themselves for Saturdays/Wednesdays. By not doing so, he could be leaving them in the shit if the other people involved commit to other activities alongside. But presumably that would only demonstrate how truly essential he is!

I am totally incensed by his sheer insensitivity to anyone else's needs. His responses to you are gobsmackingly self-centred, and yes, he SHOULD recognise that you will need him - not just want him around, but need someone there to physically do stuff as you will be so wiped by the chemo (I can still remember my mother's sheer exhaustion from hers). You will need someone to see to you being fed, and yes you will need someone there for safety as "things can turn ugly very quickly". That he doesn't recognise your needs reflects very, very badly on him, really highlights how inadequate he truly is .

I know you say you don't want to push it, but you really, really have to. Spell it out in words of one syllable that you will need him to be there, and fuck not wanting to be the bad guy! Two things in the balance, your health and his enjoyment - well, duh! Your needs trump his wants. Your stepson has a whole family that can support him in this activity; his grandparents who live near the academy, his mother, his mother's family members who she can delegate the driving to.

I suspect the reason your partner is dragging his heels on this is a combination of feeling important (ooh, it has to be me, I can add sooo much more value to this than anybody in the whole wide world) and living vicariously through his son ( "it's a hobby my DP has been involved in all his life and of course hes ecstatic because stepchild has been scouted" ). Well tough shit. It's time for him to step up to being an adult and prioritising the important things. You have enough on your plate, he needs to start acting like a partner and not an overexcited schoolboy living for his hobby. Because it is the hobby he's prioritising, not his son, not really. He sucked his son into his hobby, the hobby came first.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Not just the chemo, but the finding out who people really are when the chips are down.

Your partner is being utterly selfish OP. Whatever he has told you, there are plenty people whip can step up to his organising role that takes one night a week plus every Saturday.

I have child who plays sport at national level and no one would bat an eyelid if one of the helpers had to step down from their role for a few months because their partner was having cancer treatment.

Also I know that a child of your step sons age does NOT need a parent to stay all day. Most other parent would in fact be horrified if your husband let slip that he had left you alone and unwell so he could watch sport.

It sounds like it’s more about an ego trip for him and less about his sons needs.

If you were my friend I’d rearrange my life to come and help you.

And ignore the step mum haters here. They see step mums as less than human, whose only function is to be useful for their children.

I'm sorry you are going through such arduous treatment, hope itis successful.

I honestly don't know what to think about your husband not being with you at home when you've just had treatment.

I only know that when I am ill (and i have been ill in th past tho not like you), I want to be completely alone. Maybe he thinks you would prefer solitude, to sleep or whatever help you.

Talk to him about this.

[flowers[