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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

House move tomorrow and at my wits end with exH

195 replies

Housemovestress · 12/04/2021 23:20

Anyone who has moved house recently please tell me if AIBU.
Background - I moved out of the family home with dc’s 18 months ago and now divorced. I moved out because exH wouldn’t leave and it was untenable us living together and certainly not in the children’s best interests - he has form for verbal abuse etc.
House sale is going through tomorrow and o have bent over backwards to help him, found him a short term let whilst he waits for his new house purchase to go through, given him a full garage to store his furniture etc . He has assured me that he had a van booked for a final load in the morning.
This eve he tell me his van isn’t coming now until 4pm. We should be completing around midday. I have absolutely no control over him and I am scared there will be a big scene if I turn up as he would think nothing of screaming at me in front of our buyers.
The house will be theirs and he will still have stuff there for hours after - I am completely mortified. How would you feel if you were our buyers? I don’t know if I should ring our buyer in the morning and pre-warn her, exH is telling me to keep out of it, it’s his house move - however it is legally me who is selling it!
I am stressed

OP posts:

poppycat10 · 13/04/2021 12:20

Wishing you a good move and that your new buyer is a BIG man and your ex behaves

This.

On rubbish removal firms, our last house was on an estate between three railway lines and there were two bridges in and out, so they had to use smaller vans to get under the bridges. We told them that several times and they said yes of course. Of course on the day we moved, they turn up with standard size van and had to go back for a different one. Fortunately our buyers were first timers so not having to vacate a house for buyers themselves and kindly gave us leeway.

But why oh why won't companies listen to you?

poppycat10 · 13/04/2021 12:21

(and it was the middle of summer so plenty of daylight)

Kissingspines · 13/04/2021 12:22

I can see why you’re not leaving the flowers and wine in the house. Your ex sounds like the type to crush the flowers into the carpet and keep the wine for himself!

theliverpoolone · 13/04/2021 12:33

I am at all these tales of people not starting to pack till the day of the move! I spent a few weeks packing, and doing trips to the tip, on my last move, and even then was frantic on moving day trying to clean and get the last bits together in time.

Good luck OP, hope things are going more smoothly than expected.

crazylikechocolate · 13/04/2021 12:38

I really hope today is going ok ,
Your ex sounds like a total ass , he's doing this as it's his way of showing you he's still in control which of course he isn't . Hold in there and you will be rid of him and his nasty controlling ways .

Laggartha · 13/04/2021 13:14

How's it going OP? I really hope he was just trying to wind you up about the van.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2021 13:19

I think you're absolutely right to stay away.

He WANTS you there to have a go at in front of other people. It's his last opportunity to control any part of this situation.

You've spent years 'managing' his emotional abusive. And you're so close to freedom, he's the one that can smell it.

Leave him to make a tit of himself.

STOP 'helping' him. You're just prolonging things and his control over you. Cut him loose. Completely.

And to be honest, I wouldn't take flowers or wine around tonight either. They will be exhausted, and won't want any part of your domestic dramas. Leave it for a few days.

RubiesCube · 13/04/2021 13:27

Bit outing but we had this. Buyer husband refused to leave on the day and shouted at his wife. We moved in around him in the end.
Would suggest you stay away, take away that emotion.
Give a heads up to the vendors and have them being a big male. I dealt with our vendor with my mother in law and am 99% certain he would have behaved differently of my husband or father in law had been there, FIL is very good with tricky ppl.
I was so upset by it all. Took me a good few months to recover from the move and like the house 😢

YoniAndGuy · 13/04/2021 13:30

I would contact the agent/buyers and explain the situation.

I would pull no punches in explaining that it was quite likely that this pathetic little man (of course I'd be a bit more dignified in my explanation ) had deliberately arranged this situation in order to try and make a stressful situation for me, and by proxy, them. If I were present at the handover and/or tried to solve the problem or make suggestions, he would likely use it as a reason to make a scene, in order to embarrass me, and would not leave any quicker.

Therefore (brisk and problem-solving attitude here!) I'd be letting them know that my plan was to completely ignore the situation, to respond only to calls from them/the agent, but to let them know that it would be best to not try and call me in front of him when they got there and he was still in the property. Best move would be to let the agent handle any discussion with him, and for the agent to (unemotionally) explain to him that everyone had been made aware that he would still be in the property illegally, that it wasn't something you had control over, and that he'd be billed as appropriate for the timewasting.

Apologetic but matter-of-fact, make it clear without any ranting or personal attacks that unfortunately this is the way he is and while you're very frustrated by it, there isn't anything you can do directly.

He ends up looking the twat. Which he clearly is!

Tistheseason17 · 13/04/2021 13:35

I agree with the ignore comments.
He wants a rise.
The new owners will sort it.
Hope it goes well.

2bazookas · 13/04/2021 13:42

Its not your problem. Leave Ex to face his own consequences.

It's over. Please stop enabling him. He's not your child, you're not his mother.

daryldixonsdreamgirl · 13/04/2021 13:50

@2bazookas

Its not your problem. Leave Ex to face his own consequences.

It's over. Please stop enabling him. He's not your child, you're not his mother.

But it is her problem. Its HER house. She is the one legally responsible for ensuring vacant possession and it is her alone who would be liable for any fees incurred by the new owners should they not be able to complete on time.

3orangekissesfromkazan · 13/04/2021 13:55

Good luck today OP.

Hope you have the fizz on ice ready to celebrate the first day of the rest of your life later

billybagpuss · 13/04/2021 13:55

Hope it’s going well, if you do end up fined make sure it’s deducted from his portion.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/04/2021 13:58

He’s probably lying anyway just to stress you. Why are you the one selling? Is it in your name? That makes him a squatter - could be there for 6months.

TimmyOnTheBrain · 13/04/2021 13:58

I hope the move went okay in the end and you're now unshackled financially from the twat.

I've enjoyed reading this thread - I'm fascinated by the trials and tribulations of property selling and purchase. We've bought and sold 7 times and have encountered some "interesting" characters to say the least. The worst was a woman with 4 kids who we bought from. Big house, no sign or mention of a partner. When we viewed, the double garage was choccablock with stuff and she promised it would all be removed. I spoke to her a couple of times before moving day and she reassured me she'd been flat out packing, cleaning, clearing out the garage and the place was spotless. She was moving out a few days before completion.

We arrived on completion day to a drive we couldn't get on to due to black bags of stuff strewn across it. The garage was still full to the ceiling, there were still items of furniture and personal belongings in the house including multi gym equipment. We couldn't contact her and neither could the EA or the solicitor. It took weeks for us to sort out the mess, taking stuff to the tip on a daily basis. During this time we got a phone call from her "partner" who it turned out was in prison. He demanded to know where she was (we hadn't a clue) and said he wanted his gym equipment. I was so scared as I had a new baby and I was dealing with all of this as DH was out at work. So I had to negotiate with his dodgy friends to collect his stuff. We also received lots of calls and final demands over the following weeks from debt collectors which took some sorting out.

Then to cap it all, months later a friend of this woman turned up on our doorstep saying her friend had left a couple of coats in the house when she left and could she have them back? I was really restrained, explained all the hassle she'd put us through and said sorry the coats were long gone, along with everything else that was left in the house. The brass neck of some people is truly remarkable.

smartiecake · 13/04/2021 14:07

@TimmyOnTheBrain blimey thats awful.
We had vendors who also hadn't moved out. We sat outside in the car and our removals van was also parked up. At 1.30 we knocked on the door and they were still packing. They had a 1970's brick fireplace with alcoves and there were still ornaments in it. Our removals firm took our boxes in through the garage and then brought their stuff out. They left behind a cat as well although did come back for him. They took hours, the house was absolutely filthy and disgusting (they had 2 young children) and the carpets literally changed colour when we vacuumed. I dont think they had wiped a work surface or cleaned the loo in the 4 months since accepting our offer. I cried as it was so disgusting. We ended up ripping up all carpets and starting again with every room.

smartiecake · 13/04/2021 14:11

Sorry OP not to derail your thread. I hope everything is ok today and goes smoothly

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/04/2021 14:33

Absolutely stay out of it.
If the new people have movers, they will often just start shifting stuff into any empty room. They will have seen it all.
At this stage there is nothing the buyers can do but get on with it. If it makes you feel better, send them some flowers from you personally the next day. Or offer to pay any extra they had to pay.

It will all seem better in 2 days

badacorn · 13/04/2021 14:42

I hope it's going ok OP. The ex is just trying to embarrass you because he's a prick, but it will all blow over.

I was the buyer in a similar situation - I showed up and the sellers were still loading up their removal vans - they didn't leave until 6 hours later. I was annoyed at their lack of organisation (and the mud they tracked everywhere...) but I didn't argue because at that point what could anyone do?

also it sounds like the ex doesn't have too much crap so if the buyers are really brutal they could chuck it on the pavement or something.

aiwblam · 13/04/2021 14:56

I hope you are OK op.

I would stay completely out of it.

GettingItOutThere · 13/04/2021 15:00

hope today went okay OP!

Original poster

Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 15:03

Thanks all - all done now, buyers were pretty relaxed according to a text from my stepdaughter who went to help. I have kept well out of the way and they have my number if they need. Solicitor and estate agent were also pretty laid back given it’s one van load in one room it hasn’t slowed the buyers moving in, looking forward to relaxing tonight as I barely slept last night.

OP posts:

HarrietHardy · 13/04/2021 15:06

Happy for you, OP.

NotSorry · 13/04/2021 15:14

That’s great news OP

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