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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House move tomorrow and at my wits end with exH

195 replies

Housemovestress · 12/04/2021 23:20

Anyone who has moved house recently please tell me if AIBU.
Background - I moved out of the family home with dc’s 18 months ago and now divorced. I moved out because exH wouldn’t leave and it was untenable us living together and certainly not in the children’s best interests - he has form for verbal abuse etc.
House sale is going through tomorrow and o have bent over backwards to help him, found him a short term let whilst he waits for his new house purchase to go through, given him a full garage to store his furniture etc . He has assured me that he had a van booked for a final load in the morning.
This eve he tell me his van isn’t coming now until 4pm. We should be completing around midday. I have absolutely no control over him and I am scared there will be a big scene if I turn up as he would think nothing of screaming at me in front of our buyers.
The house will be theirs and he will still have stuff there for hours after - I am completely mortified. How would you feel if you were our buyers? I don’t know if I should ring our buyer in the morning and pre-warn her, exH is telling me to keep out of it, it’s his house move - however it is legally me who is selling it!
I am stressed

OP posts:
Original poster
Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 08:22

I cannot wait to the end of the day where all joint financial assets and commitments are done.

OP posts:
muddyford · 13/04/2021 08:24

When you buy a house with vacant possession, the fixtures and fittings you have agreed to pay for are the minimum that should be left in the house. Anything else is yours to keep or dispose of, and disposal costs can be requested back from the previous owner, if you can be bothered. I would inform your estate agent and solicitor, clear his belongings from your garage and tell him to find a different van hire company.

SailingBuddy · 13/04/2021 08:24

@Housemovestress

I cannot wait to the end of the day where all joint financial assets and commitments are done.
In 12 hours time you’ll be financially severed from the idiot. I hope you have some champagne in the fridge for tonight!
Keepingthingsinteresting · 13/04/2021 08:25

Good luck today OP, hope he’s just being a wind up merchant & it goes smoothly.

GappyValley · 13/04/2021 08:25

If the stuff will all fit in one room, it will all fit on the pavement outside while he waits for his van to turn up, if the buyers need him to empty it all out for them.

Agree with others, disengage.
He has got you wrapped around his little finger - you moved you and your DCs out of a house in your name, you've given 50% of the equity away. He is used to you dancing to his tune and isn't going to pass up one last opportunity to stress you out.

The buyers, at worst, are going to have a couple of hours to kill before they can unpack the last of the boxes.

Stop trying to people please absolutely everyone, and see this as the final chapter of your marriage to this awful man being over, and have some champagne ready to open

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/04/2021 08:26

@MiddleParking

Are the buyers a couple? Is the estate agent a man? I’m assuming they’ve got their own men with ven. I suspect if you’re not there and several men who are angry with him are, his tune will change very quickly. What an absolute cunt.
Nice Cabin Pressure reference there.

Kudos! Grin

Housemove - the world is full of tw*ts. Most of them are blokes. Your misfortune is that you married one, but you are almost out of the woods now. Stay strong!

Laggartha · 13/04/2021 08:27

In 12 hours time you’ll be financially severed from the idiot. I hope you have some champagne in the fridge for tonight!

I was thinking the same. I hope you have two bunches of flowers and two bottles of wine ready for this evening.

Lorw · 13/04/2021 08:27

I would literally put all his stuff on the pavement outside and tell him it’s there when he wants to collect it. Once it’s out the house, it’s out the house after all. Don’t stress OP- just another way to control

Are you buying a new house? Could he be trying to sabotage your purchase going through?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/04/2021 08:28

@Spanielsarepainless

When you buy a house with vacant possession, the fixtures and fittings you have agreed to pay for are the minimum that should be left in the house. Anything else is yours to keep or dispose of, and disposal costs can be requested back from the previous owner, if you can be bothered. I would inform your estate agent and solicitor, clear his belongings from your garage and tell him to find a different van hire company.
Is that right Spaniels? That's interesting (and useful for future reference - we've had house mover w*nkery to deal with, too in the past).
ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 13/04/2021 08:28

Ugh what a nasty petty man

Confirms you made the right decision in leaving him

Good luck

whatsleep · 13/04/2021 08:30

Leave him to it, he’s just trying to irritate you. It’s unfortunate for the buyers but not the end of the world if they are held up a few hours.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2021 08:30

Don't engage with him at all - block him

Warn the estate agent who will put it to the buyers - these petty, aggressive little men NEVER do it to strangers - he will be nice as pie to them

I hope you never have to see him again Thanks

Original poster
Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 08:31

Thanks everyone - looking forward to end of the day! He is very volatile and I have spent a decade trying to manage his moods - now my only focus is on trying to maintain harmony for our dc’s sake. I’m not buying anywhere yet but plan to in next 6 months or so when I find the house

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 13/04/2021 08:31

The house is solely yours and you and your kids had to move out because he wouldn’t?! I mean this, I hope the buyers’ van runs him over.

Original poster
Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 08:32

Unfortunately he will do it with strangers he could be nice as pie or a complete nightmare - totally unpredictable

OP posts:
Jonnywishbone · 13/04/2021 08:34

@housemovestress Tell him a skip is coming this morning to take his stuff if he doesn't move it himself

Laggartha · 13/04/2021 08:35

I would literally put all his stuff on the pavement outside and tell him it’s there when he wants to collect it. Once it’s out the house, it’s out the house after all. Don’t stress OP- just another way to control

How would you literally do that? He is in the house, OP is out of the house. He is likely bigger and stronger than OP. She has children to consider, he does not.

MaMaD1990 · 13/04/2021 08:37

For those saying dump his stuff outside, get a skip etc etc - do you realise what ridiculous advice this is? This isn't a soap opera or some dramatic, life-affirming scene in a movie - it's OPs real life. Its quite clear that if she did any of this, it would cause a whirlwind of shit for her and her children later down the line. Sometimes it's better to not react. Get it together people.

nettie434 · 13/04/2021 08:38

I think your plan of seeing how it goes and not being there is good. I also like the idea of two bottles of wine and two bunches of flowers. It must have been so stressful living with someone so volatile. I hope he realises that it is totally in his interests to go quietly.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 13/04/2021 08:39

When we bought our house the sellers were still faffing about moving at 4! In the end they handed over the keys but left a load of stuff in the shed and garage (which we're going to need to skip before we can sell it on!)

Original poster
Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 08:40

Yes doing that would result in extreme verbal abuse and most likely at least being shoved. I just need to keep well away

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/04/2021 08:44

I think it would be wise to tell your solicitor and estate agent what he’s told you , so they are prepared if he does become difficult.

He might have actually booked the van for 4pm to make you panic, so he can be abusive while you try to get sorted.

He might actually have booked the van for the morning, to make out that you are some crazy woman while he calmly moves out.

You are paying professionals to deal with this shit. The suggestion from a PP of getting the solicitor to warn him that all compensation and costs resulting from the delay will be coming from his share of the proceeds is a good one.

katmarie · 13/04/2021 08:44

As you say, he has the capability to cause a major shit storm. I would give your solicitor a call and let them know what he's up to, but otherwise not engage at all with him. This time tomorrow it will all be over.

Dora33 · 13/04/2021 08:46

It happened to us when we were buying our old house. We arrived at the house with keys at 3pm on a friday to find seller's 2 tenants still in the house with a load of furniture still in house. Our movers were arriving with our furniture and we needed the house empty. The house wouldn't have been big enough to store vendors furniture also.

The seller lived in house with the tenants. They said seller was doing the move himself with a friend, in a van. That as he had only just got the keys to his new house, he had just gone to move the 1st van load and would be back in a couple of hours for the 2nd load. It took him 4 loads in total. The tenants were moving with him and he had told them to stay in his old ( our) house till furniture was all moved.
We rang our solicitor who was not impressed as buyers solicitors told her all keys had been handed over and house vacated by seller & tenants.
The tenants were very nice and started to help us to move furniture from house . Seller arrived back 2 hours later not happy, giving out that his solicitor had rang him. His solicitor told him to give all keys to us.
He gave out that we had moved his furniture into garden and couldn't get his van into driveway as we had our van there. He moaned that it would take him longer to carry furniture out of driveway/ over wall and meant he would have to pay more for having the hire van longer. We just ignored him and carried on.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 13/04/2021 08:50

Firstly OP. Congratulations on the big move!

Secondly, contact the estate agent in the morning let them know that your ex is refusing to cooperate with you and that your presence is fuelling the situation so you will not be present.

Then go. It’s not your problem anymore, tomorrow is the first day of your new freedom. He’s trying to fuck with you one last time, don’t let him.