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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

House move tomorrow and at my wits end with exH

195 replies

Housemovestress · 12/04/2021 23:20

Anyone who has moved house recently please tell me if AIBU.
Background - I moved out of the family home with dc’s 18 months ago and now divorced. I moved out because exH wouldn’t leave and it was untenable us living together and certainly not in the children’s best interests - he has form for verbal abuse etc.
House sale is going through tomorrow and o have bent over backwards to help him, found him a short term let whilst he waits for his new house purchase to go through, given him a full garage to store his furniture etc . He has assured me that he had a van booked for a final load in the morning.
This eve he tell me his van isn’t coming now until 4pm. We should be completing around midday. I have absolutely no control over him and I am scared there will be a big scene if I turn up as he would think nothing of screaming at me in front of our buyers.
The house will be theirs and he will still have stuff there for hours after - I am completely mortified. How would you feel if you were our buyers? I don’t know if I should ring our buyer in the morning and pre-warn her, exH is telling me to keep out of it, it’s his house move - however it is legally me who is selling it!
I am stressed

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 13/04/2021 10:09

His stuff in the garage is not stopping them moving in though so at least they can start getting their things straight into the house. keep out of it, he's probably doing it to wind you up.

starfishmummy · 13/04/2021 10:09

Oops.... continued
Negotiating went on and the new owners movers took the furniture out.

Old neighbours were still loading vans by torchlight until around 10pm!!

OldEvilOwl · 13/04/2021 10:11

How would you feel if you were our buyers?

I would just get on with moving stuff, its only a few hours. Any problems can be dealt with through estate agent. I'm sure they have seen this sort of thing before

Bananabuddy3 · 13/04/2021 10:11

Nowhere near as volatile but in my situation:

I got a call saying my current home had been completed - I was still “moving” because obviously it takes time for the moving people to empty a house - I think this was the solicitor phoning to tell me that, estate agent then said to just let them know when I would be out so they could tell my buyer. I was out by midday and it was fine, but completion had occurred two hours prior to me actually fully vacating the property.

My new home then completed about midday - I guess going along the chain. The people I was buying from hadn’t quite finished moving out, asked for another hour, fair enough like I say it takes time to physically empty a full home.
Then it transpired that The old owners hadn’t bothered to lock their bloody cat away for the day, so although the house was mine, I kept getting told by their estate agent that they were just waiting for the cat to return. It got to about half 4 (depth of winter so pitch black by now) and thankfully the estate agent had equally had enough (they hand over the keys obviously) so came with me in their car to boot them out, the home wasn’t there’s now and they need to wait for the cat outside. They were totally chilled eating pizza in the lounge when we got there. They took estate agents word and left and waited in their car. I left cat flap open to trap cat.

Obviously no bitter exes or anything but ultimately once completion occurs the home is no longer his and he will be booted one way or the other. Estate agents won’t want to hang around after closing time to exchange keys.

ineedaholidayandwine · 13/04/2021 10:12

I'd give the agent a heads up and then let him deal with it, he sounds a complete and utter arse.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/04/2021 10:20

I would recommend a personals suitcase for moving day - bed clothes tooth brushes clean underwear, medication, not just for a delay in moving in but it makes bedtime easier.

Candyfloss99 · 13/04/2021 10:21

Why are you enabling him so much and doing so much to help him? Contact your solicitor to sort it out.

CharityDingle · 13/04/2021 10:21

Hope all goes well, OP. Sounds like it's yet another opportunity, in his mind, to muck things up, for you. I would try to stay out of it, if possible. As said upthread, once others appear on the scenes, removal men etc, the cowardly creature's 'bravado' will probably disappear.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 13/04/2021 10:23

This is all taking me back over a quarter of a century to when we moved into our current house, which I hope to leave for the last time feet first.

The people selling to us decided to book a huge international company (let's call it Fairbanks) for their removal. They were going to a place in Kent, a large detached house which had been converted into several separate dwellings, all reached by one driveway from the main road.

I got quotes from several removal firms. The rep from Fairbanks was a cocky young man who told me that if we booked them we'd get a discount as it would be easier for them to be doing the moves both out of and into our new house. In spite of this, his quote was a lot more expensive than one from a local firm we'd had personally recommended, so we went with the local people. The F rep rang eventually to confirm that we were taking up his generous offer - I told him no, and explained why - he became really unpleasant, told me we were making a big mistake, and not to blame him if it all went wrong on the day. Hmm

We had two very young children at the time so had decided to pay for packing. Day before the move, a super-efficient crew from Local Firm turned up and went through the house like a plague of termites, wrapping, packing, no delays to marvel at the beauty of some long-forgotten item, no dithering over whether to take it or not etc etc, just non-stop work, and we were all packed by the end of the afternoon. It was absolutely marvellous.

On the day of the move, the van turned up and the crew started moving things into it. In the midst of this, the man we were buying from turned up (we only lived half a mile away) and said very apologetically that it had become clear that they were not going to be out by noon. The Fairbanks rep who had been so nasty with me had booked too small a van and they were going to have to wait for a second van to come to take away the last of their stuff.

Local Firm boss remained very calm and said they would work round this. We moved up there as planned, leaving our house well before noon and arriving at the new place shortly after 12. Fairbanks men were running backwards and forwards trying to get van #1 packed and on the road. Eventually off it went. Local Firm were moving our stuff in around the Fairbanks men. Fairbanks van #2 arrived and the new crew came in, muttering that they didn't even know where they were taking this load to yet. 'Where have you come from?' I asked, trying to be nice. 'Canterbury', they said. 'Oh good', said I (revealing my cluelessness about the geography of Kent). 'You're going back to Kent! They're moving to somewhere near Tonbridge.' Groans all round from the crew, as apparently that's the opposite side of the county and they wouldn't be home till the early hours. Oops.

The final straw came when crew #2 heard that crew #1 had arrived at the entrance to the driveway, turned off the main road and immediately broken down in the entranceway. This meant all the other residents of the conversions were unable to get in or out until the lorry was fixed. What a way to introduce yourselves to your new neighbours.

Two postscripts:

Local Firm were excellent to the last. Boss noticed the glass on one of our pictures had cracked, pointed it out, whisked it away for replacement, brought it back a day or two later. I recommended them to lots of other people so I hope they got new business from it.

I mentioned to one of the Fairbanks men that we had had a quote from their firm and he smiled wryly and said 'I bet he told you we use the best quality boxes, bubble wrap, tape etc - all rubbish - we use exactly what everybody else uses'. Grin

AdoraBell · 13/04/2021 10:25

I agree you get the agent to handle it.

Fingers crossed 🤞 for you.

Confusedandshaken · 13/04/2021 10:37

We had vendors that failed to vacate on completion too. They went out and left the house empty (still half full of their stuff) and didn't hand over the keys. They told the estate agent that they didn't think they had to move out immediately as they knew we weren't moving in straightaway! So although the house was legally ours we couldn't get in.

About 3pm one of the teenage sons came 'home' to pick up some clothes. I started chatting to him and slipped in the front door behind him, then let DH in through the back door while the son was upstairs. The poor lad was bewildered. Within an hour my dad had come round to change all the locks and we organised a team of mates to shift all their belongings into the garage. They collected it the next day and made it clear that they thought we were being very petty to not them stay on when we weren't even planning on moving in !

badman3000000 · 13/04/2021 11:00

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HedgePutty · 13/04/2021 11:02

Hope it goes well. You know he’s only doing it to get one last dig at you, your freedom is in sight. Let him be the idiot in front of the buyers.

knitonedropone · 13/04/2021 11:10

@picklemewalnuts

When you buy a house, don't you then own everything in it? Is he risking losing his belongings?
We had this situation and asked our solicitor for advice, they said we should write (they did this) and give a choice of 3 dates and times for them to come and collect their stuff or we would dispose of it/keep it etc.

They didn't reply, it was sent recorded delivery for proof, and didn't turn up at any of the times so the stuff was then ours.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2021 11:11

It is legally my house - soley in my name

Okay, I'd wondered about that - so very obviously he's doing this to be awkward, knowing that any extra costs will fall to you

I can't improve on the excellent advice you've had, but at least this is temporary, a last gasp of his hatefulness if you like, and looking on the bright side it won't be long now until you're free of this pig altogether

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/04/2021 11:11

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EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/04/2021 11:12

I've been the buyer in a similar-ish situation.

We were actually buying from a friend of ours, who was moving out of his existing place to move in with his girlfriend. She worked a couple of hours away so she hadn't been to the house all week as she'd been packing her own stuff from her flat.

We were due to complete on the Friday. On the Monday, he let us know that he was now booked on a training course at work on the Wed, Thu and Fri, but the girlfriend would be handling the move. We were like okay fine.

Friday morning came, we had everything on our van by 11am. Drove down to the house, there was nobody there. Left the movers to get lunch and we went to the solicitors to do the necessary. Got back to the house after lunch to find the girlfriend tearfully running around with her elderly dad trying to load things into his MPV. Seller had hardly done any packing at all and hadn't booked removals. Just left it to his GF and her dad. We'd had the date agreed for about a month and we'd seen him out at the pub several evenings during that time, lazy shite had just procrastinated then handed it all to GF. I felt so sorry for her. Our removals guys ended up helping her and dad get everything out of the house and onto the front lawn so they could get our stuff in and clock off, as it was getting close to 5pm.

I hope yours goes more smoothly. I definitely wouldn't tell the buyers you thought it might be a hassle or go round there. I'd just drop them a message the day after and say "Hope everything went well!" and that's it. As a buyer I wouldn't want someone coming round the day of the move!

AdoraBell · 13/04/2021 11:35

Jeez, I hope that girlfriend saw the light EvenMoreFuriosVexation

BruceAndNosh · 13/04/2021 11:59

Warn the solicitors and agent, but stay away yourself.

Allwokedup · 13/04/2021 11:59

@Housemovestress I agree with pp. I wouldn’t call round with flowers/wine. Maybe send them something next week but don’t show up. I wouldn’t want anyone there when the house is a mess. They will likely be passed off with you (not your fault but still) so some space would be better.

Bythemillpond · 13/04/2021 12:07

When we moved from our last home all the contents of the house had been put in the van and was on its way to storage. I had cleaned the house top to bottom
What we needed to take with us including ddog was in the car and the phone to rang to say we had completed and that we needed to vacate the house immediately and bring all remaining keys to the estate agents. The solicitor was very stern and said as of that moment I was trespassing in the house as it was no longer mine.
From deciding to sell and moving day it was 3 weeks
I think next time we will move the day before completion.

Eddielzzard · 13/04/2021 12:10

Don't get involved. Don't say anything more to your ex as you know this is all aimed at you to make things hard for you. Don't give him that ammunition.

If the buyers contact you, address it then.

I also wouldn't pop round tonight - too intrusive. At most I'd leave a gift on the doorstep but that's it.

Whythesadface · 13/04/2021 12:13

I think a lot of people are quiet selfish on moving day, and think the buyer should accommodate them.
But god help the New house if they are not sorted.
Wishing you a good move and that your new buyer is a BIG man and your ex behaves.

Hexinthecity · 13/04/2021 12:16

haven't read all the responses Op so apologies if Im repeating what's been said earlier but I would email your solicitors and explain the situation. If half the proceeds of the sale are going to him I would want to make sure that any penalties due to his later departure come out of his 50:50 split. It very much sounds like he is trying to punish you (and succeeding because you are so stressed) If he starts to dick around not leaving and getting abusive your buyers may have to stay in a hotel tomorrow night, or may incur extra costs with additional removals - they may not feel comfortable moving their stuff in while he is still there and has access to the house / stuff of his own there. They may also feel insecure and want to change the locks which is totally understandable. there may be other costs incurred, who knows, it depends on what he gets up to so if I were you I'd want to protect myself from any financial come back and make sure the silly bastard foots the bill for his own bloody tantrum. Speak to your solicitor asap

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 13/04/2021 12:17

@Bythemillpond

When we moved from our last home all the contents of the house had been put in the van and was on its way to storage. I had cleaned the house top to bottom What we needed to take with us including ddog was in the car and the phone to rang to say we had completed and that we needed to vacate the house immediately and bring all remaining keys to the estate agents. The solicitor was very stern and said as of that moment I was trespassing in the house as it was no longer mine. From deciding to sell and moving day it was 3 weeks I think next time we will move the day before completion.
We packed our van and sent it off to my folks’ house the night before, so that we only had to put the last bits in the cars on the morning and do the cleaning. Made it much less stressful!