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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House move tomorrow and at my wits end with exH

195 replies

Housemovestress · 12/04/2021 23:20

Anyone who has moved house recently please tell me if AIBU.
Background - I moved out of the family home with dc’s 18 months ago and now divorced. I moved out because exH wouldn’t leave and it was untenable us living together and certainly not in the children’s best interests - he has form for verbal abuse etc.
House sale is going through tomorrow and o have bent over backwards to help him, found him a short term let whilst he waits for his new house purchase to go through, given him a full garage to store his furniture etc . He has assured me that he had a van booked for a final load in the morning.
This eve he tell me his van isn’t coming now until 4pm. We should be completing around midday. I have absolutely no control over him and I am scared there will be a big scene if I turn up as he would think nothing of screaming at me in front of our buyers.
The house will be theirs and he will still have stuff there for hours after - I am completely mortified. How would you feel if you were our buyers? I don’t know if I should ring our buyer in the morning and pre-warn her, exH is telling me to keep out of it, it’s his house move - however it is legally me who is selling it!
I am stressed

OP posts:
RonSwansonsChair · 13/04/2021 07:33

Sounds like a right pain OP, but in your concern not to cause your buyers stress you are stressing yourself out. Your ex is an adult, leave him to it.
I have no doubt he'll move sharpish when it's anyone other than you asking.

ExtraOnions · 13/04/2021 07:36

It was late afternoon before we got into our house, when we bought it ... the seller had hired a van and was moving himself, and I think he underestimated the size of the job.

stablefeet · 13/04/2021 07:41

Stop engaging op - people are giving you good advice. Leave him to it.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 13/04/2021 07:43

My house move was a nightmare too...we turned up with our lorry full of our belongings and the vendors were still inside and nothing had been packed....it was late afternoon at this point...they told us we could put our stuff in the garage...they finished moving out at gone 11pm that night...i still hate them.

SunshineCake · 13/04/2021 07:44

@SunIsComing

After tomorrow, stop helping your ex.
No, from this second stop helping him.
NoSquirrels · 13/04/2021 07:46

@m00rfarm

I bet any money his van arrives in the morning. I would tell no one about the 4pm shit. Not agents. Not lawyer. Not buyers. No one. And if he is still there when they arrive let them sort it out. But I bet he will be long gone. It’s just a control thing. And even if he does stay until 4pm he’s the one looking like an idiot. If anyone says anything say you assumed it was just one more lie from your piece of crap ex. And that you didn’t think even HE would be that dumb.
This. Try not to stress today, keep quiet, keep your nerve.

Go over about 6pm with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine for the new owners. It’ll all be over soon enough.

And promise yourself you’ll stop organising anything for him, even if he manipulates you (“think of the children” etc).

Flowers
pilates · 13/04/2021 07:49

If the property is in joint names, you will both be in breach of your contract. You need to be out usually around 1pm. May be make your Solicitor aware of the situation.

longsigh · 13/04/2021 07:51

It's unlikely the buyers would be there very early. Could you get some friends and just go in and move his stuff out first thing? He may shout but if he get violent or aggressive you can call the police. I think I would find that less stressful than waiting to see what happens.

Bagelsandbrie · 13/04/2021 07:52

He’s enjoying you being this involved, it’s another form of control over you. Tell the agents and the solicitors and let them deal with it and completely disengage.

Blindstupid · 13/04/2021 07:53

I’d notify your solicitor and estate agent, then keep out of it. As others have said, he could just be playing you and he could be gone at the correct time. If not, I’m not sure of the legal status, I genuinely have no clue, but can the buyers call the police as he’s trespassing?

I hope it goes ok, I hope it’s just his last attempt at control/knobishness etc ....

rookiemere · 13/04/2021 07:55

I think asking the movers to put his stuff in the garden is the least bad option. Means house is vacant and you aren't putting out the buyers and breaking contract and gives the message to him that he can't railroad you any more.
I doubt the movers would even charge much for it as they're doing the job anyway.

eurochick · 13/04/2021 07:56

I think you should warn the buyers, via the estate agent. We've been in the situation where our buyers didn't fuck off until hours after the completion time. We ended up having to pay our movers hundreds of pounds extra to stay late and not to disappear went all our stuff. It made it a very unpleasant moving day.

Good luck!

user1471462428 · 13/04/2021 07:56

I too would be chucking everything out onto the pavement. Is it your house and not his?

picklemewalnuts · 13/04/2021 07:57

When you buy a house, don't you then own everything in it? Is he risking losing his belongings?

MaMaD1990 · 13/04/2021 07:59

If I were the buyer and built up a good relationship with you, I'd really appreciate a message to warn me. If it's not that much stuff, can it not be moved in a few round using a car instead? Assuming his house is near by and he has a car of course. Either way, you're legally responsible so you can get involved as much as you like. But ease warn the buyers, its a considerate thing to do and I imagine they will be understanding about it.

Splicedbananas · 13/04/2021 08:02

I wouldn't tell anyone. They can't do anything about it and it will only give him the satisfaction he's craving of inconveniencing you.

They can start moving their stuff into the rooms that have been cleared and also he's far more likely to be cooperative with others than he is with you.

NotSorry · 13/04/2021 08:03

@picklemewalnuts

When you buy a house, don't you then own everything in it? Is he risking losing his belongings?
No you just own the house and anything agreed within the sale eg. fixtures and fittings, curtains etc.
C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2021 08:04

Let your solicitor and estate agent deal with it. He is just playing mind games with you. Get his stuff out of your garage asap as well - you are not his mother.

An0n0n0n · 13/04/2021 08:05

If its legally your house can you not just get there an hour before completions nd if he's still there let him watch you coolly phone the police saying there is someone there who shouldn't be? If you can get the police there hen he either has to explain himself to them or perhaps he will get verbal and get carted off to prison for a few hours and the new people can move in and his stuff can go on the lawn.

NotSorry · 13/04/2021 08:09

@An0n0n0n

If its legally your house can you not just get there an hour before completions nd if he's still there let him watch you coolly phone the police saying there is someone there who shouldn't be? If you can get the police there hen he either has to explain himself to them or perhaps he will get verbal and get carted off to prison for a few hours and the new people can move in and his stuff can go on the lawn.
In other words waste the police’s time?

OP I think you should stay out of it - estate agents, removals companies and solicitors will all be used to messers, they will sort him. He is trying to draw you back in.

Original poster
Housemovestress · 13/04/2021 08:13

It is legally my house - soley in my name which is why I feel so responsible for making sure he gets out on time. It is absolutely in his interests to leave though given all of his money is tied up in the house, proceeds are split 50:50 on our divorce agreement and he is committed to a new house.
I am going to see how the mornjng goes - our new buyers are travelling hours and I will speak to my solicitor, I absolutely think me keeping away physically is the right thing to do but I will take them some wine and flowers round this eve

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/04/2021 08:15

When we were supposed to complete at 12 noon our vendor was still packing. Our removal lorry could not unpack until vendor got 3 van loads out. They left house dirty too. We had to move in large furniture and leave test in one bedroom whilst we cleaned kitchen, lounge and even downstairs loo. Vendors even asked if they could leave some stuff until next day but we said no. They left some stuff, outdoor garden table and chairs, chimney, enormous planters and a trampoline still up, overnight in neighbouring garden.

Allllchange · 13/04/2021 08:16

I would just say that you will leave him to it but that would have checked and there may be late fees and that they will come out of his share not yours and then ignore him.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 13/04/2021 08:18

The OP isn’t ‘helping her ex’ in this instance, as a co-owner of the house she is trying to observe the sale contract she has signed to give vacant possession on completion.

I would give the solicitor a call this morning and ask whether there is any legal come back on you.

I have moved into a house where the twat vendor had thought completion was the following day. Our removal company would have charged extra if the job got extended past a certain time, so eventually we started putting the vendors stuff in the front garden. His wife was outraged and saying ‘you can’t touch my things’ and looked surprised when I said ‘they are in my house, which you have no right to be in’.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/04/2021 08:19

@BlueDahlia69

He's doing this deliberately, he wants you round there stressing packing his stuff whilst he sits there in complete control watching you.

Step away, try not to engage. 🌸

This ^

A controlling and manipulative action.

Stay out of it if you possibly can - certainly DO NOT go round. I can understand how you feel the need to warn the buyers, because you have built up a working relationship with them and feel responsible - but you aren't.

The only person responsible for this fiasco is your ex. By all means get in touch with solicitors/ estate agents.

Personally if I were the buyer I'd do one of two things - refuse to complete (which may be what he is hoping for, who knows the minds of nutcases like him?), OR complete, go round, tell him to get his shte out of MY home and if he refuses, shift it myself and stick it on the pavement outside the property. If he refused to move out personally I would call the police. He's refusing to leave a home when asked to by the owners. Normally I would be very reluctant to involve the police in something like this, because I think they have enough to do, but I think that in this instance it would be justified, because then there would be a record of his unreasonable behaviour - because I suspect that this isn't the last you will experience of this man being a total and utter twt! The more evidence of previous w*nkery, the better.