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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When do we get to meet the new boyfriend?

162 replies

Alijane46 · 12/04/2021 09:18

Not really an AIBU but more a general question, when is it reasonable to meet your daughters new man?

DD is nearly 21 and I’m so happy that after a really shit 18 months (for many different reason ) she has happily fallen for a guy she works with and they have been dating for just over a month.

The relationship has taken off really quickly, she seems so happy with him and it sounds as though he is with her. She stays over at his each weekend (I know it’s against covid before anyone says anything, both work in hospital, both had covid and both double vaccinated) and it looks as though they have gotten serious very quickly even though they were just going to take things real slow.

This isn’t her first serious relationship but it’s definitely the one she seems happiest with and I can see her falling head over heels in love with him. This appears to be very different to her previous relationships.

He is 7 years older than her which isn’t a problem for her or me, he sounds lovely and they seem very well suited.

When can I expect to meet him? What’s the normal timescale for meet the parents? I’ve said we’d like to meet him soon as they seem to be getting along so well. I think she’s keen for us to meet him but is really scared of jinxing something that is going really well.

I’d just like to meet the man who appears to have stollen my daughters heart!

My friend suggested when they’ve been dating four or five months 🤷🏻‍♀️But that seems like too long to wait!

My daughter and I have a very close relationship and I’m just keen to see if new man measures up!

Any views or timescale of when you introduced your parents to your new significant other?

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 12/04/2021 09:22

Woah, cool it!

The ‘normal timescale’ is when she decides and he feels comfortable to do it.

You sound really intense about it. ‘Stolen my daughter’s heart?!’

so that would make me hold off longer.

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/04/2021 09:23

When she decides it's time.

B33Fr33 · 12/04/2021 09:26

A year? If they move in together? They will let you know.

Ivy48 · 12/04/2021 09:26

It’ll happen naturally. If you really want to meet him then invite them over for a meal (COVID restrictions permitting) or suggest perhaps meeting for a drink in a few weeks. If she knows you’d like to meet him I’m sure she’ll facilitate it. My mother meet my DP within weeks but he’s was about to be deployed so circumstances were different. She met my sisters DP after 2 years. Let it happen naturally

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 12/04/2021 09:27

I was at that age, and still am, very close to my parents, but at 21 they and I would have both said “this year, next year, sometime, never” to your question. She’s an adult now, and whether you approve of him or not, she can (and will) carry on seeing him, or not, as she sees fit. If you’re close I’m sure she’ll be proud to bring him home soon, but you have no right or expectation to ever meet him if that’s not what she wants. Try not to let your curiosity get the better of you and spoil your relationship with her. But definitely let her know that you’re there to provide non-judgmental support if it all goes wrong - and mean it. Having a safety net like this is the best defence against an abusive relationship. She needs to know she’s always welcome back if she needs to come.

M0rT · 12/04/2021 09:27

I think some of this depends on the norms where you are, your family rituals etc.
I had multiple short lived relationships in my twenties that my mother knew about but didn't meet.
I was introduced quite early to men's mother's/sisters a few times but I always thought that was more because I was a "nice" presentable girl that would stop their mother hassling them or worrying than anything else.
My now DH I introduced to my family 3 months in which was very quick for me. He was only the second person I "brought home" and the first to meet extended family.
I was not the first girlfriend he introduced to his family, but they have regular meals/nights out (pre-Covid) so it's less pressure and intimate to introduce someone in those circumstances.
The thing is I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry, if she's this mad about him what are you gonna do if he doesn't measure up in your eyes?
Could create a lot of friction in your relationship to no purpose.

Ivy48 · 12/04/2021 09:28

Also I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to meet him sooner if she’s still technically living with you and you have a very close relationship. It’s normal to be curious about the man you hear about to often. Just let it be known to her you’d like to meet him but don’t pressurise it.

SeasonFinale · 12/04/2021 09:29

Meet his parents!! You are trying to marry them off it would seem. She will introduce him when she wants to but seriously I would back off as she may think you will scare him off.

PoutineQueen · 12/04/2021 09:31

Blimey op, calm down! 1 month is far too soon.

You'll meet him when they're both comfortable for you to meet him.

Think my parents met my DP after about 9 months.

BrumBoo · 12/04/2021 09:32

She's 21! What is 'head over heels' today may be 'what was I thinking' next month. Last thing someone her age needs is to do the 'parents introduction' too quickly and solidify what may not actually be a great relationship. Leave her to enjoy the honeymoon period, and if it fizzles out after that without meeting him, well no harm done.

DarkishBlue · 12/04/2021 09:33

Blimey, you're keen! She's only 20 and it's only a month. I think you need to calm down and definitely don't push things. My dd met her husband at 28 and we met him after about a year when they were well established. She did live in a city 200 miles away though so not as much opportunity as if she lived hereabouts.

Original poster
Alijane46 · 12/04/2021 09:36

Defo not trying to marry her off! Just never seen her this keen or happy. She is normally a real home bird so I know she must really like him to want to stay over all weekend.

Totally get it’s her choice and there is absolutely nothing I can do if I don’t think he measures up. I will always be there in a supportive role whatever happens.

After a rough 18 months for her which I’ve supported her through I am just excited to meet the man who is making her very happy.

Realistically I know we will meet him when they are both ready but just interested in others experiences and stories.

OP posts:
KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 09:37

Just over a month?! "Stolen her heart" you need to calm down! She'll introduce you when she's ready and if you act this carried away she will probably delay it!

Norwaydidnthappen · 12/04/2021 09:37

You sound a bit too involved! Calm down, it’s only been a month.

LilMidge01 · 12/04/2021 09:38

Agree you need to cool down a bit. I know people in early 20s that have done all that too soon, end up feels like they have to stick with it as family loves the other half and they feel like they would be breaking up more than just their relationship, and have not ended relationships that they should have done. It is very hard to break up with someone who isnt right for you if your families are so entwined. Of course there are plenty other successful stories...but both you and your daughter dont know which hers is yet as it is way too early doors! Dont add more pressure to an already young relationship that is moving fast by adding parents and families to the equation. If all goes well, as I hope it does, you will meet him in due course and at the appropriate time

KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 09:38

It's only been a month - I expect they are having lots of fun so it makes sense to stay over at weekends. It's what people in their 20s do.

LilMidge01 · 12/04/2021 09:40

@Alijane46

Defo not trying to marry her off! Just never seen her this keen or happy. She is normally a real home bird so I know she must really like him to want to stay over all weekend.

Totally get it’s her choice and there is absolutely nothing I can do if I don’t think he measures up. I will always be there in a supportive role whatever happens.

After a rough 18 months for her which I’ve supported her through I am just excited to meet the man who is making her very happy.

Realistically I know we will meet him when they are both ready but just interested in others experiences and stories.

I'm glad you're happy for her...but I think for her sake you have to rein it in a bit. She will be happy and have great things in her life with or without this man.
KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 09:40

I'd say once they have decided they are in a long term relationship it could be ooh about 6 months to a year before I would have even thought of introducing a partner. Normally at an event like a birthday or Christmas rather than a one off grand meal especially if my parents were as embarrassingly over invested as you seem to be.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 12/04/2021 09:40

Bloody hell, slow down! It was a year for me. Some guys my parents never got to meet. I found my Mum overbearing when it came to trying to involve herself in my relationships so ended up keeping it quiet. Not every boyfriend needs to become part of the family. I still cringe recalling the boyfriend who cheated on me shortly after meeting my parents and was also emotionally abusive - weeks after our break up my Mum spotted him knowing all he’d done to me and started crying “it’s such a shame, he’s so handsome, you two would have given me such beautiful grandchildren and now you are 30 and on your own again it might never happen.” Envy Thanks Mum.

Seriously, back off. Let her decide. You may meet him soon, you may never meet him as even though at 21 many of us think he’s “the one” quite often it’s just another learning experience that prepares us for future relationships. Her call. Her relationship.

Poppins2016 · 12/04/2021 09:41

How long is a piece of string? DH and I met respective family within a few weeks (it just happened naturally through various events) but others might take months/years! There is no right or wrong. It doesn't hurt to ponder (to yourself), but don't pressure (it'll have the opposite effect to that desired)!

LilMidge01 · 12/04/2021 09:42

As for experiences, I am 30 and broke up when 28 with a guy I'd been dating since 18. My mum loved him. Honestly, telling my mum was the more scarier than breaking up with him as j feared she would pressure me with "why? What's wrong? Cabt you work it out?" Thanksfully she didn't do that and was so supportive....but when you're the daughter and your mum is giving off the energy you are, it can make it incredibly difficult if it doesnt work out and the fear is real, even though you think your mum will support you. It makes any breakup 10 times harder

Maraudery · 12/04/2021 09:43

I mean if she's been with him a month and sees him every weekend then that might still be only 4 times!

A few more months is usual in my experience. It might be that he says hello as he is picking her up, but I would expect any sort of family gathering to be in the first 15 dates!

Maraudery · 12/04/2021 09:44

Whoops
Wouldn't expect a family gathering in the first 15 dates!

DDIJ · 12/04/2021 09:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lweji · 12/04/2021 09:47

Just back off and don't pressure her.
Specially with the "to see if he measures up". Hmm

You say you know it's up to her, but you already sound like a potential nightmare MIL.

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