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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When do we get to meet the new boyfriend?

162 replies

Alijane46 · 12/04/2021 09:18

Not really an AIBU but more a general question, when is it reasonable to meet your daughters new man?

DD is nearly 21 and I’m so happy that after a really shit 18 months (for many different reason ) she has happily fallen for a guy she works with and they have been dating for just over a month.

The relationship has taken off really quickly, she seems so happy with him and it sounds as though he is with her. She stays over at his each weekend (I know it’s against covid before anyone says anything, both work in hospital, both had covid and both double vaccinated) and it looks as though they have gotten serious very quickly even though they were just going to take things real slow.

This isn’t her first serious relationship but it’s definitely the one she seems happiest with and I can see her falling head over heels in love with him. This appears to be very different to her previous relationships.

He is 7 years older than her which isn’t a problem for her or me, he sounds lovely and they seem very well suited.

When can I expect to meet him? What’s the normal timescale for meet the parents? I’ve said we’d like to meet him soon as they seem to be getting along so well. I think she’s keen for us to meet him but is really scared of jinxing something that is going really well.

I’d just like to meet the man who appears to have stollen my daughters heart!

My friend suggested when they’ve been dating four or five months 🤷🏻‍♀️But that seems like too long to wait!

My daughter and I have a very close relationship and I’m just keen to see if new man measures up!

Any views or timescale of when you introduced your parents to your new significant other?

OP posts:
ExConstance · 12/04/2021 10:52

DS2 has been with his current girlfriend for just over a year, we agreed between us yesterday that over the summer might be a good time to meet her.

fishonabicycle · 12/04/2021 10:53

It's up to her - no time frame is 'usual'.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 12/04/2021 10:53

From the other thread:

"Maybe having been dumped at a similar age by my first love it’s just yunearthed long forgotten feelings! I think I may have forgotten how ruthless teens can be!"

Are you worried this new, older guy will break her heart if it doesn't work out?

sanfranfibber · 12/04/2021 10:54

I think some posters on here have missed the fact that fuckboys isn't an alternative, explicit term for boyfriend, and OP's daughter wouldn't be called a fuckgirl.

A fuckboy is an player/arsehole/cheat

Blindstupid · 12/04/2021 10:54

meow Good grief, land the helicopter and let her set her own timeframe

Grin Grin Grin

Fatladyslim · 12/04/2021 10:59

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Fatladyslim, not really. At least it's not a bloody royal thread disguised as some sort of question.

As it is, the OP is out of line but even so, the pouncers ought could really cool it a bit.

I think people react to threads like this so badly because they overly empathise with the DD in the situation. It gives me a physical cringe and I haven't even been in a simular situation. Many posters here will have overbearing mothers who act like this and they respond in the way they would appreciate someone else doing so for them.

If it is just a chat the op wants, post it in chat.

Moat of the Royal family posts should fuck off too though although I just hide the majority now as its soooo dull!

ClashCityRocker · 12/04/2021 11:00

My now husband met my mother and brother on our first official date 🙈🙈🙈

Completely by accident, they didn't know I was on a date and had called in to the pub we were in on the way home from shopping in town. I used to drink in their fairly regularly at the time so they just plonked themselves down next to me and started chatting away.
Fortunately, I had actually known now DH for a few months through work - I can imagine it being excruciating if it was an online dating type scenario and the first time I'd met him face to face.

Following that, it was just 'I need to call in to mums to pick this up on the way to xyz' rather than a formal meet-the-parents dinner type thing.

It was certainly more formal with my father - we arranged to meet for a meal to introduce him. Although the pressure was slightly off as he was also introducing his new wife to me.

Embracingthechaos · 12/04/2021 11:09

I'm very open with my mum about relationships but I honestly wouldn't even be thinking of introducing someone to her after such a short amount of time.

My husband met my mum after about 8 months. It was because there was a family thing happening, and not just a "take you home to meet my parents" type of thing.

You sound too involved and I think you need to cool it.

DDIJ · 12/04/2021 11:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

notalwaysalondoner · 12/04/2021 11:20

I'd say it depends hugely where they live - do they live in the same town as you? My parents met my now-husband after about 2-3 months but we were away at university, I met his parents at a similar timescale. I'd say less than a couple of months is unlikely as it is such a new relationship, she is probably nervous (and with justification) of 'scaring him off' by doing too much, too soon in terms of family introductions etc. I'd say 2-3 months for a serious adult relationship where both parties are committed seems about right, more if they live far away.

Pedalpushers · 12/04/2021 11:33

I met my husbands parents after about 4 months, his mum is a very involved, family oriented sort of person. He met my parents after about 9 months I think? Then our parents met each other about 3 years in.

Lweji · 12/04/2021 11:35

Yes I am a fully functioning normal adult and I’m not a controlling bitch.

Controlling bitches would say exactly the same. Wink

Allwokedup · 12/04/2021 11:36

You’re massively overthinking. It’s up to you daughter when she wants you to meet him. You sound pretty full on she’s probably scared you’re going to scare him off! She’s an adult now, it’s time to start looking at your own life, not your daughters anymore.

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 11:40

@Alijane46

Defo YABU. And you're being very full-on and intense. We didn't meet our DD's boyfriend for around 6 weeks, and that was pre covid times!

Also, we met his folks 3 or 4 times (in the first 6 months of the relationship, when he still lived with them,) and have only seen them 3 times in the past 4 years. Last time Christmas 2019. They're pleasant enough, but we have nothing in common with them, and I think it's weird to have a friendship/close contact with your DCs partner's parents, and family. It can cause all kinds of issues if/when they split

Also, haven't RTFT, so don't know if someone has said anything, but she is 18 and he is 25???, That makes me a bit concerned. I would not have liked my DD coming home at 18, and announcing she has a 25 y.o. boyfriend,

Histrionicz · 12/04/2021 11:42

Oh wow. If my mum said this about men I was seeing I would burst into flames 😱

Never met the previous couple of fuckboys she dated, never felt any need or interest in meeting them!

Blindstupid · 12/04/2021 11:43

little ... the daughter is 20, the boyfriend 7 years older, so 27 ... however as OP describes her daughter as nearly 21 then I’m guessing the boyfriend is 28 ... too big an age gap at those ages imo, but others are ok with it.

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 11:45

@breadbinbaby

I think you sound lovely OP. There are just a lot of unhappy people right now using the internet to stick the boot into anyone to make them feel better, don’t worry. I’d want to meet him too - I’d ask her to invite him round! My soon to be DH (when I was her age, with a bigger age gap) met my mum and dad after about two or three months, because I’m similarly close to them and it was natural. His family live too far away for a casual meeting, so that was about nine months in.
I think you sound lovely OP. There are just a lot of people right now using the internet who have different views to you and me, and are voicing those views. Not everyone is going to agree with us.

Fixed that for you...

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 11:46

@Blindstupid

little ... the daughter is 20, the boyfriend 7 years older, so 27 ... however as OP describes her daughter as nearly 21 then I’m guessing the boyfriend is 28 ... too big an age gap at those ages imo, but others are ok with it.
My bad. Sorry. I saw '18 months' in the first part of the OP, and had it in my head the DD was 18!
Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 12/04/2021 11:51

I met my DPs family when I was 20 weeks pregnant. 9 years later I love his family. They took on my eldest daughter as their own.
So there is no timescale.

breadbinbaby · 12/04/2021 11:53

No, I meant what I said, but thanks! Smile

OolieMacdoolie · 12/04/2021 11:54

It’s totally up to her. I would expect some time within six months, but could be longer. One month in would definitely be too soon for most people, they’ve barely got going.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 12/04/2021 12:04

Your daughter is 20 - she's an adult.

You've told us she's had a few brief relationships with young men whom she and you refer to as "fuckboys". You've discussed in considerable detail a previous longer relationship a couple of years ago in another MN thread.

You've now posted about a new relationship of only a few weeks. You've asked when it would be reasonable to meet this new guy who is 7 years older and appears to make your daughter very happy. You've said you are "just keen to see if new man measures up!" (presumably "measures up" to your expectations).

Your daughter is 20; this new relationship may or may not work out, irrespective of whether the guy in question "measures up". Over the next 10 years your daughter may have many more relationships of various lengths.

Is she comfortable with you discussing her relationships on a public forum, and on a public forum where posts may be cached by Google?

I mean this kindly and can understand that you want her to be happy but you do seem far too enmeshed with her love life and if you were my mother - I would veto my relationships being discussed on forums.

The90swereadecadeago · 12/04/2021 12:22

When she decides Smile

NotMeekNotObedient · 12/04/2021 12:43

At least 6 months. Maybe more.

littlepattilou · 12/04/2021 14:53

@ShrinkingViolet9

Your daughter is 20 - she's an adult.

You've told us she's had a few brief relationships with young men whom she and you refer to as "fuckboys". You've discussed in considerable detail a previous longer relationship a couple of years ago in another MN thread.

You've now posted about a new relationship of only a few weeks. You've asked when it would be reasonable to meet this new guy who is 7 years older and appears to make your daughter very happy. You've said you are "just keen to see if new man measures up!" (presumably "measures up" to your expectations).

Your daughter is 20; this new relationship may or may not work out, irrespective of whether the guy in question "measures up". Over the next 10 years your daughter may have many more relationships of various lengths.

Is she comfortable with you discussing her relationships on a public forum, and on a public forum where posts may be cached by Google?

I mean this kindly and can understand that you want her to be happy but you do seem far too enmeshed with her love life and if you were my mother - I would veto my relationships being discussed on forums.

Agree with all of this. ^