When do we get to meet the new boyfriend?

[Alijane46]

Not really an AIBU but more a general question, when is it reasonable to meet your daughters new man?

DD is nearly 21 and I’m so happy that after a really shit 18 months (for many different reason ) she has happily fallen for a guy she works with and they have been dating for just over a month.

The relationship has taken off really quickly, she seems so happy with him and it sounds as though he is with her. She stays over at his each weekend (I know it’s against covid before anyone says anything, both work in hospital, both had covid and both double vaccinated) and it looks as though they have gotten serious very quickly even though they were just going to take things real slow.

This isn’t her first serious relationship but it’s definitely the one she seems happiest with and I can see her falling head over heels in love with him. This appears to be very different to her previous relationships.

He is 7 years older than her which isn’t a problem for her or me, he sounds lovely and they seem very well suited.

When can I expect to meet him? What’s the normal timescale for meet the parents? I’ve said we’d like to meet him soon as they seem to be getting along so well. I think she’s keen for us to meet him but is really scared of jinxing something that is going really well.

I’d just like to meet the man who appears to have stollen my daughters heart!

My friend suggested when they’ve been dating four or five months 🤷🏻‍♀️But that seems like too long to wait!

My daughter and I have a very close relationship and I’m just keen to see if new man measures up!

Any views or timescale of when you introduced your parents to your new significant other?

I’m a cynical old bitch.. all I see are red flags.. madly in love after 1 month, met at work (don’t shit where you eat), age gap.. I admire your enthusiasm, I’d be more worried it’ll all end in tears.

I would say 6 months, that's when I met my now DH's parents at age 24. I introduced him to mine a bit sooner, maybe 4 months, because my dad was really ill but it felt too soon.

It's a nerve wracking experience! I left DH alone with mum for long enough to use the toilet and she whipped out the baby albums.

The parents met each other after about a year or so.

OP, do you normally get this over-invested this quickly? They might have broken up in another month, after an intense, brief flash in the pan that might in fact be very good for your daughter's recovery from whatever it is that's made her unhappy!

Seriously, this kind of thing is why neither I nor any of my siblings introduced our boyfriends or girlfriends to my parents (with whom we have very good relationships) for years. My mother fundamentally doesn't get that it's perfectly normal to have lots of relationships and break up and be broken up with without that being some kind of tragedy. No one wants to introduce their boyfriend, who is also a colleague, to a mother who thinks that 4 or 5 months into a relationship is 'too long to wait' and clearly can't wait to get her eyes on the man who has 'stolen her daughter's heart'.

I think I'd be moving out in your DD's shoes!

Not pressurising her at all apart from saying we’d like to meet him if it carries on going well.

Just more interested in others experiences really.

I won’t be inviting him to any family gatherings for a while obvs!

I also realise she is very young still and will most likely have many more relationships.

I also know her inside out, and this is something very different for her in terms of how she feels for this guy.

I suppose I’m just so very happy she’s found the happiness she deserves and YES I may have got a bit carried away!

"... nothing I can do if I don’t think he measures up."

Measures up to what? To your expectations?

She'll introduce him when she's ready. But possibly she senses you are too eager to gauge whether he meets your criteria.

I introduced my boyfriend to my family after 3 months of living together at my Dads birthday meal. Even then it felt too soon although we were living together almost straight away. She’ll just bring him round when she’s ready, let them enjoy their new relationship without the hassle of meeting family.

I think after 6 months I might plan to introduce them, but maybe sooner if there was an event it would be normal to bring him to.

i think inviting him for xmas/winter sometime is a reasonable target.

My daughter and I have a very close relationship

I also know her inside out

Well, the daughter you know will be an entirely different person in the context of a sexual relationship. The version of me my mother who would also say she is closer to me than to all my younger siblings 'knows' is rooted in childhood and teenage versions of me that she hasn't let go of. I'm a married 40something novelist and academic, and 90% of my life is completely unknown to her.

I'd agree just to cool it but I'll give you the advice you asked for.

I met DP in the October and by end of November my Mum had met him. I was living with my mum so he popped in one day when I had a nasty cold to drop off some supplies and he met mum that way - no organised or grand fanfare.

I met DPs parents about a month or two after, just before Christmas. They made a real fanfare of it and it was so awkward as his mum thinks she can read people psychically (she can't) and put me on the spot about a lot of things she apparently could 'sense' - were NC with her now for a variety of reasons but she made it very clear despite being a horrible mum to DP that no woman was really good enough

Recently my brother (33) has met someone and he introduced her to my Mum after about 6 weeks - Covid restrictions obviously so through a car door. Again no fanfare, just a hello.

I think the less you can make of these kind of things the better - the idea of meeting someone's family at a big gathering or hosted meal would make me feel terribly anxious!

In my twenties no one met my parents! Honestly didn't see the need? This probably won't be her only relationship. My parents haven't met DHs parents after 10 years, love them all dearly it's just not happened.

Previous boyfriends met my Mum round the 2/3/4 month mark.

I'm super super close to my Mum for context so it feels natural for me for them to meet. But she's never ever made a fuss.

At least 3-4 months, calm down Mother, he hasn't proposed!

I really can't stand over-bearing mothers. This seems so odd to start a thread asking when you will meet daughters boyfriend. Whenever she damn well feels like is the answer, but my answer is above.

Does she live with you? If so then I do think that changes things and you'll probably meet him within a month or two. If not, 6 months is probably more like it. It took DP 9 months to introduce me to his parents and I think that was a bit long, I was wondering what was wrong with me (he lived at home at that point).

He’s 28, she’s 21, it’s been one calendar month. Calm your jets, you sound like just the sort of overly involved mother a nearly 30 year old man will desperately avoid.

@Regularsizedrudy

I’m a cynical old bitch.. all I see are red flags.. madly in love after 1 month, met at work (don’t shit where you eat), age gap.. I admire your enthusiasm, I’d be more worried it’ll all end in tears.

Agree, young me would have loved this, but now I would be cynical too. Also it has just been a month, four weeks, I have had cheese in the fridge longer than that. Everyone involved (and over involved) needs to calm down.

I introduced my partner to my parents when I was engaged and a done deal. I just really couldn't be doing listening to them about why they're so fantastic and too good for me (mum) and why they're terrible and I could do better (dad).

Just to clarify:

Just wanted others stories or experiences!

Even though I’m very close to my DD I totally totally get her relationship with her new man will be totally different to our mother daughter relationship!

Didn’t say she had fallen “madly in love “ with him but this is probably the most invested she’s been with anyone even though she was in an 8 month relationship a year or so ago.

Yes she still lives with us.

No we aren’t over bearing parents and she lives pretty much how ever she chooses without judgment on our part.

We knew her previous boyfriend and met after two months or so, he used to stay over here.

Never met the previous couple of fuckboys she dated, never felt any need or interest in meeting them!

If we meet him then I really hope it’s will be a pop in a say hello moment, nothing formal, hell no!

When I was 20/21 I introduced my boyfriend to my mum after a few weeks but that was because I wanted him to stop over (parents didn’t mind) so it was fair.
I do think it’s entirely up to your daughter. If it was me I would say “weathers hopefully getting nice again soon, we should have a BBQ (with just whoever lives in your house), your boyfriend is welcome to come if he wants” and leave it there.
If she wants him to come she’ll mention it to him, if she doesn’t it’s not a big deal invite that she’ll feel obligated to bring him over yet.
I was very much a private person growing up so I think that’d be the best thing id like to have suggested to me ☺️

I would probably keep him away from you for a while if I was her. You sound completely over-invested and stressful.

This isn’t her first serious relationship but it’s definitely the one she seems happiest with

It's hardly a serious relationship. It's been a month. You honestly need to calm right down and take a huge step back. This guy may turn out to be not all you want him to be and when your DD works that out she needs the space and ability to step back.

It's more complicated now as well, they probably haven't even decided they're girlfriend & boyfriend yet.
There's a 'talking to' stage moving onto 'dating' & then, often months later it becomes more official.
I think a good few months in sounds about right.
It's a learning curve though, dd was seeing someone she got on really with for a few months but we never met him. In my day you were boyfriend & girlfriend straight away & met parents quite quickly.
It's all changed!

"fuckboys"?

Realistically I know we will meet him when they are both ready but just interested in others experiences and stories.

That's the only answer, really... but I met my DH's parents when we'd been together for about 10 months, I think. It still felt weirdly soon, if I'm honest! He put a shirt on and everything .

They were lovely and welcoming and after that I tended to see them whenever DH did... once a week for a few years, after his Dad was unwell, and now we're finding a middle ground which isn't quite so intense after Covid. They're lovely people.

I know you're excited for her, and that's lovely, but the reality is that you might never meet him, or you might be waiting quite some time. We had it "easy" because I don't have parents for DH to meet... if I did, we'd have held off a bit longer, because it felt a big move to introduce everyone. And also because we were head-over-heels and wanted to spend time in our little bubble together, rather than answering 21 questions .

@ShrinkingViolet9

"fuckboys"?

Indeed.

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