As a hoarder, AIBU to ask how much stuff you've kept / thrown away

[BrianJacquesfan]

I am starting to realise i maybe have a problem...
Friends are weirdly cagey about this so is hard to ask them and get an answer.

Have you kept, for example, your old school exercise books? Text books from uni? Story books from your childhood? Your kids' clothes? Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Your DCs old school exercise books? Christmas and birthday cards? Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Clothes that you're too fat for? Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.? Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books?

I guess I just want to get an idea of what is "normal"... as I said my friends are quite cagey and I don't have that many anyway 🙃

thank you for reading x

I’ve kept hospital band from birth, red books, a handful of baby clothes/blankets each, cards my children have made for me, some toys that I can use for grandchildren such as duplo and wooden train tracks, school reports.
The rule in my house is if it hasn’t been used in 12 months I don’t need it so it goes to the charity shop. Bank statements etc I keep for 12 months if not available online.

@Embroideredstars

My parents are hoarders. My children are horrified and bemused that 5 people lived in the tiny house that now only dm has. I think both of then had trauma in their childhoods that led to the behaviour

I started to do similar with old cards,.letters, school books etc but then realised.after receiving g my own childhood birthday cards from mum that they mean nothing now. I know I was loved, I do t need the cards to remind me, every year the same people sent them, lots of those people are dead now. The cards.just got recycled many years after they should have been.

I had kept my kid's cards and realised it was the same, so they went out apart from a couple of special ones.

I think the trick is to keep checking through stuff. So recently I went through birth cards i was given for both dc, loads of people I cant even remember! The baby clothes I thought I could be part with meant mostly nothing g to me 10 years on so they went to charity. I'm now working my way through toys. What I thought would be heirloom wooden toys look tatty and old now so they're going.

The kids school stuff I looked at and kept the most special pictures and the best writing or topics that showed their mind and thoughts and creativity but chucked all the handwriting practice and maths books etc.

I'm dreading the day I have to sort mums (it will be me I'm sure!) She has so much stuff from over 50 years in one house... and she can't even blame dad as we got rid if his stuff after he died!

She just can't get rid of anything. It definitely is a mental illness but she wont accept that

Yes I think it is definitely a mental illness. Or it can be. I think at the moment I am on the cusp - I could go either way. Not that I would end up like that chap on a life of grime (I get rid of rubbish, do recycling etc.) but that i will live in a messy, cluttered environment. I am sure it's related to things being damaged by my abusive ex and a burglary.

Baby's red book definitely something to keep love those things!

Think I will start with books and pens. Hard to get attached to those and relatively cheap to replace.

Clothes will be hard as I was a size 10 but depression-induced comfort eating and various psychiatric medications have made me more like a size 18. I had a terrible time in my teenage years so no actual happy memories even associated with them! But I do like to remind myself that I was once slim and attractive...

Definitely going to work my way through bath items. This is definitely a childhood thing, my parents would make their 'posh' bubble bath last years and years!

Read up about the Marie mondo method

Kondo

DH and I are the opposite of hoarders, but we've moved around a lot so it becomes necessary (especially when you move countries).
I keep a small selection of the DC schoolwork & handmade cards. I expect this to take up a couple of box files by the end of their childhoods! I do not keep any toys, books or games that they have grown out of - we sell these or give them to charity. I don't keep any books I've already read - I try to use the library or my kindle, if I end up with paper books then I take them to charity shops.
I do not have any of my own school work or university work - just my certificates, transcripts and qualifications.

You sound like my older sister. She still has story books from when her 21 year old read thomas the tank engine.

I'm not sentimental at all. Kept a few bits, kids drawings occasionally (although they draw endlessly so would be impossible to keep it all), the birthday cards we gave the kids as we write a message about how their last year has been and documents dating back 6 years.

Any ornaments I have are on display, all 4 of them.

I hate clutter!

Of you have way too many bath items, sort through, keep favourite few and donate the rest. The excess will be used straight away by someone who needs it, and you have a clearer space. You don’t need to keep years worth of supplies.

Hi OP,
It’s so fabulous that you are willing to have a go at all this!
It does sound like there is a bit of background to unpack, with regards to your previous experiences. I think you would benefit so much from mindset work, things like hypnotherapy, NLP would really boost the momentum and tackle these issues. Do you have a friend who could help you? If you’re happy to, you can private message me with the city or general area you live in. I would be more than happy to come and help you. Sometimes it is easier with someone you don’t know. I’ve done this before for families and friends, it is such a good feeling when people have decluttered and they are proud and delighted.

I have hoarding tendencies which I have to work exceptionally hard to stop things building up again. I have two questions I ask myself. Do I wish I didn't own this item? Which helps me to get rid of things which I feel like I ought to keep like presents and hand me downs, and What is the worst that could happen if I change my mind? Which helps me get rid of things which might at some point be useful, but in reality could be replaced if really needed.

Snail I tend to hoard a few too many sentimental things while still knowing they’re taking up valuable space or unsightly. This seems like a brilliant approach ‘do I wish I didn’t own it’ - very powerful when you think about that. Helps you see gift guilt, environmental waste shame, emotional feelings of loss of people or of some happy times linked to certain things, self esteem and self forgiveness around getting rid of particular stuff clearly. I feel that will help me put some things into a perspective that’s quite apart from the physical object itself. I almost always do wish I didn’t own it, but then there’s a ‘but..’ so it’s about seeing that part about not wanting the ‘thing’ itself very clearly and then acting on it.

I understand about being on the cusp op.

I think there is danger I could go the same way but every now then gave a blitz which mum never does. Very recently I got rid of lovely clothes I'd kept for years and years thinking I'll fit in it one day, or they're too nice to give away etc I just had an epiphany that even if i did fit in them again, they suited my life in my 20s & 30s I'm now moving to Late 40s i don't suit them anymore.

I know why mum never chucked us kids stuff, because she said she came home from school one day to find all her toys and books given away by her mum and she vowed never to do the same. Hers is also tied up with the loss of her father as a very small child.

I ask my kids what they want to keep and away. One is better than the other at it, he is very like my mum in lots of ways so perhaps there a tendency to such behaviour.

I think my biggest challenge will come when mum dies as there is so much stuff and I will fall into her trap of wanting to keep stuff as it meant something to her, she does love all her ornaments and china, but I know dh will have 50 fits about most of it and not want it at all.

Giggling at you thinking that I am organised Brian!

I forgot to mention my hoarding of bath, body, face, make up products etc. How convenient of me!

This isn’t on a par with my clothes issue (nothing ever could be) but it is pretty bad. As an example, I have enough body lotion/cream to last me for four years even if I were to moisturise my entire body every 2-3 days. Pretty bad, eh?

I spent last year and the year before ploughing through my stash of body an face products. I made lists of everything I had under different category headings eg bubble bath, bar soap, hand cream, night cream etc and gave myself monthly targets of items to use up. I bought nothing at all, but I was given some things for birthdays, Christmas etc. I am now in a much, much better position. I still have lots left, but I did a tally, and I used 170+ of those items in 2019 and 2020. Not all were full size though! It freed up loads of space and I feel so much better for not having them.

I also gave some things away - the hygiene bank in Boots is good for this. I also repurposed things eg face creams or face oils that I didn’t really like or I reacted to were used on my neck and chest.

My DF would keep things that might be useful, to the extent that, when DM put them out the evening before bun collection, he'd wait until she was in bed asleep, then sneak them back in the house.......then, to avoid a row, he'd put them up in the loft. He came from a poor family where nothing was wasted, and could be an inspired recycler, but didn't always consider what might come in useful. For example, I am old enough to have been bathed in a papier-mache baby bath, rather than plastic. What modern new parent would appreciate having that passed on to them, especially when dusty from storage? DM was better at passing on things which might be useful, or disposing.
At one time, when the bank sent paper statements, they also returned all the cleared cheques (this was discontinued in the 60's) and when clearing the infamous loft after their deaths, I discovered every cheque carefully stored, from the time when he was required to set up an account, having gained officer status. In 1942.
My loft contains a water tank. That's it. But I think it's in the genes, as I have to resist the "It might come in useful" impulse.

• bin collection! There's a Freudian slip typo from someone just restarting the diet!

your old school exercise books - yes most of them
Text books from uni? - some of them (they are relevant for my job).

Story books from your childhood? - most of them. But I'm now reading them with my son
Your kids' clothes? - No, only a few special bits
Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? - Only some bits
Your DCs old school exercise books? - Yes.

Christmas and birthday cards? - some of them. Mainly special ones.

Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? - Yes, and no. Not cinema tickets, but I do keep concert tickets and letters.
Jewellery you don't wear anymore? - some of it. Not much
Clothes that you're too fat for? - I've clothes from size 10 - 18.

Old bank statements? - No.
Letters from HMRC etc.? No, only P60s
Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books? - I've loads of books!

I’d keep most of the things you listed, but I know have a problem with getting rid of things I no longer need

I am trying to tackle it, with support from fellow MNers on a decluttering thread @(www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/4183135-Decluttering-one-item-a-day-and-counting-down-til-the-opening-of-charity-shops-thread-number-17)

One thing that is helping is trying not to bring new stuff into the house, or getting rid of something if I buy something new.

You mentioned buying all the newspapers from the weekend after the news about Prince Phillip. While I can understand the urge (it is interesting to see how it’s reported), do you really need all of them? Could you just keep one of them (your usual paper) if you can’t get rid of all of them?

Have you kept, for example, your old school exercise books? No. I have one memory book from the last day of sixth form and a signed shirt.

Text books from uni? For a time, then got rid.

Story books from your childhood? No, but DH's mum kept two toys she passed down to our child.

Your kids' clothes? Yes but only because we plan to have a second.

Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Yes, but she's only 1. I would find it hard to let go tbh. Will have to have a one in one out policy and photograph the ones that get thrown away.

Your DCs old school exercise books? Too young. but I know DH's mum kept some key bits after she did a huge sort out when her sons left home.

Christmas and birthday cards? Some. Christmas cards I keep for a time as I like to recycle them as gift tags. I do find some of these hard to get rid of, particularly from elderly relatives.

Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Ummm no I don't keep too much. And I regularly get rid. Eg) Lots of gig playlists and photos from my 20s I kept for years, I threw away. I think as one season of my life ends and things aren't so important to me or my identity anymore, it's easier to get rid.

Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Nope

Clothes that you're too fat for? eBay em

Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.? Not bank statements cus you can get them online or order if you need them. And I've never needed them in my life. Other things like HMRC letters I keep for a bit. If I have to action it or it has details in I'll keep it. But if it's a reminder or whatever, i bin it. Now it's all by email and I delete them unless it's important.

Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books? Books, no. I tend to get rid every few years. I'd keep one hole puncher, two max. Never 5.

Does anyone else keep old passports? I have tons of those. Or programmes - from the theatre. I have a box of those. And newspapers from significant dates. E.g. today I got several because Prince Philip had died

All no, except one paper my in laws gave when my daughter was born.

I think perhaps your friends might keep one or two of the things on your list, but not all. Different people are sentimental about different things. Most people aren't sentimental about everything.

I think you need to think about why are you keeping these things. If you can't think of why you need them or might want them in the future, throw out.

My 9 year old DD and I watched the Stacey Solomon programme yesterday. It was fascinating. Afterwards, DD went upstairs and threw out all the old school books that I'd been putting in her cupboard for her. When I asked why she didn't want to keep any of them, she said "I don't need them. They're just taking up space." She kept one or two things that were important to her but otherwise, 4 years of school papers, drawings and books have gone in the recycling.

Lesson learned. You can't create other people's memories for them.

When I had to clear my mother's house a few years ago, I realised just how pointless it is hoarding all the old stuff.
She lived in a huge 4 bed house. Once we had cleared it all out, the few antiques, collectables, all fitted into 1 room.
The guy who cleared the furniture said most of it would go to the tip.
We had a bonfire burning for 48 hours. 2 skips & car loads of clothing for the charity shop.
I swore I would never leave that for my dc. & so have gradually gone through my house being ruthless.
Recently throwing out old diaries, not something I want my dc to read & meaningless to them.
I have kept my dds first shoes... & a couple of drawings... thats it.
To be honest a lot is dhs shit, tools, & accumulated junk. I cant ditch.
I think you should try & eliminate alot of things. Esp old clothes sizes too small, if you cant, get help before it becomes impossible to control

I've kept a representative sample of things from each stage of my life. I have books from childhood I'd never part with, for example, but most have been passed on. A selection of little treasures from holidays and so on, but not so many that I lose track.

I have space to keep everything I want to keep in a tidy fashion, which I like.

STBXH keeps everything he's ever been given (gifts have to be kept even if ill-fitting, out-of-date, duplicated etc) - often these were never used but kept unwrapped and still in their boxes - and everything he'd ever bought - even if superseded, out of style, whatever, complete with all labels, bags & receipts.

Piles of magazines going back years & unfiled paperwork are in every room.

Boxes of empty bottles that he likes the labels of are in cupboards and piled up in the spare room.

He reckons he needs more storage, so buys shelving etc that gets filled up where it stands in the middle of any old space, as there is too much clutter to position it properly.

I reckon he needs less stuff, rather than more storage - this is apparently because I am unsentimental

I found it incredibly stressful living in the same space as him.

Also, they have publicized recently that there is a substance in some face creams that becomes carcinogenic after 12 months.
Most if the bath oils, make up etc will he out of date, & possible go rank.