As a hoarder, AIBU to ask how much stuff you've kept / thrown away

[BrianJacquesfan]

I am starting to realise i maybe have a problem...
Friends are weirdly cagey about this so is hard to ask them and get an answer.

Have you kept, for example, your old school exercise books? Text books from uni? Story books from your childhood? Your kids' clothes? Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Your DCs old school exercise books? Christmas and birthday cards? Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Clothes that you're too fat for? Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.? Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books?

I guess I just want to get an idea of what is "normal"... as I said my friends are quite cagey and I don't have that many anyway 🙃

thank you for reading x

As a mild hoarder, I've kept far too much & thrown out far too little!
I've still got my mother's school satchel & exercise books from 1950-60 that I can't bring myself to get rid of. Her wedding dress is stored in a wardrobe.
I found Mum kept ALL my school reports (I'm 49....) which are a hilarious read & letters I'd sent her from when I lived abroad.
I've got costume jewellery from great aunts & grandmothers.
Still got the books that my Dad used to teach me to read, all my childhood books, photos I've taken on school trips with my Brownie camera as a child.
I do have financial stuff from well over 6 years ago because you never know!

I am in my 60's and in 1987 we had a major house water leak whilst we were out on a day trip,
So much got destroyed, but apart from the photos that ended up pulp I realised at the end of the day it was just "stuff" not that important in the grand scheme of things. Whilst at the time it was traumatic it made me realise that even these sentimental items are not that important as in a couple of generations they will mean nothing to future family members.

Ive just found ds1 preschool reports

He is 22 now

When my kids were little we used to have clear out days.
We get rid of the stuff they'd green out of or no longer played with.
Keep everything they loved and then they got money ti buy something new

Fir me
I used the Karen Kingston rules.

•	Does it lift my energy when I think about it or look at it?
•	Do I absolutely love it?
•	Is it genuinely useful?

I'm pretty unsentimental and, morbid as it is, just see that stuff as junk someone will have to sort through when I die. I recently found old ticket stubs and postcards from when I went backpacking and wondered why on earth I'd kept them. I remember the travelling fondly. The sick-inducing bus journeys not so much.

My lovely nan was quite extreme with this, so much so that my poor dad had to prise his wedding photos from her hands as she tried to bin the album!

I downsized years back and have continued minimising possessions.
You need to allocate a space ( whether that is the space you have, or a sensible space if you live somewhere big) for each category, and not exceed that.
It's all about being honest, and growing your decluttering muscles.
A lot of people find the calm an uncluttered space brings is life-changing.
We want our homes to be a place to rest, relax, socialise etc, so we don't want to turn them into storage units.
The crucial starting point is to change your mindset on bringing new stuff in.

I have a fantasy of spending a wet afternoon up in the attic going through a chest full of old photos, mementos and letters.

Only problem with this is that I don't have an attic. I'm not ever likely to have an attic. The only people I know with attics tend to keep their christmas trees up there and certainly don't have the space to have vintage chests full of letters laid out for rainy day browsing (and if they do have the space then they'd do a loft conversion).

Actually, not the only problem. I had a look through some old letters I'd saved last summer and to be honest it was a lot less fun than I thought it would be - I wasn't the witty lady of letters that I thought I was in my teens

We have archive-type plastic boxes in the loft for sentimental items, one per person. Feels about right to keep a few mementos and photos without it becoming excessive. Bulky things like furniture or boxes of books we only keep if we have room, i.e. not much.

I love "do I wish I didn't own it".

That really resonates. A lot of stuff feels like a millstone... Was brought up to not "waste" things so if you have something, you need to keep it (and be grateful!). This thread's been a real eye-opener in terms of looking at how my mind works! Love it!

@Embroideredstars

I understand about being on the cusp op.

I think there is danger I could go the same way but every now then gave a blitz which mum never does. Very recently I got rid of lovely clothes I'd kept for years and years thinking I'll fit in it one day, or they're too nice to give away etc I just had an epiphany that even if i did fit in them again, they suited my life in my 20s & 30s I'm now moving to Late 40s i don't suit them anymore.

I know why mum never chucked us kids stuff, because she said she came home from school one day to find all her toys and books given away by her mum and she vowed never to do the same. Hers is also tied up with the loss of her father as a very small child.

I ask my kids what they want to keep and away. One is better than the other at it, he is very like my mum in lots of ways so perhaps there a tendency to such behaviour.

I think my biggest challenge will come when mum dies as there is so much stuff and I will fall into her trap of wanting to keep stuff as it meant something to her, she does love all her ornaments and china, but I know dh will have 50 fits about most of it and not want it at all.

Oh no! Your poor mum! That is literally my worst nightmare 😬🙁 have had instances where this has happened on a smaller scale (once when I was a teenager and more recently when my abusive ex damaged some of my stuff and refused to return other things) - am sure this is what has caused my hoarding tendencies... What's especially hard is that my ex knew how upsetting I found the first incident and that is why he did it)

@Pancakeorcrepe

Hi OP, It’s so fabulous that you are willing to have a go at all this! It does sound like there is a bit of background to unpack, with regards to your previous experiences. I think you would benefit so much from mindset work, things like hypnotherapy, NLP would really boost the momentum and tackle these issues. Do you have a friend who could help you? If you’re happy to, you can private message me with the city or general area you live in. I would be more than happy to come and help you. Sometimes it is easier with someone you don’t know. I’ve done this before for families and friends, it is such a good feeling when people have decluttered and they are proud and delighted.

Thank you that is really kind! ❤ I will PM you x

@PussGirl

I've kept a representative sample of things from each stage of my life. I have books from childhood I'd never part with, for example, but most have been passed on. A selection of little treasures from holidays and so on, but not so many that I lose track.

I have space to keep everything I want to keep in a tidy fashion, which I like.

STBXH keeps everything he's ever been given (gifts have to be kept even if ill-fitting, out-of-date, duplicated etc) - often these were never used but kept unwrapped and still in their boxes - and everything he'd ever bought - even if superseded, out of style, whatever, complete with all labels, bags & receipts.

Piles of magazines going back years & unfiled paperwork are in every room.

Boxes of empty bottles that he likes the labels of are in cupboards and piled up in the spare room.

He reckons he needs more storage, so buys shelving etc that gets filled up where it stands in the middle of any old space, as there is too much clutter to position it properly.

I reckon he needs less stuff, rather than more storage - this is apparently because I am unsentimental

I found it incredibly stressful living in the same space as him.

Your STBXH sounds like me as I am really messy as well as hoarderish 😕

With gifts I think it helps to think like this scenario

If I was a friend in real life and saw you had a lovely pale blue jumper and you said it needed an accessory so I bought you a silk scarf in various shades of blue and you then wore it with said jumper and liked it but eventually jumper wore out and you needed to get rid of it.I would never expect you to keep the scarf I had bought that no longer matched anything you could give it away or sell it,but iwould never want you to feel obliged to keep it as I had bought it,it was lovely and you used it but now although lovely it is no longer useful in fact it is a burden as it reminds you of the jumper you had to throw away. I would never want anything I had given to a friend to become a guilt trap or a millstone but rather enjoy the fact that it was once a thoughtful gift but now it has served purpose and is ready to be enjoyed by someone else so you can let it go guilt free

It is like the coat / suit that you gave away and think you might regret as your child loved it and was so cosy in it, do you have a photo of your child wearing it,maybe your memory can be in the photo of your child warm and cosy in it and that is the memory encapsulated rather than the coat in a box as the photo shows the coat being used for what it was and so maybe you don't need both the photo and the actual coat, the value of that coat is not so much the physical item but that when it fitted your child it was useful and beautiful and maybe thinking like that could help you not need the coat back

Hope that helps

This thread has inspired me to do a lot of decluttering in the last couple of days, long way to go but thank you! My worst problem is worrying about landfill, I know this is stupid as if I don't chuck it away (obviously after recycling, charitable avenues have been pursued) then whoever has the unenviable task of clearing my house will end up doing that anyway so I may as well do it now! The struggle is real though.

Well done! It’s very easy to hold on to things out of guilt, I am really trying to work on that. You’re absolutely right about only delaying the inevitable, that’s a helpful thing to keep in mind. Thank you.

@BrianJacquesfan

Welltidy - you sound super organised I think I might start with pens as can't really go wrong with them!

Do people have ornaments? I have quite a lot of those. Some (most) of which were presents.

Cuddly toys? My parents kept all of mine from childhood - too many too count, about 2 large stakkaboxes at least. My main teddy is in my room.

I have kept all my DCs cuddly toys not sure if I can get rid as they are important to the DC who has ASD.

Toiletries / smellies / bath bombs etc? Have huge issues with these, I 'save' the nice ones which then never get used although I am getting better at this.

Ornaments?

Yes, ones I have chosen that I think look good in my rooms. Lots of photos though.
One teddy which is now nearly 70. One special one for each DC. Their children play with them
Toiletries - there is no 'special'. They are lovely, make me feel nice and get used. If I don't like them they go to charity

Ornaments - only keep those nice ones that’s have a function. Vase/ clock/ candles/ mini storage chest

Teddies - no I kept none from my childhood. Ds has one of dhs in laws kept.

I have a decent sized plastic storage box with a lid and special little sentimental things /letters etc go in there, if it looks full it gets sorted through and some stuff gets chucked out. I am ruthless. There’s no room for sentimentality!!

Kids stuff goes in one too but you simply can’t keep all their stuff - it might seem like when they’re older they might like to look at it , but really it’s meaningless junk, the odd certificate or trophy or something like that isn’t, or school class pics are nice to look at, but random birthday cards off people you get them from every year and clothes that other people could use , nope

Thank you for all the advice it is really helpful to know what other people do, especially in terms of what people do with their kids' stuff as I know my experience (ie my parent kept everything) wasn't very normal. I think i don't have much confidence and want to make sure I'm doing the "right" thing for my kids, as daft as that sounds 😕