As a hoarder, AIBU to ask how much stuff you've kept / thrown away

[BrianJacquesfan]

I am starting to realise i maybe have a problem...
Friends are weirdly cagey about this so is hard to ask them and get an answer.

Have you kept, for example, your old school exercise books? Text books from uni? Story books from your childhood? Your kids' clothes? Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? Your DCs old school exercise books? Christmas and birthday cards? Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? Jewellery you don't wear anymore? Clothes that you're too fat for? Old bank statements? Letters from HMRC etc.? Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? Loads of books?

I guess I just want to get an idea of what is "normal"... as I said my friends are quite cagey and I don't have that many anyway 🙃

thank you for reading x

I find it really hard to get rid of anything which was given to me, be it jewellery, books, homemade etc. You're putting an emotional value on the gift when it is the person that matters.
Marie kondo might be good for you as she deals with emotional attachments.
She thanks the home and item then says goodbye to the item.

@BrianJacquesfan I have kept 3 mobile phones. My old £10 PAYG phone I got in 2010, my DDs old clam phone from circa 2005, and DD's blackberry from around 2007.

Re old gifts from people; I only keep a few of them, not all. I have kept most stuff DD and DH have bought me however...

I don’t have DC yet so can’t comment on sentimental stuff from them but:
School books no, I only kept the actual texts from English (poetry anthology, copy of king Lear etc). I have kept my assignments (but not lecture notes etc) from university but will probably cull them later this year.
Cards - I keep the ones that are most meaningful eg special birthdays, homemade cards. Recycle the rest.
Bank statements and documents - keep the most recent 6 years, get rid of the rest.
Clothes/jewellery I don’t wear - get rid unless I am actively losing weight so will fit into again soon and it’s something I really love.
Anything just in case - get rid. Just in case never happens!
Sentimental stuff - I have one small box, smaller than a shoebox, where I keep things like tickets and festival wristbands. I used to keep every cinema ticket and I was like why? I didn’t even think this film was good! So I binned most of them. I’ve been listening to the Minimalists podcast and most important thing I’ve learnt is that the memories are inside you, not in the stuff.

your old school exercise books? - none
Text books from uni? - none
Story books from your childhood? - none, well I have 1 which DH tracked down and bought for me
Your kids' clothes? - I’ve kept a selection of baby clothes which I’m going to have made into keepsake teddies
Artwork / handicrafts made by kids? - a few year year
DD1 is only in reception - but a selection of pieces rather than all of it. Small enough that I can look at it again in the future
Christmas and birthday cards? A couple from the kids
Sentimental stuff e.g. cinema tickets, letters from friends, handmade gifts etc.? - none
Jewellery you don't wear anymore? - none
Clothes that you're too fat for? - a couple of bag I hope to diet back into
Old bank statements? - none
Letters from HMRC etc.? - keep
Things "just in case" (e.g. 5 hole punchers)? - none, they can easily be replaced
Loads of books?- I have about 30 of my favourites, although I have moved to a kindle

The Kondo book is really worth reading. She never says you have to get rid of x, y or z.

@BlackCatShadow

I know Marie Kondo is controversial by the way, What I like about her approach is that I think she deals more with the emotional side of letting things go and I think that is what is missing from a lot of approaches. In the OP's case, I sense a real emotional attachment to the stuff she has and anxiety about what to get rid of and what to keep. I think Marie Kondo might be a good way to help her deal with that burden. It's not always as easy as just grab a bin bag and throw stuff out. Sometimes it's about giving yourself permission to let things go and that can be really hard.

I agree with the above.

you could start with non sentimental things go to kitchen get all your tupperware stuff out bin everything without a lid or a lid that doesn't fit properly or is badly stained, then look at what's left do you have too many large ones how many do you need 4 small 3 medium 2 large, tupperware is cheap and not sentimental so if you leave yourself with 9 and you find you need a couple more small ones it will cost next to nothing to replace,
if a replacement can be got for less than £10 in under an hour ( either online or at a physical shop within a reasonable radius ) and you haven't used it for over a year you don't need to keep it
if something would cost £££££ to replace and hours and hours of searching keep it, for instance the main cold water stopcock in our old house has a special tool with unusual imperal thread it would be very foolish to dump it on the basis that I hadn't used for a year, however the same does not apply to the 5th hole punch you mentioned in OP
your memories are in your head not in the cinema ticket

I allocate each family member one tin box which is somewhere between shoe box and cardboard box in size. We call them our sentimental boxes and you can keep anything that fits in it. It forces prioritisation if you want to add something new but allows you to keep those things that matter the most. If it doesn't fit in the box, it's gone.

I was brought up in a tidy family in a big house where everything not needed was nearly boxed and put in the loft. So effectively tidy hoarders. My word there was a lot to sort when my parents moved!

I was doing the same but have recently got it in check. It was especially hard because my DH died in his 30s so I feel I am custodian of his stuff and our memories.

I now have:

*3x under bed memory boxes.
*One 3 section blanket box with one section a few of DHs jumpers and t shirts I couldn’t part with, and two sections old photo albums and a few bits of school and uni work.

• Two small boxes condolence cards and unsorted photos.
• One drawer further unsorted photos.
• One box file DH’s paperwork like his uni dissertation.

Maybe that still sounds like a lot but it’s a big improvement! I’ve given myself permission not to go through the photos right now.

I do have a lot of books but my rule is no more than can fit on our bookshelves, so we prune once a year. I also have a drawer of DHs minidiscs as I think they are interesting artefacts for the future 🤣 also some CDs and DVDs but mostly because there’s shelf space specially for them and there aren’t that many.

I keep very little current paperwork, but I’m lucky to be in a 4 bed house with two DCs where the box room is a permanent office.

I have very few clothes, shoes, bags as they are not interesting to me and I’ve been the same shape forever except when pregnant. My loft is virtually empty, just a few extra chairs and some camping stuff.

Agree with others re Marie Kondo, I really think it helps. Good luck!

@littlepattilou

Also wanted to add, my grandparents kept loads of stuff too (and my great grandparents,) and me (and several of my extended family,) were really happy, because a lot of precious memories were held in them.

I even found some letters my grandmother wrote to my grandfather during the second world war. He got them in the country he was stationed at at the time, and kept them, and brought them home. Such precious memories.

That's really cool! I unfortunately don't have anything like that, I'm not sure my parents do either. Think DM has some WW2 medals from DGF.

Is it normal to keep programmes from a wedding, like the order of service? I have tons of those.
Also loads and loads of birthday party invites, from when the older DCs were at primary school. Not that they are intouch with any of the kids whose birthday it was.

I think whoever suggested getting rid of the non-sentimental stuff first might be onto something so will try that to begin with.

@BrianJacquesfan

Is it normal to keep programmes from a wedding, like the order of service? I have tons of those.
Also loads and loads of birthday party invites, from when the older DCs were at primary school. Not that they are in touch with any of the kids whose birthday it was.

I keep wedding and funeral 'order of service' programmes, and also school reports and certificates etc, but only a couple of birthday party invites.

I also have my grandfather (AND great grandfather's) war medals. Cool that your DM have yours too.

Never heard of Marie Kondo, but no-one in the world will make me get rid of all my stuff!

@shrodingersbiscuit

My mam's a bit of a hoarder, I had to get really strict with her as she moved after a relationship breakdown and she just doesn't have the space.

I've lost count of how many times I've moved house since I was 15 (inc. being homeless) so now I'm the extreme opposite end of the scale. Everything I really care about could fit in a suitcase (or walk next to me because they are dogs ). Everything I need fits in a small hatchback. Everything else is furniture and can be flogged if I need to - don't get me wrong I'd be sad to see some of it go cause I like it but it doesn't really matter. Lockdown has made me even more efficient because now I know I only really wear leggings and sports gear and I only really need my pets and family.

Photos, important paperwork etc is scanned and saved in two places (two different clouds). I have a fireproof box of the originals, 2 year rule on everything, because I have electronic copies. Kindle for books. Regular clearouts of clothes I haven't worn or don't fit. The only thing I really hoard is stuff I know I'll definitely use again and would be expensive to rebuy - ski gear, dog stuff etc and I collect a particular item from every country I visit - I'd be really sad to lose them.

What my mum found helpful was to empty say, a drawer, into a box, leave it there for a week (this depends on what the drawer houses, timescales may need to be adjusted). If she used an item it could go back into the drawer. If she really loved an item - like my childhood christening bracelet - or it was worth money - like a kitchen appliance - it needed a place. If it didn't have a place, it stayed in the middle of her living room annoying her until she chucked it . You've only so many places in your house so it whittles stuff down to your favourites very quickly!

Thanks for your reply. I wonder if my being made homeless has impacted me somehow. What are your two cloud places? Is google photos the cloud? I do like the idea of scanning but am a bit technophobic.

I am the complete opposite. I regularly clear out stuff. Then a couple of years later I or the DD's will be looking for something and remember I got rid of it...... sometimes I DO regret not keeping things.

Just in the process of clearing my DM's house. In reality, there are very, very few things we are keeping. Most is going. It's old, or has no interest. Either we are very un-sentimental, or just not materially motivated. It all comes under the heading of "when will I ever use or display this", if the answer is never, get rid of it.

I have had times when i have got rid of stuff (only v small amounts) but have regretted doing so within a very short space of time. E.g. I gave a fleecey coat / all in one to a colleague who'd just had a baby... Very tempted to ask for it back even though I know how weird that'd be

I have to say having less also makes life just so much easier.
We used to have a kitchen packed with stuff in every cupboard, ontop etc.. several moved later and a huge de clutter and it’s so much easier day to day to maintain and find things. And when we wanted to replace kitchen it was relatively easy to move those essentials out. Same with every room, decorating and cleaning is so much faster.

We had too many books. Way, way too many books. I had always believed that books are important and you don’t just bin them, but over the decades the situation had got completely out of hand. They were stacked on top of the bookshelves, beside the bookshelves, on top of wardrobes, desks, the floor etc etc.

So during the first lockdown we decided to have a clearout. It was tough at first, because we weren’t comfortable with actually binning books, so we took many boxes to charity shops when they re-opened, tried to give them away by leaving them outside the house etc. When they wouldn’t take any more, we realised we had to just bin the rest. We ended up binning hundreds, and have absolutely no regrets

I own pretty much everything I've ever owned, unfortunately for me I met a partner who is exactly the same

I'm now in the process of throwing everything away

Unfortunately for us really rather than just for me

I have a policy with my own things and have had it for years. If I haven't touched it in 3 months, it's out the door. If we were to move house, I could pack my own things in a very short amount of time.

I am a hoarder by anyone’s standards. I don’t think many people realise as my house, whilst not remotely minimalist, is tidy, and I can always find what I am looking for.

But I have a huge amount of storage upstairs (fitted wardrobes, cupboards and drawers which were here when we moved in) and the type of attic which is in the eaves so is easy to get to (no need for ladders).

And that is where I hoard. I am way better in some ways than I was, but a lot worse in other ways.

I’ve made massive progress with kids stuff - I have thrown all old school exercise books, only keeping an a3 plastic envelope style folder (I think they’re called portfolio cases) of things that they’ve worked on or made per year. And labelled each of them eg Dc1 - year 2. I’ve thrown or donated all clothes, shoes etc that don’t fit them, save for a box of baby stuff which includes first sleep suit, hospital band, scan photo etc, and the cards we received when they were born.

I don’t keep any cards unless they’ve been made for them.

I have kept only small sentimental items eg their favourite soft toy when they were little. It’s all labelled in plastic boxes.

I’m ready to throw away all CDs and DVDs but DH is lent so we are hanging onto them.

My nemesis is toys and my clothes and my shoes. Toys because the DC can play with toys in different ways and I don’t want to throw things which they will otherwise come back to. My shoes because I currently have bunions which means I can’t wear 90% of them, but I will be able to if and when I have bunion surgery. My clothes are complex - I have wardrobes full of things that I’m eithe half a stone off fitting into, or maybe 3/4 of a stone from fitting into others, or a stone from fitting into the others. And these span all seasons. And there are lots of them. So I have lots and lots and I can’t seem to get rid of them. So they are still upstairs filling every wardrobe we have.

DH is a hoarder of books. He wouldn’t describe himself in these terms, but he will not part with a single book, and we have no space for more (possibly because of all my clothes!). And he still buys more. Wont have a kindle (I don’t like kindles either, but I will part with books that I bought 20 years ago and am never going to read again despite enjoying them at the time - thrillers etc).

I don’t have trauma in my childhood, but it is a genetic thing, I think. My grandmother was the same, but she also kept newspapers (the same thinking as you in relation to the Duke of Edinburgh) and things from WW2 and whatnot.

I agree with the ‘if you have space and it brings you joy, then keep it’ way of thinking. For example, I wouldn’t be able to let go of a collection of theatre programmes. It’s a collection. Not that I’d want to derail you!!

Cross posts - I’ve also had the regret when I have given things away or binned them. But it does pass. I threw away some opened perfume as I didn’t like the smell, and then a colleague said how much they liked it and I was gutted as I could have given it to my colleague. It doesn’t really matter, I suppose. It’s a mindset though.

Have only read your posts OP so sorry if this has been suggested, but my mum is a hoarder and had a big clear out last year, and she found taking photos of sentimental stuff really handy.

Kids drawings, she made a scrapbook for each of us, then took photo’s of the ones she got rid of. Sentimental toys she just took pictures. Having them as digital ‘memories’ meant she was fine throwing away.