Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

An observation from a few posts on this thread, about people putting OP’s attitude down to being hormonal or having reproductive urges. If a woman’s thinking, behaviour, wants were called hormonal in relation to anything else, that would be called out as sexist.
Can stupidity now be excused as hormones. Is that not sexist or at best infantilising?

@skirk64

This has got to be a wind up, nobody would deliberately create a child with a man they were going to leave, would they? I get that "accidents" happen and people can be coerced into having sex with someone they are trying to get away from, but to deliberately try to?

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Of course they do, for the reasons the OP gave.

People want their kids to have the same Dad, know they want 2+ kids and as they get older know that meeting someone new and getting to the point where they can have kids might not be a possibility.

I know someone who had had a second child with her boyfriend even though she thinks he is a waste of space most of the time. She wanted her kids to have the same Dad. I’m sure they won’t be together in 5 years.

I did it. Fertility issues due to pcos, took years to get through the system, knew we weren't going to work but went through with it for my third. No regrets, not concerned about others judgements either. In your case though there's always time to meet and have a child with someone new

You must be incredibly selfish to even consider this.

@sst1234

An observation from a few posts on this thread, about people putting OP’s attitude down to being hormonal or having reproductive urges. If a woman’s thinking, behaviour, wants were called hormonal in relation to anything else, that would be called out as sexist. Can stupidity now be excused as hormones. Is that not sexist or at best infantilising?

Well, I didn't see it that way. I am not stupid but i did feel a biological urge to have a baby. You can't use your intelligence to ''hack'' the urge away. You use your intelligence when you don't act on it. It's better to know that it's just hormones and that the urge will pass and that when your child gets to three (approx) you will be ready for moving on and not having more babies. I think it's better to know what tricks biology can throw. Otherwise, how does even an intelligent person know, this is my true calling, this is what I want (to have another baby) or this is biology. It could be hard to differentiate and I don't think intelligence has an awful lot to do with it. Even an unintelligent person could benefit from knowing ''these feelings will pass''

What's wrong with having an only child? Or half siblings? Or a bigger age gap?
If you do this then you are no better than the gambling husband you will never plan to leave.

Don't be so selfish

Yes, it’s a bonkers idea but other women have been on MN before asking the same question so you’re not alone at all.

I don’t think raising a baby and toddler, then two toddlers completely alone is a good idea. I also don’t think going through pregnancy with a toddler alone is a good idea. Further to this, you have to consider the next 18 years will be filled with the annoyance of co-parenting which is difficult enough with one child. He won’t just leave your life, he’ll always be a part of it now so I wouldn’t further complicate things by adding a pregnancy and extra child into the mix.

Oh fucking hell

@DisneyBaby how sure are you that your H would take the dc at the weekend? You are imagining scenarios where you get every weekend off (or eow off) and how certain are you that he would contribute financially?

Would you still have a second if you could see in to the future and he battles you tooth and nail on every point for three years and then meets somebody new?! Then they have their own baby, so he cannot afford to pay maintenance! And he increases his pension contribution so that his net salary is less! He and his new partner are in it for the long term, so they agreed that he would up his pension contribution and they would live off her salary so that he can give your dc the most minimal minimum maintenance?!

And........... turns out, he doesn't want the dc every second weekend. Once a month is fine. But he can't do this month because they're going to lake como.

Would you still have a second if you could see that in a crystal ball ??

@Histrionicz

he has a temper

You want to deliberately saddle another child with an aggressive lazy twat for a father? Go you. FFS.

It's ok cos there will be two or three of them to protect each other 😕

That's not my story. I'm making a point. You're imagining a co-operative co-parenting Dad who is available to be a Dad.

Things change.

Well it's an option as long as you tell him that this is the plan. It's only a totally shit and immoral idea if you con him into believing that you are both creating a child as part of a joint enterprise.

OP, you can't deliberately have a second child "for" your first child so that they have a playmate when you're a single parent and, what, back up for when they go to their dad's!? It would also be really deceitful and immoral to trick your husband into having another child under these circumstances - presumably you haven't said to him, "Hey, I'll be leaving you soon but are you happy to get me pregnant first?"

@Shatandfattered

I did it. Fertility issues due to pcos, took years to get through the system, knew we weren't going to work but went through with it for my third. No regrets, not concerned about others judgements either. In your case though there's always time to meet and have a child with someone new

Did he know you were just staying around and having sex with him to get pregnant? Or did he think you were all good until you whipped out the pregnancy test? How far into the pregnancy did you stay?

I think its quite a shitty thing to do to someone that you dont want to be with anymore, and also the more children you have, the lower your chances are of being able to "do better".
Theres no guarantee your kids will get on either.

It's not a great idea for all the reasons that other posters have said. But my friend's daughter did this and it worked out OK. Her husband had already had one affair and they had pretty much agreed the marriage wouldn't last. They had one child and she really wanted another, with the same dad and not too far apart in age. The husband agreed (so it was a conscious decision by both parties which makes it seem a bit better morally). They stayed together until the younger child was a year old though by then they were really married in all but name. He has since had more children with someone else (but remains involved with the first family). She hasn't met anyone else and has never regretted it.

BUT she does have a wealthy father who stepped in to help her buy a property and pay school fees for the children (he'd been more reticent to help when she was still married as he thought the husband was "feckless" and there was some truth in that). Plus her mum (my friend) lives locally and provides loads of help and support with the children - sleepovers, drop offs/pick ups etc . So it's not a typical impoverished single mum situation.

I don't think I'd have done it though!

@DisneyBaby

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad

Exactly this, I would feel much better about my daughter heading off for a weekend away with her Dad etc if she had a sibling with her too so that they have each other.

And my sister and I got on like a dream when we were younger and still do now, so not all kids bicker and fight over toys...

OP, your husband has a gambling problem. You are so dissatisfied with the relationship that you are in that you want to leave him. You have this Disney show in your head (apt username) of both siblings skipping off to visit dad every weekend or whatever. The reality could be absolutely nothing like that.

My dad was a gambler, started small, became a huge issue, so big that the house was almost lost. She stayed. It nearly destroyed our relationship with her.

You are justifying to yourself why it's a good idea when deep down you know that it isn't. If you were so sure you wouldn't have needed to post at all but, you know that it's a mad and selfish decision.

I hope none of this is real, it's quite upsetting.

I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters

I strongly, strongly suspect that if you do this once, you'll be in it for the long haul to achieve this Little Women fantasy scene.

I'm absolutely staggered that anyone can defend this. Your husband isn't good enough for you and you're leaving to find better, but he's good enough to foist on a second child with no say in the matter?

Stupid, selfish and irresponsible

Stop projecting YOUR childhood onto your children. Your child is not you.

Were your parents like you and your partner I wonder? Was your dad a shit lazy man with a temper and you were brought up mostly by your single mum?

Some siblings just don't get on. Some even hate each other. Your second child might have a disability or condition that means play with their sibling is very different to what you experienced.

Not stupid but irresponsible and some of the responses condoning this are just staggering. You are dressing up this idea as a doing the right thing for your child when in reality it is all about what you want - the close bond you had with your sisters. You are more in touch with the fantasy of a happy family than the reality of your situation, namely that you have a husband who is not emotionally available to you or your child nor to any others that come along. Immediately you are saddling your child with the baggage of a rejecting father, but that is fine so long as there is a sibling to share in this distress? What if it's a boy? What if they don't get along? You want does not automatically translate into you get. And since when can someone predict that a full sibling will be more rewarding relationally than a half-sibling? I would be putting my energies into some serious self-reflecting and doing the right thing for the daughter you already have instead of trying to craft a future that is more about meeting your needs than hers.

@honeylulu

It's not a great idea for all the reasons that other posters have said. But my friend's daughter did this and it worked out OK. Her husband had already had one affair and they had pretty much agreed the marriage wouldn't last. They had one child and she really wanted another, with the same dad and not too far apart in age. The husband agreed (so it was a conscious decision by both parties which makes it seem a bit better morally). They stayed together until the younger child was a year old though by then they were really married in all but name. He has since had more children with someone else (but remains involved with the first family). She hasn't met anyone else and has never regretted it.

BUT she does have a wealthy father who stepped in to help her buy a property and pay school fees for the children (he'd been more reticent to help when she was still married as he thought the husband was "feckless" and there was some truth in that). Plus her mum (my friend) lives locally and provides loads of help and support with the children - sleepovers, drop offs/pick ups etc . So it's not a typical impoverished single mum situation.

I don't think I'd have done it though!

She had tons of money at her disposal, in fact it was easier to obtain after a split, and the husband was on board with it. Very different situation from what I can gather.

I feel really sorry for you, to have such low standards as to even consider this.
It really is a selfish idea, you haven't given a thought to the poor child who may potentially grow up without a dad, if he is as useless as you say.
I have to agree with a pp that your only response shows such a lack of cognitive thinking and regard to your child's life, it's truly shocking.

Unfair on the husband but I guess you don't like him 🤷‍♀️

But why on earth would you intentionally do this to your kids?! Especially the oldest one who is going to miss daddy more, be more disrupted, and understand what's going on better than if you left now.

This is all about you and really quite selfish.

Nah, not buying this one at all.